Thunder Crashes

I no longer know what's on my mind anymore. My emotions have drained me so much that I feel empty inside and my brain is filled with fleeting thoughts of many things. I looked into the mirror this morning as I was brushing my teeth and I asked myself what happened to me? My eyes were reddish brown and dry; my hair was a messy array and I looked like I hadn't slept in ages.

I think whenever people proceed in life there comes a time once in awhile when you receive sudden revelations of certain things. I received mine this morning. It's as if I awoke from a long and distant dream of crazy things- some too ridiculous to even imagine that I would possibly have done. I had to admit... that in all my years of living there was always one thing I could not do: I could never love myself... The fact was I hated to be me and I hated all my personality traits and my emotional outbursts. I always wished I was somebody else...

I'm a piece of shit. Nothing more. Even though I really tried very hard to be something else. But sometimes trying isn't always going to mean that you'll succeed one day; it just means that you haven't given up. But so what if I packaged myself into something beautiful and pleasant to the eyes of others? So what if I totally locked that piece of shit up in some deep forgotten crevice? Whenever people got close enough and the wall is demolished they still see the piece of shit that I am... and who can truly say that they love an ugly duckling over the pretty white swan?

Sometimes... I wish someone would help me and lend me a supporting hand; but sometimes... I wish that I could not be helped. It's as if I wanted to die but I didn't want to die. And at the end of the day I cause so much trouble to everyone around me I end up feeling more horrible and sinful than I already am so deeply tainted by it. No body can take my emotional outbursts. Where people tried they failed... But I was hopeful all the time... only to be despaired at how impossible it will be even in the future.

Does anybody know who I really am? I'm not the enthusiastic, gregarious and quirky guy that you all know...  I'm really just an over-sensitive and sentimental guy who feels so insecure all the time that it hurts me as much as it hurts those close to me. But I asked myself what's the greatest gift and contribution I can give to the people who are important to me in my life.

It was that I guess my happiness would have been wasted anyways anyhow. So it really doesn't matter anymore. For the sake of not to be selfish anymore I'll do what I have to do even if it pains me to no end. I really love people a lot... I really did. That I never lied. But I always watched and admired from a distance never daring to be too close because I was afraid that people would see the ugliness of me.

I built a tall and impregnable wall around myself. But when it slowly broke down my world became exponentially bigger and I was exposed to a World of hurt I never knew existed before. Someone told me before: trust and believe that there are people who will love your ugly even if you didn't even try...

Tear filled eyes; and a dry lip; 

And I'm sorry... But this is my fate. everything is worthless... no one wants me to stay~

Painting The Silence With A Riot Of Colors

Why do some people keep things quiet when they have something that they really wanted to say? Does silence breed harmony or does it aid communication in any way? It would seem as though silence and communication doesn't seem to have any relationship whatsoever... But yet somehow I feel that it does. Because sometimes when certain things are said they leave bad after tastes in the mouth and they inflict wounds of the heart. Where do I draw the line then? Where do I draw the line that separates the silence from the voices that echoes in my heart?

Is it about trust? The trust that certain things need not be conveyed but be understood. But without a sound at all.. even if a tree fell in the middle of the forest and no one was there to hear it... would we have known that it fell after all? Sometimes... I find that silence is a test of trust... but just like god cannot be put to the test... should trust in people be put to the test then? It would seem it defeats the whole purpose isn't it?

So paint this silence with colors already and let there be no more gloominess and things unsaid. Because in every second of my life... I wish to tell the world so many things... And I feel so many emotions that paints so many pictures in my head that are so lucid.

Do I lack it though? Sigh... A sigh that is as many words as a thousand word essay will be

The Lost Key

I wonder why is it that certain things are just too complicated for my brain to comprehend. Especially this entire journey to discover to discover more about myself... Somethings I do I amaze myself; somethings I do  I'm actually proud of myself because it shows my strength of character and gives hope that I'm not such a weak dependent individual after all; somethings I do I feel ashamed of myself and wished there was a hole in which I could jump into and hide...

Things used to be so simple when they were all black and white. But then things were always not so simple because of the different hues of black and hence the creation of grays. Don't get me wrong... gray is a lovely color... Just that it makes choices that much more difficult to make and it makes you ponder over your actions and the consequences should there be possibly any. I suppose the hardest part of life is about telling the colors apart.

I thought about things during the weekend for very long and I find it such a challenge to tell fantasy from reality. The dreams that I have and the desires that I harbor: I can never truly tell if such things were overly idealistic or perhaps that it could possibly come true one day. But I had to watch at my dreams crash and burn, having to go through the trauma afterward~ Do I lack the resolve? Do I lack the footwork to move to the rhythm of life?

I don't think I'm depressed any more... deeply confused perhaps... I wish I had all the answers but sadly I don't. The only thing harder than to do well for an exam is to do well for yourself.  That is wise in itself... I really don't know what's going to happen next, but I suppose thinking about it ain't going to answer it either. The only thing I can do is to keep moving forward and survive the toils that are thrown at me each and every day. I wrote in previous posts since last year...

An Ice-Make Rose Garden;

Being Loveless In Love City;

The Magical Carriage That Turns Into A Pumpkin When The Clock Strikes 12;

A Wrinkle On A Pool of Calm;

And Finally... A Lost Key of Hope That Answers All~~

A penny for your thoughts? What am I trying to find? What is it that I am tirelessly looking for? Things are vague and woozy~~ It's as if my brain itself seems to be blocking certain memories from me so that I can't answer that question... Where is this lost key? 

But I don't think I should burden this on people anymore... People have their own lives to live. They don't have to take the time out to care about mine too... I'll promise to not make this a habit anymore... I'll try to keep things to myself from now on~

The One Voice: Yours Truly

Like water I always moved along with the flow. In whatever container I sought to fill up, I followed the shape and never did otherwise. Where the collective droplets coalesce into a stream that moves steadily over the lands as runoff... I followed suite. And then we all joined the huge river that flowed in one large passive movement thinking that our sheer force was enough to make anything right. I prided myself upon the fact that I was fluid and adaptable... Being as fluid as water itself: Intangible yet at the same time tangible. But I do so no longer~~

I think the most important question that we need to ask ourselves today is the question of who we really are? Who we really are as in what exactly defines us and makes us uniquely ourselves? For I tell you the truth, there can be no two people that are identical on this planet. Even twins with the same DNA composition take up their own paths and assume their own uncharacteristic personas. Let me tell you all a story:

When I was very young I always enjoyed my friends a lot. Where ever they went I followed behind. At the end of primary school I went to Fuhua secondary school even though my dream school had always been River Valley. But the fact that I didn't want to lose a close friend of mine made me abandon that idea and go to a neighbourhood school instead. I figured that we would be friends forever and that we would be there for each other. But sadly... that friend and me went separate ways after 2 years... At the end of secondary school... I again chose to go to JJC because of my friends. The truth was that I really wanted to try my hand at going to HCI or RJC... But I once again had the idea of friends forever. Even though I always did wondered how life would have turned out, I treasured the bonds that were kept until this day.

I realized at this point in my life that I had never ever taken a stance on my position. Who am I exactly I ask myself... What defines me? Because I have come to realize that I can never survive this World without having my own stand. I can't stay neutral forever and be a passive follower. I need to have my own voice in this cacophony of noises... Otherwise I will surely be killed by the voices every single day. But MOST importantly, how would I even know what is happiness to me if I didn't even know who I was and what I wanted? Even if happiness knocked on my door I would have turned him away~

But accepting yourself is so difficult. It is difficult because we don't love ourselves. It is a challenge because of society and its pressures. If we lived in World that had no one else on it there wouldn't have been a 'right' or 'wrong'. Because then... everything you did would not affect others. But we simply can't just do whatever we wanted can we? Because we know that when we do certain things we would be judged; because we know that if we become certain stereotypes we would be stigmatized. But precisely what is wrong with being ourselves? I can never see any wrong to that...

If we call ourselves wrong for being quirky and weird then I feel that there is no disease in that person to begin with. Perhaps the disease IS society itself. Even though I may not truly believe in god, I believe that everyone exists with the right to pursue their own happiness. No matter what they are and who they are... I love everyone simply because they are just humans trying to find their own happiness! How can that ever be wrong?

LOVE YOURSELF... Because before you can love others or expect others to love you... you have to know who you are and embrace that self of yours. And it is only after you accept yourself for who you are can you then start living... Living never for the sake of others but living in order to search for the happiness that you have come to realize is of that much value to you... 

Let us no longer give in to societal pressures for it is the cancer of this century. Let us not be self-righteous and actually naively believe that being part of the river of the many droplets of water is an unstoppable force that we have to conform to. We all have a choice to stand up for ourselves or to hide among the voices of others just so we can feel safe from prejudice and becoming the 'bane' of society.

There ARE and WILL be people that will accept you for who you are and those are the people you can always count on. But what is most important is that your happiness matters more than anything else in this world.

So I constantly have to remind myself now... that even though I may be still discovering who I am I also need not be so fearful. Because I need to love myself and know that the people I care about will support me through and through. And whatever happens... things will always be alright somehow~

Sun Glare

Ever had the the experience of waking up in the morning and the morning sun rays just shoot through the window and onto your face? The golden sun beams are simply so radiant that they blind you and you have no choice whatsoever but to squint and turn away. The week had been a really terrible and traumatic one filled with ups and downs. I literally felt that I took a ride on the roller coaster of emotions. It's as dramatic as it is tiring as I find myself enjoying the peace from it all in my room at home where I feel safe.

Even when I was young I always learnt not to be dependent on my parents. When there were storms in the middle of the night, I would hide under my blanket and stick my fingers into my ears just wishing that the thunder and lightning will go away. Old habits die hard. It is simple and likely a mockery that a guy of my age still choose to cuddle up in my bed and hide under a blanket whenever I'm feeling blue. It's where I feel safe when I feel that the Earth is collapsing around me.

But of course, when I grew up, I met lots of awesome people in my life. Those people I call them my friends and soon my world became bigger and bigger due to the inclusion of one, two then many. We shared thick and thin; weal and woe. Back in the primary school days we would make promises to each other that no matter what happens that we will forever be friends.

Those numbers dwindled as I shed my childhood and took my steps into the cold adult world where practicality drives the passion and motivation of so many. Friends I loved became busy and everyone took their separate ways at the crossroad of destiny. If I waited at the junction from whence we came... will you come back one day to reminisce those days when we thought we were so cool?

And then the tree which we once pledged our loyalties shed it's last leaf in autumn... and a bitter winter approaches~

The world is just so big and there are so many things out there that I have yet to have seen and experienced. I don't want to live in a well anymore and I don't want to be so so weak and dependent on others for my survival. Of course the people around me matters more to me than I do to myself... It always had and always will be~ But I want to start thinking of my future and what I want to do in my life because all this while I had been following a trail of bread crumbs left behind by the people I tired to follow but disappeared at every crossroad we encountered.

I surely have my weaknesses. And until today I have yet to know who I am and why I am here... But I guess sometimes the truth is hard to swallow and people take years and even decades to finally look into a mirror and accept who they really are. I hope I can do the same one day. I hope I can discover who I am so that I can know where is the happiness that I am actively looking for because verily... I can never start to find true happiness until I know it exists.

There is no doubt that as I continue on this path of self-discovery that more people will leave me. But whenever the storm comes we'll just do what we always do won't we? I'll just run home and have a good cry. Hide under my blanket and feel safe until the storm is over. But I come to terms with the fact because of the pain I felt in the past... I refused to reenact an awful event. So I made a choice to not follow my choice. 

Irrational fears; irrational feelings... ... To what end will they stop? But I know in my heart and in my mind... that whatever happens... and I mean it... that no matter what happens... I will never be alone... and that everything will be okay somehow~~

So I woke up from a good rest after a terrible night of tears. Only to be greeted by the warmth of a golden ray of sun that suddenly made me realized how many people cared about me. Yet all I did was only wallow in a corner in my own misery and self-pity. My world was too small and I failed to experience the love that permeates the air. I can't help but shed tears of love and vigor... at the beauty of life and also of the people around me that always stood silently but was ready to accept with open arms when my rain had stopped...

Thank you~ I mean it... ...

Quiet Thoughts

How now brown cow?

I don't know how so please tell me how.

Even when water is still the bottoms still ripples;

beneath a surface of reflections of truth.

Is silence the harbinger of a disaster so near?

I dread the silence;

I despise the quiet;

But there came no sound but mute witness to the snivels of a lonely heart.

Can you hear me even in the midst of this film without sound?

One I so tirelessly wake up to everyday.

Like a leaf I drifted with the movements of a peaceful wave;

translating from point to point;

wavering from left to right;

The sun went down and the stars came out;

I attempted to lead a life not bound by puppet strings.

I am self-conscious...

Insecure too...

My only wish I have is that;

it will all be over soon

And When The Clock Strikes 12... All the Magic Is Lost

Everybody has beautiful moments in their lives... those factions of time that we all hold dear and cherish. Even in sleep we dream about them and in movies we see fantasies. That magical moment alike the act of that one spell that gives so much happiness... We sometimes ask ourselves if we truly deserved them... Because good things never lasted... Nothing does. So whenever people get too close they leave; when good news abounds, disaster and crisis creeps up on you; memories of joy metamorphosis into memories of hurt of a happiness long lost... So in this Cinderella Story kind of fantasy, as we sit in our luxurious carriages of finely plated gold and silver... we countdown as well to the 12 sonorous gongs of the merciless hands of time... when the magic will be lost to us~~

School was terrible this week... But then again, when hasn't it been ever since it first started? Expectations were dashed and reality quickly sets in. It felt as though my wings were stripped from me and mighty chains of steel have bind me to rock bottom. Hot pursuit is so evident to me... as I slog myself to class everyday knowing that each lesson opens yet another rat race. But I guess it's not to be unexpected that the classroom will be a shark tank after all? The World outside of school is so big... it fascinates me. What lies beyond my 4 years in NUS? It's an urban jungle where the weak will perish while the strong will survive... Can faith in the milder side of things pull me through when I enter into this massive ecosystem whereby every single weakness will likely be exploited by opportunists seeking to empower themselves?

I asked myself what I wanted to gain when I first came to University. I believed everyone did... or at least I believed. I admit that I was extremely keen to enter University for I enjoyed the thrill of competition and I delight in putting the 'KO' on others. Well... at least I thought I did... But I changed my mind when that time finally came and I opened my window to Cinnamon college- my new home; my second home. And suddenly... winning didn't seem all that important anymore~

I wanted to be rich and powerful because I tasted what it was like to the opposite. Even when you wanted to help others so much... You mock at yourself for lacking the ability to even do so. Words are cheap; words are empty... A simple prayer may go a long way, but the truth is that it brings no miracle instantaneously. When people around me wanted to go home from a faraway place... I wished it upon myself that I had a car to send them back. I wish I had money so that I could help make the dreams of others come true. But I had come to terms with the fact that without capital and a certain ability... your dreams can never be driven any farther than within sight...

I changed my mind... I wanted something else in University. I no longer aimed for some CAP of 4.5 because I no longer saw the need to struggle and squirm to reach the top. Because in burying myself in books I realized that the most important things to me was not my success and it was not the satisfaction from winning others... What's most important to me? They are my best friend, good friends, friends, and basically people all around me that I care about. I rather have a good time forming bonds than struggling to reach the top by myself... I'll be lonely anyways...

But of course... that doesn't mean that I will forgo my studies... I'll still try my best... after this aligning of priority...

I always thought that I was a rain cloud... One that always rained... Where rain visits occasionally the ground is rejuvenated and new life is born. The rain is appreciated... But when the rain cloud stays too long... people hate the gloom and the chaos it comes with and so the lonely rain cloud had no choice but to move to the next place... and the next and the next... ... He didn't needed people to tell him that he needed to leave... he knew better... But is there hope of a day when the water runs out? All those tears collected over the years but not yet shed... I wish the reservoir will dry out so that all that remains is a fluffy cirrus that bring rainbow and smiles to others...

And so when the clock struck 12... The magic of the spell was lost... The beautiful carriage skids carelessly off the road and changes into the pumpkin we always knew it was... Plain... Ordinary... Unappreciated...