Three Deeds Re-Visited

Three deeds... mentioned earlier prior to doomsday... ... Three deeds accomplished... Three deeds sealed...

One to prove mastery and restore forgotten honour for someone lost...
One to heal scars and regain the glory...
and...
One to make the legacy of a certain someone who left live on...

Time to reveal each task... and reveal each wish... Starting from the very first whose identity is that of math common test... To prove my worth as a teacher for someone whom I spent timeless hours spent trying to make better and putting in all my heart to believe... Accomplished that goal... So I guess... I proved my worth... and mastery and reiterate my worth once more... somehow... hey thanks yea.... and sorry too... =( At least this gives me the power to wanna try again... =X

Second is a bandage to heal the wounds of a hurt confidence... Once bitten twice shy... But this time though not really very well done... chemistry was good i guess... So I bandaged my own wound and regained my chemistry confidence somehow... Going to aim for top again =)

Third... a sad story... The departure of mdm sim my respected biology teacher... I disappointed u during your last period with us... Just passed every single test and gave you empty promises one after another... I know... u must be so disappointed becuz J1 A was the only grade I was getting but come to J2 things changed... =( This time Bio common test I got A yea Mdm Sim =) I hope you are proud again yea... I miss your teachings... And I promise I will make your spirit and legacy live on and show the other classes mdm sim is the best bio teacher i promise... XD

End of three promises... three accomplished... I prospect the very origin and set off from the threshold... Ended up at the point of all beginnings... Only to understand... everything is a cycle...

My heart stirs today... ... But I hushed myself... ... ... ... Everything changed... Everyone changed... Only... ME...

Fragments of Past Tense Pt 2: 2/2=1

As time goes by... these memories stored... begin to pile to form a sphere... A sphere so round, symmetrical... a sphere so shiney, darkned core... A sphere to hold 2 hemispheres... 2 hemispheres of different peers... Reunite the missing link, a bridge is formed, and frenship keep... Lackluster and lustrous oxymoronic... a sphere so dull... yet pure as pearl, forever written... forever heard... for in this darkest time of need ...a lustrous sphere... a darkened sphere... fused to form a genesis...

Of course I immediately made them drop that idea... as they were obviously going down the wrong direction haha... -.- Love him as a friend... in this case BEST FRIEND XD... They were all damn curious of who this mystery guy was but I told them chance will allow them to meet him one day if they lucky that is... hee

Well... days of dry waiting changed when that day came... Night before I was still quite excited though haha that tmr was going to be the day... Just one thing is... I had no idea when he was gonna touchdown... morning? afternoon? night? Well I betted on 6pm in the evening and like sent msg then... He said he had so 'touched down'... Quite joyous cuz I thought initially I so ZHUN msged him just as he came back... But later PUI... when he say he actually touchedown like in the wee hours of morning... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz made me excited for nothing... But nontheless happy he was back... =)))))))))))

Anxious to hear his tales of Korea hhx (By the way... 'HHX' = hao hao, xiao something he invented and I learned to use too =D) and whether he managed to get XXX... Well in the end he just brought chocs... lots of them which was delicious of course... haha... as he said too his taste good one =P So chatted at night on MSN how to pass XXX to someone... and after that went to sleep with well you could say a satisfied feeling... NExt day came as a surprise... When I onlined in the early morning and he was actually there and asked me... If i wanted to go school study...

To speak the truth rule no. 1... Zm never studies out of home... But I agreed haha... cuz kinda wanna interact with my best friend and i didn't want him to lonely and feel rejection =) It turned out quite fun too haha... We studied though I kinda distracted him with lots of horoscope stuff about aries, capricorns and libras HHX And then had lunch and he told me find someplace good to eat since I was the 'floorhead' there... Got him to try the Nasi Lemak at Boonlay Market but he said my taste was bad... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz -.- "'

Soon started going to school study on a regular basis and I looked forward to it... Though I could not really concentrate and study in school I enjoyed the process... I took it as a bonding session everytime! Well... heard one day of a story of a poor capricorn and some related probs... And I guess... I tried to help but ended up making things worst... I actually went to tag something on that capricorn's blog... I got so guilty I told him... and he sort of angry... And I really sad and so disappointed with myself... I told him... 'I'm so extremely sorry shun... I know u will never forgive me becuz I can never forgive myself... I will... inorder to show u how sorry i am... Delete my own blog... T.T'

To be continued...

Fragments of Past Tense Pt 1: The Awakening

Fragments of the memory bound to keep... refreshing insights read and weep... What forgotten now revented... May the fragments rejoin and rekeep...

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For in this hour of darkened flare... Sunk to bottom held so dear... Resist errosion of time and space... A cry so silent in the dark... Shattered dreams of smitherines... I see myself within your pain... For again the hour of darkened flare... pass the fire thus ignition... awaken dormant cells neurotic... Let us see, let us hear... let us... witness things so clear... Let us unlock the binded sun... Let this bondage be undone... ...

Let us visit memories deep... let this memory now released... ... ... ... ... ...

A trip was planned for 6 yet strangely in the weirdest of scenarios there were only 3 left. Decided to move on and continue the trip. Watched a scary movie. He spoke of someone dear to him... about his worries of that person in trouble. Did not treat the question seriously initially but then in the end I guess I did. Didn't think much of it... But haha never thought he would have such a 'soft' side too hee hee... Left an impression of him in me... Didn't really noticed him even though we had been working together under so many projects... Ironic of course...

The next night went online when I was bored and I saw him... I guess no one else was there to talk to... So for the first time I said hi and asked about that someone haha... Had a few laughs and started to well know him... but then again memories vague now but knew we enjoyed the chat... probably because both of us no one else to chat with also haha... As days went by we chatted daily on MSN... Starting to enjoy it... I guess he was the first male friend I treated well much like a good friend within a short duration of days... Heard his chronicles of interacting with that someone... Haha gotta admit I was smiling to myself when he said those things. But yea I tried to give advice about things I know about girls... Hope it helped... Started spending more time online and looking forward to each chat... First time top scholar go online so frequently too haha... That's a first. Exchanged blog links with him... Quite honoured to have gained access to his blog and first impression of his blog was it was damn cool haha...

Of course inquisitive nature made me explore his blog links and I sorta knew his friends through there though on the surface. Seems he was an interesting guy too... Weird maybe... But funny too... And then it was the time for him to go overseas to Korea the land of kimchi. Said our goodbyes,I remembered I was in school doing banni study duty then and he was packing things at home... We both prayed that someone will rmb his departure yet sadly... When the moment came when I was drafting my farewell msg to him and sending to ppl to make sure send at actual departure time he suddenly messaged me and told me his departure was made early and he leaving already and that that someone never responded... Knew he was sad and I felt worst... I guess that was the first time I cried for someone, when I never even cried for myself at all then... Felt anger and sadness... didn't know what to say... just could say hope he cheers up and I will miss him lots and lots while he was away... Felt sad afterward but I knew he went Korea also on a mission to get XXX as I adviced haha...

His departure marked the awakening of something in me... For everynight while he was away I wondered to myself how he was... Felt lonely for the very first time... I remembered several occasions when I will come online and stay all night wandering aimlessly in cyberspace... feeling so empty... It was a fact I guess that I missed him a lot... Never thought it would be that bad... And it was during that period of loneliness I started feeling he was my best fren... ... Told some of my golden frens about it and they were quite shock that Zhao Mian actually finally have a best fren who is A GUY and within SO SHORT a period... But I convinced them... He really is the best fren I never had... ... ... I told them... much to their intial shock though... ... I love him...

To be continued...

The Intelligence Quotient

The secret to a quick mind lies deep in the patterns and substrates of our diets, and to fully understand the factors attributing to the mystiques of the mind and cranium we need to learn that we are what we eat. And therefore, I formulate this equation based on my so-far life experience (though I know I am not some veteran or something, but my way of looking at things):

The Intelligence Quotient, I.Q. = (E)(null G) / (F)
(where Null G is a constant and represents genetics, E is a vairable environment and F is a variable of body-fat ratio for the range F > 0)

This means that our intelligence factors as I would term it, rather than the common I.Q. is directly proportional to the environmental influx and inversely proportional to the amount of body fat we possess as oppose to body mass. With this sacred equation in mind, I shall state the laws of the equation that i had set when I thought of it... Feel free to refute or accept but most importantly read with an open-mind and maybe an entertainment.

The Fundamental of the I.Q. equation obeys:

1) Null G is a constant value innated at birth and affects the I.Q factors directly but is uniquely and exclusively individual. This simply means that how much we can retain and absorb is in our genes and is the maximum capacitated potential of our intelligence. Just like different sponges have different absorbance we work that way as well. It is a set value that limits our potential.

2) E as expressed as environmental influx is the additive effect of many probabilities of many influences where summation of all possible influxes equals to 1. This means that how well we get smart depends on the environment we are working in. With many combinations, probably too many to account for the direct effect but all has approximately equal chances of occuring given the right incentives and ultimately as summation of probabilities definitely and inrefutably equals one. Environment not only includes the geographical dimensions but also the people around you and things that you see and experience and is a widely diverse variable with infinite combinations across a distribution of individuals.

3) F is the fat to body ratio and is inversely related to the I.Q. capability, it which hinders maximum I.Q. capacitated potential and suppressess the perfect expression of null G in an individual. Scientific research has confirmed that a person who is overweight has an intelligence quotient that is less by 30% in contrast to an individual of healthy weight. Fats are stored in adipose tissues which proliferate in an obese individual and saps the body of nutrients and also hinders the blood circulation to the brain, particularly the left hemisphere of the cerebrum. With a born null G value, presence of fats will reduce the maximum intelligence at any one time by a factor of 0.3 hence preventing full exploration of mental capabilities. Bottomline... the more fat you are the dumber you are. (Which is good news for me, as it means if I lose weight I can be smarter as opposed to people who are already thin can no longer increase their capabilities. I have evidence to prove this stand as the point when I lost weight last time, all my grades in secondary school sky rocketed to top grades, record of topping 6 papers for prelims in sec4 after drastic weightloss ^^)

It has reached a stage of a collective neurosis when one's panic spreads to another much to ironic belief of the anxiety within LOL!(***note the 'RICH' sarcasm -.- ) Take your F value as BMI and null G value as 1 and see your I.Q quotient now... but E is undetermined as combinations are infinite but maximum 1. Therefore:

Zhao Mian's I.Q = (E)(1) / (29.4) = 0.0340E

(note that this I.Q. is not how smart you are but your potential now and G varies with everyone but for simplicity we assume everyone expresses G the same so assigned a value of 1)

Gonna try to lose weight and create another miracle... Going to increase the E value by starting up a study group of intense treatment... Anyone interested may find me and I will give u a sneak preview of the revolutionary plan and then u be the judge whether u wanna be in or out... Alright... going off...

I understand... ... Just feel like it's a cherry on top of a recipe for gloom... =(

Reliving Moments

Reliving the saddest moments of your life again and again... Though self-inflicted and because of a stubborn heart that refuses to budge feels so hurtful all the time... Like killing yourself and then reviving and then killing yourself again and experiencing the same horrible pain again and again...

I'm no good person... Threatened people so that I can get what I want but dun care what the other wants... Perhaps overlooked that... but nevertheless it's really despicable to force upon someone an imposition of your favour. Asked myself numerous times what is it I want... That forcing something brings no injection of real emotions but only trophies of your sins. Praying for a miracle that will probably never happen... Doing useless things and trying to convince someone to take another side on things... Perhaps all the time neglecting the fundamentals of true love and believing solely on crafted happiness...

I envy a few persons whose names start with d, r and w... admire them you know... how each can be so stable and steadfast unlike me so volatile and rash... often stumbling over over-reacted judgements and making unnecessary fuss... Time was an excuse I guess... when underlying it was insecurities... Not just mine... but also people around me fearing when the next eruption will be and how destructive it would be... Living in fear... is really a torture... but fearing yet still willing to hold on for the sake of believing I finally realise that... I wronged u... That u wanted this as much as I do... and gave it so many chances that I never noticed...

People only see things after they are gone... So many regrets that maybe I shldn't have done this or that... Everything happens for a reason... Tell me what this is? Heard somewhere the crossing of fates creates some kind of magic that is beyond ethereal being... How fate inter-twined leads somewhat to opposites and proposites...

To step in or give in... ran through my mind so long and slow... But to avoid the pain and the prayings for a miracle and someone's suffering... I rather feel an intense pain today and then get over it... Maybe... psychological problem... but feeling this lonely feeling for a long time... Friends around they are great... but this lonely is something more of... unexplainable that like I can't accept anyone as good fren anymore for awhile... even if i said now... It will be a lie too... Just suddenly lost all that and only see normal friends and some distant memories...

I wish for another chance... but too many chances used up already... again with the cracked porcelain... I am reliving a moment... with the exact same two choices... I chose that path last time... ... should I follow the same path again?

sorry... ... and I know one cannot demand forgiveness so fast when it is my own fault to begin with... ... so I'll wait patiently for as long as it takes... and repay and salvage as much as I can even if it means... I sacrifice some things...

As the plot thickens

The stars fortell the future... the cards speak only the truth... coupling premonitions all speak of something bare... something bad... Living in paranoia day in and out... I actualy dun dare go Jurong point much after that premonition and partially I stay away from bus stops too... But nothing doubts tomorrow... be it gut feeling, by experience, by tarot reading, via horoscope or etc... they all unanimus speak the same... My instincts tell me to back out... But somehow I just dun feel like running away anymore...

It doesn't take a psychic to fortell certain things... All it takes is experience and some brain. surely a prick in the heart right down the middle... Sometimes curiousity kills the cat... When things go missing I panic so much... ... Can't find my school work now... I think I lost it... Finding so anxiously as much as I find something else too...

Too bad fairytales never existed... from past till now... For the delusional optimist perhaps... I guess I once believed but changed with time... I always have this gift for imaginations... Perhaps I am still a kid... still play games, watch cartoons and play with toys too... yea I know childish but I can craft stories easily... An overactive mind I have... Seeing imagery ever paranoia... When it is none of my business I still think and imagine... kinda pathetic and naive to the extent of folly...

When what once was hope now change to mope... It is the challenges in life... I cannot run... But truthfully, I am sure I am not ready... How silly I was to thought I am... Living the life of a drama series... Asked around and realised I am the abnormal one... Not u or him or anyone else... just me... Understandable of course... but some sort of can't believe a feeling so strong or otherwise stubborn that the erosion by the sands of time seems negligible...

Every sight it hurts. Every thought it kills... Every fantasy some hope... But fantasies always fantasies... The plot is thickening, everyone is moving... I am walking but everyone seems sprinting... He seems better now, he never resisted a word from that phrase I raised... I guess it was a silent acknowledgement... I can't stand it really I dunno why... I have no right anymore...

It's different now I guess... as he said... ... I remember this saying... and someone's optimistic answer...

XXX: A porcelain bowl with cracks. Nothing can heal the cracks.

YYY: What cracks. Our friendship no cracks la... If have just change a new one la... dun care what that stupid girl say...

Haha... No use remembering now... when someone else has probably forgotten already... again i believed in something so simplistic it is so naive... If only things were so easy I won't find myself tearing all the time... ... A porcelain bowl... ... how... ... fragile... I wish... there was a new one now... =(

Choosing

A choice between two... two persons? two choices? two means? two paths? two answers?

It's one point off to the left of the balance... a wrong choice made... and probably sink to rock bottom... choose the right choice... and u will fly like an angel... But which to pick...

Perhaps both of them are wrong... and as someone told me... let's not haste over this... perhaps none of them is the right choice... the stakes are too big and the pressure is building... I wanna know so much... if there is someone who will accept me for the truth... and not run away... who will understand me and tell me... 'I dun mind'...

I can't accept? Can I? Should I or should I not? So many choices so little time... I wonder if i made the choice of should, i will suffer that day and be so lonely... I probably would... that coupled with the sight of eye sore pictures that would probably kill me inside... but to go... perhaps I can't runaway forever... perhaps there's someone out there... who will learn the truth from me and prove to me for once... there really is... someone who accepts me and is of the same... ...

Should I? Lost in the middle of the darkest before dawn... ... I sorta still can't believe and heart broken... one can forget so fast... ... ... ... I can't... =(