What is wrong with me? No fear. no worry, no anxiety... A string of common tests are drawing ever so near... yet my heart feels indifferent and no passion... Saw someone's MSN pm said: passion eliminates everything. U know, I am not going to rebutt that saying because I agree that it is true. That with fire and willpower, even the highest mountains will be scaled, and the wildest of animals tamed. But what happens when you don't have that passion anymore...These days keep telling myself and everyone that I had lost my fire and passion for the living. Been depressed and dejected all this time. Sort of feel sorry for myself too. But you know to acknowledge your own sin, as one of my friends said to me on MSN before, that all humans are sinned and hence the world should be destroyed. That was an extreme measure, but so true you know. When I myself am a sin of the seven greatest sins : Wrath, Sloth, Envy, Lust, Slavery, Gluttony and Pride.
Been fooling myself all this time. Because I believe that my fire was doused. All this time just trying to seek solutions only to bide some time and not ignite my engines. Telling myself and everyone that I am going to die for exams and all when no one doubted me in the first place, and only myself. But then all this time, trying to find back that spark what have i been doing? Lazing around and waiting for inspiration to come and refusing to believe that fire comes from within and not outside. And that maybe all this while... That fire was all the while waiting for its master to rekindle and not the other way round...
Even after admitting to myself all this plain hard truth. I ask myself you know... Keep asking myself... Why am I not igniting my engines? What is keeping me even after I know the answer. That all this while all I had to do was to just move on. Watched this video about moving on: People always say 'but it's not easy to change'. And I tell them... ' If u think so... ... It's all up here!'.
And then I digged deeper. What is it that makes me such a LOSER now, feeling sorry over myself and trying to seek sympathy and all when everything was all up there. And I am just avoiding the jumpstart just going around in circles and refusing to just START! START to do so many many things... Start to let go... start to ignite... start to accept... start to stop DREAMING...
I confess you know... I confess now to everyone that everyday whenever I wake up... It's not that I sleep a lot you know... I woke up... Just I don't wanna get out of bed and just wanna continue to lie there and dream. And when I say dream I mean thinking of the good times and things that may never ever happen... FAT HOPES, and false imaginations to deceive yourself. What is wrong with me you know? Am I in? Or am I out? Do you wanna let go? or not?
Just keep having that feeling you know that... NO ONE in the world will ever be this and that... and it is ONLY you and NO ONE ELSE...
I finally realise towards the end... scars not apparent... but scars on the inside... I have a trauma that I never realised and that is why... I refuse to ignite myself... not that I lost my fire... IT IS I DUN WANNA LIGHT IT... WHAT AM I AFRAID OF? Why do I choose to be stuck and not move on when I could just stand up and walk away like nothing ever happened... What is this trauma this mental barrier that I am facing...
Nothing is an excuse... Only lies to yourself... that YOU CANNOT MAKE IT!!! When other people somewhere else has already let go so long ago, why are you still so insistent and draggy? And still wanna delude yourself and tell people around you how pitiful you are when you are making yourself the pitiful one all the while... But what is this trauma I dunno... But snap AWAKE PLZ... becuz living in fantasy and your own delusional 'safety and sanctuary' will only speed you towards inevitable doomsday...
It was never I think/know I will die... I can't do it... It is not easy... ETC... It was and is ALWAYS... Do you want to let go/ do it or not?
Easier said than done... now what is it you want? going to start tommorow? or finally... TODAY?
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