Do you remember a time when you loved the swing? I think everyone loved swings like these when they were very young. I remembered a time when I was still in kindergarten and still living in my old home. I'll always beg my elder sister to go to the playground to play the swings with me. We'll compete with each other for who could swing the highest and compete who can go back and forth the fastest. In those days... swinging faster and faster to us was like an aircraft taking off... What a wonderful feeling it was then... ...
I woke up from a dying night on Friday morning. I felt horrible and sick - burdened by a horrible headache. I recalled a time when I was in NS then... It was field camp. We all had to learn how to dig shell scrapes then. I dug mine pretty fast and when i was done, I helped all those people around me who were struggling to make theirs so that we could all relax together. They thanked me and I felt appreciated. But I remembered that on the last day of field camp when we had to bury back our shell scrapes, I had a fever. I dared not sound it off because if I reported sick then I would have to re-take the entire field camp. My section knew that I was ill, and they kept the secret from our SGTs. But it was getting late, and I was burying back my shell scrape feeling dizzy and literally dying. The friends I helped back then were done and having dinner. They saw how I was still trying so hard to bury back the shell scrape by myself, but they did not lift a finger... but only told me: Don't push yourself, rest first then continue...
I felt appalled and disappointed. I slept that night with tears in my eyes as I recalled a time when my mum would be there for me to take care of me when I had a fever. At that point in time, I starred up into the night sky and told myself there and then that I could rely only on myself and my family. I helped those people because they were something to me... But when I really needed them the most... I didn't seem as important. I did not blame them of course... It was a lesson learned: That when you give... you can never expect return. It just not the way things work with people...
I've been in a swing all this few months... swinging first forward and then backward. Someone asked me what I wanted to get out of the 4 years of my uni life. I thought for awhile... and I said this: I want to find direction.
All my years I have trudged through life. I had a direction since I was in primary school to go to NUS one day and I did so. But when I came to NUS I quickly discovered that I cannot see anything beyond where I am standing now. What do I wish the 4 years in NUS will give me? I wanted to find what was important to me... I wanted to get a direction to follow for the next 10-20 years of my life. A degree is transitory but the experience is worth an infinity lives.
I have happiness all around me; I have so many people that care about me and appreciate me. I took a long time to recover from a fall... But I think I'm going to start walking from now on. I can't run though... It's still sore where the wound is. But I'm going to start limping if I must.
I am truly most happy when I can make others happy. Because seeing that smile on your face... means a lot to me. For that smile in itself will make me smile even more...
Perhaps... in another place and another time... things will turn out differently. But in this time now... there's nothing I can ever do to change anything. So I yield... ... I will always cherish though and hold dearly fond memories. I'll still always be there if you ever need me... that's a promise...
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