Confessions Of A Teenage Drama King-No Longer

I still wonder why... everday the facts I try so hard to drill into myself... The fact of life is unfair... The fact that my bro doesn't feel the same anymore... The fact that no one will believe me... And the fact that no one will understand me, because only I myself will understand myself...

I can't... ... I can't really voice out much if it would cause that much unhappiness... That unhappiness stems from the fact that it is a contagious plaque and whoever spreads it is a sinner... I'M SERIOUSLY NOT HAPPY... ... =((( And not because angry or because of all these facts... I just dun feel happy anymore... ... But then... I remember someone says... 'You unhappy you come find me. Then when I XXX I come find who? YOU? zzzz :@' Yea who am I kidding? Who will truely help other people when they need to help themselves... I wanna tell myself I have value in this world... Yet everyday with each passing moment I feel my existence fade into the background and my worth plummet like a stockmarket crash.

I wonder... though if anyone cares... ? =( Because I feel myself sinking and I can't get up... Only thing holding me onto this world is rapidly dissociating... And I know my bro is probaby mad at me... I screwed his test... And when the moment comes... and I feel so absolutely horrible... I wanted to screw my bio test so that I can feel the same pain... Yet he got madder... T.T But my mind is set... Let's screw... ... Not because for him only... but also because... I feel this is of no value... that even if I failed... it won't matter? And winnie... you can finally win... Infact I'll let you win everything now... I'm so tired with life... Because... when I truely wanted to work for something all my life... I was passionate and above all an optimist but things changed... as I find myself sobbing to a pillow every night asking god if he would hear... ...

And I wanna hide at home... and never come to school again... But I feel so much better in school... because it is home where all the acting begins... when I have to act like nothing is wrong when my whole life is wrong...and it's the single MOST horried feeling when you have to pretend nothing is wrong... T.T At least in school I can feel sad and dun need to be a superb actor... Friends... ... I feel like an outcast.... ... Sometimes...dun be so good to me... Just leave me alone... Becuz I feel so uneasy when I feel so worthless yet you all still treat me like that... =(

I wanna shun away from everyone.... and my nature pushes me to find people to seek help... my dependency... but after today... and what happens to my bro... I am more than convinced I am a jinx... ... suicidal thoughts plaque me everyday... How carbon monoxide toxicity interests me so much when Dr Gan says it is that lethal and fast... ... I feel my appetite failing everyday... I dunno why... ... But I feel so full yet I wanna eat so much and end up vomitting late in the night when everyone is asleep... when my weird feasting begins late at night...

I look into the mirror... And I dun recognise the new me... ... I'm a pathetic soul and I am not just thinking that up... I feel like starving myself to death... Or maybe just something I can do to gain people's attention... because I feel so alone... and I am feeling so unhappy... and upset...

I'm sorry bro... If u are ever reading this... ... I wish I could die too... maybe just walk down a road and get hit by a car... Or get a heartattack and just roll over and die... I wanna die so much... Never felt this way before... ... I still see our past and I shudder... and feel cracks in my already hollowed heart... How you can forget everything...

I feel hatred... For my life and everything in it... I hate my family... I hate my friends... I hate the pain... I hate the unfairness... and I hate myself above all... Everything is my fault... My fault... And the only person i dun feel hate is my bro... ... I feel indebted... I ask myself why I have to do so much faults...

I shout in silence like a mute... SAVE ME SAVE ME!!! But I only hear myself like an echo in the distant wind... ... Won't anyone believe me... and make me feel... ...

There is something worth living for... and not myself... becuz I am worthless...

A Piece Of Self-pity

I wonder... why life is so unfair... No argument there? It is a fact that life is and always will be unfair... ... When you work super extra hard for something your heart truely desires so much.... and in the end you see what you work so hard for in the eyes of other people who dun even do much about it... Sucks... ...

Some people are so blessed... One person in particular... I envy so much you know... That why can you have everything I dun have? U can have romance, a best friend, people who believe you, fitness, a family warm enough to go home to and awesome grades... But I look at myself... and feel so empty... ... Why? WHY? Where did I ever go wrong that you can have everything while I have only a pathethic grades to hang onto only... and grades and academics this sort of thing.... It's dead you know... =((( And I watch with a heart so sore... as you are so happy with each passing day... yet I wallow in sorrow and loneliness...

You have what I wished for the most... What I worked so hard for... What I love and value more than anything in the world... but why do u still complain? =( I see myself in you... and I feel ashamed of my past and u should feel utterly ashamed... I swear I will never look down on anyone ever again... and if someone ever truely have dreams that sound absurd I won't ever think of laughing... Becuase i finally truely understand the value... the value of hardwork and the amount of heart u put into wishing everyday... that the seed of hope you plant will blossom with enough effort and patience...

I feel really ashamed... as I finally understand all my life... how bad I must have made people felt... Whenever I get good grades but still complain about them... I see myself within your pain and I felt what death is like... to the bystanders... Perhaps you will never feel anything but just say 'too bad'... But when you are the one who puts in all your heart believing you can make something out of yourself and fail... It really feels like your life is of misfortune because other people like me... still get all the good grades despite only studying so lightly...

Dun laugh or mock people in your heart... Because people need you to believe in them... no matter how nonsensical... let's believe in them... because... I can tell u... how sad it is when the whole world... don't believe a word you say... and see you as a madman who is over emotional... ... Believe in someone that will add value to their lives... even if maybe my life is so worthless now... If I can make people believe in themselves when they never dared did...

Stepping stones to success... are inevitable... as survival of the fittest dictates... the winner steps ontop of the losers... where there will be a first there will be a last... But I learnt a painful lesson to never ever complain... Because... empathise yea... how other people feel... must have sucked... and I suck more... I'm so shallow... whenever I used to miss a mark to a perfect score I would almost cry... Goodbye... that part of my life... I just wanna be a common folk...

I dun want anything anymore... ... I just want my brother back... =((( Nothing matters that much anymore... Because... all my life... I never felt warmth of a family within my own home... even in school I jumped... from clique to clique... I never felt a sense of belonging or truely important... And somehow... bro... u made me feel what i never had... outside my home for the first time...

I remember... When I first felt that feeling of best friends... I went around telling all my friends so excited like a little boy... 'HEY HEY I FINALLY HAVE A BEST FRIEND!!! XD And he always will forever be... =)' Hurts my soul to remember... And now... my bro disowns me... I ask myself... what else am i worth? when my bro, my family... gave up on me... who else is there? Because I genuinely feel something inside disappeared... and I can't live on...

It feels as though u are the only thing holding me on to this life now... and with the breakage of this point... I see no meaning in living anymore... ... =( I'm truely pathetic... ...

I just wish... I can do something for u... so that u will see me as a friend like before... wish I could die for u... if that will make u feel... =(

Blanked...

I know I should be busy studying away now... ... In fact this is my second post in one day... Just feel so blank and down... Like I am trapped in some dark brooding depression... Can't seem to focus on homework because my attention span seems miraculously short-lived... Feel like doing nothing and just thinking... and thinking... and thinking... ... Thinking about nothing... ...

Feel kinda bitter inside... A mild prick perhaps and a gapping hole somehow... Things seem bleak now... maybe life is bleak too... ... Can't seem to find back something I lost... Can't seem to see ahead and see a nice future... only a cold and dark future... ... Dark clouds are gathering over me specifically... I seem to be a magnet for disaster...

Feel like talking and venting... yet I'm so tired to repeat every single thing... when I have been repeating it to myself... for the dunno how many tens of times... seriously can someone truely really understand what is this I am feeling? Is this all in the mind and self-made? I dunno... but feelings are true... at least it is real for me...

What the hell is wrong you know? It's just so dark... and everyone is so busy with stuffs... and I dun blame them... but wallowing in the sadness and loneliness alone... i feel so depressed... As days pass I doubt my own worth everyday... if truely I am a valuable asset to this world or just redundant as in... worthless... to anyone...

You know the saddest part of it all... ... or maybe the saddest plight anyone can ever end up is when... when no one in this world including yourself dun make u feel valuable. And to add it all up... ... feelings of non-belonging creeps up my soul again... and I am dashed at the very fact... I feel I have no family members anymore...

How much one's worth.... is not how much one can bring to the future... it is how much people around you make you feel that value... ... And I feel worthless... ... =((

I wonder... if I am gone one day... will anyone truely feel something important lost? T.T

I Just Need To Vent Because No One Is Around Now

Why are you sad again... ? =( I thought you expected it didn't you? Or was it you just bluffed yourself that you didn't know? T.T Why do you wanna cry? I thought you said... you wouldn't anymore? What is it you really hurt about? Tell me yea? =X Don't just feel so sad... ... it's so unhealthy you know... ... Do you really care so much... ... that it really hurts you this much...? =((

Just you know... ... It's no fair place for comparison... so dun always take it so personally... and blame yourself over everything... You're not superman... I know... it really sucks... when you are feeling so worthless... and you feel the whole world... dun value you anymore... I mean yea... the world is so big... what makes you so special? Yet to you you know... you are your own world... and always rememeber that... ... the most important person in the world to you is always yourself... ... =((( So dun feel so dejected... ...

What's your worth? A piece of gold or some piece of shit? Why do I feel... ... like I have not much worth... Overestimated myself... ...

Zhao Mian who do you think you are? When you see yourself so unhappy and depressed and always say this line: I really am happy for them... just I am sad for myself... =(( Dun be sad... ... though as I tell you dun be... my heart hurts so bad too... because I am you... ... ... ... Dun be so sad... for yourself... please... ... ... ...

Just as I see every parting moment... ... And go off alone... plus I try so hard... to gain acceptance and to fulfill a promise probably only I remember... My heart breaks in all directions... And cry my pillow wet all just feeling sad for... myself... ...

Why am I so worthless? I really wish... ... ... ... ... ...

I was more worthy... ... =(((

Rendezvous Dazed

Been seeing so many love stories recently this year... Comments: It's hard to believe people you know can get dunked into the river of love or get shot by cupid's arrow when it sort of never occurs to u... I mean friends joke around you know... about love and stuff... But it's always jokes... and all and plain old teasing of course... But when you realise things are more serious now... Just kind of taken aback and a bit hesitant... but of course happy for the new couples... Takes time to accept changes in your life I guess...

I wonder... If BGRs do us any good... or even this multi-dictionary-meaning of 'love'... If there was just this science fiction world where people were all just pure friends and all... I wonder if the world would be a better place? o.O But how would people reproduce then? asexually I suppose... LOL.

Kinda disgusted by BGRs and love after somewhat some experiences and things I see around me... I just feel when people are in love... Change seems inevitable... But to be in a relationship one day and look into a mirror and see myself from now... I wonder... If I could embrace such change with an open mind and of course an open heart... I really dunno >.<

But as much down in luck I am in love... I wish every couple or budding relationship be happy yea... As much mindless zombies of love sick people become... I see them exude a burst of new happiness I have never seen before... Dun think so much yea? I guess people who change are happy? =X

I accept it... as much as I am disgusted... at least people are happy and I see my friends so glad... Maybe love's not such a bad thing afterall... If not for it... I guess... I won't even be in this world now despising it... lol

For now... no BGRs for me... Just holding out my hand for that someone to hold back one day... Waiting and wishing everytime I see u... that will today be the day?

I promised since long ago... no matter what... or how tired my hand is I will extend it for you... Just waiting for you to extend yours one day... ... I wait... and wish it was today everyday...

Hang Over

In the midst of it all I can't believe I still have the time to blog... Ask me what's wrong? Frankly I have no clue... Just feel so heavy everyday like some dark cloud constantly looms over me... Wish I could talk to someone... But so tired of repeating everything all over again... I rather stay mute to myself... Feels like I am a madman in other people's eyes... Yet... now i rather choose to be a mute in people's eyes... ...

Those moments in school when I just suddenly feel this overwhelming state of blankness or periods when I just wanna emo and dun speak at all... I wonder... what's up? A chill wind blows... and I shiver... constantly reminded of the pain of losing what once was close... and now facing one other gaining what's lost... I can't do anything you know... =(

sadly I can't... but only bear mute witness... ... I wonder if in the silence of me.... You'll notice me fading into the background or the rain pouring just over my head... Feel blank and somehow when I thought I was lonely... as days pass by I feel even more lonely... Dun wanna talk to anyone about this anymore... Won't spread anything too... as promised... Feel like I'm drifitng... Drifitng till I can finally land firm... A wind blown seed searching for fertile soil to bear roots... Because truth is... for some reason dun feel like I belong to anywhere anymore... just feel like going into solitude for awhile... ... Just wanna be all alone and emo during breaktimes... because I feel so blank and thoughts fly past so fast I dun even remember what i thinking afterward...

Feel like dissociating from my life and the people for awhile... Because I feel like being alone and gloomy... Don't wanna spread it anyways... =( So i rather I am the one to isolate myself... Perhaps being alone will do me some good too... Maybe I am a life wrecker... Feel so tired everyday in the heart... But alas one thing that makes me hang on so convicted... I give up... don't wanna act hero anymore... at least for now... I just want a peaceful and plain quiet life...

I give up voicing because... No one cares and trusts... I wanna talk but I am so tired of repetition... I wanna be a mute... Searching for a matter to stopper that bleeding heart and gapping wound... ... Wallowing in the moonlight...

Anecdotes

Days of stories past... days of present linger... days of future imploration... Inspiration for indecision... I wish upon a wishing star... Far far away in the cosmos... If I could have my little wish granted and I would be grateful... When anger dissolves and denial stockpiles... I stare at life with a frost glazed eye. I wonder... of everyone... I wonder to myself... if sometimes some ridiculous tale will make adherents of realism believe... and accept...

I feel alone... and lonely... Cold as ice in ink black space... Gravitating from planet to planets... I wonder... when is it I will finally land on a place for me to stay... If only in this time of darkened emotions and ever-solemn mindset... I find someone to reach out and pour out this wish... If only friends will believe my tall tales... if only truths were not so inconvenient...

I see change in people I know... And I feel so distant... That how old times i reminisce... And appreciate the existence... to only see morphism in the face of new chapters in life... Trudging on on the path to life and its mysteries... My back getting heavier... My eyes much drier... Perhaps a foresight not so far...? A heart with stiches, glitches and fissures... I see the pain within my soul... I hate the change I see... Yet see the old in change and hold on... Because... as much as things changed and feelings gained and lost... Somehow... my convictions never changed... maybe wavered but never forgotten...

I try with might as tiny as nebula... To forge a genesis and to forgo the past... I yearn to convince the bulk of golden friendships... yet fearing the redress of the innocence of one so eye nailed... But with the littlest hope... I pray with every nebula and million nebulae... a glittering star will form... With debris apart and anecdotes told... perhaps by chance a glimmering hope...

I can't do much... thought slight translation... A quiver in the heart and a bandaged heart...

If only... someone will believe me... because I really tell the truth of what I see... =(((