It's been a real long time since I blogged. Perhaps I always wanted to post something up, yet just simply too lazy to do so; perhaps some things cannot be written down in words. Alas, a lot of things had happened over my blog's long hiatus. Some pleasant while others not as much. But all this is life, just as a friend of mine told me: Life is fair because it is unfair to everyone in it.
I have no idea where to start saying about what has or has not happened. But I know right now, I'm on a mad quest to find myself =X As if losing oneself was ever that easy, let alone the journey to recover it back. I am confused, lost and dazed. There are secrets which I withheld from others, even those dearest to me. There are so many instances when I really just want to talk to someone all about it, but I am just so afraid that people will look at me differently and probably hate me for it. I don't want people to judge me... though the things I did probably deserved to be judged and I ought to ask myself why the hell I even started these things in the first place.
I don't know what is going on in my head anymore. I am distracted my thoughts of people I feared I would. I fear every single day and second whether the previous episode of obsession might surface again. I mean I care... I care about whatever happens next, and I pray to god hoping god would hear... To deliver me from this contrition, and cure me from my ailments. I hope there is someone out there who after listening to my past and all will not judge me as I envision people would. That will give me another chance at living... then at least life might be that much more worth living for.
Right now... I have no single person that I feel comfortable to say these things to. Because I fear of what people would do and say when they hear my story. A story of how people's hearts hold many dark crevices and a tale of someone who struggles to find himself and who fights to retain what he believes in. It is all afterall, an effort to blend into society and to gain acceptance and support.
I am so tired having to think about things all the time. It takes up so much of my energy. Call it a fantasy if you would... All that fantasy just drains u of all your spirit and everything. Like a drug perhaps that is so dangerously addictive yet menancingly fearsome and wrong...
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