If Only 'If Onlys' Exist

Life is full of paths and decisions to make... Everytime you choose a path you are met with new paths... For every moment that you pause and think... Time just flows away; For every moment that you pause and remember... Memories just flash past you like a film in black and white; every moment spent thinking and wondering... what would have happened if only... I did that instead... ...

Sunlight struck my room door today... Like a key to the door of of darkness and dilemma... I have a door... Wish someone will unlock it =X. To every path that i take I find a door, that snaps shut behind you once u enter... So many what ifs in my head... so many if onlys that I shld have taken... =(

Sometimes wish I was more like everyone else... dun want to be so obtuse... I wanna be the average Tom, Dick and Harry... Really wish... My grades weren't that good... Wish my brain was less active... wish I was not a worrier... Wanna fail an exam... that's easy... But whenever I wanna do it... I just can't make myself... I can just leave a question completely blank you know... But dunno why... something stirs inside me that asks me... ' WTH are you doing? '

What am i thinking? Frankly I dunno... Just know I keep asking myself nowadays... What is that feeling anyways? Why do i feel it... That feeling that feels so right and so wanting... yet in reality I only see reflections of the darkest side of human nature... Destruction, hatred, jealousy and malign... I want answers... I want solutions... I want someone whom I can talk to... Someone who can understand how I feel, someone who can keep it real, someone who knows the way... ... Because I'm lost... ... Where are you... ? I ask myself every night before I sleep with a void so deep and a voice yet raspy...

If only... I had done this, if only I had done that... Life for me is full of regrets and sins... that I have to find one day to repent and rebuild... I am happy now...? That is not the answer, that is the question, and the answer is... the question... oxymoronic... ironic and paradoxic... Fates like that... My life's like that... In everything I see the nature... In every person I see the same... If only 'if only' exists... =X

I remember so well the things that go by... the touching things, the sad things, the happy and the angry... Would u remember it as well as I do? I treasure every second like it was the last... Am I a good company? I wonder... maybe I am? maybe I'm not? I'm not the one to decide... just wish that everything I do people around me will be happy... ... So what's with the dramatic expression that people say of me? =( That's just a facade to try to bring that smile on you guy's face... because I truely hate making people sad and unhappy... ... I'm sorry... ...

A beautiful sunset today... how glorious how hopeful... And I wish that... with that intensity and light... tmr will be a better day finally... =(