Iron Will

I woke up today feeling weaker than I ever felt. Yet I still popped in those metabolism pills and put on my swimming attire. As fatigued and dizzy as I felt I had to drag on. It amazes me sometimes how much the human body can accomplish. I asked myself where on earth am I getting all this energy to study and to continue exercising so vigorously when I don't even eat anymore. I suppose the power of feelings really is the greatest motivator that this World has to offer.

In the face of food I refute even when my mind and my body aches for them. The harder it gets the stronger I want to do this. Everyone needs to be fat once in their life time to truly empathize why I have to feel so strongly about certain things.

With each stroke I made in that cold swimming pool in the early morning I told myself my body couldn't take this anymore. But I still persevered on and repeated the names of all the things that mattered to me. There was one point when I thought I would simply just stop and drown in the middle of the swimming pool but I didn't... even if I slowed down dramatically and saw people beside me overtake me I refused to give in to fainting or resting... Alas I accomplished the 40 laps sustained not by any energy food provides but simply because of my iron will and unyielding determination to make a difference for once...

Wobbly as my feet are now... and as dizzy as I feel... NOTHING will stop me. I can faint and be put on an IV drip... But rest assured I will pluck it right off... because I don't care what happens to me anymore. So BODY... LISTEN TO MY WILL AND MY HEART and SUPPORT ME; SUPPORT MYSELF and do NOT FALL... Let us align our goals body and mind and heart... because in every vision I close my eyes I only see a future that I dreamed... 

By The Power of Super Glue Can I?

Been on a hiatus for quite some time because I suddenly felt that going public is not always a good idea. Sometimes I wonder why people want to blog about stuff. I asked myself why is it that I want to blog about stuff? I suppose if it was something to do with venting then I might as well get a personal diary instead of sharing it openly. So I guess the real reason why I blog is because I feel very strongly about something and wish that someone else reading this somewhere sometime upon reading this can empathize and feel the way that I do too... Nothing complex really~

So many things had happened since I last penned down my thoughts here. It feels as though I can write volumes but I shall resist that and instead talk more about what is happening now. I think many a times, we face challenges in life. I don't know whether it is emotional, financial, relationship or anything else for that matter. But point is... they hurt. I dare not ever claim that I feel a lot of pain when somewhere out there right now is probably feeling some different kind of pain and mine probably pales in comparison.

So I had my moments. I cried a good hour or so when I was evicted and told to pack my bags and be imposed a 'restraining' order. Initially I was so angry at the ridiculous rules that I were given. But then I suppose... I couldn't do anything about it. Bad things happen due to our own folly sometimes and I have to take up the consequences since I was ready to commit the folly to begin with. Life will be different from now on. But then no one ever said different is always bad. No one also ever said that life would be easy.

But what can I do except to continue to live this life. Trying to find some purpose. I felt that I destroyed my own life just like a piece of glass thrown on the floor and broken into pieces. Right now... all I want to do is try to glue those pieces back together. Is the desire to restore what once was really so much to laugh? But of course... I know full well that even after I had finished piecing all these shards together the lines an cracks will forever follow me and be embedded in the minds and hearts of those around me.

I feel broken and I feel imperfect. But I suppose I shouldn't be afraid to say this out loud because I suppose everyone around me feels that way too. Just because people appear happy doesn't mean that their lives are any better just that they choose to be happy even when they are sad. I wonder if I am speaking sense right now. But I remember an angry friend who told me before that people can be sad and happy at the same time.

Even if life throws me the worst things and imposes on me the worst rules; Even if my paranoia is true and everyone around me actually secretly is irritated and annoyed at me... There is and never will be anything I can do except to use my own healthy pair of hands and legs and crawl up. Limp if I have to or worm on the floor if my legs hurt so badly... But continue to move forward hoping that I will find people who will accept me even as I am trying to accept myself...

And there is one more hurt left that still pains me... But I could do nothing about it but feel it. But then even though it hurts enough to make me want to cry. I will not... Because... I know that being hurt doesn't deprive me the right to smile. Because even the gloomiest person deserves a taste of rainbow. 

Will my 'undying love' - a blessing and a curse... really be but a distant dream... With time... and the magic of healing... will you hence go away? Because you are my motivation for so many things I suddenly realize how foolish I was in the past to not realize earlier... so that at least today we could still be...

Beached

There are just questions that we cannot find answers for; there are just answers that we can never seem to reconcile with... Even though such questions bother us from time to time... we still continue to move on with this uncertainty or perhaps a certainty that some things are always meant to be certain. I live in a world of black and white... Because I can never understand how someone can live with something not quite here and there... To me everything is just either black or white. Does this mean that I'm simple? Perhaps too naive and stubborn to change my ways and grow up to be an adult who can deal with the shades and hues of grey.

Yet I talk to my little bear bear every night. As I lay myself to sleep each time, I talk to him because at the back of my head I doubt the existence of god and so find no reason to even pray to him when it might just be as well that I talked to myself. I refuse to believe in something that is neither black nor white. And god is one of those grey areas... I'll never be able to survive without the evidence to prove to me that god is real. Or at least the fact the the religion in itself offers the 'truth'.

Even as we trudge through each and every single day. I find that I've long thrown away my sword and my shield. I stand bare bodied and empty handed as I face the battlefield. A decent amount of time had lapsed and I find myself learning and changing each and every day. I wonder if a lot of things on mind are actually known by those around me. There were so many times when I really really wanted to spill some of my feelings but decided that nobody really liked that so I kept it to myself. Ultimately... I know what I am feeling and I know what I should do. I need no one to affirm my actions and most importantly I do not need anyone to affirm how I feel or ought to feel.

Someone asked me if what I am feeling is warranted? I asked myself this question for a few days already and I have not yet come to a conclusion. But all I ever know and all I really feel is... a strong believe and a hope that glimmers like a diamond in the coal pile. Even though it still hurts from time to time and most of the time I'm actually covering my wounds with my hands that are unseen... I move on hoping the next day will be better. Also patting myself at the back before I sleep each time... "don't give up mian... because it is important".

Will resentment be ever so prominent that goes unwavering~ To guard against someone...  

It may never ever mean anything even if I tried and left myself vulnerable to be destroyed and crushed. But at least if I go down... I will go down knowing... and showing that my sincerity is purer than anything else as much as it is the way I cherish~

The Ugly Duckling

We all have our own ugly duckling story sometime in our lives. Well at least I daresay that that is true for most of the people. We had a hard time breaking out of our shells when we were all very young. It is every farmer's knowledge that you cannot help a hatchling get out of it's shell because if you do the duckling will not be able to get used to the temperature outside and the atmosphere so suddenly and hence there will be a high risk of death. It is because of that that they have to make their way through their egg shells slowly but so tenaciously... slowly clawing and delicately pecking at the cracks and forcing their tiny warm bodies out of the cracks.

We all did the same as we grew up. Always trying hard in the initial stages to break out of our own shells and to lower our walls so that the people around us could get close to us. The distance of the heart between people gradually lessen and we started to discover ourselves through the people that we held dear and taught us how to be the people of society... It was no easy task to discover who we were... but as we slowly came out of our shells... It was like a duckling that pushed and pushed to emerge into the world~~ crack... crack... crack...

When we emerged and had our fundamental identities we then realized how different we were from others out there. We sometimes wished we could be more like others just so that we could fit in and be part of a group or family or clique... then at least we wouldn't had felt so left out... At least when we were sad there will be people around us to affirm our feelings and lend their supporting shoulders just to have a good cry. It was never really about seeking a solution or about seeking help - It was about finding a firm and unwavering shoulder that stems from loyalty and dependability that one can have on someone just to have a good cry and feel better afterward.

Like the ugly duckling I found myself lost in this world of myriad colours. While those of a colour flock together... I see a rainbow streaming behind them and a vibrancy that seemed to be inadequate if I added my own colour to that which was already so beautiful and perfect. But I watched from a distance always just admiring the beauty of it... wondering if one day I too could find a place where I could feel perfectly safe and no more left out... 

In the story of the ugly duckling the ugly duckling was loved by no one else but his mother. Even though he looked so ugly his mother stilled loved him very very much. When people started talking bad of him, his mother helped to defend him with all her heart. But the ugly duckling couldn't take it anymore... and so he ran away one autumn day because he just didn't feel like he belonged and because he did not want his mother to be having such a hard time because of him...

I sought refuge from place to place, hoping to find a place of my own... ...

Through the cold winter I ask myself if I could ever turn out like the ugly duckling in the story... That one fine day... when the night is the darkest and the coldest that I'll wake up to find myself a swan~ and finally have a place to belong... ...

I don't want to feel left out anymore~~

Confessions Of A Teenage Drama King Re-Visited

I did not regret what I had to do. The greatest testament to that will lie in the fact that if I could go back in time I would still choose to do the same thing and have the same outcome. It is not about loving to be in pain but it is about accepting the impact and feeling it without a single bit of denial and fear. Sometimes the greatest thing one can do for oneself is to have the strength to not take up the sword but instead to remove your weapons and armor and simply be open to face the consequences of one's actions and fate as we know it~

I had always been different in my approach to life as compared to the others around me. Some people call it individuality but for me that's probably not such a good thing. Too much emotional prowess without a complementary capacity to process it is an absolute recipe for disaster. Time and history has shown itself and I've been tossed and turned in the choppy seas of my own despair and negative feelings. I suppose there is always a silver lining above any dark clouds and I suppose there is. However, going to leave that to the end of this post.

I've always found myself immature because of my lack of control over my emotions. Most of the time I am just blindly driven by my strong feelings for others and the things that I wish to attain. A mature person to me would be one who is master over his or her own emotions and being able to channel those excess energies to productive work in life to enhance overall efficiency and development as a person. If I were to be sitting in an interview right now and the interviewer were to ask me what my greatest weakness is my answer would probably be...

I lost my own voice in a cacophony of noises. I always sought the help of the people around me whenever there was a little rain and soon I grew more and more comfortable relying on the people around me. Instead of developing as a person I ended up losing my own voice and getting confused of who I really am. I needed affirmation from others for my own feelings and in the decisions and actions that I made. After long, I started to grow dependent and lost my own pride and my own thinking becoming a puppet controlled by invisible puppet strings; swaying and moving to please the crowd as much as possible.

I figured out though... that there is one important thing that I had forgot during some point in my life and I need to remind myself every single day when I wake up and every time I am down and feeling lousy:

I don't need someone to affirm what I am feeling and I do not need someone to tell me what I should be feeling. I know what I am feeling and I know what I believe in. That alone is enough. Let external forces push and pull as much as they want, but my internal forces should be unaffected by these external ones. I suppose that's the greatest step one can take to become a person and not a mere homosapien. Because to be a person means a lot of things. It means to be somebody - somebody who is unique and has his own presence in this world.

I enjoyed the drama of shows and the drama of fantasies. But I need to start opening my eyes and moving forward. Of course, I need to hear my own voice and start talking to myself again. Because if I do not start understanding and loving myself then I will never be able to embrace being alone. One can be alone but not yet lonely... that's what I strive toward. I want to BE somebody... I don't want to be so weak anymore because I know if I tried I can be better than anyone I want to be better than and accomplish my tasks as well as anyone else can.

I know what I am feeling and I do not need to tell the entire world what it is for it to come to pass. I stand by my own convictions and I stand by my heart. Some things can never change. Though I still feel pain over the matter, I am savouring the pain because it is endearing and teaching me everyday that the true treasure is what which caused so much pain to begin with and hence the sweeter when it is finally overcome.

Tomorrow... will be a better day and so will the day after and the day after that... I finally believe with all my heart that...

I CAN DO THIS!

Dead Silence

I do not regret... but I suffer as a result. I for-saw this and yet I still did it anyways... I've felt hurt and pain in all possible forms that I could ever had imagined myself feeling. 4 years ago I would never have expected to see myself in my shoes today. So dejected... so empty... so lifeless... so weak... so listless... with nothing to look forward to each and every single day... 

By day I went to classes trying to tell myself that I am a strong independent individual and that things will work out in the end. I was tired of constantly letting the people around me down so I told myself that if I tried to not show how much pain I was feeling that with enough practice then perhaps I would feel less unhappy too... But it was a lie... it is a lie... at the end of the day when I go to my room and shut myself from the world I talk to my teddy bear. I told people that my teddy bear talks to me and that he writes letters but it was all a lie... I watch my noticeboard, pinned up with so many lessons I learnt only to feel heartache. For 2 days I bottled up painful emotions and for the 3rd day I erupted because it was a container that could not be filled anymore... 

I cried and prayed that if there really is a god: where is he now? Show me a sign to let me know that he can hear me; show me a sign to let me know that I have hope ahead of me... When people tell me that there is so much to look forward to I was honest I said that I could see little in the dark that I am facing now... I don't have a single motivation for anything~ I felt useless and worthless... being constantly given up again and again by the people that mattered the most... 

I wanted to cry so badly but I told myself that I wanted to contain it. But even as I said that I involuntarily walk towards the room of someone else... talked like I was fine. But hugged a friend and just couldn't help but scream: "I'm very very sad..."... And then I ran away and cried and cried... so much that my eyes could not keep up and I felt the weight of the world crushing down on me... I felt that there was no other way... 

It is to laugh that I thought putting a plastic bag around your head while you slept that you would die peacefully. But it was not... It was a totally different experience of pain that I had to go through to feel completed suffocated and gasping for air until I could not take it but remove the bag... So I cried the night away because I felt so much hurt I just did not want any more pain anymore... 

I WANTED to sleep so badly... yet I could not sleep even a wink. I hid beneath my computer desk just wishing that the night will pass soon or that I'll be tired enough to fall dead away... The world suddenly seemed to scary... Because I know that if I left my room I will see people and things that just give me even greater pain than I already have... I'm so tired... I don't want to feel anymore pain anymore...

I shouted out in my heart... and prayed that if god really exists that he'll let those that matter to me know that I am dying or maybe just dead inside... like a drowning kid shouting for help for a hand to lift up from the waters below...

I lost my voice overnight, I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel dizzy and my neck and shoulders ache like crazy... there was no way I could bring myself to go to class... because I could never stop crying and looking in this wretched state... I just wanted to hide... and get some sleep... because I hadn't had any... perhaps... for 4 years already... ... 

"I'm very very very sad... ..." 

Did You Forget What It Was Like Then?

I asked myself whether it was possible to have a fresh start among a crowd of familiar faces. Obviously that is going to pose an additional challenge because the familiarity will simply jolt back memories like a toothache does when you chomp down on a sweet and icy dessert. But I reached a conclusion that there can only be two ways... It is either I try my best to not fail or it is that I fail before I even start. To me the answer is clear...

However... Just want to summarize this entire holidays... I learnt a lot about a lot of things. I went to hell and survived and went through a roller coaster of emotions. I was injured and helpless and in the face of adversity I chickened out and submitted. My pride was decimated and my hopes crushed. But this post ain't about my emotional rantings. No... But this holidays I also saw the face of a friend in many people that I met and caught up after a long while... I'm not going to mention real names but if that person is reading then I guess you'll probably know that I'm talking about you. Rest assured that it is all good things and heartfelt messages~

Let all stories start off with a person called A. Thank you A for meeting up with me even when you were working. We had lost contact for 3 years? It probably shocked you very much when I suddenly just came to you and unloaded my emotional turmoils. But you didn't complain and in fact you told me that it didn't matter if we had never met for years and years that I will still remain the same in your memories... You remembered me even after and sent me this funny picture just because it reminded you of me... Thank you A...

To this friend who was abroad since the start of my semester I'm so glad that you're finally back. I have so much to tell you about what had happened and how uni life turned out to be. Loved the postcard you sent while you were in Germany and even though you came back to Singapore with a terrible cough and a terrible jet lag of 13 hours... You still helped me bring my stuff over to Cinnamon =) My old old friend TLL... Of course not forgetting you, C. You drove your parents car just to help me carry my things over from my house to my hostel... Of all the things you could have done you always helped me when I needed it...

To a worried and devoted K... How long have we been at each others toes? haha... But you're still the same as ever. You met up with me for so many dinners this holidays to hear my sorrows and make me feel better. You entertained my late night calls and believed in me more than I believed myself... Your best friend too... R... as TLL goes overseas and come back you then have to leave to go to Torronto. All the best woman!! It keeps me comforted to know that even so far away that we are apart that you still tell me that you pray for me... Though of course I don't believe the act of praying - but the gesture is so comforting...

To my ex-competitor W and to my best friend in JC, YT. Thanks for accepting my sudden request to go Pulau Ubin, Though in the end we all got too lazy and went Siloso beach instead. You guys helped me think of creative ways to appraoch my problems and we went to OCEAN AQUARIUM!!! I had never been so happy for such a long time. But learning all those new fish facts and the fishes, it was the best 3 hours of my 2012.

A weird AFTC friend S whom we share the same horoscope and loved exactly the same things from life principals all the way to our favourite phones. So glad that we met up and the things you told me were so touching. Like a powerful shield you are always there like a defender to me. Always just believing that I am a good person when I don't think I am. You think of weird ways to help me haha... But in your eyes money doesn't matter... you just wanted to help me solve whatever nightmare I was facing... AWWWW

An unexpected friend that I met in Tengah. His name is L. Thanks for the birthday treat haha. We don't know each other well but I can always count on you to be there for me. Thanks for sub-letting me your small kitchen to bake a best friend's rainbow cake haha. It was so impromptu and your mum was so nice to me =) And of course, there is a guy called N. Probably one of my best friends in OCS. You are loyal as you are dependable. When I said I very sad want to go for a drink you just agreed even though you had so much work to do. I always talked and you just listened again and again. You saw me drink the alcohol and listened to my emo-whining. Yet you believed and had faith and told me that I need not prove anything to anyone... You believed me when I wanted to cry when others did not~

A scary friend, C who always scolded me for my bad grades and dependency on others. Until today I don't know why I still find you all the time when you always just scold me only haha. But you called counselling services for me and worried so much about me... haha... friends for so long already... Some things never change

Lastly... A new friend in uni named L. Thanks for being there for me when I almost hyperventilated and died. For talking on the phone with me when I felt so depressed. Hope we can be better friends in the days to come. Though I dare not think too much...

To a final final note... S... I see now why there is no such thing as 'giving up' for me. It is that I need not give up but only accept that somethings are no longer the same. I wanted so hard to revive the past because we were happy then as very good friends. I long for those days but I guess they are over. In days to come... I'll no longer try to revive that... In my heart you'll still be my best friend. But I know that nothing I do will ever change anything. So... I'm going to just keep it inside me and should time cause it to fade too... I hope you'll be happy and successful in all that you do sincerely... Always showing care and concern in hopes that you'll see me as a friend to be enjoyed too...

There is always criticism that there is no altruism that is pure. But I have listed so many... I think a lot of people feel that I resort to emotional black mail... and that I have expectations of people. I believe I had been altruistic because... when I'm in trouble and down and I had hoped that some people will be there for me =( But I consider I was altruistic because at the point of helping others and trying to make people happy... All I really did was sincere without any thoughts of returns... Believe it or not...

I really really... am not a liar~~