The Flow Of Life Itself

I wonder why... I really do... I wonder why is it that nowadays I am so moody everyday. I could find no reason... just a deep feel that someone had died and I'm in mourning... When I wanted to smile; When I wanted to laugh; When I wanted to tell people the things that were bothering me... I just had to suppress myself, just because something inside me told me that I had to be sad~~~

Like water we flow... from place to place... From the the snow capped mountains we melted away... and joined the river that took us down the hillside. We changed shape as we moved to suit the shape of the river basin. Where it dipped we got colder and when things got steep we became wild and fast...

What exactly do I want to do? To suppress my own existence just to torture myself. But to what end I wonder? I had to have good dreams... Good dreams of a fantasy I knew too well-- One which I wished deep down just that having such hopes in reality would only make one all the more gloomy when things dun turn out as you would have hoped...

Sometimes... like water we need to change state. When faced with winter we froze ourselves. To form a protective iced layer at the surface. Beneath the glacier we continue to move... Having bitter winter was no excuse for freezing time completely... For below the merciless ice... warm streams continue to move down the hillside... There is a time... was a time... and will be a time... when we have to be merciless like ice; freeze our hearts just so we would stop hurting ourselves in place for others~~ =/

I should have realized by now how much I took things to heart. I really do find that the things that happened were my fault. If I could do something at the expense of my own well-being I would... Just that... Just that... I can't =/ I am weak and useless... and unable to do the right thing to make things right. I'm a gloomy existence and no one hates the rain.

I've helped countless people; shared my wealth and heart with many; sacrifice much for the sake of the feelings for others... But why aren't I happy? Am I selfish? =X Sometimes... honestly I really do wish someone would help me that much. I have so many grievances so bitter and I feel so sore. I wished to tell someone. But that someone had turned away just as a bird thrown out of the cage. There will be no turning back...

Like water I thought I was way back then. I told myself I would be flexible: To change my shape with the container. I would be fluid enough to squeeze through any crack and penetrate through the hardest of rock. I told myself to freeze up and become merciless when I had to and to vapourize and disappear when I was not needed...

But we never turn out to be what we thought we would be~~~~

I wish... ... that day never happened... that day when the rain started... T.T