When we go for a crazy discount sale, things just fly off the shelf like hotcakes - Not that hotcakes really sell fast... Just that it is an analogy. But even when things are cheap and things are supposedly identical, it is still in our nature to be picky and to choose the one that is of the best quality among the heap of goods. We compare between X and Y and then choose Y because X has a slight tear or perhaps some discolouration (just a little). At the end of the day... as the tall heap dwindles do we still remember the X that we held in our hands? That much hope each time X is being carried up that it can finally leave this heap and be chosen for not being perfect or better than the others. Yet with each handling his heart dies and gradually drown in a sea of despair from the bitter tears that flow inward...
Don't we get that feeling sometimes? I know I do. I'm not going to bother writing in parables this time round. I'm just going to say it. I feel like my life's a mess. Yes... a mess that is utterly great that the sight of it irritates me. But that doesn't mean I can just lie down and die. No... that way life would have been too easy. So I pick myself up and start clearing the debris and the mess bit by bit. Hoping that with enough time and effort that peace will be restored once again and my eye sight be lucid.
I feel really horrible over what became of that. I felt like you gave up on me even though I didn't really treated you as a very close friend. I don't know why but I feel incredibly disturbed and sad. Yet I could find no words to say anymore... I dare not tell people about this openly... I'm scared that people will just find me annoying if I were forever trapped in some dramatic story of feelings...
I get really envious of the people around me. I admire their social skills and how easily they are able to blend in with others. It might be self-thought... but sometimes I feel like a dispensable piece of garbage =( I feel rather stupid at the end of the day when I try to organize stuff but people ignore me or turn me down. And when people organize stuff or wanted to go out then I will always be left behind.
It felt like there was a bargain sale and I was being held up and compared from time to time. But in the end I still didn't meet the specifications and so I was thrown back and left behind... Waiting... ... Waiting for... something that never came...
I find it quite ridiculous that I absolutely don't want to share my birth date with others. And yet I complain that people won't remember my birthday when it was myself who was so secretive to begin with. Why is that? I thought for a long time today... I remembered a time when I used to celebrate it with all my closest friends and it made me feel special everytime. But after JC... I had always found myself celebrating it alone (at work or my family). They were the only ones that really cared about me i guess~
I came to a conclusion that I didn't want to divulge it for some reasons. I wanted to test who were my real friends... because I remembered the times when I took so much effort to find out the birthdays of all the people I knew. I remembered them by heart. Even in NS I actually saved the birth dates of all my men in my handphone and made sure to buy nice gifts. Sounds foolish but I wanted people to feel special on their birthdays... And secondly... I wanted to be considerate. Because I know i usually put in quite some effort to plan peoples' birthdays so I didn't want them to waste their time trying hard to reciprocate back the same level. But it's truly an irony...
At the end of the day... I wanted people to know; I didn't want people to know. And every year when that day comes since JC I had cried... just a little. Not trying to be dramatic here. But it's true.
The truth is I keep feeling that nobody would invite me for stuff and nobody would think of me when they want to find someone to hang out and have fun. I'll only come to mind when there is a favor to be sought or when there is something that I can help out with. But who am I to critic on a practical world?
To a certain friend whom I hurt. I'm really sorry... I actually really wanted to what's app a lot of things to ask for forgiveness... But then... it dawned on me that perhaps it is better that you gave up already. Because I don't think I'm a good friend so you're better off not wasting your time and effort for someone like me~
Why is it that... every now and then I always feel like I'm not wanted...
I hug my dear little teddy bear and asked...
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