Chicken Soup For The Lonely Soul

In my room I am moping and I am finding inspiration from my muses as I delicately craft this post before I leave to become a dreamer. For it is not my heart that desires to spill my heart's turmoil and it is surely not my logical mind that craves to shed intellectual light on 'emo-ish' poetry; for my hands move with a life of their own: As creepy and demonic as that may sound. They are sang to life alike a siren's song to make one dance to a tune of inspired madness. So I heed the song I so lucidly hear in my head and fight the fatigue that strife to grapple my senses.

My proclivity to writing urges me to go on -in my current drunkard state- to express my emotions and to express my visions of silent and lonely black and white movies. Without any hesitation and without any inhibition I shall now go on... as I dive into a realm of shadows and secrets  to discover the darkest corners of my soul and the tiniest fibers of my being...

What makes it so hard to be accepted by people? Why do we all have to try and try so hard just so we could feel in place. I feel lost in translation and I struggle to maintain my sanity and myself as I slowly wade through this sea of sludge and toxic tar.

I tried to hide so many things about me... Just because I was afraid. I was afraid of losing people because of the secrets. But more importantly I was afraid to lose people when I was just being me. I wear an array of masks and put on facades like an expert make-up artist will do for it makes me feel safer behind all these pretences. It was never about me being insincere. For without a doubt everyone will always sense that my heart beats with sincerity and care. That will never be further than the truth. But I rather people hated me or disliked me for the selves I created and not hated or disliked me for being the real me... =( 

Do I lack the footwork to dance to this world's crazy rhythmn? Do I lack the resolve to want to change myself to become someone new. For no one loved the old person... everyone just likes the new. Who do I want to be exactly I am no longer certain at all... I just know my heart weeps bitter tears for the soul I could not save... my own soul. I pretended that things were fine when beneath the surface my heart was in chaos. I controlled and contained my emotional whirlpools. But they teared at my insides and destroyed my mind. Fighting it is taking so much so much of my energy. Resisting a drug perhaps? But I laugh and mocked at myself for the strength of my will. How fragile it was and so brittle.

I hated to be lonely... I never did liked it. But somehow I was just so inclined to do so. I'll never ever never ever tell anyone when my birthday is... For I remembered a time when I did... and it brings back memories of much pain that the mere thought is hellish.

Am I selfish? Maybe just trying to pretend to be selfless when deep inside I expected something I guess? I won't dare say I'm a saint. For I am not =( I try to be one though... and perhaps I sucked at it. But I try really hard... do you see it? do you feel it? Do you know it? It's always about giving... never about receiving. I wonder at such a bad bargain how I have managed to survive so long so long... Always waiting for the one day when the birthday story will repeat itself but with an alternative ending.

I'll control myself. I'll not give way to emotions. Let logic rule over my heart and mind and rid me of this disease. I wish for a balm from all this. If only a real chicken soup for the lonely soul existed. How delicious and comforting the broth shall go down my throat: savoury and warm... My only wish... My only wish which I have for years and years... every year... was just that I could find... ... ~~~~~~

I'm such a hypocrite. For I told someone recently to believe in birthday wishes. I spent near 10 years of my life wishing for the same thing. And on my 21st birthday I spent it working without anyone knowing. But still I took the time to sit my a window and pray hard for a magical 21 birthday wishing god would hear... 

I wish that at least though... if my wishes never ever will come true... I wish my friend's wishes will come true. For at least I could be happy for others~ The wine of this world that shall truly be... so I could get drunk and forget all of my own wishes and just be happy~~

I hear thunder outside... a storm is probably approaching... But fear not. This is no metaphor. My heart is still calm perhaps just it's showering lightly right now... Let's close the window less we get a cold