Pardon My Past

We never are certain of our own lives. In all aspects we wonder and in every thing we wager. Life is full of risks where ever we turn and where ever we go... Is this not the uncertainty that makes life so enriching and exciting every day? That we wake up with an adrenaline rush with an anxious heart for what is to come. What new things will we discover? And what juicy gossip awaits us that will blow our minds away~ But the same uncertainty that we bear in our hearts linger like shadows just before we sleep as we make decisions-important ones- without any idea whatsoever of our odds and favors.

Is there truly beauty in uncertainty? For if there truly is so then the blind must be truly blessed. For each step they take on the road is filled with fears of holes and tripping stones. Yet at times... aren't we all blind? Blinded by our work; blinded by our obsessions; and ah yes... blinded by the inspired madness that we call love. In every way we make proposals to ourselves... As if a court was in session in our inner sanctums. To turn left or to turn right... Because we reach a stage where certainty becomes in short supply. We fear rejection and we fear getting hurt. Even though we know that it moulds us and makes us stronger.

But of course... it would be foolish to assume that change is always easy. Especially when the change involves yourself... When we put on new faces and we adopt new personas have we really metamorphosized into something new? Despite all the make-up we attempt to cover our blemishes we all still know that we have something to hide. The question then appears would be: Did I change after what had happened to become someone new? Or is it still the same old me but suppressed. An enigma indeed...

The tug of my soul reminds me of a time when I sought shelter in a storm. I found peace there and so I stayed there to avoid the merciless impact of the cold and unrelenting pelting of raindrops. And when the storm finally went away and the Sun came out... I just did not feel like leaving anymore... and so I stayed on till today. Perhaps all this while... as I am typing each post in this blog... I always thought I had moved on simply because I was open to reveal my past. But in every blog post I see echoes of sorrow etched into the inspiration of every single one. My brain did not wish to disclose my past but my heart so eagerly wanted to share it with the world because I reveled in having an unconventional and spicy life story.

I've come to realize how foolish that is now. So from this post onward... I shall never let this echo resound anymore. I know I will never ever know if I have changed to become someone better or merely that the beast inside me had been imprisoned somewhere looking for kairos for a jailbreak. But I have faith... yes faith... that I am no longer the same. And even if inner demons haunt me. Smite them I will... To my past I tell you in the face... don't ever try to get to me anymore. Because I am ready facing you with sword and shield. 

Pardon my past~ 

P.S. tug of my soul... it doesn't matter really... but thank you