Reliving Moments

Reliving the saddest moments of your life again and again... Though self-inflicted and because of a stubborn heart that refuses to budge feels so hurtful all the time... Like killing yourself and then reviving and then killing yourself again and experiencing the same horrible pain again and again...

I'm no good person... Threatened people so that I can get what I want but dun care what the other wants... Perhaps overlooked that... but nevertheless it's really despicable to force upon someone an imposition of your favour. Asked myself numerous times what is it I want... That forcing something brings no injection of real emotions but only trophies of your sins. Praying for a miracle that will probably never happen... Doing useless things and trying to convince someone to take another side on things... Perhaps all the time neglecting the fundamentals of true love and believing solely on crafted happiness...

I envy a few persons whose names start with d, r and w... admire them you know... how each can be so stable and steadfast unlike me so volatile and rash... often stumbling over over-reacted judgements and making unnecessary fuss... Time was an excuse I guess... when underlying it was insecurities... Not just mine... but also people around me fearing when the next eruption will be and how destructive it would be... Living in fear... is really a torture... but fearing yet still willing to hold on for the sake of believing I finally realise that... I wronged u... That u wanted this as much as I do... and gave it so many chances that I never noticed...

People only see things after they are gone... So many regrets that maybe I shldn't have done this or that... Everything happens for a reason... Tell me what this is? Heard somewhere the crossing of fates creates some kind of magic that is beyond ethereal being... How fate inter-twined leads somewhat to opposites and proposites...

To step in or give in... ran through my mind so long and slow... But to avoid the pain and the prayings for a miracle and someone's suffering... I rather feel an intense pain today and then get over it... Maybe... psychological problem... but feeling this lonely feeling for a long time... Friends around they are great... but this lonely is something more of... unexplainable that like I can't accept anyone as good fren anymore for awhile... even if i said now... It will be a lie too... Just suddenly lost all that and only see normal friends and some distant memories...

I wish for another chance... but too many chances used up already... again with the cracked porcelain... I am reliving a moment... with the exact same two choices... I chose that path last time... ... should I follow the same path again?

sorry... ... and I know one cannot demand forgiveness so fast when it is my own fault to begin with... ... so I'll wait patiently for as long as it takes... and repay and salvage as much as I can even if it means... I sacrifice some things...