I did not regret what I had to do. The greatest testament to that will lie in the fact that if I could go back in time I would still choose to do the same thing and have the same outcome. It is not about loving to be in pain but it is about accepting the impact and feeling it without a single bit of denial and fear. Sometimes the greatest thing one can do for oneself is to have the strength to not take up the sword but instead to remove your weapons and armor and simply be open to face the consequences of one's actions and fate as we know it~
I had always been different in my approach to life as compared to the others around me. Some people call it individuality but for me that's probably not such a good thing. Too much emotional prowess without a complementary capacity to process it is an absolute recipe for disaster. Time and history has shown itself and I've been tossed and turned in the choppy seas of my own despair and negative feelings. I suppose there is always a silver lining above any dark clouds and I suppose there is. However, going to leave that to the end of this post.
I've always found myself immature because of my lack of control over my emotions. Most of the time I am just blindly driven by my strong feelings for others and the things that I wish to attain. A mature person to me would be one who is master over his or her own emotions and being able to channel those excess energies to productive work in life to enhance overall efficiency and development as a person. If I were to be sitting in an interview right now and the interviewer were to ask me what my greatest weakness is my answer would probably be...
I lost my own voice in a cacophony of noises. I always sought the help of the people around me whenever there was a little rain and soon I grew more and more comfortable relying on the people around me. Instead of developing as a person I ended up losing my own voice and getting confused of who I really am. I needed affirmation from others for my own feelings and in the decisions and actions that I made. After long, I started to grow dependent and lost my own pride and my own thinking becoming a puppet controlled by invisible puppet strings; swaying and moving to please the crowd as much as possible.
I figured out though... that there is one important thing that I had forgot during some point in my life and I need to remind myself every single day when I wake up and every time I am down and feeling lousy:
I don't need someone to affirm what I am feeling and I do not need someone to tell me what I should be feeling. I know what I am feeling and I know what I believe in. That alone is enough. Let external forces push and pull as much as they want, but my internal forces should be unaffected by these external ones. I suppose that's the greatest step one can take to become a person and not a mere homosapien. Because to be a person means a lot of things. It means to be somebody - somebody who is unique and has his own presence in this world.
I enjoyed the drama of shows and the drama of fantasies. But I need to start opening my eyes and moving forward. Of course, I need to hear my own voice and start talking to myself again. Because if I do not start understanding and loving myself then I will never be able to embrace being alone. One can be alone but not yet lonely... that's what I strive toward. I want to BE somebody... I don't want to be so weak anymore because I know if I tried I can be better than anyone I want to be better than and accomplish my tasks as well as anyone else can.
I know what I am feeling and I do not need to tell the entire world what it is for it to come to pass. I stand by my own convictions and I stand by my heart. Some things can never change. Though I still feel pain over the matter, I am savouring the pain because it is endearing and teaching me everyday that the true treasure is what which caused so much pain to begin with and hence the sweeter when it is finally overcome.
Tomorrow... will be a better day and so will the day after and the day after that... I finally believe with all my heart that...
I CAN DO THIS!
No comments:
Post a Comment