Who am I? I am Zhao Mian

For the longest time, I’ve always wished to be someone I was not. I wanted to be better so that I could feel more worthy because at the heart of it all I just felt that I was not good enough and that’s why sometimes bad things happen to me. I blamed myself when things around me went wrong – I blamed myself when my friends have problems just because I felt that if I were better I would know what were the right things to say or if I will have the ability to help them solve their problems; I blame myself when my parents fight because I felt that if I were a better son maybe they wouldn’t be arguing as they do… …

I was afraid of standing up for myself at times just because I was afraid to lose friends. So I gave… and kept on giving… I didn’t have the courage to see if friends will leave me when they know the real me~ Even when I knew I was treated badly by some people, I still took it upon myself that it happened because I’m like that. It was because I’m not good enough and too afraid of losing people…

I was once very fat – so obese at 112kg. For all my life, I was laughed at by my very own family and my relatives who were not understanding of my feelings. I developed a hunched back because I wanted to become smaller thinking that hunching will make me look less fat. I felt judged and I judged myself even more. Who would want to be associated with a fugly guy like me? Ironically… it was at the times when I was the biggest that I felt so small… I doubted my existence and wondered if anyone would notice if I left~

So about one year ago, funny story… I was innocently taking an MRT ride home sitting on a non-reserved seat when a middle aged couple came in. The uncle told the auntie to sit at the empty seat beside me.  But the auntie exclaimed: “That guy so fat, sit already where got space? So uncomfortable only…” At that moment, some people snickered while others watched… I felt so judged while at the same time incredibly guilty… I thought to myself: “Just because I’m fat I devoid a lady of the comfort of a seat”. I alighted at the next stop even though it wasn’t my real stop… I just couldn’t take it… I walked all the way home for many hours just dying inside. It changed my life forever though, I went on an incredible weight loss journey with so much determination and willpower in my heart that I was willing to do ANYTHING just to be ‘normal’. So I starved myself and did tons of exercises (phew 3 – 4 hours a day at times for 7 days a week). I emerged transformed… having lost over 40kg. It was a life-changing journey indeed but for some reason… while I felt more confidence within me… I was still afraid and I still felt that at the end of the day… I weren’t good enough :’(

SEP was an amazing experience for me because it was the time when I had all the time in the world to really understand myself better and to see the World for myself. I met amazing people and through them I saw different reflections of myself. At the end of the entire SEP I thought I knew myself better but not really… because I still felt unworthy and I still kept feeling I’m not good enough for everyone around me~

But things happened along the way after… and I really start to realize one important thing:

That as I pretend not to be hurt or affected by what good friends say to me or others (for that matter), I was not happy at all inside. So why do I still put up with something so damaging to myself and make me feel so low and so unworthy?

When I see ‘amazing’ people I always wished I were more like them. So confident, so nice, so good-looking, so smart, so cool, so charismatic… … In short, so ‘not-me’. But then it dawned on me that… you know… no one is identical to anyone else. We’re all different in our own ways yet similar because we’re all humans. But why then do these people seem to sparkle so brightly that I can’t help but feel so unworthy? It’s because they are so confident about themselves, and not just confident about their strengths but also about their bad sides. I know of a physically unattractive person who have so many suitors; I know of a super feminine guy who is so loved and admired by everyone even though being sissy has negative impressions in our society; I know of someone who has a bad CAP but is open about it and still works hard and aims for that second upper…

They all knew that they were not perfect and they all knew they were ‘weird’ in some ways – a deviation from the ‘standard’. A standard that society and her norms had constructed for us to adhere to. In so many ways, I always considered myself an outcast and an abnormality in society. But I ask myself… Why is it that I cannot freaking just accept this in myself and be the person that I am – not the person I want to be?

So what if I am ugly? So what if I am super feminine? So what if I give off a gay vibe? So what if I’m fat? So what if I failed my IPPT? So what if my family is not perfect? So what if I have a best friend who doesn’t see me as one too? So what if I am evergreen? So what if my CAP is 3.9 and I am already in my final year? So what if I am poor and can’t afford many things? So what if I am emotional? So what if I admit that I am not PERFECT?

I’m just tired of putting up with so many things anymore. Why the pretense and the lies… Why do I need to lie to myself and try to be someone I’m not? Do I lack the resolve and the courage to admit to myself (not tell the whole world but JUST myself) that I am what I am. But yet, when I was on my weight loss journey why was I able to push through that last lap on the track even when I was close to fainting with only an apple for the entire day. Yet, when I am asked to present something in class I can do so with such confidence and flair. Where did all that incredible motivation go? The kind that made me feels like I could do anything if I put my mind to it and the only times when I grew and felt equal with everyone.

Some changes in life are necessary just because it helps you to improve yourself and allows you room to grow. But at the same time, some changes are self-thought and they do little to make people who don’t care about you any more happier while making you all the more unhappy and insecure about who you are. Who am I?

I am Zhao Mian, I’m not perfect and I can’t do many things. I know I am good at some things though and I know what makes me happy and what makes me not. People can say whatever they want about me, if they happen to be true then let it be; if they happen to be baseless accusations then so let it be. But most importantly… DON’T put up with people who make you feel small – We don’t need them in our lives – we can’t change them and there is little point to change yourself just to be someone better in others’ eyes. Because, even if we have to be alone at least we won’t be unhappy anymore~ People who truly care and matter will be those that might think you’re crazy but still find the heart to understand why you feel or think a certain way.

Summer Sweatfest 2: To Never Give Up On Yourself

 Hey ya'all I'm back to account for my weight loss journey in my sequel to my summer sweatfest! Here's a sneak preview of what I look like now (can you guess what's my weight? Hint: I'm below BMI 23 finally and I even grew taller by 1 cm because of pilates) But read on to find out the truth at the end and share this with friends you feel need motivation too :)

A season had passed by since I last posted about my summer transformation. It had been a painful journey while at the same time life-changing. People who read about my first metamorphosis would probably remember these (112kg --> 85kg):

So many feelings are invoked inside of me whenever I see these photos; I look into a mirror; even as I type this post. Everything feels so different now as compared to my life 5 months ago. People may think I'm being dramatic but that cannot be further away from the truth than how it really is. I am so much more than I was because losing that fat meant more than just seeing the weighing scale go down but rather it was all about the strong desire to want to lead 'a life'.

To those who were never ever fat (and I don't mean those irritating people around me who are already sticks but still say they are fat - I mean those who have unhealthy BMIs like me or are or were obese), you will never be able to understand how being fat destroys one's life. You may be able to imagine how it feels but feeling it first hand just KILLS YOU inside. It wrecks your confidence, it makes you unhealthy and unfit and most importantly it makes you hate yourself and get so envious when all the skinny people around you can just waltz into stylish clothing stores and grab any pieces they wish for... while I was left to be so fearful of clothes shopping because it really hurt me inside when I couldn't find nice clothes that could fit me and I felt so judged and ashamed of my own figure :( I died inside... 

Being fat was like a black hole that just eats you up inside making you feel so empty and disappointed in yourself. More importantly... there will come a time in every fat person's life when they wonder if people could ever find them them attractive and feel so extremely touched (I know I did and still am) that there were friends that were willing to still be friends because they see the beauty beyond the skin... It was really sad but also touching~

For those who are struggling with real weight problems... I just want to assure you that... you are NOT hopeless and the truth of the matter is that you have the potential to regain your life if you so desire. But that being said I will tell my own truth too... and the painful fact is this:

Everybody HAS the potential to lose weight and burn that fat... HOWEVER... not everyone will be able to do it!!!

If there is to be one truth to every weight loss or fat burning or healthy regime... There is no point in losing 10 pounds and celebrating about it when you regain it back a few years down the road... That is REBOUND (a dieters' greatest nightmare)... What about this familiar scenario where you just try so hard to lose weight and has mild success at first but end up meeting the dreaded weight loss plateau and getting defeated by painful reality. Weight loss and fat burning is SERIOUSLY one of the hardest things in life and if you are WEAK!!! Let me tell you... you better GIVE UP now and not even try it. If you want to lose weight and burn that fat you have to WAGE wars and be willing to sacrifice.

SACRIFICE was the word... It was the word that I asked myself 5 months ago when I first firmed up and decided with an iron will that I was going to regain a LIFE... (I really wasn't trying to be vain or anything... my motivation is and always has been to regain the part of life I was too scared to embrace). I asked myself... "what am I willing to sacrifice to regain my life?" This may sound extreme... but guess what... my answer to myself was... "EVERYTHING... Take away 10 years off my life or my health or even my ability to study well... I WILL DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING as long as I am able to BURN THAT FAT... because I WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE WORLD like I've never experienced before". With that the deal was sealed... That was how I was able to survive 7 days without eating a single calorie (just drinking green tea) during my first week and reach my epiphany of what 'TRUE HUNGER" feels like; how I wake up every morning to pull through my pilates even when I have exams at 9am I wake up at 6am to do it; how I run and do cardio every evening even when I only eat once a day until today; how I reject my friend's outings just because I've eaten and I just CANNOT disobey my oath to wage war against fats; how I can join my family for family feasts and not touch a single fries or even a piece of salad... It was all... because... I knew the value of my SACRIFICE

Every now and then... people do tell me that what I'm doing is not sustainable... But I tell them that I intend to make it a lifestyle and have been doing so for the past 5 months near 6. Am I happy? The truth is... it's painful :( But when I look back at my fat photos (which I keep in my wallet and phone) I am reminded of a past when I was even more unhappy. That is why... I chose to be unhappy instead of being unhappier! But I am satisfied with life don't worry... I just mean unhappy because I can't enjoy three meals and pure indulgences like other people around me... But it's a fair trade though... 

It's a fair trade because I get to walk about and even run about without feeling so tired so easily. Clothes fit great and I can finally wear something less drab-like (believe me I used to be a fashion disaster) But MOST importantly... once you reach this stage of losing so much weight the air feels different and everything just looks different. You may not believe me... but your 5 senses will perceive the world so much more differently and suddenly you also realize who are your friends and know more about the true you that was always standing at the back of photos to hide that extra fats coming out...

For people who have been following this 'Summer sweatfest' series... I want to continue today and say that I DID NOT EVER GIVE UP since I last posted and throughout this entire season I've worked ever so hard and stayed motivated from the last transformation and I present you with my results:

My current weight is 72kg (finally my BMI is below 23 and hence I am NOT overweight anymore even by Singapore standards; in america 25 is actually the threshold)... this means that I've lost 13kg since my last summer transformation and this brings my total weight loss since I first started at 40kg. I don't know about you... but I am proud of my accomplishment because it really was a very painful process! and I have never met anyone around me who could lose so much weight within such a short period except on national television or the like. Having lost 40kg is equivalent to losing 35.7% of my body mass. (The thinner you are the harder it is to lose weight because it works by % body mass so don't be surprised if a heavy person loses more weight than you... % body loss is more accurate). To put this in perspective... If I accidentally impregnanted someone in secondary school (assuming I had sex at 15)... and have a daughter today who will be 13 years old (around there) she will be about 40kg! I lost a teenage woman!!! More importantly my A-cup moobs that put certain flat chested women to shame now provided pride back to these women whom I robbed of their women's pride!

I broke down in the cubicle of Uniqlo when I realized that I could fit into their size S shirt and could also wear pants that were a size 31! It was so overwhelming because I never ever NEVER ever once in my life ever thought I could wear an 'S' sized shirt let alone a 31 pants because I was just THAT FAT previously T.T To people out there who are struggling with weight loss REMEMBER the truth that I shared and know that EVERYTHING is possible only AS LONG AS you work for it! For friends who know friends who are struggling then you need to tell them this truth too and assure them that everything is possible but just be READY to face the price of it (whether it is physical pain or mental torture when you have to kick out those unhealthy foods out of your life)

Continuing on from last post... I'll also reveal 3 more weight loss tips that you may use or share with friends who need it. But remember... weight loss is a numbers game... burn more than you ingest and there will be net loss. There is really no mystery to the whole weight loss thing. If you cheated... no one will know... BUT YOU WILL...

#1 Low temperature is your best friend. I recall I last shared about drinking cold water and taking cold showers because they will force your body to expend energy so as to heat your body back to normal body temperature(that's the beauty of homeostasis). But let's be creative for a moment... there are other means to make use of low temperatures. I confess... I sleep nude every night and turn my air con to 16 degrees Celsius. It was HORRIBLE at first... I couldn't sleep initially because of two reasons... one it was freaking cold! and second... I was very conscious of my naked body. But know that by sleeping colder you burn more while you sleep and improve your blood circulation (ice jade bed from legend of condor heroes is not a joke literally). Sleeping naked also makes you more confidence about your own body though it takes a few days of acclimatization. A bonus benefit is how it improves fertility because it gives much needed ventilation to your privates. (true story)

#2 Know the science of losing weight! For example... do you know how we lose weight from our body or even why weight loss is SO INSANELY HARD? Well there is actually an explanation... People tend to think we lose weight when we sweat and when we visit the toilet which is not completely untrue. But the truth is that we humans are made up of organic compounds (i.e. predominantly carbon beings). That being said... we see how carbon enters our body through the food we eat. But how then do we lose it? Undigested carbon leaves our body through our shit. BUT... digested leave our body through our favorite process... RESPIRATION. What is the product of respiration? Carbon dioxide gas, energy and water. This carbon dioxide gas is what causes us to exhale and also how weight is truly lost from the body (meaning is not water and represents PURE and true weight loss) How heavy is a breath? lol How many breaths needed to lose 1 pound? I hope you are getting the idea of why weight loss is so hard.... YOU LOSE IT BREATH BY BREATH and this is also why you are constantly burning as evident by you breathing RIGHT NOW (so DON'T GO TELLING PEOPLE YOU AIN'T BURNING... hold your breath and die first before claiming that statement... YOU JUST AIN'T WORKING ENOUGH GURLLL)

#3 Sitting is a luxury as is your bag pack. If you are intent on losing weight you get creative. I add weights to my bag ALL THE TIME... On school days I will always have my laptop whether I need it or not just to add weight to my bag. In addition you will always find 2 1.5L water bottles in my bag not to quench my thirst but just to add the weight. To work even harder DON'T sit on public transport. I always stand and do calf raises etc with my loaded bag so I BURN all the time. I only take buses if they are more than 5 stops away and I always climb the stairs (even though I live on the 12 th storey) IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PAIN or there AIN'T NO GAIN PEOPLE.

As a final note... I just want to say to all those people who feel hurt and dejected because of the whole weight loss issues or for those people who know people who are trying so hard to regain their lives... Always know that the journey will be a tough one... I ain't going to lie... But know that that at the end of the whole process it will be so worth it... when you finally learn to love yourself better and feel that there are less things weighing you down in life... All you need to do really... is to find that willpower inside of you and NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF T.T (I truly tear when I think of this statement) Because no matter how many people believe in you or love you or whatever... it ain't mean anything at all... if you don't believe yourself or love yourself for that matter... truly... :')

In loving memory of a budgie named budgie

My pet budgie passed away today... It was painful and it was heart wrenching because I knew this day would come sooner or later :( I've had this budgie since I was in Primary 5 and she was my birthday present on my 11th birthday. I still remembered how excited and happy I was to be able to become a budgie owner. All the possibilities of having hand tame her and teach her tricks. It was all the joy for an 11 year old boy to welcome a new feathered friend into the house... A friend who never judged and would always stay by you no matter what.

The years went by and I didn't managed to tame her after all. Somehow I just couldn't do it right and she was always pecking my hand when I tried to get close. I was afraid to let her out of her cage as well. There was this one time when she just hurt herself when I allowed her to fly around the house. It left a deep gash on her forehead because she knocked into one of the metal curtain supporting thingy s. I had 3 budgies then... 1 green (the oldest), 1 blue (her companion) and then her (white). The 3 got along well and like all humans bickered and fought at times... but at the end of the day... those 3 always huddled together to sleep at night on a single perch in their cage.

But like a living things... life fades and disappears... First went the oldest who was green... It was  a painful moment for my family. She passed away one morning when we woke up having lived for 9 years with us. She was the only one that followed us all the way from our old home to the new one. A few years later... the blue one died in his sleep as well. Yet again... there was another scar in our lives. I will not forget the day when the blue one was shivering on the floor in his last moments and the white one was just chirping next to it... as though sad to see her companion and last friend leave. The house became quieter... and after the departure of the green and the blue... the last white one became much quieter. Even till today... she rarely chirped as much as she used to do.

There were times when I wondered if she was lonely... when she chirped occasionally when wild birds flew by. I felt bad keeping a bird that belonged to the sky in a cage; yet... I knew that a domesticated parakeet would not last and survive in the wild. 

Budgie (that was the name I gave her even though she was literally a budgie) had a tenacious life force. There was a period when my dad wanted to put the bird cage outside the house so that she can  enjoy the wind. But to our horror... it only took a few days before misfortune struck and we would find her entire cage wrecked and spilled all over the corridor. We feared the worst... that budgie had been eaten by a cat or tortured by some sadistic person. But no... budgie was a survivor... just as we were about to give up on her... we heard a faint chirp from below the shoe rack and that's when we found budgie all soaked in her own blood and shivering in one corner with broken wings. For days, we kept her in a shoebox with a towel to keep her warm. I honestly thought she would not survive but she proved me wrong as she was able to return to her cage a week later and everything seemed fine again except for the blood stains on her feathers.

She proved to me the tenacity for life. How one does not simply yield to fate and that she trusted her owners to rescue her even when they were despaired...

She continued to live on for many years. Budgie saw me grow up from an 11 year old primary school kid to when I became a teenager to when I shaved my head to become an NS man and then to today when I entered University. She saw me grew up to be the person I am today while I saw her grow old from when I first received her as a budgie that was a few months old. I hated myself for not spending more time with her as I grew up and became stressed with school, relationships and work. I forgot to take some time to look back and notice how old and frail she had become. :(

She saw me grow old as much as I followed her through her golden years. In every memory in my life there was a part she occupied. Every morning I will feed her before going off to school and every night when I will just check on her before going to sleep. She had been with me for so long...

An average budgie of my breed could only live 7-8 years. But my budgie lived to an incredible age of 13 years. Sometimes I wonder if her budgie friends that passed on earlier were watching over her. Even in those times when she was covered in blood and shivering below that shoe rack... how they guided her to chirp so that we could save her life!

I have never had a friend who had been in my life for more than 13 years. Budgie was a bird but she was the longest friend I had ever had...

I laid her to rest below the tree where I buried all her friends... I knew I had not been the best of owners :( But I wish from the bottom of my heart... that she'll be able to find happiness and a better life in the next.

Things will feel lonely for the days ahead when I wake up in the morning and go to sleep. Something will surely be missing.... I don't want to have pets anymore... Not because I don't want them... But because I really really love them :( that is why whenever they leave me... it really hurts so much... just as much as I type all these in tears and memories of budgie overflowing. How the departure of a long time friend will forever be remembered... as fondly as I remembered the joy and excitement when I first received her on my 11th birthday... 5 January 2002~

Like The River Flowing

I keep thinking of what I should be doing now; what I should be doing next; and what I ought to be doing 2-3 years from now. Just today when I was in the midst of my night running I thought about a lot of things... particularly my hopes and dreams of the future: What I wanted to see myself doing in a few years time... but more importantly if I am on track to those end goals I have~

If there is one thing that I hated most about business school is the fact that I have so many group projects happen simultaneously. The effort, relationship management and the commitment you put in is always so stressful as opposed to doing some final exam - when do or die is your own responsibility. Of late, I doubt my worth in project group works - not to say that I do not put in effort. Seriously... when it comes to group projects I am always very committed because the last thing I want to do is cause other people to be unhappy or fail because of me :(

Rather... I doubt my contributions because I feel that my spirit is no longer in tact~

I love to entertain and I especially love to do presentations in fun and interesting ways. In fact... as much as slides designing is extremely stressful (because I need to impress) I always enjoy making vibrant and exciting looking slides.  I feel my contributions are dwindling because the path to my hopes and dreams seem to not include a business degree as a flag point... Sometimes... I feel unworthy and guilty for holding onto the NUS business school's scholarship because they have effectively invested money into a guy who will not graduate to bring the business world to new heights; I also feel doubly bad because my receipt of the scholarship might have robbed someone more deserving~ Either ways... I always did feel bad especially since my grades are not spectacular and I live my life 'happy-go-lucky' style... probably not one will expect of an up and coming businessman no? =X

I want to learn the ways of the culinary... make my own portfolio and become a pastry chef. I had always known I liked cooking when I helped out my mum (as opposed to my sister) in the kitchen since I was in primary school and having learned all my mum's signature Chinese dishes. But I was weak... I admit it... I was WEAK... I tossed my hopes and dreams of becoming a chef because:

1) My dad is a traditional Chinese dad who did not tolerate any forms of feminism in his son;
2) I was doing very well academically and peer pressure dictated the stereotypical: businessman, doctor or lawyer route;
3) It was unconventional 

I regret it now though... so for the first time in my life... I went to buy a whole set of baking equipment and an expensive professional oven without my parent's consent 3 months ago and started embarking on the right path to my hopes and dreams. But why transition to the sweet from the savoury? All because of one movie and one line:

This one line in Mean Girls the movie... which I watched when I was in Secondary School was so hilarious that the cinema erupted in laughter. I laughed as well because it was meant for comedic effect... but at the same time... I wished that I could be like her! I want to be a pastry chef because desserts have this wonderful ability to make people happy... Just looking at a beautiful cake brings smiles... and while the things I bake may not really contain rainbows and unicorns... I hope that by making my own sweet creations with plenty of smiles and colourful feelings that people who taste it can taste the difference so that they too can eat and be happy :)

I don't know what lies ahead anymore... I am working hard and baking new creations at least once a week now and intending to make a portfolio or apprenticeship applications during school vacations. I don't want to fight for internships with the intense biz kids anymore... It ain't easy but more importantly it ain't what I want... My duty to all my groupmates I will always fulfill... always... don't worry yea~

A Summer Sweatfest: Metamorphosis is here

If you followed my last blog post, you'll know how much I've suffered for this entire summer. From eating antacids just to be able to go to sleep on my extreme diet to swimming laps in the pool close to passing out and drowning. Yet, all this physical pain is trivial compared to the emotional trauma that being obese has done to me :( That's right... I would never have wished being fat on any of my enemies because that truly is the worst thing ever. But here's the good news... it DOESN'T HAVE TO STAY THAT WAY! If I can do it so can you!

In this blog post I have done photo recreations of some of the most Fugly photos I have seen myself and did a 'before and after comparison'. If you have seen me around on April 2014 you'll probably see me as the 'before' part. Fugly, awkward, and disgusting... (That's how I feel :() For a long time I have never told anyone my weight because I was embarrassed. But this time I am going to just SPILL... (please brace yourself)

I WAS A FREAKING 112KG IN THE BEFORE PHOTOS!!!! BUT no longer... In just 2.5 months of sweat, blood, tears and pain... today I have lost 28kg! I'm 84kg now... (Still not perfect of course but I am STILL WORKING ON IT)

Goodbye to my A-cup MOOBS (used to be... I felt I put some flat chested women to shame actually then) and my horrible muffin top. And thank GOD I can finally see my chin and my neck! Hallelujah!

I'm still not a six pac kinda guy... But I am still working as hard and with as much FIRE as I have been doing since I first started on this transformation journey. I have even become much stronger, fitter and more flexible... I can finally do my BRIDGE for Pilates!!!

Now I'm not posting all these pictures to gloat about my success or to tell the World that I have an iron determination. What I want people to know is that weight loss is all about having that drive to get what you want! To all my friends who believed in me I hope this post will be my way of expressing to your my huge resolve and my voice. How I've transformed myself from inside to outside; how I've tried and learned to love my body more... Most importantly how touched I am that... even in all those 'before' pictures... that no matter how ugly and fat and obnoxious I looked that I still always had friends who never felt I was ugly or ever felt ashamed just being around me T.T

For a long time... I always felt very bad just to be seen around friends who were so attractive to me... I wallowed in self pity and fell into a deep whole of denial... Denial that fate was meant to be; that I could do nothing to change life only the way I viewed life.

I wanted an average life... just to eat normally like everyone else and to walk on the streets feeling like a normal human being. As much ridiculous as it may seem... Being fat made me feel I was dumb and also that I was not ever as talented as anyone else... not worthy...

I'm still far from being perfect and I am still trying very hard each and every single day to lose all that FAT! To all those who wanna lose weight I offer these 5 IMPORTANT but often overlooked tips:

#1: Do not be over ambitious. Do NOT ever start your workout routine and do crazy things like run 6 km to KILL that fat (as much as that surely will). This is especially true if you have not exercised for a long time. Reason being you'll probably feel immense pain and discomfort after the exercise and the next day and this will give you the PERFECT excuse to say 'I can't take this... I give up!' Trust me... Been there done that!

#2: Memorize calorie charts. Having knowledge of the calorie count of almost everything I ate transformed my mind into a calories calculator. This deters me from eating stuff A LOT! For example... do you know that a cup of milk is already 120 kcal (around there)? Ok that IS SCARY to me...

#3: Always do your workouts at a particular time of the day. For me I always do 1 hour right after I wake up (so if i go to work at 7am i jolly well wake up at 4.30am to do it before going out to work) and 1-2 hours in the evening. Having this designated time... your body and brain will make this a habit and if you fail to do these things during that particular time you are VERY LIKELY to feel guilty or restless and do it even if you dread it. trust me... your body may scream but it will THANK you afterward.

#4: Drink cold water and take even colder bathes. Your body is warm blooded and ingesting cold stuff (especially water) will force your body to burn your brown fat just to heat your body to normal temperature again. Same thing applies for cold showers. P.S. please do not imagine drinking hot water and imagining the hot water melting the fat... that DOES NOT happen.

#5: Download motivating workout songs. That HELPS a lot. I am running on the track and I become a Lion hearing 'Roar' by Katy Parry and JUST when I am about to give up... Britney comes up with 'Work Bitch!' and I am working that track like a crazy bitch! It WORKS!

#6: Look at your fugly photos everyday. It brings me to tears but it also reminds me of the horror of being fat and hence even more fire to burn out those fatty bits!

#7: FOLLOW CASSEY HO for Blogilates (find her on youtube or even google her). SHE IS MY INSPIRATION! Pilates really tones up those saggy muscles of yours and makes you more flexible. At the end of the day you even have a better posture and look more confident!

Just always remember... ALWAYS... There is NO elevator to success... You FREAKIN TAKE the stairs!

The Only Thing We Want To Lose At

I suck at so many things and I lose to others in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a lousy human being. But yet, even as I lose at so many things (I have bad grades, bad fashion, bad hair, bad skin... ...); the one thing that I want to lose more than anything... I end up winning at gaining weight and storing fat :( The all who have never been fat (and I mean really obese), you will never ever understand how much internal pain those who have been obese have ever experienced. It is a world of pain and internal trauma... That's how I feel about it at least, and I want to just spill everything I feel and all the hurt I experience in all my years; how much it has eroded me inside and made hollow my confidence.

Imagine sitting on a typical MRT train seat. Suddenly comes a middle aged couple and the husband asks the wife to sit down on the empty seat beside me. Instead of sitting down, the wife tells the husband: "the guy so big sized later very squeezy. Don't want." It may have been a passing remark from a middle aged woman who did not know better. But to the person innocently sitting at that MRT seat - that is me - I was trying my best to make myself small and to squeeze as much as I could to the corner just so someone else can have a comfortable seat too. I really really wanted to cry so bad at that point in time; how I wish I could just stand up and run away and just let the couple take the paired seats instead. I felt I did no wrong, but yet, I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. Because of my existence; just because I was there and I could not help my own size... that I had to deprive a middle aged woman a chance to give her legs a rest~ 

It rained heavy that day

When it came to sports or games that involved physical strength I always felt so much like a piece of dead weight. In terms of agility I just can't match up to the smaller sized people. Yet sadly... Singaporean guys are all so small in size. S suddenly became the normal size and anything larger just made me feel so ugly. When shopping for clothes... all the fashionable pieces of display were designed for small builds and a lot of shops don't even sell bigger sizes for people with builds like mine. I always dreamed of one day being in those fashionable clothes but I know that given my shoulder width and my thorax diameter that I would never look good in those since the cuttings were never meant for an abnormal build like mine... I could only dream and feel uglier and see my friends wear nice clothes and complement them and feel terrible inside...

I just wanted to be normal

I don't like to brush my teeth or wash my face in front of a mirror. My family have always found me brushing my teeth while sitting in the living room and going back to the washroom just to rinse the foam off... If they knew how I felt when I see myself in the mirror they will then know how much I couldn't stand my own reflection. I hated cameras and almost never ever take selfies because I always felt unworthy to be in them. Unlike the nice photos I see on Facebook and Instagram... I could never never imagine myself looking half as good. I just felt that I would be a laughing stock and be judged. When I take photos with my friends I always like to shy into the background because I felt I never got enough make it to the foreground...

So I had the most awkward camera poses and shy-ed away from all kinds of reflective surfaces

Sometimes people find me anti-social just because I don't go out very often. Especially when it comes to family gatherings or old friend reunions. They fill me with so much pain because sometimes I feel so much fatter and I know these people will notice and judge me. I felt unworthy and so I did not dare to go out so much for these reunions and such. "wow you sure have grown bigger"... to such a question... to what answer should I answer? Because after 20 odd years of this and my own parents' complaints even in the refuge of my own room they made me feel so small even though I was so big...

I felt insignificantly small... Just trudging on each day hoping for a better tomorrow

So I went on extreme diets and ate close to nothing each day. Exercised a few hours a day and even have fainting episodes. But I still refused to give up. I cared no more for my own health because I was willing to reduce my own lifespan just to have the chance to feel normal. I remember a time when I actually looked up and called Mount Elizabeth hospital to check on liposuction rates this summer. I had a good cry after the whole thing because that was just how much I hated myself and how much I yearned to feel normal... After 2 months of such dieting... I now eat either 1 or no meals per day and I make sure to exercise 3 hours a day. I lost 24 kg in 2 months...

But when I look around me and I see myself in the mirror it still felt awful and I still wanted 20kg more off me... People may not admit it... but underweight is the norm in Singapore... being acceptable weight is not...

When I showed my good friends my before and after photos (after the 24kg) they saw a significant difference and I asked them why they did not tell me I looked so disgracefully horrendous 2 months ago even when I asked them... One answer made me cry (but the person probably didn't know):

"No one can feel you're ugly because you appealed to them in a different way; through your unique personality. So no one was lying..."

Still 20kg to go... I want to be underweight more than anything in the world now... The list of painful experiences go so deep and even extend beyond those listed... I honestly have no idea what I will do and have been doing will cause health implications...

But I don't care... I don't mind pain and I don't mind dying... I just want to have a taste of what it is like to not feel and be fugly and also to feel like a normal person who can sit on an mrt train and feel guiltless and no longer a burden T.T

A Tree That Had No Fear

I know of a story of a young and overly-slim tree. Everyday as I walk to the MRT station on my way to school or when I come back from school, I see a young tree. The trunk as thin as a bamboo pole that you and I will use to hang our laundry. I first saw it somewhere in February this year. It caught my attention because it was just weird to see a long bamboo pole-like thingy grow out from an empty grass patch. I figured that one of the seeds from the huge trees in the area probably was the reason for this.

It started from a small seedling with reddish leaves and by mid-February it was just a stick with green leaves. I would always look out for this seedling on my way to school and on my way back from school. In a way, I really liked the color green and also because I had always had an affinity for plants. So no matter how I had 'No time no choice' I would always take a moment to observe her growth and have inspiring thoughts like imagining how such huge and thick trees could come from such tiny miracles. Is it not fascinating that a bamboo pole can grow to be as thick as the tall trees outside our HDBs?

But as we all remember, February was the period when there were heavy rains and strong winds. Somewhere in late February... IT happened. A bad storm had made its way to town the night before. I remembered waking up to white flashes in the middle of the night and hiding under the covers of my blanket for the thunders to pass. On my way to school, I saw that the young tree had been entirely uprooted and was lying horizontally against the grass field. It was heavy on my mind because I was wondering if I should erect the tree again. I figured I might do that on my way back from school instead. But I never did... For days and then weeks... I kept wondering if I should have helped it. But I didn't of course... even until today... the tree remains lying horizontally flat on the ground. But something miraculous happened! Because in March, I realized small sprouts were beginning to grow from the sides of the fallen tree. By today, despite all odds, the fallen trunk has now became... 3 small trees instead.

Why am I telling the story of a tree? A boring old tree, who has no feelings; no brains; and so ordinary. It is because as I was coming back from school today from my last examination for this semester seeing this tree reminded me of what it means to: 'try'.

For the most part, I realize that 'trying your best' is never easy. Not because of the time and commitment that you will require for the task. No doubt that will be an uphill task too. But the hard part that I am talking about is the fear that exists because of trying your best. The key lies in 'best'. Sometimes, when we try our best and yet we still are unable to accomplish our goals and targets we start to think back and wonder: maybe we have not tried our best yet. Perhaps that's true... or perhaps... just perhaps we do not want to feel the hurt (so intense) that our best was never enough and coming up with excuses will help save our own prides that if we 'put in our best we will be able to do anything!'

For days long... and semesters past... I attributed my failures in my first year in NUS to the dramas that unfolded and that was mostly true. Yet there was little excuse that I could bring myself to give when I saw my results in my year 2 semester 1. I told myself that perhaps I had not put in enough effort and that my best had yet to be uncovered and so I trudged on and put in my best for year 2 semester 2 instead: this current semester!
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And now my heart is heavy... So very heavy it is... Even before exams end I was starting to get nightmares and sleepless nights just wondering if my best was not enough. That maybe I needed to see the truth and see my own shortcomings. For right now... I really reflect and I daresay that this semester I had already given it my all and been so hardworking... Alas... is this all be in vain? Is this all that I am capable of? Such ridiculous feats and insignificant improvement?

For truly my self-confidence had eroded so gravely since my coming into university. Though I may not show it and I give the World my brightest smile... I wonder how much longer I can last... Because on 2 June... when I look at the results and see my own reflection... I may just realize... my best is mediocre at best~ I'm not special... Just trying to be but perhaps never will be...

The tree that grew despite the odds had no fear. All it knew was that it did not want to die. Such tenacity that I applauded. The will to live is strong even in one small plant. I figured it had no fear of failure... because in the tree's world there was only succeed and live or fail and wither away... If only I could be that tree... so fearless and calm and so tenacious and admirable... A tower of strength I see on my way to school and back every day