Threshold

I feel incredibly down... and yet I feel I should not bother those who care anymore because they probably are sick and tired of the same topic again and again. It hurts so bad when I have to see things happen before my eyes and I truely feel the intense heartache... yet I have to pretend that I am oblivious when it's so bloody obvious that the people who know my problems can empathize the whirlpools that spiral about in my heart. I want to cry for days... I really did feel like this exploding balloon... Because I gathered my observations over a period of time... People say I am paranoid that I think too much. I believed them up to a point when I finally told them of the things that I observe and feel and finally people are beginning to see things that they previously missed. Beginning to understand the issues that I raised... Perhaps I am still a tad paranoid but it is so obvious now that changes are there... And I held my tears for a long long time and they never came. And when they came I decided not to bother anyone in camp anymore because I dun want to be a chore... Yet in my heart I wished really hard that my good friends outside of camp was with me. I dun want to explain what happened at all... I dun really want a solution because things are probably my own fault... All I want is to cry and hope my friends understand and empathize how I feel... How upset I am... The threshold that never came... I am so gay... probably people who think that way and I think so too... I am a noob at the guy's friendship thing and I try to be a good friend as the only way I know of expressing. Things go wrong and I scud frantically to find the answer... ... Yet at the end of it all I know... Sooner or later things will have to end... Because... I feel no longer any care or concern... When I feel friendship from others... and I dun even know what hit me... Like a durian fell out of the sky and hit me on the head...