It has been raining everyday. Doesn't take a psychic to tell that tomorrow will be the same. It always happens in the early afternoon when menacing dark clouds just start to gather at the edge of the sky and sooner than you know it they are over your head and a curtain of rain drops just come cascading down. I enjoyed a nice warm cup of green tea while sitting near the window today - soaking up the melancholy of the atmosphere or perhaps just awestruck at the power of mother nature. Lightning flashes and thunder crashes hardly seem so distant as when you peer out of your small window to gaze upon the infinite skies of grey. It made me realize how dense the storm clouds must have been to have completely obscured my view of the blue skies beyond the great mass of grey. It reflected how little I saw ahead of me in life... and how scared I was...
When it rained at night... I would always run to hide in my parents room when I was very young. I enjoyed my share of horror stories and flicks and hence my imagination ran wild whenever the recipes for a horror movie came around. When it thundered when tonight... I find myself reminded of my past fears and I grip my blanket which was already half-covering my face with an even stronger grasp and a shakiness that stemmed from a reminder of the haunting of the past~
When I was in primary school... I fore-saw a bright future ahead of me. I saw me and my friends going to the same secondary school and then going to the same Junior college. I saw myself being the top in each school and then going to OCS where the honour will be sealed. I followed this chart I made for myself and reached all the goals and targets that I set. I thought that life was successful then. But little did I realize how wrong and how short-sighted I were. I stand before a mirror right now... and I asked myself where I am headed. But truly... I do not know...
I can't see the road anymore. I remembered a time in secondary school when my class went on a nature hike in Macritchie Reservoir: We all had a great time initially. But then the storm came in. We ran desperately to find shelter but the heavy cloak of rain had already came down on us. This girl held my hand very tightly... and said to me: "I can't see...". She was wearing spectacles and the rain was so heavy that it had prevented her from seeing ahead. I simply told her to trust me and hold on to my hand. At that moment I felt how much she was shaky and scared. It made me realize how scary it was... to not know where you were going especially when... there are storms in your life...
What's the use of having premonitions? Do away with tarot cards and crystal sets and other forms of divination. All I wanted to see was a vision of the future of what life will be. Yet with all the prophetic powers I claim to have and I can see no farther than the four walls of my room. What then do you do when you feel lost and alone? I remembered the girl back then and how she grabbed onto me. We grew up over night though... As cliche as that line had probably been used in countless dramas and movies. I like to call it metamorphosis. Sometimes... all it takes is some cataclysmic event in your life and you wake up the next morning feeling like someone else.
I am not proud to say this but I used to be a mean and violent boy. I used to resort to violence to manipulate the people around me. I used to hit my mum when she didn't give me what I wanted. I used to whine and cry to make a show just so as to get certain things from my parents. That of course led to my dad using his favorite belt... and OUCH that was painful. But the point is... one day... I just changed. One day I just woke up and became and obedient and quiet boy. No one knew why... even I myself didn't know too. My studies suddenly skyrocketed and people started praising me for having great discipline, patience and kindness... I like to think of it as... metamorphosis.
So how long more before I wake up one fine morning and see the whole world differently? Is this life of mine filled with stages that with each passing turn brings more surprises and delights installed for me? Be patient and remember to always consult your brain and not your heart... because sometimes an emotional fervor can overwhelm even the most logical of constructs. Something I constantly need to remind myself.
What does it feel like to be unwanted? To be honest I feel lonely almost all the time. It just doesn't seem natural. There must be something fundamentally wrong. There is a gaping black hole of insecurity buried deep inside me that feasts on my life itself. I felt like talking to people all about it. But then I just stopped... closed my eyes... and listened for a moment. I realized I wanted to talk to myself and ask myself where I was going and what I was thinking and feeling.
I feel so lost in this city... I feel so lost in my thoughts. A lot of things are uncertain while those that I am certain of make me uncertain of other things. But I know something full well... and I best always remember it: That I can call upon all my memories over the years as teachers of the present but that in every situation and every window of time that even the best teachers from the past can ever have for-saw the future.
I feel bad that I have been so clingy to people... perhaps I have outlived my welcome. A friend of mine told me not to think that way. But I said with a last bit of saving grace (or perhaps still my excuse for being defensive) that it was never my intention to be a pest. I only wanted to try to be good... ... can that be wrong too? =(
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