Lies in the night

I always wanted to be better than others, because I always wanted to feel like belonging. I wanted to be with people who will let me stay through the cold winters and accompany to have fun during the hot summers. I wanted to be good enough for people because people flock towards the beautiful people and the talented people. I feel forgotten sometimes, but can you hear me when I just talk like any other day? Deep inside I wish people would read between the lines and hear what I had to say. I wished people had telepathy so that I need not say anything to convey the feelings in my heart and the thoughts on my mind. It gets very tiring to talk about it really... Sometimes it's not that I don't want to just unleash everything and feel less bottled-up. Most of the time I just feel too tired to say it...

I can imagine though, how the people around me will feel: Constantly seeing that I get hurt over and over again. People get tired too and well emo sort of becomes my sort of thing. I find it hard to believe if I were in other peoples' shoes that I can ever be salvaged from the pits of despair. Who can always have hope for someone with a 'habit' that never seems to die? To be honest... I myself cannot guarantee that I can even be saved too. But if anyone I know is even reading this... I assure you that the 'habitual' idea is not true =( How should I say it? Getting stabbed with a knife once or twice or thrice is just as painful and dangerous each time. So... each time when you guys see me sad and hurt please don't say I'm like that and used to it. Because it really hurts a lot each time =(

I stand at a crossroad where I have to decide what is the most important thing to me. There is just too much chatter and noise in my head... I can never concentrate on any particular task or stayed interested in any particular thing. To all the people I disappointed... I'm so sorry... ... I've been so sorry for three years now... and now coming to the fourth. Words are empty and probably seem like a lie to cover up a night of sinful pleasures but if you believe me... I say: I'm really really sincerely from the bottom of my heart sorry...

Can anyone hear me when I cry for help in a subtle way? If I had a wish or a prayer it will always be that: I don't want people to give up on me... ... my heart is wrenching...