The Weight Of Voices - Truth or Dare?

There are some things that just seem too heavy to carry; somethings that you really want to say but you can't... Not that people will judge me (I trust they probably would not), but, that I will judge myself and I will run away from everyone as a result. Because I tried to run before this... I ran and ran until I could not take another step and I just broke down and cried wishing to take back words. But words are funny things... When we imagine it in our minds it does not seem to be so wrong. But after saying it there can be no turning back... No words that can be erased from another's mind - Only accepted or be rejected...

I am a terrible liar. Sometimes I put on a mask only to be caught trying to masquerade in the crowd. Is it really that obvious what I am? But how is it that I don't even know who I am? But people seem to be able to identify me anyways... I asked myself... am I in denial? If my heart had a color and that if my heart had a face what would it be? Can I look you in the eye and tell you I'm feeling this when in fact inside I'm feeling another. 

I prepared myself to say something to someone... But when I met the person, all the words just escaped out of my mouth and I could find not the courage or words to start to say it. It felt awful =/ I wanted to say it! I really wanted to~

I talk to my bear every night and I write in my journal avidly... It is the only place where all my lost words are found. It is the only time when the noises in my head become clear and I can hear what I am saying behind the cacophony. I hugged my bear so tightly tonight as I slept... I hugged my bear because I imagined myself hugging a lot of people... But no... this society is such that hugs are rarer than diamonds... If I were to hug you you would say I was weird and touchy~ 

Yet sometimes... I wish not to say any words of worry and sorrow... Only a firm hug that I could find someone to let me know it will be alright...

For each and every thought I think of that which hurt... I folded a star and kept it in a bottle. I wonder how long it will take to fill this giant bottle up with the tiny stars of which each were made with a feeling of hope that with enough patience and enough sincerity that will one day fill up the largest of holes...

Is there a truth out there for me to find? Am I really in denial... I am afraid... of the truth... ... 

But as I fold these stars... my fingers hurt but my heart hurts more. But also patiently hoping and patiently praying that with patience that with enough wishes... the bottle will be filled to overflowing just as a black hole can be filled as much as every effort to try is insignificant compared to the vessel... that it will still be filled nonetheless... ...

Waiting~~ Hoping~~ Praying~~ Seeking~~ But never did stopped believing... even if... I'm on my own...