Like The River Flowing

I keep thinking of what I should be doing now; what I should be doing next; and what I ought to be doing 2-3 years from now. Just today when I was in the midst of my night running I thought about a lot of things... particularly my hopes and dreams of the future: What I wanted to see myself doing in a few years time... but more importantly if I am on track to those end goals I have~

If there is one thing that I hated most about business school is the fact that I have so many group projects happen simultaneously. The effort, relationship management and the commitment you put in is always so stressful as opposed to doing some final exam - when do or die is your own responsibility. Of late, I doubt my worth in project group works - not to say that I do not put in effort. Seriously... when it comes to group projects I am always very committed because the last thing I want to do is cause other people to be unhappy or fail because of me :(

Rather... I doubt my contributions because I feel that my spirit is no longer in tact~

I love to entertain and I especially love to do presentations in fun and interesting ways. In fact... as much as slides designing is extremely stressful (because I need to impress) I always enjoy making vibrant and exciting looking slides.  I feel my contributions are dwindling because the path to my hopes and dreams seem to not include a business degree as a flag point... Sometimes... I feel unworthy and guilty for holding onto the NUS business school's scholarship because they have effectively invested money into a guy who will not graduate to bring the business world to new heights; I also feel doubly bad because my receipt of the scholarship might have robbed someone more deserving~ Either ways... I always did feel bad especially since my grades are not spectacular and I live my life 'happy-go-lucky' style... probably not one will expect of an up and coming businessman no? =X

I want to learn the ways of the culinary... make my own portfolio and become a pastry chef. I had always known I liked cooking when I helped out my mum (as opposed to my sister) in the kitchen since I was in primary school and having learned all my mum's signature Chinese dishes. But I was weak... I admit it... I was WEAK... I tossed my hopes and dreams of becoming a chef because:

1) My dad is a traditional Chinese dad who did not tolerate any forms of feminism in his son;
2) I was doing very well academically and peer pressure dictated the stereotypical: businessman, doctor or lawyer route;
3) It was unconventional 

I regret it now though... so for the first time in my life... I went to buy a whole set of baking equipment and an expensive professional oven without my parent's consent 3 months ago and started embarking on the right path to my hopes and dreams. But why transition to the sweet from the savoury? All because of one movie and one line:

This one line in Mean Girls the movie... which I watched when I was in Secondary School was so hilarious that the cinema erupted in laughter. I laughed as well because it was meant for comedic effect... but at the same time... I wished that I could be like her! I want to be a pastry chef because desserts have this wonderful ability to make people happy... Just looking at a beautiful cake brings smiles... and while the things I bake may not really contain rainbows and unicorns... I hope that by making my own sweet creations with plenty of smiles and colourful feelings that people who taste it can taste the difference so that they too can eat and be happy :)

I don't know what lies ahead anymore... I am working hard and baking new creations at least once a week now and intending to make a portfolio or apprenticeship applications during school vacations. I don't want to fight for internships with the intense biz kids anymore... It ain't easy but more importantly it ain't what I want... My duty to all my groupmates I will always fulfill... always... don't worry yea~

A Summer Sweatfest: Metamorphosis is here

If you followed my last blog post, you'll know how much I've suffered for this entire summer. From eating antacids just to be able to go to sleep on my extreme diet to swimming laps in the pool close to passing out and drowning. Yet, all this physical pain is trivial compared to the emotional trauma that being obese has done to me :( That's right... I would never have wished being fat on any of my enemies because that truly is the worst thing ever. But here's the good news... it DOESN'T HAVE TO STAY THAT WAY! If I can do it so can you!

In this blog post I have done photo recreations of some of the most Fugly photos I have seen myself and did a 'before and after comparison'. If you have seen me around on April 2014 you'll probably see me as the 'before' part. Fugly, awkward, and disgusting... (That's how I feel :() For a long time I have never told anyone my weight because I was embarrassed. But this time I am going to just SPILL... (please brace yourself)

I WAS A FREAKING 112KG IN THE BEFORE PHOTOS!!!! BUT no longer... In just 2.5 months of sweat, blood, tears and pain... today I have lost 28kg! I'm 84kg now... (Still not perfect of course but I am STILL WORKING ON IT)

Goodbye to my A-cup MOOBS (used to be... I felt I put some flat chested women to shame actually then) and my horrible muffin top. And thank GOD I can finally see my chin and my neck! Hallelujah!

I'm still not a six pac kinda guy... But I am still working as hard and with as much FIRE as I have been doing since I first started on this transformation journey. I have even become much stronger, fitter and more flexible... I can finally do my BRIDGE for Pilates!!!

Now I'm not posting all these pictures to gloat about my success or to tell the World that I have an iron determination. What I want people to know is that weight loss is all about having that drive to get what you want! To all my friends who believed in me I hope this post will be my way of expressing to your my huge resolve and my voice. How I've transformed myself from inside to outside; how I've tried and learned to love my body more... Most importantly how touched I am that... even in all those 'before' pictures... that no matter how ugly and fat and obnoxious I looked that I still always had friends who never felt I was ugly or ever felt ashamed just being around me T.T

For a long time... I always felt very bad just to be seen around friends who were so attractive to me... I wallowed in self pity and fell into a deep whole of denial... Denial that fate was meant to be; that I could do nothing to change life only the way I viewed life.

I wanted an average life... just to eat normally like everyone else and to walk on the streets feeling like a normal human being. As much ridiculous as it may seem... Being fat made me feel I was dumb and also that I was not ever as talented as anyone else... not worthy...

I'm still far from being perfect and I am still trying very hard each and every single day to lose all that FAT! To all those who wanna lose weight I offer these 5 IMPORTANT but often overlooked tips:

#1: Do not be over ambitious. Do NOT ever start your workout routine and do crazy things like run 6 km to KILL that fat (as much as that surely will). This is especially true if you have not exercised for a long time. Reason being you'll probably feel immense pain and discomfort after the exercise and the next day and this will give you the PERFECT excuse to say 'I can't take this... I give up!' Trust me... Been there done that!

#2: Memorize calorie charts. Having knowledge of the calorie count of almost everything I ate transformed my mind into a calories calculator. This deters me from eating stuff A LOT! For example... do you know that a cup of milk is already 120 kcal (around there)? Ok that IS SCARY to me...

#3: Always do your workouts at a particular time of the day. For me I always do 1 hour right after I wake up (so if i go to work at 7am i jolly well wake up at 4.30am to do it before going out to work) and 1-2 hours in the evening. Having this designated time... your body and brain will make this a habit and if you fail to do these things during that particular time you are VERY LIKELY to feel guilty or restless and do it even if you dread it. trust me... your body may scream but it will THANK you afterward.

#4: Drink cold water and take even colder bathes. Your body is warm blooded and ingesting cold stuff (especially water) will force your body to burn your brown fat just to heat your body to normal temperature again. Same thing applies for cold showers. P.S. please do not imagine drinking hot water and imagining the hot water melting the fat... that DOES NOT happen.

#5: Download motivating workout songs. That HELPS a lot. I am running on the track and I become a Lion hearing 'Roar' by Katy Parry and JUST when I am about to give up... Britney comes up with 'Work Bitch!' and I am working that track like a crazy bitch! It WORKS!

#6: Look at your fugly photos everyday. It brings me to tears but it also reminds me of the horror of being fat and hence even more fire to burn out those fatty bits!

#7: FOLLOW CASSEY HO for Blogilates (find her on youtube or even google her). SHE IS MY INSPIRATION! Pilates really tones up those saggy muscles of yours and makes you more flexible. At the end of the day you even have a better posture and look more confident!

Just always remember... ALWAYS... There is NO elevator to success... You FREAKIN TAKE the stairs!

The Only Thing We Want To Lose At

I suck at so many things and I lose to others in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a lousy human being. But yet, even as I lose at so many things (I have bad grades, bad fashion, bad hair, bad skin... ...); the one thing that I want to lose more than anything... I end up winning at gaining weight and storing fat :( The all who have never been fat (and I mean really obese), you will never ever understand how much internal pain those who have been obese have ever experienced. It is a world of pain and internal trauma... That's how I feel about it at least, and I want to just spill everything I feel and all the hurt I experience in all my years; how much it has eroded me inside and made hollow my confidence.

Imagine sitting on a typical MRT train seat. Suddenly comes a middle aged couple and the husband asks the wife to sit down on the empty seat beside me. Instead of sitting down, the wife tells the husband: "the guy so big sized later very squeezy. Don't want." It may have been a passing remark from a middle aged woman who did not know better. But to the person innocently sitting at that MRT seat - that is me - I was trying my best to make myself small and to squeeze as much as I could to the corner just so someone else can have a comfortable seat too. I really really wanted to cry so bad at that point in time; how I wish I could just stand up and run away and just let the couple take the paired seats instead. I felt I did no wrong, but yet, I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. Because of my existence; just because I was there and I could not help my own size... that I had to deprive a middle aged woman a chance to give her legs a rest~ 

It rained heavy that day

When it came to sports or games that involved physical strength I always felt so much like a piece of dead weight. In terms of agility I just can't match up to the smaller sized people. Yet sadly... Singaporean guys are all so small in size. S suddenly became the normal size and anything larger just made me feel so ugly. When shopping for clothes... all the fashionable pieces of display were designed for small builds and a lot of shops don't even sell bigger sizes for people with builds like mine. I always dreamed of one day being in those fashionable clothes but I know that given my shoulder width and my thorax diameter that I would never look good in those since the cuttings were never meant for an abnormal build like mine... I could only dream and feel uglier and see my friends wear nice clothes and complement them and feel terrible inside...

I just wanted to be normal

I don't like to brush my teeth or wash my face in front of a mirror. My family have always found me brushing my teeth while sitting in the living room and going back to the washroom just to rinse the foam off... If they knew how I felt when I see myself in the mirror they will then know how much I couldn't stand my own reflection. I hated cameras and almost never ever take selfies because I always felt unworthy to be in them. Unlike the nice photos I see on Facebook and Instagram... I could never never imagine myself looking half as good. I just felt that I would be a laughing stock and be judged. When I take photos with my friends I always like to shy into the background because I felt I never got enough make it to the foreground...

So I had the most awkward camera poses and shy-ed away from all kinds of reflective surfaces

Sometimes people find me anti-social just because I don't go out very often. Especially when it comes to family gatherings or old friend reunions. They fill me with so much pain because sometimes I feel so much fatter and I know these people will notice and judge me. I felt unworthy and so I did not dare to go out so much for these reunions and such. "wow you sure have grown bigger"... to such a question... to what answer should I answer? Because after 20 odd years of this and my own parents' complaints even in the refuge of my own room they made me feel so small even though I was so big...

I felt insignificantly small... Just trudging on each day hoping for a better tomorrow

So I went on extreme diets and ate close to nothing each day. Exercised a few hours a day and even have fainting episodes. But I still refused to give up. I cared no more for my own health because I was willing to reduce my own lifespan just to have the chance to feel normal. I remember a time when I actually looked up and called Mount Elizabeth hospital to check on liposuction rates this summer. I had a good cry after the whole thing because that was just how much I hated myself and how much I yearned to feel normal... After 2 months of such dieting... I now eat either 1 or no meals per day and I make sure to exercise 3 hours a day. I lost 24 kg in 2 months...

But when I look around me and I see myself in the mirror it still felt awful and I still wanted 20kg more off me... People may not admit it... but underweight is the norm in Singapore... being acceptable weight is not...

When I showed my good friends my before and after photos (after the 24kg) they saw a significant difference and I asked them why they did not tell me I looked so disgracefully horrendous 2 months ago even when I asked them... One answer made me cry (but the person probably didn't know):

"No one can feel you're ugly because you appealed to them in a different way; through your unique personality. So no one was lying..."

Still 20kg to go... I want to be underweight more than anything in the world now... The list of painful experiences go so deep and even extend beyond those listed... I honestly have no idea what I will do and have been doing will cause health implications...

But I don't care... I don't mind pain and I don't mind dying... I just want to have a taste of what it is like to not feel and be fugly and also to feel like a normal person who can sit on an mrt train and feel guiltless and no longer a burden T.T

A Tree That Had No Fear

I know of a story of a young and overly-slim tree. Everyday as I walk to the MRT station on my way to school or when I come back from school, I see a young tree. The trunk as thin as a bamboo pole that you and I will use to hang our laundry. I first saw it somewhere in February this year. It caught my attention because it was just weird to see a long bamboo pole-like thingy grow out from an empty grass patch. I figured that one of the seeds from the huge trees in the area probably was the reason for this.

It started from a small seedling with reddish leaves and by mid-February it was just a stick with green leaves. I would always look out for this seedling on my way to school and on my way back from school. In a way, I really liked the color green and also because I had always had an affinity for plants. So no matter how I had 'No time no choice' I would always take a moment to observe her growth and have inspiring thoughts like imagining how such huge and thick trees could come from such tiny miracles. Is it not fascinating that a bamboo pole can grow to be as thick as the tall trees outside our HDBs?

But as we all remember, February was the period when there were heavy rains and strong winds. Somewhere in late February... IT happened. A bad storm had made its way to town the night before. I remembered waking up to white flashes in the middle of the night and hiding under the covers of my blanket for the thunders to pass. On my way to school, I saw that the young tree had been entirely uprooted and was lying horizontally against the grass field. It was heavy on my mind because I was wondering if I should erect the tree again. I figured I might do that on my way back from school instead. But I never did... For days and then weeks... I kept wondering if I should have helped it. But I didn't of course... even until today... the tree remains lying horizontally flat on the ground. But something miraculous happened! Because in March, I realized small sprouts were beginning to grow from the sides of the fallen tree. By today, despite all odds, the fallen trunk has now became... 3 small trees instead.

Why am I telling the story of a tree? A boring old tree, who has no feelings; no brains; and so ordinary. It is because as I was coming back from school today from my last examination for this semester seeing this tree reminded me of what it means to: 'try'.

For the most part, I realize that 'trying your best' is never easy. Not because of the time and commitment that you will require for the task. No doubt that will be an uphill task too. But the hard part that I am talking about is the fear that exists because of trying your best. The key lies in 'best'. Sometimes, when we try our best and yet we still are unable to accomplish our goals and targets we start to think back and wonder: maybe we have not tried our best yet. Perhaps that's true... or perhaps... just perhaps we do not want to feel the hurt (so intense) that our best was never enough and coming up with excuses will help save our own prides that if we 'put in our best we will be able to do anything!'

For days long... and semesters past... I attributed my failures in my first year in NUS to the dramas that unfolded and that was mostly true. Yet there was little excuse that I could bring myself to give when I saw my results in my year 2 semester 1. I told myself that perhaps I had not put in enough effort and that my best had yet to be uncovered and so I trudged on and put in my best for year 2 semester 2 instead: this current semester!
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And now my heart is heavy... So very heavy it is... Even before exams end I was starting to get nightmares and sleepless nights just wondering if my best was not enough. That maybe I needed to see the truth and see my own shortcomings. For right now... I really reflect and I daresay that this semester I had already given it my all and been so hardworking... Alas... is this all be in vain? Is this all that I am capable of? Such ridiculous feats and insignificant improvement?

For truly my self-confidence had eroded so gravely since my coming into university. Though I may not show it and I give the World my brightest smile... I wonder how much longer I can last... Because on 2 June... when I look at the results and see my own reflection... I may just realize... my best is mediocre at best~ I'm not special... Just trying to be but perhaps never will be...

The tree that grew despite the odds had no fear. All it knew was that it did not want to die. Such tenacity that I applauded. The will to live is strong even in one small plant. I figured it had no fear of failure... because in the tree's world there was only succeed and live or fail and wither away... If only I could be that tree... so fearless and calm and so tenacious and admirable... A tower of strength I see on my way to school and back every day

A function of module performance

I was just randomly musing about what actually contributes to that 'A', 'B' or even 'C' grades that we got from each module. Could there be a factors that go into giving us certain outcomes? Because knowing so may help us to bring our CAP up and get better grades! And alas, I procrastinated for a good hour or so and came up with this in-no-way mathematical hypothesis of the factors that make up the grade performance function, F:

F(performance) = 0.1*Hardwork + 0.2*Resource utilization + 0.1*Attitude + 0.3*Perception of strengths and weaknesses + 0.2*Intelligence + 0.1*Deviation

I touch on each in turn:

Intelligence (20%):
Whether we like it or not, all academical pursuits or tests or whatsoever require thinking and wit. Therefore, when it goes down to solving that challenging question set in the final exam paper it really depends on the individuals' ability to recall information and knowledge, process the question and then combine the two prior processes to give an intelligent answer. Needless to say, the entire framework of thinking involves intelligence. And cruelly, we aren't all as smart as some others are =( There are real beasts out there!! On the bright side, I feel intelligence is only worth a 20% weight because there are other factors which I feel matters as well.

Resource utilization (20%):
What separates an efficient person and a slacker is not whether he/ she is more intelligent or not. The importance of resource utilization becomes paramount because we all have access to the same resources! Take for instance, some exams allow students to bring in an A4 sized cheat sheet. We all have the same resource of which to help us in the exam but the difference appears with regard to what we choose to put inside. (or in some cases the size of your handwriting and hence the amount of info you can squeeze in) Not only to cheat sheets but also the entire school and faculty staff. Everyone paid the same school fees and hence have equal privileges to seek professor tutor guidance. Failing to do so is called: Under-utilization of resources and hence a source of inefficiency!

Hardwork (10%):
Yes, of course this is probably the oldest answer in the book! In a country of semi-democracy, social studies have long imparted to us the meritocratic nature of success and how hardwork and the pursuit for diligence guarantee us a bright future. Not to mention hardwork has always been a valued trait of Asian societies; deferred gratification and a willing to sacrifice. As much as some of us hate this or do not believe in this, the amount of effort we put into studying does help us improve our performance in exams. The only question is how much? It will be naive to assert that putting in 20% of effort will give a 20% improvement. More often than not we experience something called 'diminishing returns', whereby after putting in a certain amount of hardwork, we come to realize that putting in more effort leads to lesser and lesser improvement. Because of this diminishing returns factor, hardwork can thus only bring us this far. Sad but true. However, for those who feel they lack the intelligence like myself =) Having hardwork can help to overcome some distance between a smart person and yourself.

Attitude (10%):
Face it, we all love what we love but hate what we hate. I can easily remember all 649 pokemon now in the pokemon universe and even vividly remember the exciting points in age old drama serials. Yet when it comes down to things such as operations management concepts and accountancy standards that I learned a year ago, things are just foggy at best! There is power when you like certain things because it produces in you a positive outlook and a natural enthusiasm (call it passion if you like). Business analytics 2 for example, is one of the most hated modules in business school. Initially, I hated it so much!! Like really. But I come to realize how useful it is and how I can apply it to other modules and suddenly the module becomes so much easier for me. It is a miracle! For other modules, I may hate the subject but I fell in love with the tutors and professors who have inspired me. That helps in attitude too =)

Optimizing strengths and weaknesses (30%):
Each and everyone of us is unique. We all have different sets of strengths and weaknesses which are sometimes determined by our upbringings or personalities. When I say optimizing strengths and weaknesses I mean making the correct decisions that help to focus your strengths and help overcome your weaknesses. Ways we can do this is... Mapping overseas the modules that you feel you cannot do well (that in itself is smart move because you have evaluated your strength and weakness and feel that it will be wiser to do this elsewhere where the module will harm your CAP less). It could also relate to how you choose to spend your study break/ week. Some people have the awareness of their own capacity to memorize things. For myself, I cannot study more than 6 hours a day because I know anything beyond that will be useless. I mean I can study but the thing is everything (including those studied in the 6 hours prior) will be a blank the next day I wake up. This is an example of weakness and I have no choice but to limit studying per day and watch TV and play games instead. Not because I want to slack but because I am optimizing my weakness. The strength comes because, if I were to study only 6 hours a day I can remember everything almost perfectly the next day and this is a compounded effect. Therefore, I know I seem to play a lot all the time. But it is all because I know my own strengths and weaknesses well. Oh and I also DON'T study 12 hours prior to an exam. I feel it makes me too nervous haha

Deviation (10%):
As to all things in life, nothing is certain. Our expectations rarely, if not never coincide with reality. Things always deviate: for the lucky ones they become unexpected miracles; but for the most of the people it leads to disappointments. There are so many additive reasons for why deviations occur. It could be a carelessness during the heat of the moment; an epiphany from god; a tumourous cell building up in your brain that you were not yet aware of. It could be anything! Because of these additive reasons things always turn out differently (small or big). Perhaps we could call this 10% unexplainable 'luck'

That's all I think account for performance for a module or your exams. Of course you might disagree with me but this is what matters in my opinion =) And sadly, even knowing all the factors there really ain't much we can do about certain factors. But I hope it allows you to see something you didn't realize before and that it may hence help you improve your grades. (as much as I want to bring up mine sobs*)

Just remember:
IN UNIVERSITY GRADES AND PERFORMANCE IS A ZERO SUM GAME...
Where there are winners there will be losers, so better always be on the edge or you may just be pushed out of position and end up being a loser in this game.

Pinpoint strikes

Sometimes we feel uncomfortable because the people around us seem to be doing things differently from us. Just like during the mugging period when we see people study day/ night and do many crazy things, that it drives us crazy and makes us doubt ourselves and ask ourselves if we were doing it enough or doing it right. It gets a little frustrating sometimes having these doubts and feeling so afraid... I mean... yes... I am afraid that I am doing things wrong; afraid I will be getting bad grades; afraid that I will see failure yet again.

I've seen my share of Cs in my university life. At first I couldn't believe it, partly because of my pride: back when I used to see have the A grade come so easily. But things are different now and I come to realize that hard work is important!

I used to feel insulted when people said I worked very hard (I have to be honest). That was because I felt that people thought I have no substance/ talent and only relied on being a closet mugger of sorts. But I realize how foolish I was, because I am proud to be hardworking =). Just this semester, someone I met for the first time said I was the 'most hardworking person' she ever met haha. Ironically, I never used to be hardworking and only really started last to this semester.

There is no shame to say that I am weak. In fact I want to say that I really ain't very good at school at all. I have not seen an A grade whatsoever in my entire 2 years in NUS. But that doesn't mean I just roll over and die or give up trying. I can't match up to the raw talents and abilities of those around me (and truly they are impressive and so multi-talented that goes beyond mere academics); but I will try to close this gap in my own way and with my own diligence and understanding of myself. That in itself is what it truly means to FEEL ALIVE for me...

We are all fundamentally different, and that means we have different strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, no one way of doing things works for everyone and I have to maintain the strength of my will to resist doubting my own methods. Truth be told, I think people will be shocked at how slack I am for preparing for my final exams... but to myself:

The key to me is and always will be: Minimum effort maximum output... Because I know my own capacity and am patient about progress. Hard work and true effort that will never lose to anyone will come only at the right moment; pinpoint strikes I call it that will help make this semester REDEMPTION from my past failures... Determined as ever!

Four Seasons

All is new as a new dawn breaks - wildflowers abloom like the fireworks on a dark and barren night. The first sun beams that break across that land, much like a sweep of gold as a result of one such delicate Midas touch. The harsh frosts melt and a new era flourishes - such a beautiful sight to see; as pretty as a painting. Even the strictest winter's footprints dissolve to provide the crystalline streams that irrigate the plains restoring precious life to a field that saw only despair - a "dream field" of a slumbering child~

With every step there is a song of wonders to be and will become. The scent of happiness that wafts in the air and brings such delight and excitement to a stone-cold heart that refused to shine. Spring was a miracle: spring is a miracle. Spring was the hope that awoken the sleepy and gave rejuvenation to one so dying... So let it be...

Then there's summer - the season of love and passion so warm it sunburns. The shrilling songs of the cicadas that signals the arrival of this season. So bright and irritating but so distinct and familiar. The cacophony of sounds that brings the summer fever to the dating couples in the parks of the evenings - strolling so gently but so romantically (your hand in mine - my hand in yours)... As we walk, as we walk, as we walk all night...

The sun's so merciless, bringing scorching heat to anyone in his path. The hearts that sweat in the blistering heat, the heat that ignites the passion of the soul... the heat and sound of a couple making love in the bushes of a hot and sweltering night - made mystified by the fireflies that swarm the gardens like shooting stars and twinkling little fairy lights. Summer was the heat that scorched the heart and numbed the senses - it brought great addiction and satisfaction to one who awoke from a beautiful spring... so hot it was; so intense it became... it was the heat that one could never forget but savour.

But all good things always comes to an end - because with the peak comes the fall and with dawn comes dusk... What comes from the earth dies and goes back into the earth as ashes: ashes we were and ashes we become indeed... The emerald lush can bear their vibrancy no longer. Subjected to the turn of the seasons to shed their beautiful coats and succumb to an ocean of red and barren branches.

So as we sit on a creaking swing and watch the sunset in the west, do we remember the times when the scenery around us was so much different? When the wind was not so empty and quiet and when the land once seemed so brimming with life-everlasting. The night seemed longer even though it was always the same - just the longing grew deeper, weaving itself insidiously into the depths of our hearts.

I'm sipping on a cup of freshly brewed tea... reminiscing a memory that I could not safe and cherishing the remains of an ember that I felt was soon to be extinguished. In autumn we remember and in autumn we learn to cherish what we once had and now do not. In dusk we long for dawn and with every dawn we appreciate each and every single day even as the winds got harsher (bringing with it the howling cold) and the trees provided less and less cover with each passing day... Autumn will be the final leap ~

Alas... there is only silence. Even in the mid of day and the deep of night there is only nothing but dead silence. It became so cold suddenly and so quickly that my heart froze and so did my blood. Even nightly tears crystallize and those wet eyes become so dry. So sleepy... so sleepy...

Always hoping but never really believing... that after this season there will come another spring... that in this season the winter hibernation will be the last; or simply because a cycle is too torturous for one whose heart is so tender and wounded...

I don't know if I'll wake up anymore... if the sun will ever come or if I'll live through the night... I only know it's cold and I take comfort hiding under a blanket beneath my bed. The only refuge from the elements and the only mask from all the lies~

Winter is the ultimatum of life... the ultimatum deciding between if I died inside or not...