Wavelength

Everything's changing everyday... time is moving, the future is pending and the present is ever unfolding... To start life anew? How quaint... Life is a cycle and a circle has no beginning... to start from the origin you must first find the threshold... But gosh... where to start? when a circle has no ends...

Different people, different perception. Different points different beginnings... but at the end of the day everyone reaches the same place and there we meet in the afterlife... There are no sinners, there are no saints there are only homosapiens... To err is to human, and to perfect is to god? When perfection is your goal, then are we dreaming a dream too big? Will a perfectionist ever find satisfaction in this world of no happily-ever-afters?

As mysterious as the Stone Henge, as beautiful as the aurora of the nothern hemisphere... the beauty of life, the mystique of living... What is of the mind translate to living? When things of the mind ever so fickle ever so illusory... A wonderland of fantasy! Sum up reality, envision virtuality. Is it really possible these two co-exist?

A mind split in two... a neurosis of human dopagangher. When two beings coincide in one... two faces of a coin... two emotions in one... To surpress the fake and surface the genuine... I wonder what is the real you? Perhaps they both are just different wavelength same frequency. What is a wavelength of a human? It is the mental subconcious state of a person. To tap onto both is the key... The theory of yin-yang... black and white with a dot of the opposite on both for balance...

A new life how unfamiliar yet nostalgic... Where do I start? When life is a cycle with no beginnings... When every point to start looks almost the same... what to do? what to choose?

It is to trust yourself. Close your eyes... choose a dot at random... and START!

The Conclusion

Time has froze for as long as i remembered... that moment of acceptance and deception... Took a journey to revisit the past to make clearer the present and so make brighter the future... On this journey knots were untied... knots that had been there for ages and ages never solved but only obscured and hid away to be pretended as solved... I had done horrible things on this attempt to end all dead ends...

And in the end... when i used the most underhand means to get what i want... the fact lies in front of me... that getting what i want was just an illusion... i can always have a person's body and actions... but when it comes down to the heart it will never be forced out...

I lost myself on this journey to the past... lost myself on this pursuit to clarify the present... went insane for a future I wished I had... sanity was in short supply because i never could control that emotional strain that all this dealts to me... Which is why i choose death as an answer to sum it all up...

I was a crackpot... a freak... a madman... insane and crazy... I felt HATE in every vein and muscle so much i thought i had to kill someone and i did... ... To many i guess u would never have guess the night before this could well had been my last night on Earth... When i popped those sleeping pills into my mouth and went to sleep i thought i will never see the light of day...

That near death experience... but for all... dun worry i survived miraculously and i want to share with everyone what death is like...

Death is fear... becuz on that impulse of losing a brother i lost myself... I popped those deadly toxic pills into my mouth and swallowed them... 12 of them yea... 12 for 12 things i regretted i had done... At that moment i wanted to die to embrace death with open arms... wanted to die with style and leave this world and so never be a burden... but after around fifteen minutes I suddenly felt this pain in my stomach... and i told myself... this is death coming... and for that moment not exaggearting at all is that i dun feel like dying... I WAS REALLY SCARED... as i see so many things about death to be afraid about!

I knew if i ignored that stomach pain and slept on i would have died... for by that time the drug had sort of kicked in and my head was heavy my vision was blurring... BUt at that moment when it seemed i was going to sleep eternal... I used every l;ast ounce of my energy and vomitted becuz i felt like vomitting... I vomitted out at least 6 pills or more and by that time i was exhausted and already halfway to collapse.... I wanted so much to vomit out the rest of the pills becuz i told myself with that last breath... 'I dun wanna die...'

But i just couldn't vomit them out those last few pills... and by this time my head was spinning... and darkness glazed my eyes and mind... i wanted to call my parents for help... had done all this secretly but i found this voice telling me if i told them i would be in trouble... so i told myself... lets just sleep becuz i really cannot take it anymore... and really i knocked out... and thought it was... the end...

Woke up in the morning to a concerned fren who called me so many times to see if i was alive... thanks yea... that made me realise i was still alive but though unconcious... only officially woke up at 6pm near 7pm and even then i was still drowsy... Feels so strange to be alive when u are supposed to be dead... feels so weird that if I hadn't vomit and just laid and waited to sleep i could have said sayonara to this world...

What is death like? It's like a dream... a dream so distant and peaceful... as much this may be the last sleep i will ever have... an eternal slumber... i had a great dream though... a dream that i was going out with someone... and it was really happy...

Back to reality again... i just wanna say OMG that i survived and could still tell the tale... I see what death is like... and now i question... to vomit and stomachache what is that? becuz when i researched... sleeping pills dun cause stomachaches and then i came to this conclusion... that maybe sub consciously i didn't wanna die ALOT so at that moment i popped those pills in... my mind rejected it so much it made me feel a stomach pain so i will expel those pills out... it was... my will to LIVE...

Yes i know... to some this tale is so ever dramatic but i am telling the truth of it all... not a single lie or drama... its really the whole thing... just to reject death and chicken out at the last minute... i wonder still... am i weak that i fear death? or is it I am strong enough to fight death?

Like the phoenix rises from the ashes... I died ytd but was given a new life today... Maybe... it was not my time to go afterall... but what of the 'death card' i got from doing tarot reading... I guess it means... the death of something old... and the rise of something new... A big change which is the death card's alternate meaning... Like the phoenix i will rise with this new chance of 50-50 i survived...

With a new life... i savour new hope...

There's something i haven been dying to do for so long le...

The End

50:50

Its a game of chance fifty fifity... where it lands no one knows... yea I am gambling with life... Now i feel sleepy... whether i wake up tmr... i dunno yea... feel super drowsy about to collapse... byee ppl

Turning back

It appears that things are turning towards the nasty side... what is beautiful overlying what is truely real and gruesome... What is past is coming back... what is future is being distorted... and what is now is getting vague... It's time to take a journey... because time is not moving... it has become stagnant... froze at that instant of deception and acceptance...

It's time to review and reflect what is of the past... think of the future and understand the present... To turn the hands of time and discover what had been left out... It is time to take a journey...

A journey to explore the past... before the clock can finally move again... and life goes on... It is time... to revisit a flashback... and untie this knot once and for all wherever in time it had came about...

Breaking Point

When things are just right in front of you... when things are just there to grasp... when things seem so easy and effortless... when things are beyond your control... They are in fact killing you from the inside...

Reaching breaking point... as i stare and stare, wishing so hard yet surpressing myself harder... that feeling in you that so wants to struggle to come out... much like the phoenix force which I have been so obsessed about recently in X-men... That immense power that is pushing against mental barriers... To do what is right and do what is wrong... to stop yourself from doing things that inside so desires so fanatically... U stop and dun fight... I query though... when we stop... are we weak becuz we cannot do it? or is it we are strong enough not to do it?

Howling in my heart and mind... a light hearted sleep... I wonder how long i shall endure this torment that is eating into me and affecting my thoughts so much... Feel like releasing that pent up emotions at something yet sadly... i can't... I must control it... MASTER it! But it's so getting harder all the time... I watch with eyes ablaze with that one moment of heart turn to steel i resisted and pressed that button... I know no one knows what i am talking about... but everytime i just wanna say it really takes out a lot out of me...

When things are to be changed... not for u but for something u want... won't u try your bestest? when coersion leads to yourself growing... when looking into the past will help u discover what is to be corrected... perhaps history will provide some insights... perhaps some background too... controlling that ever stockpiling energy inside me... surpressing like there's no tomorrow... I must control it... and one day i know it will pay off... I must be strong as iron, hard as diamond so that i can achieve that dream...

Holidays seem to be flying fast... everyone nowadays seems to be posting blog entries about nostalgia... is it almost time to say goodbye to everyone? =( nostalgia in rhapsodies of a lost memory... ... ... ... I remember so well... the memories...

Feels like dying now... perhaps i should go sleep... so i can stop controlling... but until then in my sleep and when i am awake a battle wages inside me... to surpress that part of myself... That desrie so radiant like the glorious sun (the picture is that of the sun btw for thos who still dunno)... ... T.T

brothers? brother where are u? i miss u so much i cry every night yea... ...

A Mad Jungle

A forgotten piece of land... allowed for time to let it grow... When plants grow they grow to survive... to compete, to out grow... the tenacity of nature at work... yet other times when u look more closely... perhaps to survive we have forgotten a part of ourselves... The part that does what is best for everyone, the part that is pure and beautiful and never a meshwork of vines and overgrown weeds that is the ugliest of human nature... There is little option for such a thing... in fact there is only one... we need to devegetate this piece of land and stop it before it is even worse... For we have lost... our sanity in this wilderness we created...

Whether u destroy this land and leave it bare... whether u do it now... whether u do it later it will still be the same... what is left is but a barren piece of land... devoid of all life and of all memories if there were any... But to ask yourself why? why? why? to kill a part of you for it is of no choice... to accept a piece of wilderness or to accept a piece of empty land there after that may bloom one day or not? to take that gamble?

Life is a gamble... No one knows what cards u are holding onto... whether u will win? whether u will lose? It is an irony because we ourselves have no idea what cards we are holding onto... but it is till the end when we show hand do we finally understand what we stand to win and lose... for some it will be a period of acceptance... for others a moment of joy that is a photo shoot forever embedded in memories as a day of celebration... yet a third special case... for the rare... a draw that leaves u a chance to go another round...

To destroy your own creation? is it not painful? where all the memories so fond so dear reduced... no is DECIMATED!!! Injection of some emotions will u plz? No matter how ugly something it is... when born out of your own two hands will u not feel the pain that is so sharp it pierces the soul so deep... If destroying was so easy... then your mother would have aborted u knowing that what she created would be ugly or stupid or fat or weak or what? What i am saying... I beckoning and reckoning the days... While u eradicate this wild creation of yours don't for a second take it for granted... As much unruly the forest I loved it so much I wanna cry... But to leave me no option it is the only way...

What of a piece of land? That has been scarred by flame... will the scar be forever persistent? A scar so deeply engraved in both parties memories and heart that shall never be forgotten... Red scars on the earth's surface like some scorch marks left by inhumane beasts... I beckon the deforestors to wake up and see their doing... the vast destruction that is their responsibility and what they call home!

What will become of it now? Perhaps a barren land from now on... then maybe a tormented forest would have been better? NO... because it is what is necessary... when things u want so much so dear... will breed unhappiness... when coersion will only lead to parasitism... when this way will stab yourself through the heart and numb the mind... it is to accept the truth that perhaps it may never be what u dream of now, the past or even in the future.. but doing what is necessary even if it means the future may be bleak after this... But it is all for that one chance... For that one chance which is no longer about the cards in your hands... but for a chance called... HOPE!!!

Perhaps with the purest of wishes... A hope may arise... To do what is truely not what u want it takes a heart of steel... to finally take that axe and chop down that tree... to kill and suffocate a part of yourself and then let time and nature heal itself... A seedling of hope u plant in this barren land after deforestation... will it survive? no one can for a 100% sure tell u a YES... T.T Now what is of the elements... the sun, the rain and maybe the lonely moonlight shall guide this young hope on its way... a single tree that shall grow and blossom and perhaps one day... just one day this tiny hope will heal the scars...

Yes... there are no cures for scars... a scar is a permanent mark... but with time this hope may just... with the slightest of chance survival... grow and lush the land... cover the scars and start a new chapter... overlying what was once a wrecked vegetation... at last shine through and become the true meadow that everyone wished for from the start...

I dun wanna stop what i want... but for the sake of everyone else... for u, and for myself... it is to accept... becuz there is only one option... and there is only an option of not to accept or accept... and I choose... to believe in that seedling... becuz... i still love u so much bro... T.T

Self Deception

It's a long time since I last blogged... this blog has been dead for many weeks... mainly because its owner was away... Away on a fairytale vacation, a dream... ... From cloud 9 to hell, that is what is reality... differentiate what is virtual and realise what is really real, and very soon you will find yourself further away from your fantasy...


What is to be in self-denial... that is to lie to yourself to tell yourself what u want to know but not what is to know... The truth is a medicine bitter sweet... taste the sarcasm, how rich it really is... I dun mean to scrutinise the truth and its 'after-taste'... but really who likes it when things dun go their way? Everyone wants things to go their way... who doesn't? But the ultimate decisive criterion is who has what it takes to accept what truely is not meant to go their way... For those who can I applaud u... for those who dun... >.< I understand...



Going home on an average journey... what is similar is so nostalgic... as u reminisce the past and question the future... every trip never the same... things dun ever change... but u change! a certain feeling of loneliness perhaps? what is to be lost? what has yet to be lost? and what exactly are u looking for?



Is there a compromise with everything u ever disagree with someone? If one says yes and one says no? Who is to let go? who is to surrender? Who is to play second fiddle? Is there truely a answer that is a balance of both? What of 'ok'? Ok = 50% yes and 50% no? Then what is 'ok'? Is that an oxymoron within itself? And if that truely is the case then tell me... tell me... What is the intermediate of a yes and a no? becuz... I dunno... T.T



The math lecturer Mr Seah Said something which set me thinking today... He raised a scenario about a friend who lied... and the other friend who was the victim of the lie confronted the liar of a friend and said... 'U always lie... Why do u always lie?'



It's just a one time isn't it? Why is it a one time mistake can be transformed into an eternal sin in the the minds of the people? If we can forgive and forget... then really... why is it when we argue we bring up things of the past? the painful ones? =( I wish people only thought of all the good times and so that negativity will quickly be nullified... and a bond even stronger...



Heart got pulled out a few days ago... Really never have been so sad in my entire life... Last few times maybe I had overreacted but when it boils don to the last... this time... it really felt like a part of me died... Still thinking of so many things... so many things I wanna solve, i wanna make better... yet sadly... I can't T.T What is the source u look for when u need to make the most painful decisions? when it means losing someone that really matters so much to u... it hurts... When things are the right thing to do... yet doing the right thing is like stabbing your own heart and then allowing it to heal after sometime...



Yet other times... I wish so hard and wish so dear... my one and only wish... a birthday wish... a new year resolution and sorts... All my wishes all the same but sadly... I guess somethings are not meant to be yours and they will never be... Wishing for a feeling that is so magically impossible...


Yet other times too... A promise to yourself... and a reminder... to never lose hope... a knot to seal it off... which comes from the depths of your heart... Searching for the lost B... ...