Sweeping The Dust Of Memories

It's been a real long time since I blogged. Perhaps I always wanted to post something up, yet just simply too lazy to do so; perhaps some things cannot be written down in words. Alas, a lot of things had happened over my blog's long hiatus. Some pleasant while others not as much. But all this is life, just as a friend of mine told me: Life is fair because it is unfair to everyone in it.

I have no idea where to start saying about what has or has not happened. But I know right now, I'm on a mad quest to find myself =X As if losing oneself was ever that easy, let alone the journey to recover it back. I am confused, lost and dazed. There are secrets which I withheld from others, even those dearest to me. There are so many instances when I really just want to talk to someone all about it, but I am just so afraid that people will look at me differently and probably hate me for it. I don't want people to judge me... though the things I did probably deserved to be judged and I ought to ask myself why the hell I even started these things in the first place.

I don't know what is going on in my head anymore. I am distracted my thoughts of people I feared I would. I fear every single day and second whether the previous episode of obsession might surface again. I mean I care... I care about whatever happens next, and I pray to god hoping god would hear... To deliver me from this contrition, and cure me from my ailments. I hope there is someone out there who after listening to my past and all will not judge me as I envision people would. That will give me another chance at living... then at least life might be that much more worth living for.

Right now... I have no single person that I feel comfortable to say these things to. Because I fear of what people would do and say when they hear my story. A story of how people's hearts hold many dark crevices and a tale of someone who struggles to find himself and who fights to retain what he believes in. It is all afterall, an effort to blend into society and to gain acceptance and support.

I am so tired having to think about things all the time. It takes up so much of my energy. Call it a fantasy if you would... All that fantasy just drains u of all your spirit and everything. Like a drug perhaps that is so dangerously addictive yet menancingly fearsome and wrong...

It's Starting To Get Dead Here

As simply as the title implies... I guess this blog might as well proclaimed dead. Many dramatic events had just recently passed by, yet I was really too lazy to blog it all down. For one, I'm still not in NS yet. Yeah... bummer. Instead it has been rescheduled to 3rd of june instead le. I wonder what it truely means... For things all happen for a reason I'm sure... So for now... My days are spent training every single day twice as hard as before so that the delayed enlistment at least suits meaning.

I looked back at some incident of the past and I just wonder what the hell went through my mind at that point of time. Maybe it's just me... but sometimes people do things under weird circumstances that totally defies who they usually are. I start to quiz then which is truely the real person underneath the many onion layers overlying. If history was changed... would it be as it is today? Maybe not necessarily for the worst but also it could be worst. Who knows. (As someone I know said before that... All this is wishful thinking because everyone knows that time cannot be altered)

The stab of a levels results still pricks at me whenever it is brought up. I know Ns and uni would be a new life, but for now it still hurts. =/// Envious of some people... But then, I also can't do much abt it so it is in my heart. In Uni everyone is like so smart, and I start to ponder if I would sink or float. Maybe all my life I have been in a small pond and now I face the ocean. I just know I want to succeed. So I really wish... there would be no more distractions and I can achieve the future of my dreams...

Being Evil Doesn't Pay

So I was inspired by this evil queen who seemed so cool with all the power in the world and the ability to kill anyone without any restraint. But I quickly come to realise that being evil feels bad. I played this realistic rpg game and decided to make evil decisions at every turn and in the end my entire group abandoned me and betrayed me. The person I love in the game was terribly upset with the evil decisions I made and resented me. Though it was a game... It felt so real. At least the feelings were real inside me. I really felt very sad and disappointed in myself. So I've decided that for as long as we live we should never be evil. Even if it means having awesome authority or powers or whatever the case. Maybe we need to reconsider every move we make, becuz the ends might not justify the means as which to reach it.

NS is coming in just a mere 2 days and I am ever so anxious. I have desires and visions of glory and pride. But ever so embarrassed to admit it because everybody would probably laugh at me for having dreams. So I shall tell myself to move on no matter how hard things get. That when the going gets tough I wanna not be tougher but just strong enough to stay alive at all cost. I want to shape an iron will and face fear in the eye. Learn the art of socialising with other people and get a chance to try to prove something. If to make a point you have to go and spend 2 years then so be it. Seriously I'm tired of some ppl and their words of hurt which probably they are unaware that they dish out. But it's okay... becuz they probably dun mean it or thought it affects me but nvm. One day... I'm going to grow up and make the big bucks I dream about and live the dream I have. I always want to be white... the colour that is not influenced by others no matter what. But yet still makes ppl want to put color on it...

Mother of Pearl

Day 2 of utter discomfort... arghh... It's bloated tummy today. Whoopeee... I wonder what illness would be coming tomorrow. I can't wait! NOT!!! zzzzz It's sheer torture to wake up every single day feeling absolutely like dying. Can't sleep well nowadays as I count the remaining days that I have before I go to my seaside-view resort where all the bugs are mutated and the sun is hotter than summer Hawaii. =.=

Really... I have nothing against NS at all. Neither do I hate it nor want to bail on it. It's just that, as the days grow ever so near I can't help having my intestines all knoted up and my hyperactive imagination surely does not help to alleviate the symptoms. I wonder if I am emotionally, physically and mentally fit to enter into this phase called NS T.T I'm constantly surrounded by female friends... so NS probably would be an extreme change of scenery. Think a polar bear in the middle of the Kalahari desert and that would give you a rough idea. =/=

Ok... but let's try to solve one challenge at a time. I want to solve the physcial challenge first and that starts off with the bio-clock. I really need to rid myself of insomnia and sleep early. Get used to the daily wake up early and go to bed early routine, and not this late-night owl rountine which I've been currently adopting. I need to beef up my immune system so that I dun keep getting sick everyday like I am now... hai...

I wish it wouldn't have came so soon... becuz I thought i was ready... But I'm still scared afterall... =X

Sick and Sick Again...

Just recovered from a high fever and I find myself waking up to a new ailment today. I wonder what is with my weak constitution nowadays. Today I woke up feeling dizzy somehow. When I close my eyes I literally feel the world spinning around me and it made me incredibly nauseaus as I felt that I was getting sea sick on land. To make matters worst, on my own bed.

I had my breakfast of a chicken burger bought yesterday. I thought it tasted a little sour but just dismissed it. But never did I know it would be a costly price to pay. About an hour after that breakfast I started feeling more nauseaus than ever. I started taking trips to the bathroom to puke for I felt terrible. I tried sleeping but then when I close my eyes the world would spin and I felt all the more like vomitting. I felt extremely uncomfortable and the worst was as much as I had this feeling of disgust I was also feeling hungry. But whatever I ate I puked... So no point eating. I just felt immensely horried =/////

I wonder what is with my body these days. I get sick so easily. And my ailments neverending. After recovering from an illness I find myself in a new one. It's as if I'm going to go through all the sickness in one big rollercoaster ride. A flu, a cold, a cough, nauseau and now food poisoning. I dare not think what is to come next for me... I really feel so sick... =X

Counting The Days to Come

It's a long time since I last posted anything. Would consider this a dead blog if not updating now. Times are moving rather quickly now. No... perhaps time had always moved as it does now. But when big things are impending it always gives people this delusion. It's almost time to fulfill my patriotic duty. Which somehow starts to give me knots in the belly. I was thinking maybe NS isn't going to be as great as I expected.

I mean sure, they have seaside views and three meals catered for. There would also be constant lookout to ensure you are safe and in order... etc etc But let's face facts that these are no accomodations for a first class beach resort. No! They are rather the shackles of my freedom at least for the next two years, and my trip away from home. Something which I wished for but is now getting nervous to have my wish come true.

The dramatics of life I suppose. A neverending lineup of 'extraordinary' events of a storybook titled the laughs and sobs of zhaomian. I'm starting to train for NS now... Quite happy I've released some shackles of my own body. And yes... I've managed to lose some of those stubborn pounds, but nevertheless that in itself is a neverending war I wage with my biochemistry.

I've been getting feelings of dread as we grow older. It's as if life such got a whole lot complicated as we get to choose our futures. Things used to be set up for us to step on. But now times have changed. Lose out on the scholarship applications and you may very well condemn your own dreams. Choose the wrong course, and hell hath no fury for the lost soul. I have to make so many decisions in so little time. Of course I understand everyone is going through the same. But I still feel like a kid, still too young to take that first step to chart my destiny.

I'm shyly admitting that I still play with toys and imagine fighting scenes with magicks and such. Things people probably moved on already. I also watch cartoons and laugh at them. I really feel like I have two faces. The face of a child when I play with my toys and talk to my plushies, and the face of a man when I interact with people in the 'adult' and social circle.

Whatever it is... This ordeal that is to come. An ordeal called NS... I count the days to come and had even dreamt of its arrival. Perhaps it's just that I've been thinking too much about it... But whatever the case, this rite of passage to become a man as the ministry of defense calls it... No matter what I feel about it... I know it will come one day... and very soon indeed. May the night still be young for I wish for a dream I had yesterday... to continue on like a mini saga of my own making... good night

WAR!!!

I am here to declare war on my fats. zzzzz When i look at my facebook pictures my eyes burn. LITERALLY burn up like paper in a stove. I look so fat for god's sake. =.= I seriously I ask myself why and why a thousand times how I ended myself up in the same plight that was inflicted upon me a few years ago. I swore to god then that this horrible disease by fire it be PURGED. yet today... I find myself in yet another familiar scenario. Feeling my own fats in my body is probably the worst thing that I can ever feel. It's as deadly as feeling a tumour on your body each and every single day. And it is just as toxic to the mind and self-esteem as with that of bullimia and depression. Oh my god horrible horrible disease to mankind. Selfish now I am... But why can't god just make our bodies excrete out the excess fats so that we may live a more happy and joyful life... arghhh.... the rigours of living and the pain of reality.

How now brown cow???? I am dead jealous of the obscenely thin and people with blackholes for stomachs. Feel like taking a knife and cutting out all the adipose so that I may free myself from my prison-like body. Sometimes even feel like drinking dettol so that some sort of hydrolysis reaction may hydrolyse away all my fats. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sanity is in short supply in my head when the topic of the fats comes to my head. Like a mongoose and snake. We're sworn enemies, enemies to the blood and of the soul. With what sanity I have i hate. With all in me i try to expel. It's like fighting a demon that takes over you every single day.

The horror. THE HORROR. The curse is back. and there is only one way to eliminate this awful curse. To have a fairytale ever after and to rid my world of all that is purely evil. Where thou art thou the miracle to my problems and the god to my rescue in the darkest of hours. The deadly impacts of obesity on the mind. It pains me to no end to see myself as well as the other accursed ones afflicted by this terrible curse. I used to be such a quiet and shy kid. But when i finally said bye bye to the fast one day i opened up like a butterfly from a chrysalis. And today I find myself caccooned up slowly again by that nuiance of a substance. The bane of this world. The terrorist to my social life.

Oh no... Now how now brown cow? Tell me how? I wanna declare war again. And this time NVR EVER NVR EVER am I going to fall into the honey trap of this evil spirit again. Never ever do i want to put myself through weightloss programmes becuz they are a living hell to speak off. These are the true evils of the world today. More serious than the terrorists, more serious than the many deadly viruses. Maybe less than the apocalypse. But still a BIG problem. ARGHHH I HATE U!!! NEVER HATED SOMETHING SO MUCH!!! Becuz u are a wrecker of human lives. My LIFE namely!!!!