Rainy Day

It's a sad... and lonely night today... It's raining like there's no tomorrow... The howling wind beating against the windows... Raindrops falling and trickling down the window sill... Protected from the outside like an oasis from the onslaught of the storm... a sanctuary amidst disaster... A refuge to seek shelter from the malevolent clouds... and the scudding rain's fury...

I shiver... ... And I shudder... Starring and asking why... asking if god will hear and tell me... why even in my room there's still rain falling on my head...

The rain seems so big just above my head... so lightly it falls on other people... And as I absorb the shock and impact of the falling rain... ... I look out and create rain myself... When life's unfair... and know it... That the grass is greener on the other side always... And also for rain that only seems to hit me more badly...

Yet as I stop and stare... and ask myself if it's just me...? And cry in pain and suffering amidst everything else... it's like time froze... Living in trepidation... for a silly mistake that will beckon me sayonara... I live in fear for the just that slip up that will bring me all the way to the hell for ppl who die in hell...

Talked and talked... so many things and so little time... As I ranted misfortune how sorrowful and dull... Only to realise... the person i talked to was no better... Two emo ppl talked and talked... and in the end... how more sad it is... the world's so sad... ... ... ... =( but at the end... in all the tears... Somehow... comfort follows and i know... it's never only me... ... neither is it big or small... ...

Peered out of the window... to see the rain... to see it subsided... as calm as it was my heart... searched for that last puddle or wet marks on the concrete floor... But in the end...

Where's the rain? It was raining in deed... ... somewhere else... just not outside... ... but inside... ...

What's Tormenting Me? =(

What's tormenting me? Driving me insane and all fickle... What driving me? To think of all those rushing films of thoughts... What's bugging me so much? That is makes me restless day and night... What's this I am feeling? Is it anguish? Sadness? Dullness? or...? Information overload... So much rushing through my head yet so little I understand...

Wanna talk to so many people... yet strangely nothing comes out... Ask me what I wanna say... The answer is I dunno too... Just feel like there's so many things in my heart and mind... But I still dunno what I wanna say to anyone... Save me from this torment... This bugging sensation that is so irritating and refuses to let way...

What's wrong with me seriously? Why am I so troubled by something I cannot even pinpoint... What's this all about? Perhaps I have some idea... But why is it I can't speak it out? Why...? =(((

Can I do what I decided I would do when the right time comes...? Or would I be too soft and give in in the end... Is this right of me? To abandon my heart for what is right for the soul? But then again... perhaps things would turn out fine without my interference... Let's wait and see... But can I deliver the ultimate hand of judgement? To do what i said and to do what is right... To do not what only I think is right... and what is fair... But what everyone thinks should be the right way to do it... I'll try... But I can never promise...

I said so long... ... But I guess... u dun care actually or get the hint... ... Apathy? am I capable of that?... ... I can only say... easily erroded convictions...

Bubbles

Waiting for something that might not come at this very moment... Yet waiting like there's all that 100% guarantee that with enough hope things will go as you wish or expected... Not just waiting for things at this moment... everyone.... everything... seems to be waiting for something else... What am I waiting for? I am waiting... ... for what I am waiting for... ...

I see bubbles all around me... Beautiful bubbles of dreams so big... Fragile bubbles of hopes real easily dashed... I see the passion in people's eyes, feel the warmth of life flowing through people's veins, and hear voices of people vague and clear... I smile to the image of flowery languages and views... yet behind me the soul weeps for the frail and delicate nature of such ideaologies...

All is one, and one is all... I am the one, and the world is the all... All of us are but tiny specks of life moving like the blood through the vessels of the Earth... How losing one life means nothing... Yet as a bulk of the human race and all life on it we form the rivers of life and the flow of the living and its life force... As each life affects another and another affects yet another... We soon realise... our life does not belong to purely thyself... That everything and everyone is connected somehow in a huge tapestry so tightly woven together...

The human body composition: water 35litres, carbon 20kg, ammonia 4litres, salt 250g, sulphur 80g, iron 5g, lime 1.5kg, silicon 3g, fluorine 7.5g, phosphorus 800g, and trace amounts of 15 other elements. all these materials easily obtainable and cheap too yet... by some mysterious miracle we can move and live... Body, soul and spirit... The spirit connects the soul and the body...

I wait aimlessly both for the future and the present... as I once said before... 'I prospect the very origin and set off from the threshold... Ended up at the point of all beginnings... Only to understand... everything is a cycle...'. If that's really the case... then I wonder... by moving forward whether we are moving backward too? That ultimately what is a goal? When everything is just a cycle of being...

Am I sad today? =( I dunno... Do I feel something? Yea... What is it I feeling? Nothing... ... Same thing on my mind? Perhaps... A penny for your thoughts then? Definitely... Am I unhappy again?

I dunno... because... its undescribable... as someone once said to me... 'How do u define unhappy or happy? Just okok la...' So i guess... I'm... okok =(

Leech

I wonder... what's happening all around me... as I play and play the piano until my hands hurt and my mind all blur... I asked myself what's my worth and rememebered... someone says I am hopeless...

And I see insecurity within myself... reflected in actions, feelings and gestures... I won't force anymore... ... But dun dun believe me... Becuz i feel that feeling of disbelief... all over again... =( Because I speak only the voice of truth... short term memory and u forget... It breaks my heart... but dun destroy it and say I am making dubious claims... becuz I swear u know... I didn't =( Believe me plz... dun say I am a liar and imagined things... Becuz I'm lucid... and it hurts so much hearing it from u... U know... i went to learn it... ... How can it be i made it up? plz believe me...

And I am tearing and crying so madly as I make this post... but I know I'm emo and easily sad.. And people too tired to care anymore... But it hurts so much each time...... not playing or acting or what... ... It's real... ... And i dun even know... if people believe anymore... Probably always just think I'm just putting up a pitiful act or sorts...

I feel like a leech and I fear that forever does not exist... Trying so hard to make forever exist... I can no longer make u feel happy anymore... nor help u anymore... T.Ti wish i was more worth... but i can't... ...

Please believe me... ... I'm not lying... or trying to say i right and u wrong... but even if u forget... dun say i lied and fabricate stories... I really didn't =( and It HURTS me so much... u thought i did

Equivalent Exchange

Miraculousy... I dun feel anything... Something seems missing somehow... And I dunno why... ... Watching the anime fullmetal alchemist these few days... and completed the whole saga. Felt something after watching and during watching... I feel I got some ideas... Cried as I watched the ending... It was not a really happy one... though fulfilling in its own way... And as I watch this drama...

Some of my own drama flashes by... As quickly as it is over...

Confessions Of A Teenage Drama King-No Longer

I still wonder why... everday the facts I try so hard to drill into myself... The fact of life is unfair... The fact that my bro doesn't feel the same anymore... The fact that no one will believe me... And the fact that no one will understand me, because only I myself will understand myself...

I can't... ... I can't really voice out much if it would cause that much unhappiness... That unhappiness stems from the fact that it is a contagious plaque and whoever spreads it is a sinner... I'M SERIOUSLY NOT HAPPY... ... =((( And not because angry or because of all these facts... I just dun feel happy anymore... ... But then... I remember someone says... 'You unhappy you come find me. Then when I XXX I come find who? YOU? zzzz :@' Yea who am I kidding? Who will truely help other people when they need to help themselves... I wanna tell myself I have value in this world... Yet everyday with each passing moment I feel my existence fade into the background and my worth plummet like a stockmarket crash.

I wonder... though if anyone cares... ? =( Because I feel myself sinking and I can't get up... Only thing holding me onto this world is rapidly dissociating... And I know my bro is probaby mad at me... I screwed his test... And when the moment comes... and I feel so absolutely horrible... I wanted to screw my bio test so that I can feel the same pain... Yet he got madder... T.T But my mind is set... Let's screw... ... Not because for him only... but also because... I feel this is of no value... that even if I failed... it won't matter? And winnie... you can finally win... Infact I'll let you win everything now... I'm so tired with life... Because... when I truely wanted to work for something all my life... I was passionate and above all an optimist but things changed... as I find myself sobbing to a pillow every night asking god if he would hear... ...

And I wanna hide at home... and never come to school again... But I feel so much better in school... because it is home where all the acting begins... when I have to act like nothing is wrong when my whole life is wrong...and it's the single MOST horried feeling when you have to pretend nothing is wrong... T.T At least in school I can feel sad and dun need to be a superb actor... Friends... ... I feel like an outcast.... ... Sometimes...dun be so good to me... Just leave me alone... Becuz I feel so uneasy when I feel so worthless yet you all still treat me like that... =(

I wanna shun away from everyone.... and my nature pushes me to find people to seek help... my dependency... but after today... and what happens to my bro... I am more than convinced I am a jinx... ... suicidal thoughts plaque me everyday... How carbon monoxide toxicity interests me so much when Dr Gan says it is that lethal and fast... ... I feel my appetite failing everyday... I dunno why... ... But I feel so full yet I wanna eat so much and end up vomitting late in the night when everyone is asleep... when my weird feasting begins late at night...

I look into the mirror... And I dun recognise the new me... ... I'm a pathetic soul and I am not just thinking that up... I feel like starving myself to death... Or maybe just something I can do to gain people's attention... because I feel so alone... and I am feeling so unhappy... and upset...

I'm sorry bro... If u are ever reading this... ... I wish I could die too... maybe just walk down a road and get hit by a car... Or get a heartattack and just roll over and die... I wanna die so much... Never felt this way before... ... I still see our past and I shudder... and feel cracks in my already hollowed heart... How you can forget everything...

I feel hatred... For my life and everything in it... I hate my family... I hate my friends... I hate the pain... I hate the unfairness... and I hate myself above all... Everything is my fault... My fault... And the only person i dun feel hate is my bro... ... I feel indebted... I ask myself why I have to do so much faults...

I shout in silence like a mute... SAVE ME SAVE ME!!! But I only hear myself like an echo in the distant wind... ... Won't anyone believe me... and make me feel... ...

There is something worth living for... and not myself... becuz I am worthless...

A Piece Of Self-pity

I wonder... why life is so unfair... No argument there? It is a fact that life is and always will be unfair... ... When you work super extra hard for something your heart truely desires so much.... and in the end you see what you work so hard for in the eyes of other people who dun even do much about it... Sucks... ...

Some people are so blessed... One person in particular... I envy so much you know... That why can you have everything I dun have? U can have romance, a best friend, people who believe you, fitness, a family warm enough to go home to and awesome grades... But I look at myself... and feel so empty... ... Why? WHY? Where did I ever go wrong that you can have everything while I have only a pathethic grades to hang onto only... and grades and academics this sort of thing.... It's dead you know... =((( And I watch with a heart so sore... as you are so happy with each passing day... yet I wallow in sorrow and loneliness...

You have what I wished for the most... What I worked so hard for... What I love and value more than anything in the world... but why do u still complain? =( I see myself in you... and I feel ashamed of my past and u should feel utterly ashamed... I swear I will never look down on anyone ever again... and if someone ever truely have dreams that sound absurd I won't ever think of laughing... Becuase i finally truely understand the value... the value of hardwork and the amount of heart u put into wishing everyday... that the seed of hope you plant will blossom with enough effort and patience...

I feel really ashamed... as I finally understand all my life... how bad I must have made people felt... Whenever I get good grades but still complain about them... I see myself within your pain and I felt what death is like... to the bystanders... Perhaps you will never feel anything but just say 'too bad'... But when you are the one who puts in all your heart believing you can make something out of yourself and fail... It really feels like your life is of misfortune because other people like me... still get all the good grades despite only studying so lightly...

Dun laugh or mock people in your heart... Because people need you to believe in them... no matter how nonsensical... let's believe in them... because... I can tell u... how sad it is when the whole world... don't believe a word you say... and see you as a madman who is over emotional... ... Believe in someone that will add value to their lives... even if maybe my life is so worthless now... If I can make people believe in themselves when they never dared did...

Stepping stones to success... are inevitable... as survival of the fittest dictates... the winner steps ontop of the losers... where there will be a first there will be a last... But I learnt a painful lesson to never ever complain... Because... empathise yea... how other people feel... must have sucked... and I suck more... I'm so shallow... whenever I used to miss a mark to a perfect score I would almost cry... Goodbye... that part of my life... I just wanna be a common folk...

I dun want anything anymore... ... I just want my brother back... =((( Nothing matters that much anymore... Because... all my life... I never felt warmth of a family within my own home... even in school I jumped... from clique to clique... I never felt a sense of belonging or truely important... And somehow... bro... u made me feel what i never had... outside my home for the first time...

I remember... When I first felt that feeling of best friends... I went around telling all my friends so excited like a little boy... 'HEY HEY I FINALLY HAVE A BEST FRIEND!!! XD And he always will forever be... =)' Hurts my soul to remember... And now... my bro disowns me... I ask myself... what else am i worth? when my bro, my family... gave up on me... who else is there? Because I genuinely feel something inside disappeared... and I can't live on...

It feels as though u are the only thing holding me on to this life now... and with the breakage of this point... I see no meaning in living anymore... ... =( I'm truely pathetic... ...

I just wish... I can do something for u... so that u will see me as a friend like before... wish I could die for u... if that will make u feel... =(