A Tree That Had No Fear

I know of a story of a young and overly-slim tree. Everyday as I walk to the MRT station on my way to school or when I come back from school, I see a young tree. The trunk as thin as a bamboo pole that you and I will use to hang our laundry. I first saw it somewhere in February this year. It caught my attention because it was just weird to see a long bamboo pole-like thingy grow out from an empty grass patch. I figured that one of the seeds from the huge trees in the area probably was the reason for this.

It started from a small seedling with reddish leaves and by mid-February it was just a stick with green leaves. I would always look out for this seedling on my way to school and on my way back from school. In a way, I really liked the color green and also because I had always had an affinity for plants. So no matter how I had 'No time no choice' I would always take a moment to observe her growth and have inspiring thoughts like imagining how such huge and thick trees could come from such tiny miracles. Is it not fascinating that a bamboo pole can grow to be as thick as the tall trees outside our HDBs?

But as we all remember, February was the period when there were heavy rains and strong winds. Somewhere in late February... IT happened. A bad storm had made its way to town the night before. I remembered waking up to white flashes in the middle of the night and hiding under the covers of my blanket for the thunders to pass. On my way to school, I saw that the young tree had been entirely uprooted and was lying horizontally against the grass field. It was heavy on my mind because I was wondering if I should erect the tree again. I figured I might do that on my way back from school instead. But I never did... For days and then weeks... I kept wondering if I should have helped it. But I didn't of course... even until today... the tree remains lying horizontally flat on the ground. But something miraculous happened! Because in March, I realized small sprouts were beginning to grow from the sides of the fallen tree. By today, despite all odds, the fallen trunk has now became... 3 small trees instead.

Why am I telling the story of a tree? A boring old tree, who has no feelings; no brains; and so ordinary. It is because as I was coming back from school today from my last examination for this semester seeing this tree reminded me of what it means to: 'try'.

For the most part, I realize that 'trying your best' is never easy. Not because of the time and commitment that you will require for the task. No doubt that will be an uphill task too. But the hard part that I am talking about is the fear that exists because of trying your best. The key lies in 'best'. Sometimes, when we try our best and yet we still are unable to accomplish our goals and targets we start to think back and wonder: maybe we have not tried our best yet. Perhaps that's true... or perhaps... just perhaps we do not want to feel the hurt (so intense) that our best was never enough and coming up with excuses will help save our own prides that if we 'put in our best we will be able to do anything!'

For days long... and semesters past... I attributed my failures in my first year in NUS to the dramas that unfolded and that was mostly true. Yet there was little excuse that I could bring myself to give when I saw my results in my year 2 semester 1. I told myself that perhaps I had not put in enough effort and that my best had yet to be uncovered and so I trudged on and put in my best for year 2 semester 2 instead: this current semester!
\
And now my heart is heavy... So very heavy it is... Even before exams end I was starting to get nightmares and sleepless nights just wondering if my best was not enough. That maybe I needed to see the truth and see my own shortcomings. For right now... I really reflect and I daresay that this semester I had already given it my all and been so hardworking... Alas... is this all be in vain? Is this all that I am capable of? Such ridiculous feats and insignificant improvement?

For truly my self-confidence had eroded so gravely since my coming into university. Though I may not show it and I give the World my brightest smile... I wonder how much longer I can last... Because on 2 June... when I look at the results and see my own reflection... I may just realize... my best is mediocre at best~ I'm not special... Just trying to be but perhaps never will be...

The tree that grew despite the odds had no fear. All it knew was that it did not want to die. Such tenacity that I applauded. The will to live is strong even in one small plant. I figured it had no fear of failure... because in the tree's world there was only succeed and live or fail and wither away... If only I could be that tree... so fearless and calm and so tenacious and admirable... A tower of strength I see on my way to school and back every day

A function of module performance

I was just randomly musing about what actually contributes to that 'A', 'B' or even 'C' grades that we got from each module. Could there be a factors that go into giving us certain outcomes? Because knowing so may help us to bring our CAP up and get better grades! And alas, I procrastinated for a good hour or so and came up with this in-no-way mathematical hypothesis of the factors that make up the grade performance function, F:

F(performance) = 0.1*Hardwork + 0.2*Resource utilization + 0.1*Attitude + 0.3*Perception of strengths and weaknesses + 0.2*Intelligence + 0.1*Deviation

I touch on each in turn:

Intelligence (20%):
Whether we like it or not, all academical pursuits or tests or whatsoever require thinking and wit. Therefore, when it goes down to solving that challenging question set in the final exam paper it really depends on the individuals' ability to recall information and knowledge, process the question and then combine the two prior processes to give an intelligent answer. Needless to say, the entire framework of thinking involves intelligence. And cruelly, we aren't all as smart as some others are =( There are real beasts out there!! On the bright side, I feel intelligence is only worth a 20% weight because there are other factors which I feel matters as well.

Resource utilization (20%):
What separates an efficient person and a slacker is not whether he/ she is more intelligent or not. The importance of resource utilization becomes paramount because we all have access to the same resources! Take for instance, some exams allow students to bring in an A4 sized cheat sheet. We all have the same resource of which to help us in the exam but the difference appears with regard to what we choose to put inside. (or in some cases the size of your handwriting and hence the amount of info you can squeeze in) Not only to cheat sheets but also the entire school and faculty staff. Everyone paid the same school fees and hence have equal privileges to seek professor tutor guidance. Failing to do so is called: Under-utilization of resources and hence a source of inefficiency!

Hardwork (10%):
Yes, of course this is probably the oldest answer in the book! In a country of semi-democracy, social studies have long imparted to us the meritocratic nature of success and how hardwork and the pursuit for diligence guarantee us a bright future. Not to mention hardwork has always been a valued trait of Asian societies; deferred gratification and a willing to sacrifice. As much as some of us hate this or do not believe in this, the amount of effort we put into studying does help us improve our performance in exams. The only question is how much? It will be naive to assert that putting in 20% of effort will give a 20% improvement. More often than not we experience something called 'diminishing returns', whereby after putting in a certain amount of hardwork, we come to realize that putting in more effort leads to lesser and lesser improvement. Because of this diminishing returns factor, hardwork can thus only bring us this far. Sad but true. However, for those who feel they lack the intelligence like myself =) Having hardwork can help to overcome some distance between a smart person and yourself.

Attitude (10%):
Face it, we all love what we love but hate what we hate. I can easily remember all 649 pokemon now in the pokemon universe and even vividly remember the exciting points in age old drama serials. Yet when it comes down to things such as operations management concepts and accountancy standards that I learned a year ago, things are just foggy at best! There is power when you like certain things because it produces in you a positive outlook and a natural enthusiasm (call it passion if you like). Business analytics 2 for example, is one of the most hated modules in business school. Initially, I hated it so much!! Like really. But I come to realize how useful it is and how I can apply it to other modules and suddenly the module becomes so much easier for me. It is a miracle! For other modules, I may hate the subject but I fell in love with the tutors and professors who have inspired me. That helps in attitude too =)

Optimizing strengths and weaknesses (30%):
Each and everyone of us is unique. We all have different sets of strengths and weaknesses which are sometimes determined by our upbringings or personalities. When I say optimizing strengths and weaknesses I mean making the correct decisions that help to focus your strengths and help overcome your weaknesses. Ways we can do this is... Mapping overseas the modules that you feel you cannot do well (that in itself is smart move because you have evaluated your strength and weakness and feel that it will be wiser to do this elsewhere where the module will harm your CAP less). It could also relate to how you choose to spend your study break/ week. Some people have the awareness of their own capacity to memorize things. For myself, I cannot study more than 6 hours a day because I know anything beyond that will be useless. I mean I can study but the thing is everything (including those studied in the 6 hours prior) will be a blank the next day I wake up. This is an example of weakness and I have no choice but to limit studying per day and watch TV and play games instead. Not because I want to slack but because I am optimizing my weakness. The strength comes because, if I were to study only 6 hours a day I can remember everything almost perfectly the next day and this is a compounded effect. Therefore, I know I seem to play a lot all the time. But it is all because I know my own strengths and weaknesses well. Oh and I also DON'T study 12 hours prior to an exam. I feel it makes me too nervous haha

Deviation (10%):
As to all things in life, nothing is certain. Our expectations rarely, if not never coincide with reality. Things always deviate: for the lucky ones they become unexpected miracles; but for the most of the people it leads to disappointments. There are so many additive reasons for why deviations occur. It could be a carelessness during the heat of the moment; an epiphany from god; a tumourous cell building up in your brain that you were not yet aware of. It could be anything! Because of these additive reasons things always turn out differently (small or big). Perhaps we could call this 10% unexplainable 'luck'

That's all I think account for performance for a module or your exams. Of course you might disagree with me but this is what matters in my opinion =) And sadly, even knowing all the factors there really ain't much we can do about certain factors. But I hope it allows you to see something you didn't realize before and that it may hence help you improve your grades. (as much as I want to bring up mine sobs*)

Just remember:
IN UNIVERSITY GRADES AND PERFORMANCE IS A ZERO SUM GAME...
Where there are winners there will be losers, so better always be on the edge or you may just be pushed out of position and end up being a loser in this game.

Pinpoint strikes

Sometimes we feel uncomfortable because the people around us seem to be doing things differently from us. Just like during the mugging period when we see people study day/ night and do many crazy things, that it drives us crazy and makes us doubt ourselves and ask ourselves if we were doing it enough or doing it right. It gets a little frustrating sometimes having these doubts and feeling so afraid... I mean... yes... I am afraid that I am doing things wrong; afraid I will be getting bad grades; afraid that I will see failure yet again.

I've seen my share of Cs in my university life. At first I couldn't believe it, partly because of my pride: back when I used to see have the A grade come so easily. But things are different now and I come to realize that hard work is important!

I used to feel insulted when people said I worked very hard (I have to be honest). That was because I felt that people thought I have no substance/ talent and only relied on being a closet mugger of sorts. But I realize how foolish I was, because I am proud to be hardworking =). Just this semester, someone I met for the first time said I was the 'most hardworking person' she ever met haha. Ironically, I never used to be hardworking and only really started last to this semester.

There is no shame to say that I am weak. In fact I want to say that I really ain't very good at school at all. I have not seen an A grade whatsoever in my entire 2 years in NUS. But that doesn't mean I just roll over and die or give up trying. I can't match up to the raw talents and abilities of those around me (and truly they are impressive and so multi-talented that goes beyond mere academics); but I will try to close this gap in my own way and with my own diligence and understanding of myself. That in itself is what it truly means to FEEL ALIVE for me...

We are all fundamentally different, and that means we have different strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, no one way of doing things works for everyone and I have to maintain the strength of my will to resist doubting my own methods. Truth be told, I think people will be shocked at how slack I am for preparing for my final exams... but to myself:

The key to me is and always will be: Minimum effort maximum output... Because I know my own capacity and am patient about progress. Hard work and true effort that will never lose to anyone will come only at the right moment; pinpoint strikes I call it that will help make this semester REDEMPTION from my past failures... Determined as ever!

Four Seasons

All is new as a new dawn breaks - wildflowers abloom like the fireworks on a dark and barren night. The first sun beams that break across that land, much like a sweep of gold as a result of one such delicate Midas touch. The harsh frosts melt and a new era flourishes - such a beautiful sight to see; as pretty as a painting. Even the strictest winter's footprints dissolve to provide the crystalline streams that irrigate the plains restoring precious life to a field that saw only despair - a "dream field" of a slumbering child~

With every step there is a song of wonders to be and will become. The scent of happiness that wafts in the air and brings such delight and excitement to a stone-cold heart that refused to shine. Spring was a miracle: spring is a miracle. Spring was the hope that awoken the sleepy and gave rejuvenation to one so dying... So let it be...

Then there's summer - the season of love and passion so warm it sunburns. The shrilling songs of the cicadas that signals the arrival of this season. So bright and irritating but so distinct and familiar. The cacophony of sounds that brings the summer fever to the dating couples in the parks of the evenings - strolling so gently but so romantically (your hand in mine - my hand in yours)... As we walk, as we walk, as we walk all night...

The sun's so merciless, bringing scorching heat to anyone in his path. The hearts that sweat in the blistering heat, the heat that ignites the passion of the soul... the heat and sound of a couple making love in the bushes of a hot and sweltering night - made mystified by the fireflies that swarm the gardens like shooting stars and twinkling little fairy lights. Summer was the heat that scorched the heart and numbed the senses - it brought great addiction and satisfaction to one who awoke from a beautiful spring... so hot it was; so intense it became... it was the heat that one could never forget but savour.

But all good things always comes to an end - because with the peak comes the fall and with dawn comes dusk... What comes from the earth dies and goes back into the earth as ashes: ashes we were and ashes we become indeed... The emerald lush can bear their vibrancy no longer. Subjected to the turn of the seasons to shed their beautiful coats and succumb to an ocean of red and barren branches.

So as we sit on a creaking swing and watch the sunset in the west, do we remember the times when the scenery around us was so much different? When the wind was not so empty and quiet and when the land once seemed so brimming with life-everlasting. The night seemed longer even though it was always the same - just the longing grew deeper, weaving itself insidiously into the depths of our hearts.

I'm sipping on a cup of freshly brewed tea... reminiscing a memory that I could not safe and cherishing the remains of an ember that I felt was soon to be extinguished. In autumn we remember and in autumn we learn to cherish what we once had and now do not. In dusk we long for dawn and with every dawn we appreciate each and every single day even as the winds got harsher (bringing with it the howling cold) and the trees provided less and less cover with each passing day... Autumn will be the final leap ~

Alas... there is only silence. Even in the mid of day and the deep of night there is only nothing but dead silence. It became so cold suddenly and so quickly that my heart froze and so did my blood. Even nightly tears crystallize and those wet eyes become so dry. So sleepy... so sleepy...

Always hoping but never really believing... that after this season there will come another spring... that in this season the winter hibernation will be the last; or simply because a cycle is too torturous for one whose heart is so tender and wounded...

I don't know if I'll wake up anymore... if the sun will ever come or if I'll live through the night... I only know it's cold and I take comfort hiding under a blanket beneath my bed. The only refuge from the elements and the only mask from all the lies~

Winter is the ultimatum of life... the ultimatum deciding between if I died inside or not...

One More Reason

I found another new reason to live on today. Things come in an unexpected way all the time. I suppose this is what they refer to as a bolt from the blue. But I told myself some time ago that  I  will write down the reasons for living in a huge glass bottle every time there is one to be found and see how much of this empty jar I can fill up.

Truth be told... who knows what lies ahead? But then I never hear any one complaining even though I'm pretty sure that everyone around me is as baffled by the unknown and facing their own demons some where else in some other form. Yet there are moments to be cherished despite being badly wounded or being poisoned and when things still hurt badly... Do we call that being ambivalent?

Maybe I had studied too much business analytic and I can safely say that happiness and unhappiness are not mutually exclusive events... Neither are they tangible enough to be assessed in such a way that happiness has a probability p and hence unhappiness (1-p). They can never be discrete possibilities... Is it normal? I don't know for sure... I just know it is a spectrum~

A spectrum that I am carried away as I find my own voice and my own direction...

I thank someone who made me feel special today. Because you are the new additional reason to live on still... Simple words mean meaningless rumblings... But in this case... your words... though simple... were deeper to me than anything else... Thank you...

On another note... Love is blind~ I can never judge any more... who and who gets together or feel what is right and what is wrong. Because the truth to love is a feeling that transcends all... gender, age, feelings, status, race alike... 

To the dreamfields

Been having such bizarre dreams lately that it sort of makes me distracted during the day; during those moments when I am walking somewhere; during moments when I am just sitting on the toilet bowl on a constipation streak - Because I keep thinking back and trying to recall vague details and try to make sense out of things.

There are so many theories put forth to explain the science behind dreams. As much as I don't know the real reason why they exist I do subscribe more to the explanation that dreams are the manifestation of fragments of memories (both conscious and sub-conscious). This is why there may be people in your dreams that you feel that you have not seen before and that may not be so untrue. Why? Because... When we sleep our memories are just randomly jumbled together into a mesh-work. This means that it is possible that you dream about someone who is constructed from your memories of 20 different people and their features. Hence, this person may not exist at all.

The funny part about dreams I suppose is how realistic they are. It is just like an out of body experience, more realistic than any HD-TV can provide. You are the main character of the story or you are an observer either in your own body or through another person's eyes. Yet there is little you can do but go along with the story. But one thing scientists all believe and hold true: Dreams may be fantasies (or nightmares) but the emotions we feel are real. This is why scientist propose that dreaming is a response to coping with emotional release that one usually with-holds during the typical day. It helps the mind to release the emotions that are built-up so that one can manage stress and emotions more effectively in daily life.

I don't know what to believe really... Sometimes... what is logical is not always true. But those that are illogical turn out to be the ones that are true... No one knew the Earth was round in the past... and yet today we do not subscribe to that... why is that?

I have become an insomniac... floating from place to place like a ghost. I dare not approach others in fear of being a bane, because I'm not the only person that is having a bad life... everyone is? Just that people are not whining... That kind of internal strength and self-belief... I wish I had it... I remember a song:

"Nobody likes me; everybody hates me... so I'm gonna eat some worms~"

My silent prayer: Let the object of objection be but a dream and cause the scene to be unseen...

Personification of the art of pastry-making

\
Baking is a skill that take years to perfect and strict discipline and patience to master. Unlike conventional cooking and frying the fun - as much as it is the nightmare - comes with the preparation of the batter/ mix that you would eventually place into an oven. Follow the recipe strictly and sometimes you still find that your cake or pastry comes out looking radically different the beautiful ones featured in the recipe you just tried to follow. Why's that?

First of all, the quantity of each ingredient is crucial. This is especially important for the making of a souffle which is a classic example of proportion that goes to the gram. Next there is a difference between the use of hand kneading and machine mixing. Even though using a mixer nowadays is the norm, using hands do have its advantages as the warmth in our hands help to speed up some of the processes in the kneading. Third, be sure to separate your eggs carefully and whisking your whites to perfection. Just a tiny bit of egg yolk and the fats in it will cause the consistency of your cake to go terribly wrong - imagine rock hard cakes instead of nice and airy ones.

Then comes the epic moment of placing it in the oven. Setting the correct temperature settings and then just sitting in front of the oven and watching our favourite 'oven-channel'. The moment of truth: when the timer rings and we open that oven door to see our own creations literally risen from the ashes. But more often than not that is not the case...

A lot of things in life are like baking. It is an art that is so difficult to perfect. Sometimes I try to emulate others but never seem to succeed in what others could. I laughed at myself for my own stupidity. Get impatient sometimes too... Ever opened an oven to see your cake before it is finished? It ruins the cake by the way: The cake will collapse or the sudden influx of cold air will cause your cake to become dense. 

Like I said baking is very different from conventional cooking. For conventional cooking, if something goes wrong you can add more salt/water/sugar. But for a cake it is so different. Whatever comes in will come out as it is. You cannot pour water over your completed piece if it is too dry. Neither can you sprinkle sugar over it or cook it longer to make it cooked inside or the outside will just be charred.

What I am trying to say really is... Once you put it in... there really is no turning back. You can try to be like others all your life but then everyone's recipes seem to never work for you... It is so hard to resonate... but so easy to try... But to succeed always becomes second to failure and more failure... I still ask myself why was it that... 

There was no sound; no look; no eye; just plain silence even though it was in the middle of a class... 

And of course... another matter: How I feel that there is no greater sadness than when the other closes a door behind you when you thought that it will be opened for a longer time... Looks like another night on the streets with no place to go to...

A refugee... always~