Time has froze for as long as i remembered... that moment of acceptance and deception... Took a journey to revisit the past to make clearer the present and so make brighter the future... On this journey knots were untied... knots that had been there for ages and ages never solved but only obscured and hid away to be pretended as solved... I had done horrible things on this attempt to end all dead ends...And in the end... when i used the most underhand means to get what i want... the fact lies in front of me... that getting what i want was just an illusion... i can always have a person's body and actions... but when it comes down to the heart it will never be forced out...
I lost myself on this journey to the past... lost myself on this pursuit to clarify the present... went insane for a future I wished I had... sanity was in short supply because i never could control that emotional strain that all this dealts to me... Which is why i choose death as an answer to sum it all up...
I was a crackpot... a freak... a madman... insane and crazy... I felt HATE in every vein and muscle so much i thought i had to kill someone and i did... ... To many i guess u would never have guess the night before this could well had been my last night on Earth... When i popped those sleeping pills into my mouth and went to sleep i thought i will never see the light of day...
That near death experience... but for all... dun worry i survived miraculously and i want to share with everyone what death is like...
Death is fear... becuz on that impulse of losing a brother i lost myself... I popped those deadly toxic pills into my mouth and swallowed them... 12 of them yea... 12 for 12 things i regretted i had done... At that moment i wanted to die to embrace death with open arms... wanted to die with style and leave this world and so never be a burden... but after around fifteen minutes I suddenly felt this pain in my stomach... and i told myself... this is death coming... and for that moment not exaggearting at all is that i dun feel like dying... I WAS REALLY SCARED... as i see so many things about death to be afraid about!
I knew if i ignored that stomach pain and slept on i would have died... for by that time the drug had sort of kicked in and my head was heavy my vision was blurring... BUt at that moment when it seemed i was going to sleep eternal... I used every l;ast ounce of my energy and vomitted becuz i felt like vomitting... I vomitted out at least 6 pills or more and by that time i was exhausted and already halfway to collapse.... I wanted so much to vomit out the rest of the pills becuz i told myself with that last breath... 'I dun wanna die...'
But i just couldn't vomit them out those last few pills... and by this time my head was spinning... and darkness glazed my eyes and mind... i wanted to call my parents for help... had done all this secretly but i found this voice telling me if i told them i would be in trouble... so i told myself... lets just sleep becuz i really cannot take it anymore... and really i knocked out... and thought it was... the end...
Woke up in the morning to a concerned fren who called me so many times to see if i was alive... thanks yea... that made me realise i was still alive but though unconcious... only officially woke up at 6pm near 7pm and even then i was still drowsy... Feels so strange to be alive when u are supposed to be dead... feels so weird that if I hadn't vomit and just laid and waited to sleep i could have said sayonara to this world...
What is death like? It's like a dream... a dream so distant and peaceful... as much this may be the last sleep i will ever have... an eternal slumber... i had a great dream though... a dream that i was going out with someone... and it was really happy...
Back to reality again... i just wanna say OMG that i survived and could still tell the tale... I see what death is like... and now i question... to vomit and stomachache what is that? becuz when i researched... sleeping pills dun cause stomachaches and then i came to this conclusion... that maybe sub consciously i didn't wanna die ALOT so at that moment i popped those pills in... my mind rejected it so much it made me feel a stomach pain so i will expel those pills out... it was... my will to LIVE...
Yes i know... to some this tale is so ever dramatic but i am telling the truth of it all... not a single lie or drama... its really the whole thing... just to reject death and chicken out at the last minute... i wonder still... am i weak that i fear death? or is it I am strong enough to fight death?
Like the phoenix rises from the ashes... I died ytd but was given a new life today... Maybe... it was not my time to go afterall... but what of the 'death card' i got from doing tarot reading... I guess it means... the death of something old... and the rise of something new... A big change which is the death card's alternate meaning... Like the phoenix i will rise with this new chance of 50-50 i survived...With a new life... i savour new hope...
There's something i haven been dying to do for so long le...
The End
No comments:
Post a Comment