I suck at so many things and I lose to others in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a lousy human being. But yet, even as I lose at so many things (I have bad grades, bad fashion, bad hair, bad skin... ...); the one thing that I want to lose more than anything... I end up winning at gaining weight and storing fat :( The all who have never been fat (and I mean really obese), you will never ever understand how much internal pain those who have been obese have ever experienced. It is a world of pain and internal trauma... That's how I feel about it at least, and I want to just spill everything I feel and all the hurt I experience in all my years; how much it has eroded me inside and made hollow my confidence.
Imagine sitting on a typical MRT train seat. Suddenly comes a middle aged couple and the husband asks the wife to sit down on the empty seat beside me. Instead of sitting down, the wife tells the husband: "the guy so big sized later very squeezy. Don't want." It may have been a passing remark from a middle aged woman who did not know better. But to the person innocently sitting at that MRT seat - that is me - I was trying my best to make myself small and to squeeze as much as I could to the corner just so someone else can have a comfortable seat too. I really really wanted to cry so bad at that point in time; how I wish I could just stand up and run away and just let the couple take the paired seats instead. I felt I did no wrong, but yet, I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. Because of my existence; just because I was there and I could not help my own size... that I had to deprive a middle aged woman a chance to give her legs a rest~
It rained heavy that day
When it came to sports or games that involved physical strength I always felt so much like a piece of dead weight. In terms of agility I just can't match up to the smaller sized people. Yet sadly... Singaporean guys are all so small in size. S suddenly became the normal size and anything larger just made me feel so ugly. When shopping for clothes... all the fashionable pieces of display were designed for small builds and a lot of shops don't even sell bigger sizes for people with builds like mine. I always dreamed of one day being in those fashionable clothes but I know that given my shoulder width and my thorax diameter that I would never look good in those since the cuttings were never meant for an abnormal build like mine... I could only dream and feel uglier and see my friends wear nice clothes and complement them and feel terrible inside...
I just wanted to be normal
I don't like to brush my teeth or wash my face in front of a mirror. My family have always found me brushing my teeth while sitting in the living room and going back to the washroom just to rinse the foam off... If they knew how I felt when I see myself in the mirror they will then know how much I couldn't stand my own reflection. I hated cameras and almost never ever take selfies because I always felt unworthy to be in them. Unlike the nice photos I see on Facebook and Instagram... I could never never imagine myself looking half as good. I just felt that I would be a laughing stock and be judged. When I take photos with my friends I always like to shy into the background because I felt I never got enough make it to the foreground...
So I had the most awkward camera poses and shy-ed away from all kinds of reflective surfaces
Sometimes people find me anti-social just because I don't go out very often. Especially when it comes to family gatherings or old friend reunions. They fill me with so much pain because sometimes I feel so much fatter and I know these people will notice and judge me. I felt unworthy and so I did not dare to go out so much for these reunions and such. "wow you sure have grown bigger"... to such a question... to what answer should I answer? Because after 20 odd years of this and my own parents' complaints even in the refuge of my own room they made me feel so small even though I was so big...
I felt insignificantly small... Just trudging on each day hoping for a better tomorrow
So I went on extreme diets and ate close to nothing each day. Exercised a few hours a day and even have fainting episodes. But I still refused to give up. I cared no more for my own health because I was willing to reduce my own lifespan just to have the chance to feel normal. I remember a time when I actually looked up and called Mount Elizabeth hospital to check on liposuction rates this summer. I had a good cry after the whole thing because that was just how much I hated myself and how much I yearned to feel normal... After 2 months of such dieting... I now eat either 1 or no meals per day and I make sure to exercise 3 hours a day. I lost 24 kg in 2 months...
But when I look around me and I see myself in the mirror it still felt awful and I still wanted 20kg more off me... People may not admit it... but underweight is the norm in Singapore... being acceptable weight is not...
When I showed my good friends my before and after photos (after the 24kg) they saw a significant difference and I asked them why they did not tell me I looked so disgracefully horrendous 2 months ago even when I asked them... One answer made me cry (but the person probably didn't know):
"No one can feel you're ugly because you appealed to them in a different way; through your unique personality. So no one was lying..."
Still 20kg to go... I want to be underweight more than anything in the world now... The list of painful experiences go so deep and even extend beyond those listed... I honestly have no idea what I will do and have been doing will cause health implications...
But I don't care... I don't mind pain and I don't mind dying... I just want to have a taste of what it is like to not feel and be fugly and also to feel like a normal person who can sit on an mrt train and feel guiltless and no longer a burden T.T
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