7 Months Ago

7 Months ago when I first entered the race, I wanted to change the world. I was hopeful then and extremely optimistic. Despite people laughing at the sheer thought of my naive ideas, I was determined to give it my best shot because I believed from the depths of my heart that no voice was too small. And so I gave the best of my energy and placed in a great deal. I wanted to be known as the best and wanted to start a new life from a wrecked past. I wanted to be someone and not a nobody.

6 Months ago, life started to get tough... I felt like a slave and had no life. I was also consumed by emotions and obsessed with my feelings of paranoia. It eventually led to my downfall and so I thought it was the end of the world. Days of emo and nights of tears~~~ A friendship was recreated but destroyed by my very own hands. It only taught me some things were never meant to be...

4 Months ago I encountered the greatest job I thought I would ever get. It was so stressful and felt like breaking down so many times than I could count. I refused to give up and I still wanted to change the world. Half the time working my guts out, my heart was still wounded. It was a painful and lonely experience. That's when I noticed that nobody gives a damn about your plight as long as you present something good on the table. Whatever happens underneath the table is up to other's discretion. Those sweat and blood put behind... They will never know... I only knew if I did something wrong no matter how hard I tried, it was still failure =///

3 Months ago the huge project finally ended and I swore I wept tears of happiness. I received a new duty to become the guardian of an offshore island. I wanted to be someone different... And for once in my whole NSF life I could be at peace. I clawed my way literally to where I was. There I met friends that cared and I opened my heart to everyone of them because I believed in the trust that everyone cared for one another. It was a paradise away from my old days of pain and agony.

1 Month ago I started to lose all faith in changing the world. The world is a huge place afterall... And I was foolish enough to have thought I had the power to change things. I got betrayed by the very people I tried to help... Betrayed by the very people I groomed. I believed by giving them the care and concern I never had when I first entered the race they might be the seeds of the new generation to build a friendlier place... But I was horribly mistaken. I drifted further away from the old days and sought refuge with the people of the island where I could truely be myself.

Today, I have lost all hopes for a better tomorrow =X I countdown to the days when I would finally leave the old days behind me. Everyone is so hostile and I feel no sense of belonging. I feel so judged and misunderstood and this only keeps drawing the line between me and them. The truth is the World is SO big... And I felt unappreciated halfway. When I was in trouble, I felt no one would help me. And when people were in trouble I tried to help as much as I could =/ It's true I'm no saint. Perhaps I can say one fact: I wanted to try to be one. But I was selfish in the end and I admit it. I also thought too highly of myself when I am so weak =/

I want to be smarter, more powerful, richer and so on and so forth... Because if I were perfect I dun need to rely on anyone anymore. I just want to solve my own problems and help people solve theirs... But most of the time when I thought I was helping people, the people around probably helped me just as much...

I look back to the past 7 months and I saw my own evolution. And for a time... I felt sad... sad that I lost my initial beliefs for in the end I chose to give up on changing the world for I changed myself to suit in instead...