True Strength

'So tell me Zhao Mian, what are some of your strength and your weaknesses?' the interviewer of NUSSF enquired me curiously from the other side of the meeting desk.

The room hardly experienced much privacy when the walls were made of glass- transparent to all- and the fact that people were walking by and I could see them. I thought meticulously for a moment and gave a ginger smile. It was one of those questions that you sort of anticipated would turn up during interviews, but the trick was to pretend that your answer was extempore. I wouldn't have gone as dramatic as to say I was sweating all over and I had butterflies in my stomach. Please... that's so primary school composition writing. My palms, however, were moist despite the chilliness of the air. My mind was like a tape recorder gone haywire, as a question resounded in my head much like the sonorous chimes of a church bell. (We hardly see any of those nowadays- pity...)

'What's my greatest strength?'

I mean really, what is strength exactly? To a body builder it would probably be determined by the weight of the dumb bells he could carry; To a scientist it would probably be something alike the ability of an object to resist force without breaking; To you and me this would probably be what we are good at or what we call our expertise. Surely these are excellent definitions of strength in our daily lives. I'm not about to dismiss them or take them as folly notions. But what I want to think about is the width of this definition.

At this point in time, I feel like I'm about to draft an exposition of sorts to display my language mastery or at least attempt such a feat. But for that reason, I am going to relate this post more toward encounters with strength rather than leaning toward the direction of a boring General Paper assignment.

If there's one big weakness I have in life now it would be my extreme range of emotions. I always think my emotional senses similar to a tongue in the sense that they are both extremely sensitive to changes. Take a needle and prick your hand and do the same for the tongue and you'll realize a world of unexplored pain exists when your tongue feels so much more acutely than the other parts of your body. (Let us not describe other more sensitive parts, this, being a PG blog)

While others may feel happy over something I can be over the moon. When people get hurt, they probably get moody but I cry and let loose. In that sense... I get hurt almost all of the time. Because small things that people do, and probably do not realize hurt me more than they know. But I always feel that I should never show it. Precisely because I know I am sensitive that I must learn to understand others.

In all aspects I always try to be empathetic. I don't ever believe in sympathy for it demeans us all.I do so strongly believe that I ever got so emotional and sensitive not by chance. And right here I'm going to actually leak a bit of my history and experiences as a child and teenager.

I never had much attention from the people around me when I was very young. Often, I would find myself eating alone and doing stuff without the enjoyment of company. I probably would have cried then... but I was pretty young. I envied the friends I had around me all the time. But I was stupid and my studies were bad. My sister on the otherhand was a prodigy =X I had a bad experience with male bullies in my primary school days and thus I drifted to have a lot of female friends as I lived through my primary school and secondary school days.

But despite all the lonely times I had and all the hardships I went through. I really am grateful for the fact that I went through them. You would find my thinking irrational but it is the plain truth, and I would repeat this statement with fain whenever you want to. I hated to be lonely and I really hated it when people didn't care about me. It brings tears to my eyes as I recall but that is exactly why I will never let that happen to the people around me.

That is why... I care so much about how other people feel; that is why I don't ever want people to be left out; that is why I always want to see the good in people; that is why I want to help and protect everyone around me as much as I can; that is why I have grown to be so empathetic... because whatever sort of painful feeling people ever feel... I probably felt it before. I relate and I'll try my best not to let you go over what I gone through...

To me true strength doesn't lie in numbers and it doesn't lie in the tangible realm. For true strength comes from character or rather true strengths comes from feelings. With feelings comes great power to do so many things. It not only benefits ourselves but it gives us the power to protect others. That is so important to me as a person. As a human being.

Sometimes... I find myself selfish and I consider my past damning. I had done horrible things in my time and I'm surely not a good person if you count all those deeds in. =( Once again... I plead guilty to all those things I accuse myself of. Perhaps... making amends would be foolish. But each and every single day I tell you myself:

I know I'm not a saint for I am a sinner. As much as I hate to admit it and would love to be truly perfect I couldn't =( But every morning when I wake up... I tell myself I try to be good. I will try my best to be sincerely and genuinely good to others even if it means I might be less happy about it or peopel hurt me in the process. What matters is... I am happy that people are happy...

And I love people very much...very very very...