Recently there's just so many things going on in my head that I can never even be able to pen them all down or be able to verbalize them. Funny thing is I always feel like unloading all those complexities going on in my cranium but then whenever I meet someone I find it impossible to spill it all out. There are so many premature blog entries that I aborted even before I finished my first paragraph... Somehow... even though a storm is brewing in my heart, I stubbornly refuse to unleash it out but keep it contained.
I went out with an old friend today where we just had a great dinner and nice coffee and talked about life and what became of us since we last met up... This entire holidays had been all about keeping in touch with all those people whom I treasured but failed to do so; forgotten perhaps after layers and layers of cobwebs and dust had covered with the passage of time... But more importantly a time of peace for me to think about a lot of stuff and search for my own voice~ To get to remember who I was and who I've become... finally deciding who I want to be... ...
A lot of us I believe want to go overseas and lead a seemingly carefree and awesome life... I see so many people wanting to go for exchange programmes and having ideas of migrating to some other country. I love vacations too... But it dawned on me that I enjoyed the idea of a vacation more than actually having the vacation itself. A vacation in itself meant leaving all your worries and work behind and starting a fresh life of enjoyment for awhile. Now isn't that splendid? I crave for one such opportunity to release myself from this stressful place filled with hectic people and pressing thoughts to ponder over. But most of all... all the memories that seem to come alive at the simplest things and we can't help playing them back.
I've been having weird dreams that don't make sense. Sometimes... I cannot tell the difference between a premonition and a dream anymore. They confuse me so much...
But I guess the most important thing I learnt this holidays thus far is the importance of taking a back seat and seeing things from a different perspective... I told this old friend of mine this which I came to acknowledge and is slowly digesting...
I guess the secret to life is to acknowledge that we enjoy the idea of something more than we actually enjoy the actual thing. Sometimes... ideas and expectations numb our senses of perception and makes reality a blur. When we become sober, however, it hurts us to know the truth. For instance... we don't want to be in love; we want to be in love in a movie. Because in a movie... effort and hard work always gets appreciated and that everything will be alright. But we all know that's not always the case... We always try to find a solution to everything. That's what we all do. When we meet a problem we solve it like a mathematics question. But then... sometimes... trying to think of a solution when there isn't one is not helping anyone and we'll end up only hurting ourselves when we find ourselves dumb and foolish; weak and useless because of our inability to make things better.
It's hard sometimes to accept things. But I guess... as much as I am trying to learn everyday with a bleeding heart of frigid storms and roaring thunder: The solution to certain things is that there is no solution. Sometimes... doing nothing just makes life better.
A final note... a picture paints a thousand words... that's the reason why I chose this picture. For within this picture speaks a thousand words of disappointment and regret for a hope and expectation decimated that no words can express which I have come to fear but hold dearly to the heart as what could have been... ...
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