When I was still a very small boy, my parents used to buy me rainbow ice cream. I loved it very much because I enjoyed seeing the beautiful vibrant colours come together in a single delicious icy treat. I called it 'rainbow' flavour then... But now that I grew up I know it was just vanilla cream with tonnes of colouring. My parents would give me rainbow ice cream whenever I was a good boy, and believe me... I was always a good boy =) I cried very little when I was a baby and I always did things by myself, never giving my parents much trouble. When I went to primary school I had the power to buy my own rainbow ice cream. My dad said I shouldn't eat too much of it because it was unhealthy. I should only eat it when I did something good and should be rewarded. But then time went by even further and then we all changed. In my mind I ate rainbow ice cream only when I felt I was good. But what is good? Good then = do what is right and do what you're told. Good now = good-looking, intelligent, good grades, success, thin. And so... I ate less and less of the legendary rainbow ice cream...
When I wanted to eat one. People will comment that I'll get fat or that it's empty calories. That be true. But whenever I see one... it always makes me really happy. I love anything that resembles the rainbow. I made a rainbow cake this year and I really almost teared when that cake was cut opened and I saw the inside. It always gives me hope and it reminded me of something that I left behind somewhere...
What do we do when the sky turns grey and then the clouds start scudding in? Sometimes... we tell ourselves that it will be best to be distracted. just don't think about all the hurt and then after awhile it will go away. We bury ourselves in our work or other ridiculous stuff. Sometimes this need to avoid feeling grief goes deeper. It makes us afraid of being alone... because whenever we are alone... we need to face our true feelings. We yearned for escape from reality.
When we fall down. Do we try again? If we failed and failed even after we tried to get up do we stop? If I stopped... I'll still be facing the floor. So what's the difference between trying and not trying? It's not the end when we fall down... keep trying! because if we don't then we'll always be facing the floor.
Does this mean that we need to grief? Yes... it does. Because if something hurtful happens to us and we don't grief... then we're not human. Things always go deeper than what it seems on the surface. Do we sometimes not feel unhappiness that has no reason? Are we trapped in a cycle of events that seem always to recur? History that repeats... like a curse. It's probably because you never moved on from something; probably because you were hurt very deeply at one time but refused to feel it.
Dig deep and remember... Remember the rainbow ice cream and remember how you threw that away. Remember how the rainbow ice cream got stepped on and then you wanted to cry like a kid but then you told yourself that'll make you weak. Relive that past and feel the pain you ought to have felt...
I yearn to see the rainbow once more. Not from my own... I wish... I had a birthday like no other. One that does not fail... like how the past 4 years have failed... I never did tell anyone at all... not even my family... what I really really really wanted... ... simple but heartfelt... to see that legendary rainbow ice cream again but not because I did something good that deserved a reward. But just because it has the magical power to bring out a smile
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