Blanked...

I know I should be busy studying away now... ... In fact this is my second post in one day... Just feel so blank and down... Like I am trapped in some dark brooding depression... Can't seem to focus on homework because my attention span seems miraculously short-lived... Feel like doing nothing and just thinking... and thinking... and thinking... ... Thinking about nothing... ...

Feel kinda bitter inside... A mild prick perhaps and a gapping hole somehow... Things seem bleak now... maybe life is bleak too... ... Can't seem to find back something I lost... Can't seem to see ahead and see a nice future... only a cold and dark future... ... Dark clouds are gathering over me specifically... I seem to be a magnet for disaster...

Feel like talking and venting... yet I'm so tired to repeat every single thing... when I have been repeating it to myself... for the dunno how many tens of times... seriously can someone truely really understand what is this I am feeling? Is this all in the mind and self-made? I dunno... but feelings are true... at least it is real for me...

What the hell is wrong you know? It's just so dark... and everyone is so busy with stuffs... and I dun blame them... but wallowing in the sadness and loneliness alone... i feel so depressed... As days pass I doubt my own worth everyday... if truely I am a valuable asset to this world or just redundant as in... worthless... to anyone...

You know the saddest part of it all... ... or maybe the saddest plight anyone can ever end up is when... when no one in this world including yourself dun make u feel valuable. And to add it all up... ... feelings of non-belonging creeps up my soul again... and I am dashed at the very fact... I feel I have no family members anymore...

How much one's worth.... is not how much one can bring to the future... it is how much people around you make you feel that value... ... And I feel worthless... ... =((

I wonder... if I am gone one day... will anyone truely feel something important lost? T.T

I Just Need To Vent Because No One Is Around Now

Why are you sad again... ? =( I thought you expected it didn't you? Or was it you just bluffed yourself that you didn't know? T.T Why do you wanna cry? I thought you said... you wouldn't anymore? What is it you really hurt about? Tell me yea? =X Don't just feel so sad... ... it's so unhealthy you know... ... Do you really care so much... ... that it really hurts you this much...? =((

Just you know... ... It's no fair place for comparison... so dun always take it so personally... and blame yourself over everything... You're not superman... I know... it really sucks... when you are feeling so worthless... and you feel the whole world... dun value you anymore... I mean yea... the world is so big... what makes you so special? Yet to you you know... you are your own world... and always rememeber that... ... the most important person in the world to you is always yourself... ... =((( So dun feel so dejected... ...

What's your worth? A piece of gold or some piece of shit? Why do I feel... ... like I have not much worth... Overestimated myself... ...

Zhao Mian who do you think you are? When you see yourself so unhappy and depressed and always say this line: I really am happy for them... just I am sad for myself... =(( Dun be sad... ... though as I tell you dun be... my heart hurts so bad too... because I am you... ... ... ... Dun be so sad... for yourself... please... ... ... ...

Just as I see every parting moment... ... And go off alone... plus I try so hard... to gain acceptance and to fulfill a promise probably only I remember... My heart breaks in all directions... And cry my pillow wet all just feeling sad for... myself... ...

Why am I so worthless? I really wish... ... ... ... ... ...

I was more worthy... ... =(((

Rendezvous Dazed

Been seeing so many love stories recently this year... Comments: It's hard to believe people you know can get dunked into the river of love or get shot by cupid's arrow when it sort of never occurs to u... I mean friends joke around you know... about love and stuff... But it's always jokes... and all and plain old teasing of course... But when you realise things are more serious now... Just kind of taken aback and a bit hesitant... but of course happy for the new couples... Takes time to accept changes in your life I guess...

I wonder... If BGRs do us any good... or even this multi-dictionary-meaning of 'love'... If there was just this science fiction world where people were all just pure friends and all... I wonder if the world would be a better place? o.O But how would people reproduce then? asexually I suppose... LOL.

Kinda disgusted by BGRs and love after somewhat some experiences and things I see around me... I just feel when people are in love... Change seems inevitable... But to be in a relationship one day and look into a mirror and see myself from now... I wonder... If I could embrace such change with an open mind and of course an open heart... I really dunno >.<

But as much down in luck I am in love... I wish every couple or budding relationship be happy yea... As much mindless zombies of love sick people become... I see them exude a burst of new happiness I have never seen before... Dun think so much yea? I guess people who change are happy? =X

I accept it... as much as I am disgusted... at least people are happy and I see my friends so glad... Maybe love's not such a bad thing afterall... If not for it... I guess... I won't even be in this world now despising it... lol

For now... no BGRs for me... Just holding out my hand for that someone to hold back one day... Waiting and wishing everytime I see u... that will today be the day?

I promised since long ago... no matter what... or how tired my hand is I will extend it for you... Just waiting for you to extend yours one day... ... I wait... and wish it was today everyday...

Hang Over

In the midst of it all I can't believe I still have the time to blog... Ask me what's wrong? Frankly I have no clue... Just feel so heavy everyday like some dark cloud constantly looms over me... Wish I could talk to someone... But so tired of repeating everything all over again... I rather stay mute to myself... Feels like I am a madman in other people's eyes... Yet... now i rather choose to be a mute in people's eyes... ...

Those moments in school when I just suddenly feel this overwhelming state of blankness or periods when I just wanna emo and dun speak at all... I wonder... what's up? A chill wind blows... and I shiver... constantly reminded of the pain of losing what once was close... and now facing one other gaining what's lost... I can't do anything you know... =(

sadly I can't... but only bear mute witness... ... I wonder if in the silence of me.... You'll notice me fading into the background or the rain pouring just over my head... Feel blank and somehow when I thought I was lonely... as days pass by I feel even more lonely... Dun wanna talk to anyone about this anymore... Won't spread anything too... as promised... Feel like I'm drifitng... Drifitng till I can finally land firm... A wind blown seed searching for fertile soil to bear roots... Because truth is... for some reason dun feel like I belong to anywhere anymore... just feel like going into solitude for awhile... ... Just wanna be all alone and emo during breaktimes... because I feel so blank and thoughts fly past so fast I dun even remember what i thinking afterward...

Feel like dissociating from my life and the people for awhile... Because I feel like being alone and gloomy... Don't wanna spread it anyways... =( So i rather I am the one to isolate myself... Perhaps being alone will do me some good too... Maybe I am a life wrecker... Feel so tired everyday in the heart... But alas one thing that makes me hang on so convicted... I give up... don't wanna act hero anymore... at least for now... I just want a peaceful and plain quiet life...

I give up voicing because... No one cares and trusts... I wanna talk but I am so tired of repetition... I wanna be a mute... Searching for a matter to stopper that bleeding heart and gapping wound... ... Wallowing in the moonlight...

Anecdotes

Days of stories past... days of present linger... days of future imploration... Inspiration for indecision... I wish upon a wishing star... Far far away in the cosmos... If I could have my little wish granted and I would be grateful... When anger dissolves and denial stockpiles... I stare at life with a frost glazed eye. I wonder... of everyone... I wonder to myself... if sometimes some ridiculous tale will make adherents of realism believe... and accept...

I feel alone... and lonely... Cold as ice in ink black space... Gravitating from planet to planets... I wonder... when is it I will finally land on a place for me to stay... If only in this time of darkened emotions and ever-solemn mindset... I find someone to reach out and pour out this wish... If only friends will believe my tall tales... if only truths were not so inconvenient...

I see change in people I know... And I feel so distant... That how old times i reminisce... And appreciate the existence... to only see morphism in the face of new chapters in life... Trudging on on the path to life and its mysteries... My back getting heavier... My eyes much drier... Perhaps a foresight not so far...? A heart with stiches, glitches and fissures... I see the pain within my soul... I hate the change I see... Yet see the old in change and hold on... Because... as much as things changed and feelings gained and lost... Somehow... my convictions never changed... maybe wavered but never forgotten...

I try with might as tiny as nebula... To forge a genesis and to forgo the past... I yearn to convince the bulk of golden friendships... yet fearing the redress of the innocence of one so eye nailed... But with the littlest hope... I pray with every nebula and million nebulae... a glittering star will form... With debris apart and anecdotes told... perhaps by chance a glimmering hope...

I can't do much... thought slight translation... A quiver in the heart and a bandaged heart...

If only... someone will believe me... because I really tell the truth of what I see... =(((

EXTREMELY ANGRY (ARGHHH!!!)

Warning... this is going to be a super duper angry, annoyed, vexed, frustrated, fiert, offensive, negative, explosive, attacking, and SUPER SARCASTIC post... ...

GOSH!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I Was THE VICTIM U KNOW!!! The victim... Feel so damn ^&%#&#@ NOW!!! GOing to use so many languages that are so coarse I never EVER use them until THINGS like this are just a serious SUPER duper PAIN in tHE ASSHOLE!!! I mean TALK ABOUT HYPOCRITES!!! WHen u thought perhaps u KNOW that u are a person of masks so dun expect ppl to be such an OPEN BOOK!!! But REALLY LA!!! WHAT IS THIS!!! FOOLED ME FROM THE START!!!

And U NEED NOT EVEN raise a single finger and EVERY thing GOES YOUR WAY LA... Fucking FAIRNESS!!! WHERE's The justice SIA!!! GOD if u existed!!! U bloody MIA sia!!! See me GET TRICK ALSO NEVER GIVE ME A HINT!!! I NEVER EXPECTED THIS!!! I NEVER... SO MUCH EVIL THOUGHTS in my mind that i wanna employ for ULTIMATE VENGEANCE!!!! But I tell myself I WON"T WILL NOT EVER GO TO THAT LOW LEVEL and plot and scheme u know... AT LEAST i know the meaning of KNOW THE LIMITS!!!!

GEESSSHHHH!!! U KNOW THAT I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED... That All these years of my ENTIRE LIFE... I never doubted people so much and WHAT U DO NOW... THANKS VERY MUCH AH!!! THANKS AH (SUPER SARCASTIC HERE SUPER DUPER FREAKIN SARCASTIC FYI) for teaching me this valuable lesson THAT PEOPLE OF YOUR CALIBRE I WILL SHUN FAR FAR AWAY... U know what I CANNOT STAND THE MOST? THat is that NO ONE U KNOW!!! NO ONE WILL EVER BE BELIEVE ME!!!!

Becuz I am always the bad guy! I am the outspoken one who picks on people... YET WHY ONLY I SEE THOSE THINGS HAPPENING!!!!? WHY ONLY ME!!! If I had some SOLID EVIDENCE I WILL SHOW IT TO THE world SO PEOPLE WILL FINALLY FUCKING BELIEVE ME!!! Wah u go Hollywood la... I surrender becuz I can never win u... with your superb acting... INFACT SO good that until now I tell ppl PPL ALSO HARDLY TAKE A WORD I SAY... Becuz people just think I am OUT TO GET U!!!

U STOLE FROM ME!!! U STOLE something I PUT IN SO MUCH EFFORT U KNOW!!!? U KNOW OR NOT? K N O W KNOW!!! KNOW!!! KNOW!!? What is effort it is to sacrfice EVERYTHING U know even your future and all your time and money even ALL GO DOWN TO MY FIRST TIME EFFORT!!! YEt nothing compares to your doing nothing sia... NOTHING AT ALL... FUCK LA GOD!!! FUCK LA MY LIFE... WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS peice of CRAP and dump in front of me... Go die la... I can't do anything... CURSE U ALSO CANNOT... CURSE U SO WHAT? REVENGE SO WHAT? IT's HAPPENED...

BUT U KNOW WHAT IS THE SINGLE thing I HATE the most... IT IS THAT NO ONE BELIEVES ME and think I am the hypocrite... YES YES i DID SOME MISTAKES SOMETIMES.... AND probably portrayed MYSELF THAT WAY... BUT... PLZ LA I BEG EVERYONE PLZ LA T.T BELIEVE ME SIA... I admit I dun even know I am going berserk or not... BUt I KNOW I FEEL SO VICTIMISED and I WANNA TELL THE WHOLE WORLD... JUST DOES THE WORLD BELIEVE ME OR NOT?

Ms HUANG was like saying... u know... that... someone wrote in essay... once bitten twice shy... but what if once bitten U DIE!!! I DIE LIAO LA... KILLED BY U U SILENT KILLER... GO DIE BACKSTABBING HYPOCRITICAL FUCKING BITCH SLUT ASSHOLE!!! Worst thing was I die liao I DUN EVEN KNOW!!! I am a ghost now... who just realised I was killed... And now i wanna find MY OWN BODY!!! But its all too late my body decomposed liao... I am a ghost and no ONE CAN HEAR ME!!!! HEAR ME SCREAM REDRESS!!!

Plz la... I HATE U SO MUCH NOW... I wanna strangle u to death if IT WAS LEGAL... YET ITS ILLEGAL SO CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY... I dun believe u will go unnoticed... sooner or later someone will see u as i see u too... THEN ppl will know I AM NOT LYING... If heavean does have a fucking eye or something heavean will watch u and make sure u get your just desserts!!!! SWEET SOUR TANGY DESSERT!!! U dark and ominous being... YOUR HOLLOW SOUL DROWNS IN YOUR SINS... NOW U FEEL WHAT DEATH IS LIKE!!! I CONDEMN U!!!! FOR ETERNITY IN MY HEART... I CONDEMN U!!!!!

I hate u with a fire red... an ICY blue... an ENVIOUS green and an OUTRAGEOUS ORANGE!!! WHY SIA... WHY U WANNA STEAL... IF I NEVER GAVE U THE OPPORTUNITY and opened the door the wolf also cannot come in... YEA I KNOW I AM STUPID AND DUMB... BUT NEXT TIME... NO MORE!!!! I HATE U!!!! I HATE U TO THE VERY CORE... BUT U KNOW WHAT? TWo can play the acting game... I will not tell u HOW MUCH I HATE U IN REAL LIFE... I Will still ACT like NOTHING HAS HAPPENED... SO that i can be close enough to u to see your DOWNFALL one day and have the FINAL LAUGH!!!

won't anyone... plz believe me? plz... =(((

Just Feel So...

I wonder... with a mind so deep in thought... As I listen to a song that brings wrinkles to the heart... As I hear and see everything around me... And the feelings I feel everyday... ... I wonder... with a mind so blank... As I think of what I am writing now... Look out of the window and see the sky... ... I wonder... if someone up there can hear me... ... I wonder... if.... if... the wind will convey you my message because I miss you... But my mum says when someone goes away they will never come back... ... They will be some place you will never find them until... one day its time for you to go there... ...

I wonder... ... with a lonely and inquisitive heart... as I worry of tommorow like there's no the day after... If I will ever find someone who will remind me as much as you do... ... I grew up while you were 'away'... no longer the spoilt kid from last time... I told you... I would be successful one day... but you said... I'll never with a smile... I know you were joking... because... you believed me more than I believed in myself... ...

Those times when I was just a little boy... we always played together... and everytime you will bring me new stuff to play... I miss those days... ... Yet... no one seems to talk about you anymore... as I am guilty... No one talks about you anymore... I wonder... if you can see me get all those As in my exams just as you believed I would one day... ... I have great friends... And I love them just as you showed me friends are more than family sometimes... ...

I wonder... If you feel lonely... And if you still remember me? I await that day when I'll visit you someday when I grow old... and tell you all the stories I cumulated so long... I bet you can't wait for me to tell you all about it... We can take the whole of our next lives and I'll tell you... ... I promise... Sister has grown to be more like a woman now... though kinda find her irritating... ...

Dandelions will bring wishes yea? I blow and hang on and see those white fluffy stuff go to the sky I make so many wishes... Now... hey... life is dull and sad... But I guess what makes me so special yea? Because as I see things happen around me I kinda take it all to heart... And ask myself... what I done wrong? Now... just wanna help someone... If you would just allow me please? Wanna offer some aid... becuz I wanna do it more than I would myself... Each day as I slip further and further from what i was holding on... ... My heart trembles... ...

I know we will meet one day... ... Sis seems to have forgotten about you and accepted someone else... But I won't yea... ... I listen to what you said... Plucked a dandelion ( though I am not sure if what i plucked was one...) and blew hard into it until every last white thing has blown out... You said it will make wishes come true... And I wish... ... I can render my help to someone I love...

A subtle wind blows and things get blown away... But always... always... always... ... hang on when you are about to slip... ... can you hear me? =(