Sun Glare

Ever had the the experience of waking up in the morning and the morning sun rays just shoot through the window and onto your face? The golden sun beams are simply so radiant that they blind you and you have no choice whatsoever but to squint and turn away. The week had been a really terrible and traumatic one filled with ups and downs. I literally felt that I took a ride on the roller coaster of emotions. It's as dramatic as it is tiring as I find myself enjoying the peace from it all in my room at home where I feel safe.

Even when I was young I always learnt not to be dependent on my parents. When there were storms in the middle of the night, I would hide under my blanket and stick my fingers into my ears just wishing that the thunder and lightning will go away. Old habits die hard. It is simple and likely a mockery that a guy of my age still choose to cuddle up in my bed and hide under a blanket whenever I'm feeling blue. It's where I feel safe when I feel that the Earth is collapsing around me.

But of course, when I grew up, I met lots of awesome people in my life. Those people I call them my friends and soon my world became bigger and bigger due to the inclusion of one, two then many. We shared thick and thin; weal and woe. Back in the primary school days we would make promises to each other that no matter what happens that we will forever be friends.

Those numbers dwindled as I shed my childhood and took my steps into the cold adult world where practicality drives the passion and motivation of so many. Friends I loved became busy and everyone took their separate ways at the crossroad of destiny. If I waited at the junction from whence we came... will you come back one day to reminisce those days when we thought we were so cool?

And then the tree which we once pledged our loyalties shed it's last leaf in autumn... and a bitter winter approaches~

The world is just so big and there are so many things out there that I have yet to have seen and experienced. I don't want to live in a well anymore and I don't want to be so so weak and dependent on others for my survival. Of course the people around me matters more to me than I do to myself... It always had and always will be~ But I want to start thinking of my future and what I want to do in my life because all this while I had been following a trail of bread crumbs left behind by the people I tired to follow but disappeared at every crossroad we encountered.

I surely have my weaknesses. And until today I have yet to know who I am and why I am here... But I guess sometimes the truth is hard to swallow and people take years and even decades to finally look into a mirror and accept who they really are. I hope I can do the same one day. I hope I can discover who I am so that I can know where is the happiness that I am actively looking for because verily... I can never start to find true happiness until I know it exists.

There is no doubt that as I continue on this path of self-discovery that more people will leave me. But whenever the storm comes we'll just do what we always do won't we? I'll just run home and have a good cry. Hide under my blanket and feel safe until the storm is over. But I come to terms with the fact because of the pain I felt in the past... I refused to reenact an awful event. So I made a choice to not follow my choice. 

Irrational fears; irrational feelings... ... To what end will they stop? But I know in my heart and in my mind... that whatever happens... and I mean it... that no matter what happens... I will never be alone... and that everything will be okay somehow~~

So I woke up from a good rest after a terrible night of tears. Only to be greeted by the warmth of a golden ray of sun that suddenly made me realized how many people cared about me. Yet all I did was only wallow in a corner in my own misery and self-pity. My world was too small and I failed to experience the love that permeates the air. I can't help but shed tears of love and vigor... at the beauty of life and also of the people around me that always stood silently but was ready to accept with open arms when my rain had stopped...

Thank you~ I mean it... ...