Thunder Crashes

I no longer know what's on my mind anymore. My emotions have drained me so much that I feel empty inside and my brain is filled with fleeting thoughts of many things. I looked into the mirror this morning as I was brushing my teeth and I asked myself what happened to me? My eyes were reddish brown and dry; my hair was a messy array and I looked like I hadn't slept in ages.

I think whenever people proceed in life there comes a time once in awhile when you receive sudden revelations of certain things. I received mine this morning. It's as if I awoke from a long and distant dream of crazy things- some too ridiculous to even imagine that I would possibly have done. I had to admit... that in all my years of living there was always one thing I could not do: I could never love myself... The fact was I hated to be me and I hated all my personality traits and my emotional outbursts. I always wished I was somebody else...

I'm a piece of shit. Nothing more. Even though I really tried very hard to be something else. But sometimes trying isn't always going to mean that you'll succeed one day; it just means that you haven't given up. But so what if I packaged myself into something beautiful and pleasant to the eyes of others? So what if I totally locked that piece of shit up in some deep forgotten crevice? Whenever people got close enough and the wall is demolished they still see the piece of shit that I am... and who can truly say that they love an ugly duckling over the pretty white swan?

Sometimes... I wish someone would help me and lend me a supporting hand; but sometimes... I wish that I could not be helped. It's as if I wanted to die but I didn't want to die. And at the end of the day I cause so much trouble to everyone around me I end up feeling more horrible and sinful than I already am so deeply tainted by it. No body can take my emotional outbursts. Where people tried they failed... But I was hopeful all the time... only to be despaired at how impossible it will be even in the future.

Does anybody know who I really am? I'm not the enthusiastic, gregarious and quirky guy that you all know...  I'm really just an over-sensitive and sentimental guy who feels so insecure all the time that it hurts me as much as it hurts those close to me. But I asked myself what's the greatest gift and contribution I can give to the people who are important to me in my life.

It was that I guess my happiness would have been wasted anyways anyhow. So it really doesn't matter anymore. For the sake of not to be selfish anymore I'll do what I have to do even if it pains me to no end. I really love people a lot... I really did. That I never lied. But I always watched and admired from a distance never daring to be too close because I was afraid that people would see the ugliness of me.

I built a tall and impregnable wall around myself. But when it slowly broke down my world became exponentially bigger and I was exposed to a World of hurt I never knew existed before. Someone told me before: trust and believe that there are people who will love your ugly even if you didn't even try...

Tear filled eyes; and a dry lip; 

And I'm sorry... But this is my fate. everything is worthless... no one wants me to stay~