Jinxed and Silly

This post today not the same as always... It shall be a post to myself... A post that I scold myself yea... ...

Don't you realise how much trouble you caused everyone around you? and now you are telling yourself... you don't know what to do now? So now what? bug more people and rant about your problems when FYI everyone around you already have their own problems just they keep mum about it... Just STOP being so dependent and immature... Fall and fall again and never get up... Perhaps you are just not making the effort and blaming other factors for your own doing. YES I admit that making excuses and reasons for not doing something or what is conveneient and that is what most people do...

A jinx... Looking back now I do feel so very much... And with every word I read I feel reaapearing scars and replaying annecdotes... I am confused now about feelings... I thought so... But is it? Or was it it was just an excuse and all from the start... Maybe there was nothing... Maybe I was too imaginative and under intense pressure I just had to come up with a reason to hide the fact that I am truely horrible? If only I had a gift to help people and not harm people around me... If only good things come and never go... Becuz fate just keeps making me happy one moment but the next is followed but the most terrible news...

I lied to myself... swearing isolation and immolation of the memory... But I peeked and got burnt on the embers... And I just wanted to say to myself you know... YOU STUPID PATHETIC DUMB DUMB... Cry over silly things SILLY YOU and SILLY INTERPRETATIONS... Just when you never shed a tear since the last incident you had to break that today... Just when you promise you break them... Just as controlling you failed... And just as failure you are is to be a good friend and scare people away...

Impending doom in just two days... And here you are blogging away... GET A LIFE! Or even better have no life then... JUST make sure you give people their lives... you want to no life just no life alone dun ask people for help... You wanna lonely is your problem... You want to turn back is your own desire which is by the way UNACCOMPLISHABLE!!! Bang your head into the wall or something... Just WAKE UP WILL YOU!!! Wake up from all your dreams that are nonsensical and silly... Wake up from the dreams of brothers and the good times together! Wake up from the fact you are now wasting precious time scolding yourself when all this should be happening in your mind and NOT TYPING IT HERE!!! GOSH!!! I am ashamed of myself...

You ought to be ashamed when you said so quickly out of rashness that you were going to go and change and get a makeover and all... You can lie and people forgive you... BUT can you forgive yourself or not? Can you not feel that passion last time when u said that? why is it always let's start tommorow BUT never let's start here and now... Why is it you are so indecisive and never letting go... Why are you severing ties but hoping to get back together again... Why do you still have the cheek and the face to appear in the life of someone you ruined again... And worst ask if we can be friends again? After all those things you did... NOW you wanna ruin someone's life all over again when maybe they are finally liberated from your torment...

You are sick becuz u dunno what is it is with your heart... You damn fucking asshole... You jerk who only make people think of a certain image becuz u paint it that way through your powerful words... Propaganda yea? well STOP IT!!! Unintentionally is an EXCUSE AGAIN!!! HELLO THIS IS THE 21ST CENTURY!!! HELLO HELLO!!!! It is the time of change... SO CHANGE YOU SISSY!!!

Don't say for others... becuz you know what other dun care a freaking deal about your life... they already have their own life to care about... Yea cold... I know... But this is reality you moron so open your eyes and take it all in... Dun abuse yourself and worse dun abuse those around you by abusing yourself... Keep mum and always silent... Try to solve things YOURSELF... And please please stop being such a drag and complain and moan about everything that you are going to fail... Are u a MAN or not? If you are a man fail and fail again who cares ulitmately whether you fail now does not affect you in the future... Mutually exclusive yea? DUMB IDIOT... claim you good at math yet you associate present and past as a subset of the future...

You are a pig and so fat by the way... Gosh you are ugly too... just people are not willing to say it out... dun be so conceited when you scold yourself... Look into the mirror and ask yourself are you right? RIGHT? ALRIGHT? ALRIGHT? Looks may not be everything... sure brains is what is something just... looks is everything else... in a society that is so fast paced people take one look at you and judge you... justify? nah... you think they care? HEck la you... bunch of bullshit... It's no wonder you jinx people... you JINX yourself...

You are truely shameless becuz you want to be friends with the person whom you ruined the life of... you are inconsiderate and irresponsible... You are what? a sight for sore eyes... and you still can ignore that and treat it as the other party wants to too... yea right? who would... and then you now complaining to the whole world about this... ZIP IT HOMO!!!!

You know what's your problem... ... You're FAT, UGLY, SILLY, CALLOUS, INCONSIDERATE, MANIPULATIVE, DEPENDENT, SISSY and DEFENSIVE... Seriously, dun be a life wrecker and just shoo... Just die off if you want la... for the love of god... if you dun have a life just go die... Hundreds and thousands of people die daily... so what makes u so special? It's not like someone dies and there is global mourning... People can say everyone is unique... but unique is not a show that u are important... and really... u are insignificant and just nothing... for those that care... yes they will mourn and grive but after that... what happens? life goes on and u gone. If you dun have a life... really la go jump off the building la or something... dun ruin people's lives and say things you dun mean... dun be a parasite for the people you love when you yourself have no life... U FREAK la bastard... and that may just as well be... DRY!!!

Three

Three... ... Three days of agony, three days of pain... Three days for exams, three shots for hope... From family three and class 4e3 in secondary school... My life is full of threes... Looking back... J1 passed so fast... Secondary school even faster... Yet strangely I wondered why during those times everything felt so slow and monotonous... I chuckle to myself at those flashbacks that playback sporadically like some spoilt recorder... How vivid they were yet how bland it tasted at that moment... Memories... you cherish only when you look back... This pain and agony now...? Maybe in the future when I look back I will laugh? And mock at how instantaneous time flies by...

Adapting... Adapting to a different life... Had to admit old life will be perfect to people... To study day in and out like a zombie and get grades that will make people envious... Concentration more recovered and tangible... Miss the discarded part of my life... Feels lonely somehow... never felt this way last time when I was living this life... Now something seems lacking... ...

First day of exams... Feeling of new spirits and new hopes... All to last until seeing.... Shattered impressions and determination... Felt the gloom creep through my body. So intense just sudden flashes of memories I said were to be stored away and locked up... Felt utterly disturbed and wanted to run away but i guess I can't... Different atmosphere in JJ now... ... Everything feels new like I just came to JJC... To adapt to this new 'old' self... and life... Can't sleep a day without feeling something missing...

Three papers to go... one down two to go... But three candles each to kindle hope... Three objectives behind three tests...

One to prove mastery and restore forgotten honour for someone lost...

One to heal scars and regain the glory...

and...

One to make the legacy of a certain someone who left live on...

And a last fourth... for myself... as someone always said last time... ... Do it for yourself...

A Gloomy Lonely Night

It is so late now... Quiet of course and dark... Parents went out to casino today and I am all alone at home tonight to revise from exams and watch some late night TV as accompaniment... Today was not a great day... Feeling rather gloomy now as I speak... as gloom as the darkest before dawn yea?

Saw something that made my spirits dropped a hundred fold... Feeling horrible now haha... But still I have to study into the wee hours of morning I have no options... Perhaps to hide away and numb myself too in the revision... Yet strangely doing math kinda makes things worst... Mind's sharp and concentration is at maximum but heart distracted and thinking of something worlds apart... But nevertheless the impending arrival of doomsday is an alarm that keeps ringing in my ears... I fear... ...

Do I want to be depressed? soaking in my own mental production yet conveneintly people always say they can't help it... Can I? I dun know... but gloomy like there are dark clouds looming over my head... Reassessing things nowadays and thinking through certain things... Ran away from some close friends of mine... Hey sorry... But I hope you understand becuz even I can't handle it... so I wish to stay far far away from you guys... I know this will impact you guys... So I am going to go into hiding... =(

On a gloomy night all alone and serene... Drunk in mathematical stupor and a troubled heart... I wonder and reckon... The story unfolds...

tmr... hangover for sure... ...

A mistake never forgotten... to eliminate but never accomplishable... To sin is to sinner as to sin also a saint... ... Goodbye...

Said so many goodbyes to people this holidays...

Optical Illusion

Is that wheel spinning or not? Is it an animation or just the minds eye playing tricks on you... Yea... it is an optical illusion that makes you think that the wheel is moving when in fact it is stationary and it is your eyes that are moving...

Many things around us... different perceptions... multi faceted views of the same issues... Some callous grasp the giest of the trick... some average ones scan through and experiment... while the meticulous yet slow scruntinize the minute issues of the larger picture... What we move on... we forget and accept... Yet moving on sometimes we miss out somethings small but interesting... some things maybe important yet dull looking...

To stare life in the eyes... like a gazebo from the top... like spinning wheel that is an optical illusion... Too big too vast for one person alone to play... spot the difference... Sometimes... sometimes... you dun have to be alone... because with people around you and with the company of some people... from the past, present and those you have not yet met in the future... they will help you see those things you missed out... You'll never know... until you look back now... without... that someone maybe you would never have discovered...

to see the world through a kaleidoscope... mission impossible... yet... I can dream yea?

Etched on the inside... so many things... so much emotions... To never look back and fantacise the future... I can't... can u?

Ignition

My heart is blazing again and my spirit in inferno... I think I am feeling possessed that everychemistry tutorial that I redo from chapter one the more I want more and MORE practice... That feeling of satisfaction and joy when you redo the whole piece of work and get full marks and perfect scores without reference and after chunking down the whole chemistry syllabus needed for the common test it is just so empowering... That feeling that you are unstoppable and in sync with your soul, your heart, your mind and your actions... A symphony of a well orchestrated cacophony of genres...

Going to finish maths in just one day... I know I can do it... Those tested before topics are in my grasp and I know everything about those topics until the roots of them all... It will be accomplishable...and chemistry saga almost over soon... leaving bio which I am all amped and fired up to sit and study without eating or anything from morning till night when i finish my math and chemisty...

it is all for that moment of glory that i can envision now... To gain back immortality and passion absolute... and in the midst I am enjoying it all... I am crazy... NUTS because I feel so alive studying and memorising and doing work that it rushes through every vein and every muscle like some pulsation of adrenaline rushing... Watch out... Zhao Mian is back to beat those that he has bitter cold vengeance for... those who ever defeated him for any test at all... I remember never forgotten... even yuting dun forget 1/5 in J1 ah... This time I will make sure I win you 5 times the power also... and people like ... ... and ... ... hiak hiak hiak you have no idea who you are dealing with =)))) and what I am going to unleash...

I am on fire... nothing can extinguish me now... in a state of insanity that is numbing me of all other things around me... ... bro? hahaha... ...

Unknowingly Traumatised

What is wrong with me? No fear. no worry, no anxiety... A string of common tests are drawing ever so near... yet my heart feels indifferent and no passion... Saw someone's MSN pm said: passion eliminates everything. U know, I am not going to rebutt that saying because I agree that it is true. That with fire and willpower, even the highest mountains will be scaled, and the wildest of animals tamed. But what happens when you don't have that passion anymore...

These days keep telling myself and everyone that I had lost my fire and passion for the living. Been depressed and dejected all this time. Sort of feel sorry for myself too. But you know to acknowledge your own sin, as one of my friends said to me on MSN before, that all humans are sinned and hence the world should be destroyed. That was an extreme measure, but so true you know. When I myself am a sin of the seven greatest sins : Wrath, Sloth, Envy, Lust, Slavery, Gluttony and Pride.

Been fooling myself all this time. Because I believe that my fire was doused. All this time just trying to seek solutions only to bide some time and not ignite my engines. Telling myself and everyone that I am going to die for exams and all when no one doubted me in the first place, and only myself. But then all this time, trying to find back that spark what have i been doing? Lazing around and waiting for inspiration to come and refusing to believe that fire comes from within and not outside. And that maybe all this while... That fire was all the while waiting for its master to rekindle and not the other way round...

Even after admitting to myself all this plain hard truth. I ask myself you know... Keep asking myself... Why am I not igniting my engines? What is keeping me even after I know the answer. That all this while all I had to do was to just move on. Watched this video about moving on: People always say 'but it's not easy to change'. And I tell them... ' If u think so... ... It's all up here!'.

And then I digged deeper. What is it that makes me such a LOSER now, feeling sorry over myself and trying to seek sympathy and all when everything was all up there. And I am just avoiding the jumpstart just going around in circles and refusing to just START! START to do so many many things... Start to let go... start to ignite... start to accept... start to stop DREAMING...

I confess you know... I confess now to everyone that everyday whenever I wake up... It's not that I sleep a lot you know... I woke up... Just I don't wanna get out of bed and just wanna continue to lie there and dream. And when I say dream I mean thinking of the good times and things that may never ever happen... FAT HOPES, and false imaginations to deceive yourself. What is wrong with me you know? Am I in? Or am I out? Do you wanna let go? or not?



Just keep having that feeling you know that... NO ONE in the world will ever be this and that... and it is ONLY you and NO ONE ELSE...

I finally realise towards the end... scars not apparent... but scars on the inside... I have a trauma that I never realised and that is why... I refuse to ignite myself... not that I lost my fire... IT IS I DUN WANNA LIGHT IT... WHAT AM I AFRAID OF? Why do I choose to be stuck and not move on when I could just stand up and walk away like nothing ever happened... What is this trauma this mental barrier that I am facing...

Nothing is an excuse... Only lies to yourself... that YOU CANNOT MAKE IT!!! When other people somewhere else has already let go so long ago, why are you still so insistent and draggy? And still wanna delude yourself and tell people around you how pitiful you are when you are making yourself the pitiful one all the while... But what is this trauma I dunno... But snap AWAKE PLZ... becuz living in fantasy and your own delusional 'safety and sanctuary' will only speed you towards inevitable doomsday...

It was never I think/know I will die... I can't do it... It is not easy... ETC... It was and is ALWAYS... Do you want to let go/ do it or not?

Easier said than done... now what is it you want? going to start tommorow? or finally... TODAY?

Troubled Waters

Troubled waters

A bridge over troubled waters,

a sanctuary, a saint and a savior.

The water wills the willing,

The water shapes the mind,

The water gives the trouble meaning...

Where there is life,

there is water.

Where there is dejection excruciating...

Where there is pain in the heart...

Where there is void in the living...

Let us see ourselves and reflect.

Let us see the lustrous pool and reckon.

Let us see the flowing stream and tear.

Let not the fury of the troubled waters,

that is just above the mellow.

Water takes all shapes and sizes...

versatility in the truest of senses.

To adapt to the changes

and change ones being.

to mould the spirit

to an unbendable one.

A water bender true... a water bender false...

Compel the passion of the water.

A fire has been extinguished.

A spirit yet more dampened...

A look from the safety of bridges...

A look from the top of troubled waters...

Yourself

in the troubled waters below...

dreams never lie... just like a giant python with glaring yellow eyes... and the latency of water bending in the astral planes... troubled waters...