The world population stands at an astounding 7 billion; and the Singapore population stands at 5 million. In an ocean of faces where it is highly unlikely to meet a particular someone -let alone become good friends and more- it is indeed peculiar that sometimes when there is a sea of fish out there we are just so adamant over a particular fish. It may not be worth much but yet it is our treasure. We hold on to somethings as though they mean the world to us... but in the eyes of the 7 billion others out there that exotic fish we so tirelessly try to keep is but an ikan billi in a packet of Nasi Lemak.
And it makes no sense at all... We blame ourselves sometimes over the mistakes we make in the past when we know that no matter how much we ever did blame ourselves that it can never ever be changed or corrected. Yet we still do it... and everyone is guilty of it one way or another. Is it our proclivity as it is in our nature to always seek the route of despair? Because... whenever I see such things happen... suddenly the sky just gets dyed a gloomy grey and the gentle rain drops start to fall... drip, drip, drop~
Why do I care so much for things that can never be within my control. But it is a struggle to admit to myself every day that I cannot possibly make things all go my way. Especially when the feelings and wills of others are involved. It gets that much harder. But the challenge comes when I have to predict and make the moves which I thought were right. And then I wait anxiously... hoping for mutuality in feelings... a reciprocal of an intent that is expressed in the same or other means that represents my hope realized... Perhaps it's foolish... but we all waited, wait and are waiting... always waiting... and then we get hurt. Yes... we always did get hurt from all the waiting... But along the way we still kept telling ourselves to be patient and to be hopeful... when inside a dark shadow had insidiously crept into our minds and our imaginations of the future drives us insane with paranoia...
Even so... it means so much to me: that thing which is of little or seemingly no material value. I rather forgo my heaven just so I can go to hell together with you. In the silver clouds and pristine lights of the beautiful kingdom; I'll rather dance a midst the furious inferno of the hell rifts. Perhaps I'm crazy... I don't care; Perhaps I may regret it one day after my body had been thoroughly reduced to ashes, but for now I only wish for the transient joy and the naive dream that the bonds of people overcome all...
But I live in torment and agony... Being empathetic is both a blessing and a curse. I mourn over the littlest thing and I get elated over the mildest of jokes. I wished it upon me that I could be mute sometimes... just so that I didn't have to be so sensitive and paranoid of every little thing around me. But who can understand? Who can understand a ripple in a pond and resemble it to the whirlpools of my heart? Who can understand a simple sway of the grasses in the arid savannas be alike the storm of the century? Every where I go... I see a riot of colours splashed against a background of bleach, and I can't help but get so exhausted from all these loud colours that I just had to run... ... But people don't get it do they?
Sometimes... I wanted to tell you something... but I guess you just couldn't catch what I was trying to say... What was at the beginning hurtful got even more hurtful when you couldn't understand what I was saying. But I wished you could and so my hopes were dashed...
But even so... after so many times of this... I simply just refused to let go... because it is just so important to me... and I could never explain why... that is why... it is no science and it is no art- only feelings. I'm sorry for things... but you probably don't even know what I'm sorry about... how sad~~ But I have only a lasting impression of when everything happened at the threshold...
A beautiful garden of Eden lies ahead of me. The beautiful and romantic night sky woven together by the constellations of many and a field of gorgeous marigolds swaying in the gentle breeze. I hear the cicadae of summer humming and the playful crickets rubbing their legs together like violins- a delightful symphony. I couldn't help but keep silent and enjoy the wonderful scent of floral- let it waft subtly into my nostrils and rejuvenates my spirit. But of all the flowers- lovely and bright- I chose the unimpressive dandelion...
With a breath of wind that carries a sigh I blew... and so let loose a trail of white maiden hairs... into the night... with a wish and a burden that it'll all be over soon~
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