Have we ever wondered why we want to continue to live when life itself is hardship. Sure we have happy moments and glorious moments. But at the end of the day... was life ever fair to us? Put in hard work and are people bound to achieve their goals one day? =X Life never ever was a bed of roses... The thorns constantly jabbing us along the way since we were babies... Whatever we ever do and ever will do... Does it really really make a difference? Ask ourselves deep inside whether we are all indeed that important that the earth will stop functioning just because we were gone~~ The truth will forever be that no one will really care... For all we know... Humans are aplenty. If we give no pity for ants when we crush them... What makes us different from them?
I'm so sick and tired of disappointing people time and again... It doesn't really matter if I tried my best and it absolutely doesn't matter if people tell me that if I tried my best that will be enough. It will never be enough... =/ I NEVER wanted to make myself a letdown... when people put their hopes into me and invest their time and effort to watch a flower bloom in the middle of a dreaded cold winter. When they told me tomorrow I could do it... I said I will give it my best and I hope I will... But deep down inside... I knew I couldn't. But when I see their faces... How could I tell them the truth? =/ That I was going there to fail and be yet again a disappointment. I feel horrible... But I also can't tell anyone that. And even if it were to be a plan to fail, I have to try my best just so I wouldn't have wasted just that last bit of hope and expectation people have for me... ... why... ... ? =////
I've lost important things time and again... If I ever had a good relation with my parents I really want to tell them this:
I know once in awhile you both will have noticed I'm really upset... But the fact as it is is that you never ever established a comfortable relationship for me to share anything in my personal life =/ I wish I could cry to you and tell you all the bad things I've been hiding so hard all the time. When at home... I have to pretend that nothing is wrong when you ask... But the truth is there were so many things going on, but I chose to lie~~~ I chose to lie just so you wouldn't nag; just so you wouldn't worry; and most importantly just so you won't be disappointed to have a son like me- when I always see you enjoy bragging about me to all the relatives that I top my class and school and stuff... It's better you all don't know... about my darker stories... ... T.T
If I could go back in time... to that moment when I first stepped foot in there... and I changed that decision I made would things have turned out differently now? I'm trapped in a cage... on a leash like a dog. I promised to be obedient this time... but at the expense of what? For I feel... if i started off as a dog all this would never have happened...
And I finally understood why all those things happened that occurred before this... I weep silent, bitter tears for my own foolishness and nonsense... I hated myself for being myself... I'm so tired of living... because when I try... I fail; Because when I help... the next thing you know is you get blamed for things; Because when I played the nice guy... I got stabbed in the back; Because when I opened my heart... people left; And most importantly... ... MOST importantly...
Because... when I needed some shoulder to lean on... I realize I couldn't find one... Am I lonely? What exactly does that mean... ... ... I don't know... anymore... =X
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