Jinxed and Silly

This post today not the same as always... It shall be a post to myself... A post that I scold myself yea... ...

Don't you realise how much trouble you caused everyone around you? and now you are telling yourself... you don't know what to do now? So now what? bug more people and rant about your problems when FYI everyone around you already have their own problems just they keep mum about it... Just STOP being so dependent and immature... Fall and fall again and never get up... Perhaps you are just not making the effort and blaming other factors for your own doing. YES I admit that making excuses and reasons for not doing something or what is conveneient and that is what most people do...

A jinx... Looking back now I do feel so very much... And with every word I read I feel reaapearing scars and replaying annecdotes... I am confused now about feelings... I thought so... But is it? Or was it it was just an excuse and all from the start... Maybe there was nothing... Maybe I was too imaginative and under intense pressure I just had to come up with a reason to hide the fact that I am truely horrible? If only I had a gift to help people and not harm people around me... If only good things come and never go... Becuz fate just keeps making me happy one moment but the next is followed but the most terrible news...

I lied to myself... swearing isolation and immolation of the memory... But I peeked and got burnt on the embers... And I just wanted to say to myself you know... YOU STUPID PATHETIC DUMB DUMB... Cry over silly things SILLY YOU and SILLY INTERPRETATIONS... Just when you never shed a tear since the last incident you had to break that today... Just when you promise you break them... Just as controlling you failed... And just as failure you are is to be a good friend and scare people away...

Impending doom in just two days... And here you are blogging away... GET A LIFE! Or even better have no life then... JUST make sure you give people their lives... you want to no life just no life alone dun ask people for help... You wanna lonely is your problem... You want to turn back is your own desire which is by the way UNACCOMPLISHABLE!!! Bang your head into the wall or something... Just WAKE UP WILL YOU!!! Wake up from all your dreams that are nonsensical and silly... Wake up from the dreams of brothers and the good times together! Wake up from the fact you are now wasting precious time scolding yourself when all this should be happening in your mind and NOT TYPING IT HERE!!! GOSH!!! I am ashamed of myself...

You ought to be ashamed when you said so quickly out of rashness that you were going to go and change and get a makeover and all... You can lie and people forgive you... BUT can you forgive yourself or not? Can you not feel that passion last time when u said that? why is it always let's start tommorow BUT never let's start here and now... Why is it you are so indecisive and never letting go... Why are you severing ties but hoping to get back together again... Why do you still have the cheek and the face to appear in the life of someone you ruined again... And worst ask if we can be friends again? After all those things you did... NOW you wanna ruin someone's life all over again when maybe they are finally liberated from your torment...

You are sick becuz u dunno what is it is with your heart... You damn fucking asshole... You jerk who only make people think of a certain image becuz u paint it that way through your powerful words... Propaganda yea? well STOP IT!!! Unintentionally is an EXCUSE AGAIN!!! HELLO THIS IS THE 21ST CENTURY!!! HELLO HELLO!!!! It is the time of change... SO CHANGE YOU SISSY!!!

Don't say for others... becuz you know what other dun care a freaking deal about your life... they already have their own life to care about... Yea cold... I know... But this is reality you moron so open your eyes and take it all in... Dun abuse yourself and worse dun abuse those around you by abusing yourself... Keep mum and always silent... Try to solve things YOURSELF... And please please stop being such a drag and complain and moan about everything that you are going to fail... Are u a MAN or not? If you are a man fail and fail again who cares ulitmately whether you fail now does not affect you in the future... Mutually exclusive yea? DUMB IDIOT... claim you good at math yet you associate present and past as a subset of the future...

You are a pig and so fat by the way... Gosh you are ugly too... just people are not willing to say it out... dun be so conceited when you scold yourself... Look into the mirror and ask yourself are you right? RIGHT? ALRIGHT? ALRIGHT? Looks may not be everything... sure brains is what is something just... looks is everything else... in a society that is so fast paced people take one look at you and judge you... justify? nah... you think they care? HEck la you... bunch of bullshit... It's no wonder you jinx people... you JINX yourself...

You are truely shameless becuz you want to be friends with the person whom you ruined the life of... you are inconsiderate and irresponsible... You are what? a sight for sore eyes... and you still can ignore that and treat it as the other party wants to too... yea right? who would... and then you now complaining to the whole world about this... ZIP IT HOMO!!!!

You know what's your problem... ... You're FAT, UGLY, SILLY, CALLOUS, INCONSIDERATE, MANIPULATIVE, DEPENDENT, SISSY and DEFENSIVE... Seriously, dun be a life wrecker and just shoo... Just die off if you want la... for the love of god... if you dun have a life just go die... Hundreds and thousands of people die daily... so what makes u so special? It's not like someone dies and there is global mourning... People can say everyone is unique... but unique is not a show that u are important... and really... u are insignificant and just nothing... for those that care... yes they will mourn and grive but after that... what happens? life goes on and u gone. If you dun have a life... really la go jump off the building la or something... dun ruin people's lives and say things you dun mean... dun be a parasite for the people you love when you yourself have no life... U FREAK la bastard... and that may just as well be... DRY!!!

Three

Three... ... Three days of agony, three days of pain... Three days for exams, three shots for hope... From family three and class 4e3 in secondary school... My life is full of threes... Looking back... J1 passed so fast... Secondary school even faster... Yet strangely I wondered why during those times everything felt so slow and monotonous... I chuckle to myself at those flashbacks that playback sporadically like some spoilt recorder... How vivid they were yet how bland it tasted at that moment... Memories... you cherish only when you look back... This pain and agony now...? Maybe in the future when I look back I will laugh? And mock at how instantaneous time flies by...

Adapting... Adapting to a different life... Had to admit old life will be perfect to people... To study day in and out like a zombie and get grades that will make people envious... Concentration more recovered and tangible... Miss the discarded part of my life... Feels lonely somehow... never felt this way last time when I was living this life... Now something seems lacking... ...

First day of exams... Feeling of new spirits and new hopes... All to last until seeing.... Shattered impressions and determination... Felt the gloom creep through my body. So intense just sudden flashes of memories I said were to be stored away and locked up... Felt utterly disturbed and wanted to run away but i guess I can't... Different atmosphere in JJ now... ... Everything feels new like I just came to JJC... To adapt to this new 'old' self... and life... Can't sleep a day without feeling something missing...

Three papers to go... one down two to go... But three candles each to kindle hope... Three objectives behind three tests...

One to prove mastery and restore forgotten honour for someone lost...

One to heal scars and regain the glory...

and...

One to make the legacy of a certain someone who left live on...

And a last fourth... for myself... as someone always said last time... ... Do it for yourself...

A Gloomy Lonely Night

It is so late now... Quiet of course and dark... Parents went out to casino today and I am all alone at home tonight to revise from exams and watch some late night TV as accompaniment... Today was not a great day... Feeling rather gloomy now as I speak... as gloom as the darkest before dawn yea?

Saw something that made my spirits dropped a hundred fold... Feeling horrible now haha... But still I have to study into the wee hours of morning I have no options... Perhaps to hide away and numb myself too in the revision... Yet strangely doing math kinda makes things worst... Mind's sharp and concentration is at maximum but heart distracted and thinking of something worlds apart... But nevertheless the impending arrival of doomsday is an alarm that keeps ringing in my ears... I fear... ...

Do I want to be depressed? soaking in my own mental production yet conveneintly people always say they can't help it... Can I? I dun know... but gloomy like there are dark clouds looming over my head... Reassessing things nowadays and thinking through certain things... Ran away from some close friends of mine... Hey sorry... But I hope you understand becuz even I can't handle it... so I wish to stay far far away from you guys... I know this will impact you guys... So I am going to go into hiding... =(

On a gloomy night all alone and serene... Drunk in mathematical stupor and a troubled heart... I wonder and reckon... The story unfolds...

tmr... hangover for sure... ...

A mistake never forgotten... to eliminate but never accomplishable... To sin is to sinner as to sin also a saint... ... Goodbye...

Said so many goodbyes to people this holidays...

Optical Illusion

Is that wheel spinning or not? Is it an animation or just the minds eye playing tricks on you... Yea... it is an optical illusion that makes you think that the wheel is moving when in fact it is stationary and it is your eyes that are moving...

Many things around us... different perceptions... multi faceted views of the same issues... Some callous grasp the giest of the trick... some average ones scan through and experiment... while the meticulous yet slow scruntinize the minute issues of the larger picture... What we move on... we forget and accept... Yet moving on sometimes we miss out somethings small but interesting... some things maybe important yet dull looking...

To stare life in the eyes... like a gazebo from the top... like spinning wheel that is an optical illusion... Too big too vast for one person alone to play... spot the difference... Sometimes... sometimes... you dun have to be alone... because with people around you and with the company of some people... from the past, present and those you have not yet met in the future... they will help you see those things you missed out... You'll never know... until you look back now... without... that someone maybe you would never have discovered...

to see the world through a kaleidoscope... mission impossible... yet... I can dream yea?

Etched on the inside... so many things... so much emotions... To never look back and fantacise the future... I can't... can u?

Ignition

My heart is blazing again and my spirit in inferno... I think I am feeling possessed that everychemistry tutorial that I redo from chapter one the more I want more and MORE practice... That feeling of satisfaction and joy when you redo the whole piece of work and get full marks and perfect scores without reference and after chunking down the whole chemistry syllabus needed for the common test it is just so empowering... That feeling that you are unstoppable and in sync with your soul, your heart, your mind and your actions... A symphony of a well orchestrated cacophony of genres...

Going to finish maths in just one day... I know I can do it... Those tested before topics are in my grasp and I know everything about those topics until the roots of them all... It will be accomplishable...and chemistry saga almost over soon... leaving bio which I am all amped and fired up to sit and study without eating or anything from morning till night when i finish my math and chemisty...

it is all for that moment of glory that i can envision now... To gain back immortality and passion absolute... and in the midst I am enjoying it all... I am crazy... NUTS because I feel so alive studying and memorising and doing work that it rushes through every vein and every muscle like some pulsation of adrenaline rushing... Watch out... Zhao Mian is back to beat those that he has bitter cold vengeance for... those who ever defeated him for any test at all... I remember never forgotten... even yuting dun forget 1/5 in J1 ah... This time I will make sure I win you 5 times the power also... and people like ... ... and ... ... hiak hiak hiak you have no idea who you are dealing with =)))) and what I am going to unleash...

I am on fire... nothing can extinguish me now... in a state of insanity that is numbing me of all other things around me... ... bro? hahaha... ...

Unknowingly Traumatised

What is wrong with me? No fear. no worry, no anxiety... A string of common tests are drawing ever so near... yet my heart feels indifferent and no passion... Saw someone's MSN pm said: passion eliminates everything. U know, I am not going to rebutt that saying because I agree that it is true. That with fire and willpower, even the highest mountains will be scaled, and the wildest of animals tamed. But what happens when you don't have that passion anymore...

These days keep telling myself and everyone that I had lost my fire and passion for the living. Been depressed and dejected all this time. Sort of feel sorry for myself too. But you know to acknowledge your own sin, as one of my friends said to me on MSN before, that all humans are sinned and hence the world should be destroyed. That was an extreme measure, but so true you know. When I myself am a sin of the seven greatest sins : Wrath, Sloth, Envy, Lust, Slavery, Gluttony and Pride.

Been fooling myself all this time. Because I believe that my fire was doused. All this time just trying to seek solutions only to bide some time and not ignite my engines. Telling myself and everyone that I am going to die for exams and all when no one doubted me in the first place, and only myself. But then all this time, trying to find back that spark what have i been doing? Lazing around and waiting for inspiration to come and refusing to believe that fire comes from within and not outside. And that maybe all this while... That fire was all the while waiting for its master to rekindle and not the other way round...

Even after admitting to myself all this plain hard truth. I ask myself you know... Keep asking myself... Why am I not igniting my engines? What is keeping me even after I know the answer. That all this while all I had to do was to just move on. Watched this video about moving on: People always say 'but it's not easy to change'. And I tell them... ' If u think so... ... It's all up here!'.

And then I digged deeper. What is it that makes me such a LOSER now, feeling sorry over myself and trying to seek sympathy and all when everything was all up there. And I am just avoiding the jumpstart just going around in circles and refusing to just START! START to do so many many things... Start to let go... start to ignite... start to accept... start to stop DREAMING...

I confess you know... I confess now to everyone that everyday whenever I wake up... It's not that I sleep a lot you know... I woke up... Just I don't wanna get out of bed and just wanna continue to lie there and dream. And when I say dream I mean thinking of the good times and things that may never ever happen... FAT HOPES, and false imaginations to deceive yourself. What is wrong with me you know? Am I in? Or am I out? Do you wanna let go? or not?



Just keep having that feeling you know that... NO ONE in the world will ever be this and that... and it is ONLY you and NO ONE ELSE...

I finally realise towards the end... scars not apparent... but scars on the inside... I have a trauma that I never realised and that is why... I refuse to ignite myself... not that I lost my fire... IT IS I DUN WANNA LIGHT IT... WHAT AM I AFRAID OF? Why do I choose to be stuck and not move on when I could just stand up and walk away like nothing ever happened... What is this trauma this mental barrier that I am facing...

Nothing is an excuse... Only lies to yourself... that YOU CANNOT MAKE IT!!! When other people somewhere else has already let go so long ago, why are you still so insistent and draggy? And still wanna delude yourself and tell people around you how pitiful you are when you are making yourself the pitiful one all the while... But what is this trauma I dunno... But snap AWAKE PLZ... becuz living in fantasy and your own delusional 'safety and sanctuary' will only speed you towards inevitable doomsday...

It was never I think/know I will die... I can't do it... It is not easy... ETC... It was and is ALWAYS... Do you want to let go/ do it or not?

Easier said than done... now what is it you want? going to start tommorow? or finally... TODAY?

Troubled Waters

Troubled waters

A bridge over troubled waters,

a sanctuary, a saint and a savior.

The water wills the willing,

The water shapes the mind,

The water gives the trouble meaning...

Where there is life,

there is water.

Where there is dejection excruciating...

Where there is pain in the heart...

Where there is void in the living...

Let us see ourselves and reflect.

Let us see the lustrous pool and reckon.

Let us see the flowing stream and tear.

Let not the fury of the troubled waters,

that is just above the mellow.

Water takes all shapes and sizes...

versatility in the truest of senses.

To adapt to the changes

and change ones being.

to mould the spirit

to an unbendable one.

A water bender true... a water bender false...

Compel the passion of the water.

A fire has been extinguished.

A spirit yet more dampened...

A look from the safety of bridges...

A look from the top of troubled waters...

Yourself

in the troubled waters below...

dreams never lie... just like a giant python with glaring yellow eyes... and the latency of water bending in the astral planes... troubled waters...

Extinguishment

Life nowadays... like a dream so vague... motives so unclear... A mysterious shroud obscures the future and a dampened spirit exists in the present... A holiday so long yet so stale... A heated arguement, a heartbreak, a goodbye and a refreactory period... What next? Everyday is of no life... everyday is of monotony and yawns... yet strangely something seems missing... yet something seems lost too...

Feel so empty everyday... doing the same thing everyday which I would summarise as... NOT STUDYING! A dream that is like nothing is wrong... yet instinctively you know something is wrong... haha... still can't forget but I am trying everyday... hooked on that delicious waffles now... eat them everyday... Spiralling spiralling into nothingness and bland taste...

The fire is gone... the fire of passion... the fire to do everything with enthusiasm and intention... It has been extinguished! Gone... Now everything seems vague and everything I do seems nonsensical... To rediscover the passion and rekindle the flame... I need to go on a journey... mostly becuz I watched too much TV and drama serials always say when one gets dejected they go on a trip LOL... alright... sense of humour here...

I wonder when i will wake up and smell the rotting apples... See the things around me and reignite my spirits... For all we know tmr may just be the day that will never come... the end of the world... the apocalypse... To think about the future so far only to have been restricted to myopia because of pessimistic thinking... To be far-sighted and see the future... ignore the rotting apples now and envision the light... and man that is a optimist who is btw of FOLLY!!!

A few things in my heart and of the mind... a confusion and a lost sheep... I wish... I can think of something now... becuz I am rotting... Like the apples I see... when i was once an alpha red apple...

To forget someone... is to forget a part of yourself... ... And to forget yourself... You lose inevitably... ... meaning... ...

A Rift In Dimensions

Finally found the taste that I hadn't tasted for so long today... That taste that is not say gourmet delicious or a taste that makes you go insane. I finally found the waffle of the old... Of my childhood...the waffle that I tasted much as a young boy and my mum would always buy home for me to eat after work. That primitive waffle that seems to have disappeared without us noticing... And evolution of the taste buds has created a new waffle that is more crispy and more brown too...

That primitive waffle, so green last time and not crispy at all... This was never a find for the most perfect waffle or the most delicious waffle just that taste you have longed so long yet forgotten over time... And when you take that bite... Just this sudden excitement in the heart and gosh maybe I am malodrama but I felt a tear jerk though i never cried...

Just an ordinary old bakery with cheap waffles at 80 cents a piece which is by the way impossible to find nowadays... The first thing that enticed me was how green the waffle was when the modern waffle is all brown and all... This waffle was green as emerald, not a light shade of green but a rich one... A whiff from not faraway so enticing the aroma of freshly made pandan waffles... You just don't smell that aroma anymore... When shops sold waffles last time there used to be this nice fragrance of pandan but now it seems we never ever smell it anymore... Look into yourself everyone and remember with me that smell that is so enticing and so refreshing and wets the appetite...

A bite into the waffle not very crispy or hard... Just so soft with the surface slightly crisp but unlike the modern crisp of waffles we taste today... and then comes the moment when your eyes just light up when the taste of it all floods your tongue and you get all excited... So rich a taste and the waffle doesn't melt in your mouth, that is exaggearation but as you chew it gets sweeter and sweeter (Becuz of action of salivery amylase on the waffle so point is NOT DRAMA) and after chewing awhile there is just this feeling I dun wanna swallow, but just keep chewing it into a fine consistency... I dunno if anyone else have that feeling... Just wanna chew it and make it into a nice paste in your mouth before swallowing... But I tell you,this may not be the Best waffle in the world... It's texture less crisp than what people want of crispy waffles... Rich pandan taste that some people may not like... Just the taste... the taste is so rich you'll never find it anymore... and waffle that is so soft inside but is cooked and not watery or anything... It is cooked just soft like a cake, not sponge cake but just soft.

Eating that waffle, I smiled... A crack in dimensions as all those stuff not so recent just comeback when you were a child... And as memories slowly return seeing yourself this empty feeling yet excited... ... Want to share with everyone... Tell everyone to eat this waffle it is absoultely good... maybe not good in taste for some (but i find it the best i tasted so far though ppl may laugh my taste bad) but good for... the soul...

Never really enjoyed waffles for a time... Used to love them in the past... but as I grew up I gradually forgot about it... Someone made me rekindle my love for waffles... I remembered so many times we had waffles together and critic about each one we had... Reminescence brings tears to the eyes... A tale I remember ended not so long ago... Tried erasing but never was it easy for a minute... wish i could share with this person... the first person that came to my mind... ...

Secret: Your birthday surprise one of it was supposed to be a waffle cake, because I know you are crazy about waffles and I wanted to make a waffle flavour for you... Yet although started from january and keep experimenting with mixture proportion... I never succeeded... ... sorry... ...

But looking at reality... A rift in dimensions as well as the heart... ... I wanted to tell you... ... ... ...

Wraith of the present

Times just slip through our fingers like the fine grains of sand... Those tiny bits of memories that we cherish so much... those smitherines of a broken heart from the downside of reality... those tiny clouds when we were in heavean and wished we stayed there... Unfortunately... Life is an hourglass glued to a table... It is at moments of the future when we look back do we see ourselves in black and white... when bad things or good things undifferentiable and emotions integrated... Do we realise how much we hope things could turn back and the sands of time go backflow... ...

When the times are lost we regret... Those sad moments... those happy moments... You truely loved them all... Becuz when u were in those downs of life how much you hate them and wanna escape and hide forever... you will only realise now and perhaps laugh at your own folly or even feel the sense of glee that the obstacle is over and you my dear stronger...

I have been plagued and afflicted... I use these terms loosely... by all these memroies that seem to erupt from every corner of my mind and every crevice of my unexplored sub-concious... See those places around you... and sense that deja vu or see your own mini movie that goes playback in your mind like a film without sound... That split second of silence in your mind and perhaps smile to yourself and mourn the past has ended... ...

When sleeping had became light and dreams ever heavy... When waking up dreads you when those dreams were illusions of innate desire and doors to doubts and motivations... When all seems so surreal it thins the line between reality and fantsay and you truely believe... it vanishes like that... never to last... only to taste...

To vanquish that inner demon in you... To open doors to new dimensions and to move on to the present... I see shadows of the past... To forget I dun forget... yet to forget i wish i forgot... The process of erasing ever so desire forgetfulness...

To seal off a part of you in a box locked far far away... In the darkest part of your imagination... A part of you that is really you and so eagerly wants to get out... I just wonder so much if to accept your being means to change yourself for the better... When you don't want something to happen so much becuz it is WRONG... yet you enjoy it... ... A wraith that exists in your darkest and most secret mind...

If there was a choice... I choose to believe there was one to begin with...

It's What Is Impossible

Ice as cold and merciless as the bitter winter frost... A chill that strikes down to the bone and send shivers down the spine... The absolute zero that numbs the nerves and shatters the living... The teachings of harsh winter is the will of the heart... The might of the will and of the decisiveness of the actions. It is the brain and the mind... The eyes to the world, the perception of the living and the bulldozer to the future...

Fire as warm as passion and affection... The gentle breeze of winter's end... The intense scorch of the summer sun... It burns the soul and fuels the desire. An intense heat that melts all matter and cremates the frost... The courtesy to the flame: The love for life and all there with it. It is the heart and the soul; the remnants of the past and the evidence of the present. The key to thyself and understanding the future...

When beings of equal powers in every manner manifest and coexist... will there ever be harmony? When opposites attract much as opposite poles... we call it polarity and southern charms... but then again... they attract to conflict and overpower they exist to balanace as balance is to eternal... When your mind fights with your heart... it is a constant struggle one has to endure... When there is no harmony between you and yourself... Then the strife exists...

But when the time comes... Ask yourself this question... If u have every power in the world to destroy an enemy... and the enemy also has the power to destroy you... When the epic battle is to onset will you dare face the enemy knowing that only one will survive and that it is either you win or end up destroyed will you still do that?

Fire and ice touch... Water is formed... The end result of two deaths but seemingly something new is formed... But non can debate that fire and frost can never exist together at the same time... it is what is impossible... When something your soul and heart burns so intensely is something you CANNOT do... when the frost is so bitter it beats against the genesis of being and forces upon the extinguish of flare... You accept it...

It is not a choice you have... it is in your being and shall be forever with you... You can try to change it and cover up the matter but ultimately one day you will know... It was never a choice for you to make...

Flashes are happening ever so frequently... I relinquish it's existence but I detest its logic... ... I can't believe it...

Wavelength

Everything's changing everyday... time is moving, the future is pending and the present is ever unfolding... To start life anew? How quaint... Life is a cycle and a circle has no beginning... to start from the origin you must first find the threshold... But gosh... where to start? when a circle has no ends...

Different people, different perception. Different points different beginnings... but at the end of the day everyone reaches the same place and there we meet in the afterlife... There are no sinners, there are no saints there are only homosapiens... To err is to human, and to perfect is to god? When perfection is your goal, then are we dreaming a dream too big? Will a perfectionist ever find satisfaction in this world of no happily-ever-afters?

As mysterious as the Stone Henge, as beautiful as the aurora of the nothern hemisphere... the beauty of life, the mystique of living... What is of the mind translate to living? When things of the mind ever so fickle ever so illusory... A wonderland of fantasy! Sum up reality, envision virtuality. Is it really possible these two co-exist?

A mind split in two... a neurosis of human dopagangher. When two beings coincide in one... two faces of a coin... two emotions in one... To surpress the fake and surface the genuine... I wonder what is the real you? Perhaps they both are just different wavelength same frequency. What is a wavelength of a human? It is the mental subconcious state of a person. To tap onto both is the key... The theory of yin-yang... black and white with a dot of the opposite on both for balance...

A new life how unfamiliar yet nostalgic... Where do I start? When life is a cycle with no beginnings... When every point to start looks almost the same... what to do? what to choose?

It is to trust yourself. Close your eyes... choose a dot at random... and START!

The Conclusion

Time has froze for as long as i remembered... that moment of acceptance and deception... Took a journey to revisit the past to make clearer the present and so make brighter the future... On this journey knots were untied... knots that had been there for ages and ages never solved but only obscured and hid away to be pretended as solved... I had done horrible things on this attempt to end all dead ends...

And in the end... when i used the most underhand means to get what i want... the fact lies in front of me... that getting what i want was just an illusion... i can always have a person's body and actions... but when it comes down to the heart it will never be forced out...

I lost myself on this journey to the past... lost myself on this pursuit to clarify the present... went insane for a future I wished I had... sanity was in short supply because i never could control that emotional strain that all this dealts to me... Which is why i choose death as an answer to sum it all up...

I was a crackpot... a freak... a madman... insane and crazy... I felt HATE in every vein and muscle so much i thought i had to kill someone and i did... ... To many i guess u would never have guess the night before this could well had been my last night on Earth... When i popped those sleeping pills into my mouth and went to sleep i thought i will never see the light of day...

That near death experience... but for all... dun worry i survived miraculously and i want to share with everyone what death is like...

Death is fear... becuz on that impulse of losing a brother i lost myself... I popped those deadly toxic pills into my mouth and swallowed them... 12 of them yea... 12 for 12 things i regretted i had done... At that moment i wanted to die to embrace death with open arms... wanted to die with style and leave this world and so never be a burden... but after around fifteen minutes I suddenly felt this pain in my stomach... and i told myself... this is death coming... and for that moment not exaggearting at all is that i dun feel like dying... I WAS REALLY SCARED... as i see so many things about death to be afraid about!

I knew if i ignored that stomach pain and slept on i would have died... for by that time the drug had sort of kicked in and my head was heavy my vision was blurring... BUt at that moment when it seemed i was going to sleep eternal... I used every l;ast ounce of my energy and vomitted becuz i felt like vomitting... I vomitted out at least 6 pills or more and by that time i was exhausted and already halfway to collapse.... I wanted so much to vomit out the rest of the pills becuz i told myself with that last breath... 'I dun wanna die...'

But i just couldn't vomit them out those last few pills... and by this time my head was spinning... and darkness glazed my eyes and mind... i wanted to call my parents for help... had done all this secretly but i found this voice telling me if i told them i would be in trouble... so i told myself... lets just sleep becuz i really cannot take it anymore... and really i knocked out... and thought it was... the end...

Woke up in the morning to a concerned fren who called me so many times to see if i was alive... thanks yea... that made me realise i was still alive but though unconcious... only officially woke up at 6pm near 7pm and even then i was still drowsy... Feels so strange to be alive when u are supposed to be dead... feels so weird that if I hadn't vomit and just laid and waited to sleep i could have said sayonara to this world...

What is death like? It's like a dream... a dream so distant and peaceful... as much this may be the last sleep i will ever have... an eternal slumber... i had a great dream though... a dream that i was going out with someone... and it was really happy...

Back to reality again... i just wanna say OMG that i survived and could still tell the tale... I see what death is like... and now i question... to vomit and stomachache what is that? becuz when i researched... sleeping pills dun cause stomachaches and then i came to this conclusion... that maybe sub consciously i didn't wanna die ALOT so at that moment i popped those pills in... my mind rejected it so much it made me feel a stomach pain so i will expel those pills out... it was... my will to LIVE...

Yes i know... to some this tale is so ever dramatic but i am telling the truth of it all... not a single lie or drama... its really the whole thing... just to reject death and chicken out at the last minute... i wonder still... am i weak that i fear death? or is it I am strong enough to fight death?

Like the phoenix rises from the ashes... I died ytd but was given a new life today... Maybe... it was not my time to go afterall... but what of the 'death card' i got from doing tarot reading... I guess it means... the death of something old... and the rise of something new... A big change which is the death card's alternate meaning... Like the phoenix i will rise with this new chance of 50-50 i survived...

With a new life... i savour new hope...

There's something i haven been dying to do for so long le...

The End

50:50

Its a game of chance fifty fifity... where it lands no one knows... yea I am gambling with life... Now i feel sleepy... whether i wake up tmr... i dunno yea... feel super drowsy about to collapse... byee ppl

Turning back

It appears that things are turning towards the nasty side... what is beautiful overlying what is truely real and gruesome... What is past is coming back... what is future is being distorted... and what is now is getting vague... It's time to take a journey... because time is not moving... it has become stagnant... froze at that instant of deception and acceptance...

It's time to review and reflect what is of the past... think of the future and understand the present... To turn the hands of time and discover what had been left out... It is time to take a journey...

A journey to explore the past... before the clock can finally move again... and life goes on... It is time... to revisit a flashback... and untie this knot once and for all wherever in time it had came about...

Breaking Point

When things are just right in front of you... when things are just there to grasp... when things seem so easy and effortless... when things are beyond your control... They are in fact killing you from the inside...

Reaching breaking point... as i stare and stare, wishing so hard yet surpressing myself harder... that feeling in you that so wants to struggle to come out... much like the phoenix force which I have been so obsessed about recently in X-men... That immense power that is pushing against mental barriers... To do what is right and do what is wrong... to stop yourself from doing things that inside so desires so fanatically... U stop and dun fight... I query though... when we stop... are we weak becuz we cannot do it? or is it we are strong enough not to do it?

Howling in my heart and mind... a light hearted sleep... I wonder how long i shall endure this torment that is eating into me and affecting my thoughts so much... Feel like releasing that pent up emotions at something yet sadly... i can't... I must control it... MASTER it! But it's so getting harder all the time... I watch with eyes ablaze with that one moment of heart turn to steel i resisted and pressed that button... I know no one knows what i am talking about... but everytime i just wanna say it really takes out a lot out of me...

When things are to be changed... not for u but for something u want... won't u try your bestest? when coersion leads to yourself growing... when looking into the past will help u discover what is to be corrected... perhaps history will provide some insights... perhaps some background too... controlling that ever stockpiling energy inside me... surpressing like there's no tomorrow... I must control it... and one day i know it will pay off... I must be strong as iron, hard as diamond so that i can achieve that dream...

Holidays seem to be flying fast... everyone nowadays seems to be posting blog entries about nostalgia... is it almost time to say goodbye to everyone? =( nostalgia in rhapsodies of a lost memory... ... ... ... I remember so well... the memories...

Feels like dying now... perhaps i should go sleep... so i can stop controlling... but until then in my sleep and when i am awake a battle wages inside me... to surpress that part of myself... That desrie so radiant like the glorious sun (the picture is that of the sun btw for thos who still dunno)... ... T.T

brothers? brother where are u? i miss u so much i cry every night yea... ...

A Mad Jungle

A forgotten piece of land... allowed for time to let it grow... When plants grow they grow to survive... to compete, to out grow... the tenacity of nature at work... yet other times when u look more closely... perhaps to survive we have forgotten a part of ourselves... The part that does what is best for everyone, the part that is pure and beautiful and never a meshwork of vines and overgrown weeds that is the ugliest of human nature... There is little option for such a thing... in fact there is only one... we need to devegetate this piece of land and stop it before it is even worse... For we have lost... our sanity in this wilderness we created...

Whether u destroy this land and leave it bare... whether u do it now... whether u do it later it will still be the same... what is left is but a barren piece of land... devoid of all life and of all memories if there were any... But to ask yourself why? why? why? to kill a part of you for it is of no choice... to accept a piece of wilderness or to accept a piece of empty land there after that may bloom one day or not? to take that gamble?

Life is a gamble... No one knows what cards u are holding onto... whether u will win? whether u will lose? It is an irony because we ourselves have no idea what cards we are holding onto... but it is till the end when we show hand do we finally understand what we stand to win and lose... for some it will be a period of acceptance... for others a moment of joy that is a photo shoot forever embedded in memories as a day of celebration... yet a third special case... for the rare... a draw that leaves u a chance to go another round...

To destroy your own creation? is it not painful? where all the memories so fond so dear reduced... no is DECIMATED!!! Injection of some emotions will u plz? No matter how ugly something it is... when born out of your own two hands will u not feel the pain that is so sharp it pierces the soul so deep... If destroying was so easy... then your mother would have aborted u knowing that what she created would be ugly or stupid or fat or weak or what? What i am saying... I beckoning and reckoning the days... While u eradicate this wild creation of yours don't for a second take it for granted... As much unruly the forest I loved it so much I wanna cry... But to leave me no option it is the only way...

What of a piece of land? That has been scarred by flame... will the scar be forever persistent? A scar so deeply engraved in both parties memories and heart that shall never be forgotten... Red scars on the earth's surface like some scorch marks left by inhumane beasts... I beckon the deforestors to wake up and see their doing... the vast destruction that is their responsibility and what they call home!

What will become of it now? Perhaps a barren land from now on... then maybe a tormented forest would have been better? NO... because it is what is necessary... when things u want so much so dear... will breed unhappiness... when coersion will only lead to parasitism... when this way will stab yourself through the heart and numb the mind... it is to accept the truth that perhaps it may never be what u dream of now, the past or even in the future.. but doing what is necessary even if it means the future may be bleak after this... But it is all for that one chance... For that one chance which is no longer about the cards in your hands... but for a chance called... HOPE!!!

Perhaps with the purest of wishes... A hope may arise... To do what is truely not what u want it takes a heart of steel... to finally take that axe and chop down that tree... to kill and suffocate a part of yourself and then let time and nature heal itself... A seedling of hope u plant in this barren land after deforestation... will it survive? no one can for a 100% sure tell u a YES... T.T Now what is of the elements... the sun, the rain and maybe the lonely moonlight shall guide this young hope on its way... a single tree that shall grow and blossom and perhaps one day... just one day this tiny hope will heal the scars...

Yes... there are no cures for scars... a scar is a permanent mark... but with time this hope may just... with the slightest of chance survival... grow and lush the land... cover the scars and start a new chapter... overlying what was once a wrecked vegetation... at last shine through and become the true meadow that everyone wished for from the start...

I dun wanna stop what i want... but for the sake of everyone else... for u, and for myself... it is to accept... becuz there is only one option... and there is only an option of not to accept or accept... and I choose... to believe in that seedling... becuz... i still love u so much bro... T.T

Self Deception

It's a long time since I last blogged... this blog has been dead for many weeks... mainly because its owner was away... Away on a fairytale vacation, a dream... ... From cloud 9 to hell, that is what is reality... differentiate what is virtual and realise what is really real, and very soon you will find yourself further away from your fantasy...


What is to be in self-denial... that is to lie to yourself to tell yourself what u want to know but not what is to know... The truth is a medicine bitter sweet... taste the sarcasm, how rich it really is... I dun mean to scrutinise the truth and its 'after-taste'... but really who likes it when things dun go their way? Everyone wants things to go their way... who doesn't? But the ultimate decisive criterion is who has what it takes to accept what truely is not meant to go their way... For those who can I applaud u... for those who dun... >.< I understand...



Going home on an average journey... what is similar is so nostalgic... as u reminisce the past and question the future... every trip never the same... things dun ever change... but u change! a certain feeling of loneliness perhaps? what is to be lost? what has yet to be lost? and what exactly are u looking for?



Is there a compromise with everything u ever disagree with someone? If one says yes and one says no? Who is to let go? who is to surrender? Who is to play second fiddle? Is there truely a answer that is a balance of both? What of 'ok'? Ok = 50% yes and 50% no? Then what is 'ok'? Is that an oxymoron within itself? And if that truely is the case then tell me... tell me... What is the intermediate of a yes and a no? becuz... I dunno... T.T



The math lecturer Mr Seah Said something which set me thinking today... He raised a scenario about a friend who lied... and the other friend who was the victim of the lie confronted the liar of a friend and said... 'U always lie... Why do u always lie?'



It's just a one time isn't it? Why is it a one time mistake can be transformed into an eternal sin in the the minds of the people? If we can forgive and forget... then really... why is it when we argue we bring up things of the past? the painful ones? =( I wish people only thought of all the good times and so that negativity will quickly be nullified... and a bond even stronger...



Heart got pulled out a few days ago... Really never have been so sad in my entire life... Last few times maybe I had overreacted but when it boils don to the last... this time... it really felt like a part of me died... Still thinking of so many things... so many things I wanna solve, i wanna make better... yet sadly... I can't T.T What is the source u look for when u need to make the most painful decisions? when it means losing someone that really matters so much to u... it hurts... When things are the right thing to do... yet doing the right thing is like stabbing your own heart and then allowing it to heal after sometime...



Yet other times... I wish so hard and wish so dear... my one and only wish... a birthday wish... a new year resolution and sorts... All my wishes all the same but sadly... I guess somethings are not meant to be yours and they will never be... Wishing for a feeling that is so magically impossible...


Yet other times too... A promise to yourself... and a reminder... to never lose hope... a knot to seal it off... which comes from the depths of your heart... Searching for the lost B... ...