For Because I Am Worthless

Feel the innate need to suffer and live a living hell... ... Because a stupid life is the only thing i have left in this game of life... A worthless life somewhat not important at all... compared to non-living things... ... Trying to stay awake with every last ounce of my will power... occasional knock outs only to wake up to the pain of realisation... a neverending night's cycle of cry and cry myself to accidentally sleep and wake up to only cry again... ...

I feel pain in every part of my soul... I ask myself and my broken self... rapidly diminishing senses... As i awake to pain again and again, never dying pain... And tell myself... let's just go jump off a building... yet I'm such a girl... because as much as I try to wanna jump... I can never bring myself to take that plunge... Other methods? Tempted... yet just have this slight feeling no worth eluding me...

What's gone is forever lost... ... because at the end of the day I see myself in the shards of a broken mirror... ... smitherines that are my heart crumpled into pieces and debris... It feels so sad... to know how worthless u are... yet still having to have to live this worthless life...

Emoer

I shouldn't have let it all out? Maybe I should have reserved more to myself... Perhaps I did irreversible damage in me being rash... But intense sadness over a lonely late night? =X I can't take it much though... ... I look at two coloured objects I place on my table... and rmb that day... and the day to come... I really hope it lasts that long...

Disappointed... Sad... lonely... remorseful all jumbled into one... I feel I did a wrong decision... ...

I'm an emoer... Dark clouds seem to loom whenever I'm all alone... ...

The Art Of Drama

Drama is an art... The beauty of literacy in it's most expressive form, and the spark that gives life to an interesting conversation. It is the perception based on creativity and to most the extremist and perfectionist. Watch those musicals on TV... High school muscial, Camp Rock and all... Imagine a world in musical. What a world it would be... Where me making a trip to the toilet or going school would mean people around me dancing to catchy tunes. And when you are sad how convinient lol. Instant sad music to enhance the atmosphere XD

Dancing to the rhythm of life... Seeing new things everyday. Everything exactly the same but somewhat different. Long time no blog... so many things to say yet so difficult to ellaborate. everybody should be busy mugging away now... But I guess I'm procrastinating. Finally got music back to my own blog. Feels as though also finally got some music back into my own life.

Living for the day after tomorrow... I wonder what kind of day that would be? Taking light hearted sleep. I've become a light sleeper. Drifting passively with the bulk of the people and leading a life of complacency.Tall tales to entertain myself? hardly any nowadays... =X Yet as I think to myself everynight... keep feeling somehow sometime soon some kind of drama is going to start unfolding.

Learning the arts to surviving harsh reality. To esacpe to my inner sanctuary to conceal myself from blindspots. Though times are ending and new time is creating every living second of my life. As I relinquish the past and doubt the future, I ask myself in the present where I wanna go and ask myself lots of typical 'think too much' questions.

I really wonder all the time... If what we are living in is the real world. How do I know if I am dreaming. In fact how does everyone know if they are truely existent or not. Maybe we're all part of someone's dream. Maybe we're all fictious characters in a book? No one knows. Yet as I fear with a fear so deeply intense deep inside. What happens if I wake up one day to find out the 18 years of my life was just a dream and that nothing ever happened. If so... who am I really? Perhaps an old geezer in hospital? Perhaps a baby having a dream? Or even someone in a comma seeing visions of another world. The parallel world called our world.

No one can tell me what is truely real and what is truely false. Faith shall carry us through the darkest hour yea? I used to think so. But I wonder if faith is what we turn to when we have no answers. If this really were by a chance a dream world... perhaps our dearly departed had merely just woken up. And the point when we die we shall finally understand what it all means to be living in this world we are now. Even if this were a dream... I wish I never woke up =X Grown so emotionally attached to so many things here... Can't possibly just go like that... =((

These past few days have felt so happy... I kind of dread the days after even though i know its bad. I'm learning to be good... So one day my dream and wish will come true... For now... I guess take it all down... even though I feel that lonely feeling... It's alright... perhaps then appreciation will come before anything else... ...

My one and only wish... since starting of the year... ... If with enough effort and sincerity... Perhaps... ... it might... ... happen? I wish so hard >.<

Will Power

I need to do something now or it'll all be too late... precious diamond, multi-faceted... flawless quality, crystal clear perception... Beautiful illusion in front of me. I feel complacency in my heart, but as voices of reason wake me up... I sitr in my own sleep and ask myself why I'm not doing anything...

A ban to yourself? haha... Maybe its time to remove the ban becuz it would seem like a source for motivation... something my complacent soul seriously needs... That kind of fire power like last time... That incinerates all... I hate myself seriously... as I hear people say the truth and I myself blame myself....

What the hell am i thinking? =X I gotta change course, go another direction... becuz this idea is crazy... Yet do i even have a chance to success it seems pessimistic or perhaps over estimating myself... =((

Broken

I wonder when views will change... ... Though views are not always true... and many people different perception... If only impressions never lasted... but that will mean turning back the hands of time... Though it's inside that matters and you know who you are... sometimes I wish I could take out my heart, so that people will see... so that people will believe what I claim is true and take my word for it...

Though i say its alright... Politically correct sentence and word of consolment to decieve oneself: 'Let those shallow people be. Who cares for people who judge you before they know u...' Yet we all are to blame for ourselves sometimes right? We portrayed ourselves that way, so it's our own choice.

To be ourselves or to show what people wanna see... I wonder... if there's a line somewhere between those two that is subtle yet perfect. Wanna tell the world... if i said it truely ok... I would be lying... becuz who would be? =( It's one of those things that even if I jumped into the yellow river I can never wash off the 'sin'... Neither would it make a difference if I strapped myself to a lie detector... and say the truth... people will just believe what their brains and hearts tell them... science and logic too will not be considered a valid answer... for ppl who dun believe u will qn if those sciences are 100% accurate...

I guess... i can only count on ppl that believe me... =(

I wish there was a way i could show them I'm not what they think i am... ... =X

Heartbreak

I feel so much heartbreak... My heart has split into two... >.< I feel so sorry yet so lost... I wish you won't ignore me plz... =X I just wanna talk and communicate so i know what exactly you hate me so much about? I know its shameful and so stupid of me... becuz though i did something wrong I until now still not very sure... =X I wish you would tell me... ... hai... dun ignore me bro
=((((

I dun ever once wanted to harm you and even if i did... I really didn't mean to... =( and so i tell you sincerely I'm sorry... ... for becuz I hurt you so much... =( I know whatever I say... there is never a sure way to ever tell if i am lying to u or if its truely how I feel... Even if i say i strap myself to a lie detector... i guess ultimately i understand now... trust is something that can never be proven but is just how much u believe someone... I hope u believe me bro... =X I really saying all those things from the bottom of my heart...

You're my most important friend and a family member to me too... =( And I'll treasure u no matter how things turn out... I wonder if I'm selfish? I know maybe is just i wanna save this frenship so is selfish of me... but really... >.< U really wanna end? =(((( How do u expect me to just see it end when you're my brother sia...

My heart's in a mess now... even feel things I NOT supposed to feel... >.<>.< really... To me now... my brother is the most important thing and nothing else... so just... give me a chance will u? =X Let past issues be buried and dun dig them up anymore... We cannot change the past but at least we have the present? =X

Just sorry bro... really sorry... T.T Dun be mad at me anymore... =(

If i dun flush that thing out of my system I forsee terrible danger... so... for me and your sake... I said bye forever to that thing... ... =(

The Truth Shall Set Us Free?

I feel bad... Having to lie and lie to cover up my lies... So tired having to worry one day secrets will be known and me having to deal with the aftermath... So I hid myself... And my deed to protect myself from a storm... ... Reap what you sow yea? However as I thought for a long time too... Even if its wrong... ... or bad... I didn't intend to do anything bad in the first place... =X Never did... Harmed no one... Only harmed myself... ... And in the end when I finally wanna tell people I become a criminal...

Although I say it's no longer... Will you believe me? Because I lied to you before because I dun wanna lose you... ... Last time... As much as I hate it... Feelings and emotions I can't control one right? Even though I tried so hard... And in the end when everyone tell me... I didn't do anything bad... I wonder why my fate is still as such... =(

I just was so scared all this time... the truth will leave me empty... yet always hated so much to lie to u... I should have just said... and I wished deep inside when I tell you perhaps you'll tell me it's alright since its over... It's my dark past... And accept me for who I once were and what now... ... I never lied about any other thing but this... This I promise... But will you believe me this time? I'll only say I'm sorry... ... becuz... i once told you i will never lie to u about anything...

I wanna say I love you brother... Not in a way you now might think... Because you're like my family outside home... and whether brother and best friend was ever real? I assure u... I never thought otherwise for a second... ... and that's the truth I can only say...