Learning To Be Happy

For awhile now... I realize I haven truely been happy. I've lived in illusion and forgotten about a very important person in my life. That person is... me! I have been trying so hard to please people and focused too much energy on friends. I cared too much about others but forgot what it meant to actually care for myself. There are so many times... When I really wanted to laugh when things were very funny but I held back. It felt wrong to be that happy when I am facing a problem and I ask myself why I had to be so... ... ...

I missed the days when things were carefree and I only focused on my future and producing a great portfolio for myself. I had friends then... maybe not super close but they made the bits and pieces of my life complete. I always told people that things happen for a reason only to have people who heard that line fire them back at me today... shag... lols I admit I'm lost now... I've lost direction because a lot of things I believe in have collapsed and I'm no longer the pillar of strength I used to believe I will become in the future.

Deep inside I know a storm still brews from the loss of a 'best friend'. I cried and I mourned till my eyes were nearly blood red... But I guess that's enough already. Just like how I've been forcing myself not to laugh when things were funny... There's really no need to punish myself so much. One day will do! Because after that you must learn to move on. Running away is really awesome but then how long can I run away from? =X Becuz someone impt to me pointed out that... I was not naive or dumb... It was that I was ignorant and refused to face the mountain straight up. People say ignorance is bliss... but I think it's delusion.

When have I last spent money for myself? When was the last time i spent on others? I need to care about what I want more instead of trying to be everyone's best friend. But I promise myself... Never to make people a priority anymore... When I am only an option. Deep inside, I sealed a part of me away. But I hope in time to come that will remain forever buried... So just smile when you want to... because it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 muscles to slap that bitch* to get him/her to shut the fuck up! lols