Confessions Of A Teenage Drama King-No Longer

I still wonder why... everday the facts I try so hard to drill into myself... The fact of life is unfair... The fact that my bro doesn't feel the same anymore... The fact that no one will believe me... And the fact that no one will understand me, because only I myself will understand myself...

I can't... ... I can't really voice out much if it would cause that much unhappiness... That unhappiness stems from the fact that it is a contagious plaque and whoever spreads it is a sinner... I'M SERIOUSLY NOT HAPPY... ... =((( And not because angry or because of all these facts... I just dun feel happy anymore... ... But then... I remember someone says... 'You unhappy you come find me. Then when I XXX I come find who? YOU? zzzz :@' Yea who am I kidding? Who will truely help other people when they need to help themselves... I wanna tell myself I have value in this world... Yet everyday with each passing moment I feel my existence fade into the background and my worth plummet like a stockmarket crash.

I wonder... though if anyone cares... ? =( Because I feel myself sinking and I can't get up... Only thing holding me onto this world is rapidly dissociating... And I know my bro is probaby mad at me... I screwed his test... And when the moment comes... and I feel so absolutely horrible... I wanted to screw my bio test so that I can feel the same pain... Yet he got madder... T.T But my mind is set... Let's screw... ... Not because for him only... but also because... I feel this is of no value... that even if I failed... it won't matter? And winnie... you can finally win... Infact I'll let you win everything now... I'm so tired with life... Because... when I truely wanted to work for something all my life... I was passionate and above all an optimist but things changed... as I find myself sobbing to a pillow every night asking god if he would hear... ...

And I wanna hide at home... and never come to school again... But I feel so much better in school... because it is home where all the acting begins... when I have to act like nothing is wrong when my whole life is wrong...and it's the single MOST horried feeling when you have to pretend nothing is wrong... T.T At least in school I can feel sad and dun need to be a superb actor... Friends... ... I feel like an outcast.... ... Sometimes...dun be so good to me... Just leave me alone... Becuz I feel so uneasy when I feel so worthless yet you all still treat me like that... =(

I wanna shun away from everyone.... and my nature pushes me to find people to seek help... my dependency... but after today... and what happens to my bro... I am more than convinced I am a jinx... ... suicidal thoughts plaque me everyday... How carbon monoxide toxicity interests me so much when Dr Gan says it is that lethal and fast... ... I feel my appetite failing everyday... I dunno why... ... But I feel so full yet I wanna eat so much and end up vomitting late in the night when everyone is asleep... when my weird feasting begins late at night...

I look into the mirror... And I dun recognise the new me... ... I'm a pathetic soul and I am not just thinking that up... I feel like starving myself to death... Or maybe just something I can do to gain people's attention... because I feel so alone... and I am feeling so unhappy... and upset...

I'm sorry bro... If u are ever reading this... ... I wish I could die too... maybe just walk down a road and get hit by a car... Or get a heartattack and just roll over and die... I wanna die so much... Never felt this way before... ... I still see our past and I shudder... and feel cracks in my already hollowed heart... How you can forget everything...

I feel hatred... For my life and everything in it... I hate my family... I hate my friends... I hate the pain... I hate the unfairness... and I hate myself above all... Everything is my fault... My fault... And the only person i dun feel hate is my bro... ... I feel indebted... I ask myself why I have to do so much faults...

I shout in silence like a mute... SAVE ME SAVE ME!!! But I only hear myself like an echo in the distant wind... ... Won't anyone believe me... and make me feel... ...

There is something worth living for... and not myself... becuz I am worthless...

A Piece Of Self-pity

I wonder... why life is so unfair... No argument there? It is a fact that life is and always will be unfair... ... When you work super extra hard for something your heart truely desires so much.... and in the end you see what you work so hard for in the eyes of other people who dun even do much about it... Sucks... ...

Some people are so blessed... One person in particular... I envy so much you know... That why can you have everything I dun have? U can have romance, a best friend, people who believe you, fitness, a family warm enough to go home to and awesome grades... But I look at myself... and feel so empty... ... Why? WHY? Where did I ever go wrong that you can have everything while I have only a pathethic grades to hang onto only... and grades and academics this sort of thing.... It's dead you know... =((( And I watch with a heart so sore... as you are so happy with each passing day... yet I wallow in sorrow and loneliness...

You have what I wished for the most... What I worked so hard for... What I love and value more than anything in the world... but why do u still complain? =( I see myself in you... and I feel ashamed of my past and u should feel utterly ashamed... I swear I will never look down on anyone ever again... and if someone ever truely have dreams that sound absurd I won't ever think of laughing... Becuase i finally truely understand the value... the value of hardwork and the amount of heart u put into wishing everyday... that the seed of hope you plant will blossom with enough effort and patience...

I feel really ashamed... as I finally understand all my life... how bad I must have made people felt... Whenever I get good grades but still complain about them... I see myself within your pain and I felt what death is like... to the bystanders... Perhaps you will never feel anything but just say 'too bad'... But when you are the one who puts in all your heart believing you can make something out of yourself and fail... It really feels like your life is of misfortune because other people like me... still get all the good grades despite only studying so lightly...

Dun laugh or mock people in your heart... Because people need you to believe in them... no matter how nonsensical... let's believe in them... because... I can tell u... how sad it is when the whole world... don't believe a word you say... and see you as a madman who is over emotional... ... Believe in someone that will add value to their lives... even if maybe my life is so worthless now... If I can make people believe in themselves when they never dared did...

Stepping stones to success... are inevitable... as survival of the fittest dictates... the winner steps ontop of the losers... where there will be a first there will be a last... But I learnt a painful lesson to never ever complain... Because... empathise yea... how other people feel... must have sucked... and I suck more... I'm so shallow... whenever I used to miss a mark to a perfect score I would almost cry... Goodbye... that part of my life... I just wanna be a common folk...

I dun want anything anymore... ... I just want my brother back... =((( Nothing matters that much anymore... Because... all my life... I never felt warmth of a family within my own home... even in school I jumped... from clique to clique... I never felt a sense of belonging or truely important... And somehow... bro... u made me feel what i never had... outside my home for the first time...

I remember... When I first felt that feeling of best friends... I went around telling all my friends so excited like a little boy... 'HEY HEY I FINALLY HAVE A BEST FRIEND!!! XD And he always will forever be... =)' Hurts my soul to remember... And now... my bro disowns me... I ask myself... what else am i worth? when my bro, my family... gave up on me... who else is there? Because I genuinely feel something inside disappeared... and I can't live on...

It feels as though u are the only thing holding me on to this life now... and with the breakage of this point... I see no meaning in living anymore... ... =( I'm truely pathetic... ...

I just wish... I can do something for u... so that u will see me as a friend like before... wish I could die for u... if that will make u feel... =(

Blanked...

I know I should be busy studying away now... ... In fact this is my second post in one day... Just feel so blank and down... Like I am trapped in some dark brooding depression... Can't seem to focus on homework because my attention span seems miraculously short-lived... Feel like doing nothing and just thinking... and thinking... and thinking... ... Thinking about nothing... ...

Feel kinda bitter inside... A mild prick perhaps and a gapping hole somehow... Things seem bleak now... maybe life is bleak too... ... Can't seem to find back something I lost... Can't seem to see ahead and see a nice future... only a cold and dark future... ... Dark clouds are gathering over me specifically... I seem to be a magnet for disaster...

Feel like talking and venting... yet I'm so tired to repeat every single thing... when I have been repeating it to myself... for the dunno how many tens of times... seriously can someone truely really understand what is this I am feeling? Is this all in the mind and self-made? I dunno... but feelings are true... at least it is real for me...

What the hell is wrong you know? It's just so dark... and everyone is so busy with stuffs... and I dun blame them... but wallowing in the sadness and loneliness alone... i feel so depressed... As days pass I doubt my own worth everyday... if truely I am a valuable asset to this world or just redundant as in... worthless... to anyone...

You know the saddest part of it all... ... or maybe the saddest plight anyone can ever end up is when... when no one in this world including yourself dun make u feel valuable. And to add it all up... ... feelings of non-belonging creeps up my soul again... and I am dashed at the very fact... I feel I have no family members anymore...

How much one's worth.... is not how much one can bring to the future... it is how much people around you make you feel that value... ... And I feel worthless... ... =((

I wonder... if I am gone one day... will anyone truely feel something important lost? T.T

I Just Need To Vent Because No One Is Around Now

Why are you sad again... ? =( I thought you expected it didn't you? Or was it you just bluffed yourself that you didn't know? T.T Why do you wanna cry? I thought you said... you wouldn't anymore? What is it you really hurt about? Tell me yea? =X Don't just feel so sad... ... it's so unhealthy you know... ... Do you really care so much... ... that it really hurts you this much...? =((

Just you know... ... It's no fair place for comparison... so dun always take it so personally... and blame yourself over everything... You're not superman... I know... it really sucks... when you are feeling so worthless... and you feel the whole world... dun value you anymore... I mean yea... the world is so big... what makes you so special? Yet to you you know... you are your own world... and always rememeber that... ... the most important person in the world to you is always yourself... ... =((( So dun feel so dejected... ...

What's your worth? A piece of gold or some piece of shit? Why do I feel... ... like I have not much worth... Overestimated myself... ...

Zhao Mian who do you think you are? When you see yourself so unhappy and depressed and always say this line: I really am happy for them... just I am sad for myself... =(( Dun be sad... ... though as I tell you dun be... my heart hurts so bad too... because I am you... ... ... ... Dun be so sad... for yourself... please... ... ... ...

Just as I see every parting moment... ... And go off alone... plus I try so hard... to gain acceptance and to fulfill a promise probably only I remember... My heart breaks in all directions... And cry my pillow wet all just feeling sad for... myself... ...

Why am I so worthless? I really wish... ... ... ... ... ...

I was more worthy... ... =(((

Rendezvous Dazed

Been seeing so many love stories recently this year... Comments: It's hard to believe people you know can get dunked into the river of love or get shot by cupid's arrow when it sort of never occurs to u... I mean friends joke around you know... about love and stuff... But it's always jokes... and all and plain old teasing of course... But when you realise things are more serious now... Just kind of taken aback and a bit hesitant... but of course happy for the new couples... Takes time to accept changes in your life I guess...

I wonder... If BGRs do us any good... or even this multi-dictionary-meaning of 'love'... If there was just this science fiction world where people were all just pure friends and all... I wonder if the world would be a better place? o.O But how would people reproduce then? asexually I suppose... LOL.

Kinda disgusted by BGRs and love after somewhat some experiences and things I see around me... I just feel when people are in love... Change seems inevitable... But to be in a relationship one day and look into a mirror and see myself from now... I wonder... If I could embrace such change with an open mind and of course an open heart... I really dunno >.<

But as much down in luck I am in love... I wish every couple or budding relationship be happy yea... As much mindless zombies of love sick people become... I see them exude a burst of new happiness I have never seen before... Dun think so much yea? I guess people who change are happy? =X

I accept it... as much as I am disgusted... at least people are happy and I see my friends so glad... Maybe love's not such a bad thing afterall... If not for it... I guess... I won't even be in this world now despising it... lol

For now... no BGRs for me... Just holding out my hand for that someone to hold back one day... Waiting and wishing everytime I see u... that will today be the day?

I promised since long ago... no matter what... or how tired my hand is I will extend it for you... Just waiting for you to extend yours one day... ... I wait... and wish it was today everyday...

Hang Over

In the midst of it all I can't believe I still have the time to blog... Ask me what's wrong? Frankly I have no clue... Just feel so heavy everyday like some dark cloud constantly looms over me... Wish I could talk to someone... But so tired of repeating everything all over again... I rather stay mute to myself... Feels like I am a madman in other people's eyes... Yet... now i rather choose to be a mute in people's eyes... ...

Those moments in school when I just suddenly feel this overwhelming state of blankness or periods when I just wanna emo and dun speak at all... I wonder... what's up? A chill wind blows... and I shiver... constantly reminded of the pain of losing what once was close... and now facing one other gaining what's lost... I can't do anything you know... =(

sadly I can't... but only bear mute witness... ... I wonder if in the silence of me.... You'll notice me fading into the background or the rain pouring just over my head... Feel blank and somehow when I thought I was lonely... as days pass by I feel even more lonely... Dun wanna talk to anyone about this anymore... Won't spread anything too... as promised... Feel like I'm drifitng... Drifitng till I can finally land firm... A wind blown seed searching for fertile soil to bear roots... Because truth is... for some reason dun feel like I belong to anywhere anymore... just feel like going into solitude for awhile... ... Just wanna be all alone and emo during breaktimes... because I feel so blank and thoughts fly past so fast I dun even remember what i thinking afterward...

Feel like dissociating from my life and the people for awhile... Because I feel like being alone and gloomy... Don't wanna spread it anyways... =( So i rather I am the one to isolate myself... Perhaps being alone will do me some good too... Maybe I am a life wrecker... Feel so tired everyday in the heart... But alas one thing that makes me hang on so convicted... I give up... don't wanna act hero anymore... at least for now... I just want a peaceful and plain quiet life...

I give up voicing because... No one cares and trusts... I wanna talk but I am so tired of repetition... I wanna be a mute... Searching for a matter to stopper that bleeding heart and gapping wound... ... Wallowing in the moonlight...

Anecdotes

Days of stories past... days of present linger... days of future imploration... Inspiration for indecision... I wish upon a wishing star... Far far away in the cosmos... If I could have my little wish granted and I would be grateful... When anger dissolves and denial stockpiles... I stare at life with a frost glazed eye. I wonder... of everyone... I wonder to myself... if sometimes some ridiculous tale will make adherents of realism believe... and accept...

I feel alone... and lonely... Cold as ice in ink black space... Gravitating from planet to planets... I wonder... when is it I will finally land on a place for me to stay... If only in this time of darkened emotions and ever-solemn mindset... I find someone to reach out and pour out this wish... If only friends will believe my tall tales... if only truths were not so inconvenient...

I see change in people I know... And I feel so distant... That how old times i reminisce... And appreciate the existence... to only see morphism in the face of new chapters in life... Trudging on on the path to life and its mysteries... My back getting heavier... My eyes much drier... Perhaps a foresight not so far...? A heart with stiches, glitches and fissures... I see the pain within my soul... I hate the change I see... Yet see the old in change and hold on... Because... as much as things changed and feelings gained and lost... Somehow... my convictions never changed... maybe wavered but never forgotten...

I try with might as tiny as nebula... To forge a genesis and to forgo the past... I yearn to convince the bulk of golden friendships... yet fearing the redress of the innocence of one so eye nailed... But with the littlest hope... I pray with every nebula and million nebulae... a glittering star will form... With debris apart and anecdotes told... perhaps by chance a glimmering hope...

I can't do much... thought slight translation... A quiver in the heart and a bandaged heart...

If only... someone will believe me... because I really tell the truth of what I see... =(((

EXTREMELY ANGRY (ARGHHH!!!)

Warning... this is going to be a super duper angry, annoyed, vexed, frustrated, fiert, offensive, negative, explosive, attacking, and SUPER SARCASTIC post... ...

GOSH!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I Was THE VICTIM U KNOW!!! The victim... Feel so damn ^&%#&#@ NOW!!! GOing to use so many languages that are so coarse I never EVER use them until THINGS like this are just a serious SUPER duper PAIN in tHE ASSHOLE!!! I mean TALK ABOUT HYPOCRITES!!! WHen u thought perhaps u KNOW that u are a person of masks so dun expect ppl to be such an OPEN BOOK!!! But REALLY LA!!! WHAT IS THIS!!! FOOLED ME FROM THE START!!!

And U NEED NOT EVEN raise a single finger and EVERY thing GOES YOUR WAY LA... Fucking FAIRNESS!!! WHERE's The justice SIA!!! GOD if u existed!!! U bloody MIA sia!!! See me GET TRICK ALSO NEVER GIVE ME A HINT!!! I NEVER EXPECTED THIS!!! I NEVER... SO MUCH EVIL THOUGHTS in my mind that i wanna employ for ULTIMATE VENGEANCE!!!! But I tell myself I WON"T WILL NOT EVER GO TO THAT LOW LEVEL and plot and scheme u know... AT LEAST i know the meaning of KNOW THE LIMITS!!!!

GEESSSHHHH!!! U KNOW THAT I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED... That All these years of my ENTIRE LIFE... I never doubted people so much and WHAT U DO NOW... THANKS VERY MUCH AH!!! THANKS AH (SUPER SARCASTIC HERE SUPER DUPER FREAKIN SARCASTIC FYI) for teaching me this valuable lesson THAT PEOPLE OF YOUR CALIBRE I WILL SHUN FAR FAR AWAY... U know what I CANNOT STAND THE MOST? THat is that NO ONE U KNOW!!! NO ONE WILL EVER BE BELIEVE ME!!!!

Becuz I am always the bad guy! I am the outspoken one who picks on people... YET WHY ONLY I SEE THOSE THINGS HAPPENING!!!!? WHY ONLY ME!!! If I had some SOLID EVIDENCE I WILL SHOW IT TO THE world SO PEOPLE WILL FINALLY FUCKING BELIEVE ME!!! Wah u go Hollywood la... I surrender becuz I can never win u... with your superb acting... INFACT SO good that until now I tell ppl PPL ALSO HARDLY TAKE A WORD I SAY... Becuz people just think I am OUT TO GET U!!!

U STOLE FROM ME!!! U STOLE something I PUT IN SO MUCH EFFORT U KNOW!!!? U KNOW OR NOT? K N O W KNOW!!! KNOW!!! KNOW!!? What is effort it is to sacrfice EVERYTHING U know even your future and all your time and money even ALL GO DOWN TO MY FIRST TIME EFFORT!!! YEt nothing compares to your doing nothing sia... NOTHING AT ALL... FUCK LA GOD!!! FUCK LA MY LIFE... WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS peice of CRAP and dump in front of me... Go die la... I can't do anything... CURSE U ALSO CANNOT... CURSE U SO WHAT? REVENGE SO WHAT? IT's HAPPENED...

BUT U KNOW WHAT IS THE SINGLE thing I HATE the most... IT IS THAT NO ONE BELIEVES ME and think I am the hypocrite... YES YES i DID SOME MISTAKES SOMETIMES.... AND probably portrayed MYSELF THAT WAY... BUT... PLZ LA I BEG EVERYONE PLZ LA T.T BELIEVE ME SIA... I admit I dun even know I am going berserk or not... BUt I KNOW I FEEL SO VICTIMISED and I WANNA TELL THE WHOLE WORLD... JUST DOES THE WORLD BELIEVE ME OR NOT?

Ms HUANG was like saying... u know... that... someone wrote in essay... once bitten twice shy... but what if once bitten U DIE!!! I DIE LIAO LA... KILLED BY U U SILENT KILLER... GO DIE BACKSTABBING HYPOCRITICAL FUCKING BITCH SLUT ASSHOLE!!! Worst thing was I die liao I DUN EVEN KNOW!!! I am a ghost now... who just realised I was killed... And now i wanna find MY OWN BODY!!! But its all too late my body decomposed liao... I am a ghost and no ONE CAN HEAR ME!!!! HEAR ME SCREAM REDRESS!!!

Plz la... I HATE U SO MUCH NOW... I wanna strangle u to death if IT WAS LEGAL... YET ITS ILLEGAL SO CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY... I dun believe u will go unnoticed... sooner or later someone will see u as i see u too... THEN ppl will know I AM NOT LYING... If heavean does have a fucking eye or something heavean will watch u and make sure u get your just desserts!!!! SWEET SOUR TANGY DESSERT!!! U dark and ominous being... YOUR HOLLOW SOUL DROWNS IN YOUR SINS... NOW U FEEL WHAT DEATH IS LIKE!!! I CONDEMN U!!!! FOR ETERNITY IN MY HEART... I CONDEMN U!!!!!

I hate u with a fire red... an ICY blue... an ENVIOUS green and an OUTRAGEOUS ORANGE!!! WHY SIA... WHY U WANNA STEAL... IF I NEVER GAVE U THE OPPORTUNITY and opened the door the wolf also cannot come in... YEA I KNOW I AM STUPID AND DUMB... BUT NEXT TIME... NO MORE!!!! I HATE U!!!! I HATE U TO THE VERY CORE... BUT U KNOW WHAT? TWo can play the acting game... I will not tell u HOW MUCH I HATE U IN REAL LIFE... I Will still ACT like NOTHING HAS HAPPENED... SO that i can be close enough to u to see your DOWNFALL one day and have the FINAL LAUGH!!!

won't anyone... plz believe me? plz... =(((

Just Feel So...

I wonder... with a mind so deep in thought... As I listen to a song that brings wrinkles to the heart... As I hear and see everything around me... And the feelings I feel everyday... ... I wonder... with a mind so blank... As I think of what I am writing now... Look out of the window and see the sky... ... I wonder... if someone up there can hear me... ... I wonder... if.... if... the wind will convey you my message because I miss you... But my mum says when someone goes away they will never come back... ... They will be some place you will never find them until... one day its time for you to go there... ...

I wonder... ... with a lonely and inquisitive heart... as I worry of tommorow like there's no the day after... If I will ever find someone who will remind me as much as you do... ... I grew up while you were 'away'... no longer the spoilt kid from last time... I told you... I would be successful one day... but you said... I'll never with a smile... I know you were joking... because... you believed me more than I believed in myself... ...

Those times when I was just a little boy... we always played together... and everytime you will bring me new stuff to play... I miss those days... ... Yet... no one seems to talk about you anymore... as I am guilty... No one talks about you anymore... I wonder... if you can see me get all those As in my exams just as you believed I would one day... ... I have great friends... And I love them just as you showed me friends are more than family sometimes... ...

I wonder... If you feel lonely... And if you still remember me? I await that day when I'll visit you someday when I grow old... and tell you all the stories I cumulated so long... I bet you can't wait for me to tell you all about it... We can take the whole of our next lives and I'll tell you... ... I promise... Sister has grown to be more like a woman now... though kinda find her irritating... ...

Dandelions will bring wishes yea? I blow and hang on and see those white fluffy stuff go to the sky I make so many wishes... Now... hey... life is dull and sad... But I guess what makes me so special yea? Because as I see things happen around me I kinda take it all to heart... And ask myself... what I done wrong? Now... just wanna help someone... If you would just allow me please? Wanna offer some aid... becuz I wanna do it more than I would myself... Each day as I slip further and further from what i was holding on... ... My heart trembles... ...

I know we will meet one day... ... Sis seems to have forgotten about you and accepted someone else... But I won't yea... ... I listen to what you said... Plucked a dandelion ( though I am not sure if what i plucked was one...) and blew hard into it until every last white thing has blown out... You said it will make wishes come true... And I wish... ... I can render my help to someone I love...

A subtle wind blows and things get blown away... But always... always... always... ... hang on when you are about to slip... ... can you hear me? =(

Three Deeds Re-Visited

Three deeds... mentioned earlier prior to doomsday... ... Three deeds accomplished... Three deeds sealed...

One to prove mastery and restore forgotten honour for someone lost...
One to heal scars and regain the glory...
and...
One to make the legacy of a certain someone who left live on...

Time to reveal each task... and reveal each wish... Starting from the very first whose identity is that of math common test... To prove my worth as a teacher for someone whom I spent timeless hours spent trying to make better and putting in all my heart to believe... Accomplished that goal... So I guess... I proved my worth... and mastery and reiterate my worth once more... somehow... hey thanks yea.... and sorry too... =( At least this gives me the power to wanna try again... =X

Second is a bandage to heal the wounds of a hurt confidence... Once bitten twice shy... But this time though not really very well done... chemistry was good i guess... So I bandaged my own wound and regained my chemistry confidence somehow... Going to aim for top again =)

Third... a sad story... The departure of mdm sim my respected biology teacher... I disappointed u during your last period with us... Just passed every single test and gave you empty promises one after another... I know... u must be so disappointed becuz J1 A was the only grade I was getting but come to J2 things changed... =( This time Bio common test I got A yea Mdm Sim =) I hope you are proud again yea... I miss your teachings... And I promise I will make your spirit and legacy live on and show the other classes mdm sim is the best bio teacher i promise... XD

End of three promises... three accomplished... I prospect the very origin and set off from the threshold... Ended up at the point of all beginnings... Only to understand... everything is a cycle...

My heart stirs today... ... But I hushed myself... ... ... ... Everything changed... Everyone changed... Only... ME...

Fragments of Past Tense Pt 2: 2/2=1

As time goes by... these memories stored... begin to pile to form a sphere... A sphere so round, symmetrical... a sphere so shiney, darkned core... A sphere to hold 2 hemispheres... 2 hemispheres of different peers... Reunite the missing link, a bridge is formed, and frenship keep... Lackluster and lustrous oxymoronic... a sphere so dull... yet pure as pearl, forever written... forever heard... for in this darkest time of need ...a lustrous sphere... a darkened sphere... fused to form a genesis...

Of course I immediately made them drop that idea... as they were obviously going down the wrong direction haha... -.- Love him as a friend... in this case BEST FRIEND XD... They were all damn curious of who this mystery guy was but I told them chance will allow them to meet him one day if they lucky that is... hee

Well... days of dry waiting changed when that day came... Night before I was still quite excited though haha that tmr was going to be the day... Just one thing is... I had no idea when he was gonna touchdown... morning? afternoon? night? Well I betted on 6pm in the evening and like sent msg then... He said he had so 'touched down'... Quite joyous cuz I thought initially I so ZHUN msged him just as he came back... But later PUI... when he say he actually touchedown like in the wee hours of morning... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz made me excited for nothing... But nontheless happy he was back... =)))))))))))

Anxious to hear his tales of Korea hhx (By the way... 'HHX' = hao hao, xiao something he invented and I learned to use too =D) and whether he managed to get XXX... Well in the end he just brought chocs... lots of them which was delicious of course... haha... as he said too his taste good one =P So chatted at night on MSN how to pass XXX to someone... and after that went to sleep with well you could say a satisfied feeling... NExt day came as a surprise... When I onlined in the early morning and he was actually there and asked me... If i wanted to go school study...

To speak the truth rule no. 1... Zm never studies out of home... But I agreed haha... cuz kinda wanna interact with my best friend and i didn't want him to lonely and feel rejection =) It turned out quite fun too haha... We studied though I kinda distracted him with lots of horoscope stuff about aries, capricorns and libras HHX And then had lunch and he told me find someplace good to eat since I was the 'floorhead' there... Got him to try the Nasi Lemak at Boonlay Market but he said my taste was bad... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz -.- "'

Soon started going to school study on a regular basis and I looked forward to it... Though I could not really concentrate and study in school I enjoyed the process... I took it as a bonding session everytime! Well... heard one day of a story of a poor capricorn and some related probs... And I guess... I tried to help but ended up making things worst... I actually went to tag something on that capricorn's blog... I got so guilty I told him... and he sort of angry... And I really sad and so disappointed with myself... I told him... 'I'm so extremely sorry shun... I know u will never forgive me becuz I can never forgive myself... I will... inorder to show u how sorry i am... Delete my own blog... T.T'

To be continued...

Fragments of Past Tense Pt 1: The Awakening

Fragments of the memory bound to keep... refreshing insights read and weep... What forgotten now revented... May the fragments rejoin and rekeep...

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For in this hour of darkened flare... Sunk to bottom held so dear... Resist errosion of time and space... A cry so silent in the dark... Shattered dreams of smitherines... I see myself within your pain... For again the hour of darkened flare... pass the fire thus ignition... awaken dormant cells neurotic... Let us see, let us hear... let us... witness things so clear... Let us unlock the binded sun... Let this bondage be undone... ...

Let us visit memories deep... let this memory now released... ... ... ... ... ...

A trip was planned for 6 yet strangely in the weirdest of scenarios there were only 3 left. Decided to move on and continue the trip. Watched a scary movie. He spoke of someone dear to him... about his worries of that person in trouble. Did not treat the question seriously initially but then in the end I guess I did. Didn't think much of it... But haha never thought he would have such a 'soft' side too hee hee... Left an impression of him in me... Didn't really noticed him even though we had been working together under so many projects... Ironic of course...

The next night went online when I was bored and I saw him... I guess no one else was there to talk to... So for the first time I said hi and asked about that someone haha... Had a few laughs and started to well know him... but then again memories vague now but knew we enjoyed the chat... probably because both of us no one else to chat with also haha... As days went by we chatted daily on MSN... Starting to enjoy it... I guess he was the first male friend I treated well much like a good friend within a short duration of days... Heard his chronicles of interacting with that someone... Haha gotta admit I was smiling to myself when he said those things. But yea I tried to give advice about things I know about girls... Hope it helped... Started spending more time online and looking forward to each chat... First time top scholar go online so frequently too haha... That's a first. Exchanged blog links with him... Quite honoured to have gained access to his blog and first impression of his blog was it was damn cool haha...

Of course inquisitive nature made me explore his blog links and I sorta knew his friends through there though on the surface. Seems he was an interesting guy too... Weird maybe... But funny too... And then it was the time for him to go overseas to Korea the land of kimchi. Said our goodbyes,I remembered I was in school doing banni study duty then and he was packing things at home... We both prayed that someone will rmb his departure yet sadly... When the moment came when I was drafting my farewell msg to him and sending to ppl to make sure send at actual departure time he suddenly messaged me and told me his departure was made early and he leaving already and that that someone never responded... Knew he was sad and I felt worst... I guess that was the first time I cried for someone, when I never even cried for myself at all then... Felt anger and sadness... didn't know what to say... just could say hope he cheers up and I will miss him lots and lots while he was away... Felt sad afterward but I knew he went Korea also on a mission to get XXX as I adviced haha...

His departure marked the awakening of something in me... For everynight while he was away I wondered to myself how he was... Felt lonely for the very first time... I remembered several occasions when I will come online and stay all night wandering aimlessly in cyberspace... feeling so empty... It was a fact I guess that I missed him a lot... Never thought it would be that bad... And it was during that period of loneliness I started feeling he was my best fren... ... Told some of my golden frens about it and they were quite shock that Zhao Mian actually finally have a best fren who is A GUY and within SO SHORT a period... But I convinced them... He really is the best fren I never had... ... ... I told them... much to their intial shock though... ... I love him...

To be continued...

The Intelligence Quotient

The secret to a quick mind lies deep in the patterns and substrates of our diets, and to fully understand the factors attributing to the mystiques of the mind and cranium we need to learn that we are what we eat. And therefore, I formulate this equation based on my so-far life experience (though I know I am not some veteran or something, but my way of looking at things):

The Intelligence Quotient, I.Q. = (E)(null G) / (F)
(where Null G is a constant and represents genetics, E is a vairable environment and F is a variable of body-fat ratio for the range F > 0)

This means that our intelligence factors as I would term it, rather than the common I.Q. is directly proportional to the environmental influx and inversely proportional to the amount of body fat we possess as oppose to body mass. With this sacred equation in mind, I shall state the laws of the equation that i had set when I thought of it... Feel free to refute or accept but most importantly read with an open-mind and maybe an entertainment.

The Fundamental of the I.Q. equation obeys:

1) Null G is a constant value innated at birth and affects the I.Q factors directly but is uniquely and exclusively individual. This simply means that how much we can retain and absorb is in our genes and is the maximum capacitated potential of our intelligence. Just like different sponges have different absorbance we work that way as well. It is a set value that limits our potential.

2) E as expressed as environmental influx is the additive effect of many probabilities of many influences where summation of all possible influxes equals to 1. This means that how well we get smart depends on the environment we are working in. With many combinations, probably too many to account for the direct effect but all has approximately equal chances of occuring given the right incentives and ultimately as summation of probabilities definitely and inrefutably equals one. Environment not only includes the geographical dimensions but also the people around you and things that you see and experience and is a widely diverse variable with infinite combinations across a distribution of individuals.

3) F is the fat to body ratio and is inversely related to the I.Q. capability, it which hinders maximum I.Q. capacitated potential and suppressess the perfect expression of null G in an individual. Scientific research has confirmed that a person who is overweight has an intelligence quotient that is less by 30% in contrast to an individual of healthy weight. Fats are stored in adipose tissues which proliferate in an obese individual and saps the body of nutrients and also hinders the blood circulation to the brain, particularly the left hemisphere of the cerebrum. With a born null G value, presence of fats will reduce the maximum intelligence at any one time by a factor of 0.3 hence preventing full exploration of mental capabilities. Bottomline... the more fat you are the dumber you are. (Which is good news for me, as it means if I lose weight I can be smarter as opposed to people who are already thin can no longer increase their capabilities. I have evidence to prove this stand as the point when I lost weight last time, all my grades in secondary school sky rocketed to top grades, record of topping 6 papers for prelims in sec4 after drastic weightloss ^^)

It has reached a stage of a collective neurosis when one's panic spreads to another much to ironic belief of the anxiety within LOL!(***note the 'RICH' sarcasm -.- ) Take your F value as BMI and null G value as 1 and see your I.Q quotient now... but E is undetermined as combinations are infinite but maximum 1. Therefore:

Zhao Mian's I.Q = (E)(1) / (29.4) = 0.0340E

(note that this I.Q. is not how smart you are but your potential now and G varies with everyone but for simplicity we assume everyone expresses G the same so assigned a value of 1)

Gonna try to lose weight and create another miracle... Going to increase the E value by starting up a study group of intense treatment... Anyone interested may find me and I will give u a sneak preview of the revolutionary plan and then u be the judge whether u wanna be in or out... Alright... going off...

I understand... ... Just feel like it's a cherry on top of a recipe for gloom... =(

Reliving Moments

Reliving the saddest moments of your life again and again... Though self-inflicted and because of a stubborn heart that refuses to budge feels so hurtful all the time... Like killing yourself and then reviving and then killing yourself again and experiencing the same horrible pain again and again...

I'm no good person... Threatened people so that I can get what I want but dun care what the other wants... Perhaps overlooked that... but nevertheless it's really despicable to force upon someone an imposition of your favour. Asked myself numerous times what is it I want... That forcing something brings no injection of real emotions but only trophies of your sins. Praying for a miracle that will probably never happen... Doing useless things and trying to convince someone to take another side on things... Perhaps all the time neglecting the fundamentals of true love and believing solely on crafted happiness...

I envy a few persons whose names start with d, r and w... admire them you know... how each can be so stable and steadfast unlike me so volatile and rash... often stumbling over over-reacted judgements and making unnecessary fuss... Time was an excuse I guess... when underlying it was insecurities... Not just mine... but also people around me fearing when the next eruption will be and how destructive it would be... Living in fear... is really a torture... but fearing yet still willing to hold on for the sake of believing I finally realise that... I wronged u... That u wanted this as much as I do... and gave it so many chances that I never noticed...

People only see things after they are gone... So many regrets that maybe I shldn't have done this or that... Everything happens for a reason... Tell me what this is? Heard somewhere the crossing of fates creates some kind of magic that is beyond ethereal being... How fate inter-twined leads somewhat to opposites and proposites...

To step in or give in... ran through my mind so long and slow... But to avoid the pain and the prayings for a miracle and someone's suffering... I rather feel an intense pain today and then get over it... Maybe... psychological problem... but feeling this lonely feeling for a long time... Friends around they are great... but this lonely is something more of... unexplainable that like I can't accept anyone as good fren anymore for awhile... even if i said now... It will be a lie too... Just suddenly lost all that and only see normal friends and some distant memories...

I wish for another chance... but too many chances used up already... again with the cracked porcelain... I am reliving a moment... with the exact same two choices... I chose that path last time... ... should I follow the same path again?

sorry... ... and I know one cannot demand forgiveness so fast when it is my own fault to begin with... ... so I'll wait patiently for as long as it takes... and repay and salvage as much as I can even if it means... I sacrifice some things...

As the plot thickens

The stars fortell the future... the cards speak only the truth... coupling premonitions all speak of something bare... something bad... Living in paranoia day in and out... I actualy dun dare go Jurong point much after that premonition and partially I stay away from bus stops too... But nothing doubts tomorrow... be it gut feeling, by experience, by tarot reading, via horoscope or etc... they all unanimus speak the same... My instincts tell me to back out... But somehow I just dun feel like running away anymore...

It doesn't take a psychic to fortell certain things... All it takes is experience and some brain. surely a prick in the heart right down the middle... Sometimes curiousity kills the cat... When things go missing I panic so much... ... Can't find my school work now... I think I lost it... Finding so anxiously as much as I find something else too...

Too bad fairytales never existed... from past till now... For the delusional optimist perhaps... I guess I once believed but changed with time... I always have this gift for imaginations... Perhaps I am still a kid... still play games, watch cartoons and play with toys too... yea I know childish but I can craft stories easily... An overactive mind I have... Seeing imagery ever paranoia... When it is none of my business I still think and imagine... kinda pathetic and naive to the extent of folly...

When what once was hope now change to mope... It is the challenges in life... I cannot run... But truthfully, I am sure I am not ready... How silly I was to thought I am... Living the life of a drama series... Asked around and realised I am the abnormal one... Not u or him or anyone else... just me... Understandable of course... but some sort of can't believe a feeling so strong or otherwise stubborn that the erosion by the sands of time seems negligible...

Every sight it hurts. Every thought it kills... Every fantasy some hope... But fantasies always fantasies... The plot is thickening, everyone is moving... I am walking but everyone seems sprinting... He seems better now, he never resisted a word from that phrase I raised... I guess it was a silent acknowledgement... I can't stand it really I dunno why... I have no right anymore...

It's different now I guess... as he said... ... I remember this saying... and someone's optimistic answer...

XXX: A porcelain bowl with cracks. Nothing can heal the cracks.

YYY: What cracks. Our friendship no cracks la... If have just change a new one la... dun care what that stupid girl say...

Haha... No use remembering now... when someone else has probably forgotten already... again i believed in something so simplistic it is so naive... If only things were so easy I won't find myself tearing all the time... ... A porcelain bowl... ... how... ... fragile... I wish... there was a new one now... =(

Choosing

A choice between two... two persons? two choices? two means? two paths? two answers?

It's one point off to the left of the balance... a wrong choice made... and probably sink to rock bottom... choose the right choice... and u will fly like an angel... But which to pick...

Perhaps both of them are wrong... and as someone told me... let's not haste over this... perhaps none of them is the right choice... the stakes are too big and the pressure is building... I wanna know so much... if there is someone who will accept me for the truth... and not run away... who will understand me and tell me... 'I dun mind'...

I can't accept? Can I? Should I or should I not? So many choices so little time... I wonder if i made the choice of should, i will suffer that day and be so lonely... I probably would... that coupled with the sight of eye sore pictures that would probably kill me inside... but to go... perhaps I can't runaway forever... perhaps there's someone out there... who will learn the truth from me and prove to me for once... there really is... someone who accepts me and is of the same... ...

Should I? Lost in the middle of the darkest before dawn... ... I sorta still can't believe and heart broken... one can forget so fast... ... ... ... I can't... =(