A Post Before Work

I have a lot of things on my mind... Rambling away non-stop. If I tried to listen closely I doubt I could hear them all. It's all a cacophony of people's voices. Some telling me to do things while others reminding me of the pain of scars inflicted. I wish I could lead a life with no burden and also without thinking of all these nuts and bolts that make up life itself.

Perhaps... Staying home was the best remedy. A sanctuary from the chaos that the outside world brings. What will happen today and tomorrow? I'll never know. Whether it'll bring dread or surprises is also a common mystery. I wonder what is it that I wish to accomplish in the remaining two months that I have before I ORD and leave this place.

Is there a knot still present? I suspect there is. Just that nobody seems to want to face it or do something about it. Like a surgical operation in the Emergency Room, there is always a chance for success or failure. To decide whether to take that gamble lies in the hands of the one to test the system. But the true failure/success only comes when we take that final step to face Judgement Day. But do I have the courage to step into that room?

That's the most important question... So I procrastinated~

Can you hear me? Can you hear me? There's this message I want to convey. Just that nobody's there to hear it. Close my eyes... I see people around me...

For that moment I felt like saying nothing but stare...

There comes a time when I just suddenly have so much thoughts in my mind... but I just didn't want to say anything. Wished I could send my feelings to whom it may concern telepathically but it just doesn't work that way. Would someone ever try when the odds are against you? Or simply give up on a camp fire when the firewood charred and burnt to cinders?

Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Can you hear what I want to say and cannot say? When faced with this... I pretended things were all normal when inside I knew full well that there was no 'arc of time' in this world. For that moment I really really felt like saying something. But I chose to be a mute and just stare thinking of what would have happened should I have said something...

At the end of the rainbow

Is there really a right or wrong out there? Like a rainbow... wherever it starts and where it ends... do we really know? Even if we did... does it really matter? Do we have to think so much as to who started things and why things have to end that way when right in front of us is just this beautiful rainbow for us to admire?

I don't understand why is it that whenever I have to make decisions that involve people I have to be so fickle and I can't make up my mind~~~

I wanted a win-win situation so that everybody would be happy~ I didn't mind trying or going the extra mile even if it meant sacrificing my own time and effort. At the end of the day... I rather things were never resolved or concluded. I just wanted a state where everybody was content... Because that way I would be content too... But I think everybody would have realized by now that we all have to make choices. When we weigh them we only see that whatever decision we make we lose part of ourselves for we have to give up an option for ourselves...

Did I do a wrong thing when what I thought I did was not wrong? When things were accomplished in the end. Does the process really matter as long as everyone were happy with it? Would it help if someone had to come in and create misery out of this perfect set-up~~~

I thought the plan had gone well... I didn't think anything much and celebrated the fact that everybody worked together and evaded a disaster. It was only when I finally got back to tower did I receive the phone call that twisted everyone's fate towards the negative end. =/ To the person who had to sell us out... I really tried to be angry with you for the betrayal. But when I put my feet into your shoes I understood how you must have felt so I didn't blame you at all... But I too had gone through the same thing before: So why is it that I still couldn't sell them out? =X I wonder what was in your mind then... though I will never blame you~~

Why do good men have to sacrifice and try to play hero. Say things like they will protect you from harm as much as possible. When sometimes people who are protected like myself would rather say: stop~~~ because it hurts me to see people wanting so hard to protect people but at the expense of their own well-being. Can we all just stop this madness of I die and save the rest? T.T

It makes me really sad just seeing it-- let alone think about it. If one of us has to face the music, I will never allow it such that I am the only one left unscathed. Perhaps people would say that I'm foolish... but should 2 people fall just so I could remain standing... I won't allow that =/ I rather all of us die together because I didn't think any of this was wrong. And if we had to be faulted it would be together.

I made that decision the moment I didn't sell people out... So all I need is that much conviction. I don't want to be so weak anymore. Like water- so accomodating. I want to prove a point and make a stand instead of always just staying silent and taking the blows just so I can keep the peace. I dun care anymore... I just gave up~ I gave up tolerating this chaos...

Too many things have happened that have made me think very deeply about who I am and what I want to do in life... And I believe they all happened for a reason. I dunno what is the greatest takeaway all this will be- how it will change me when I go into the working world and have my own children.

One things for sure... I know full well that I will never stop trying to help as long as I'm able. It is my nature; my habit; it is me...

If I could turn back time... I would still have done everything I've done.

But right now... ... right here... I'm crying... ... T.T Wishing someone would hear. because there was this instance today when I suddenly remembered that dream and wanted to say it. Only to remember I said I would be a mute =X I really wonder... when I can walk out of this rain cloud again... I'm suffering so much internally =(((

The Flow Of Life Itself

I wonder why... I really do... I wonder why is it that nowadays I am so moody everyday. I could find no reason... just a deep feel that someone had died and I'm in mourning... When I wanted to smile; When I wanted to laugh; When I wanted to tell people the things that were bothering me... I just had to suppress myself, just because something inside me told me that I had to be sad~~~

Like water we flow... from place to place... From the the snow capped mountains we melted away... and joined the river that took us down the hillside. We changed shape as we moved to suit the shape of the river basin. Where it dipped we got colder and when things got steep we became wild and fast...

What exactly do I want to do? To suppress my own existence just to torture myself. But to what end I wonder? I had to have good dreams... Good dreams of a fantasy I knew too well-- One which I wished deep down just that having such hopes in reality would only make one all the more gloomy when things dun turn out as you would have hoped...

Sometimes... like water we need to change state. When faced with winter we froze ourselves. To form a protective iced layer at the surface. Beneath the glacier we continue to move... Having bitter winter was no excuse for freezing time completely... For below the merciless ice... warm streams continue to move down the hillside... There is a time... was a time... and will be a time... when we have to be merciless like ice; freeze our hearts just so we would stop hurting ourselves in place for others~~ =/

I should have realized by now how much I took things to heart. I really do find that the things that happened were my fault. If I could do something at the expense of my own well-being I would... Just that... Just that... I can't =/ I am weak and useless... and unable to do the right thing to make things right. I'm a gloomy existence and no one hates the rain.

I've helped countless people; shared my wealth and heart with many; sacrifice much for the sake of the feelings for others... But why aren't I happy? Am I selfish? =X Sometimes... honestly I really do wish someone would help me that much. I have so many grievances so bitter and I feel so sore. I wished to tell someone. But that someone had turned away just as a bird thrown out of the cage. There will be no turning back...

Like water I thought I was way back then. I told myself I would be flexible: To change my shape with the container. I would be fluid enough to squeeze through any crack and penetrate through the hardest of rock. I told myself to freeze up and become merciless when I had to and to vapourize and disappear when I was not needed...

But we never turn out to be what we thought we would be~~~~

I wish... ... that day never happened... that day when the rain started... T.T

Razed and Blunder

What is going on nowadays? I mean really what is going on? I feel just like a robot with no life. Working non-stop and always so stressed even when I get home. When I just want to enjoy a TV show or even play my computer games I only realize I doze off... I'm just so tired of everything... ... The worst thing is when I even dream about work and I wake up to a dull day like I've never slept-- Like I just had a prequel of the day's itinerary...

Is it just me? =X Is it just me... who feel so stressed like there's this pistol just pointing down on my head... Don't the others feel it too? =/// I really just so want to get things done just that I can't force people to work as fast as me because I still want to consider other's feelings too =X

When things were at their busiest I had to have so many things happen at the same time making me so moody I look at myself in the mirror in the toilet today and I saw a dog...

I lost a decent smile since I dunno when... When I wanted solace I found no refuge; just more disquiet~~ It's as if living each and everyday had no meaning... only to serve as a worker bee serving the queen. But I desired more than anything to try again at where it mattered most, but was too cowardly to face it once more =/// It's still raining where I am now... Like this dark cloud just following me all around.

Please dun ask why I look so emo nowadays... =/// Because I just sort of resigned myself to a bitter fate. Accepted that I am cursed and on top of that am still working despite my healing heart. Will time heal everything?

I'm really not ok... ... ... ...

Fragile Beauty Frozen In Time

Do you believe in karma? That if we do things all the right way and never do anything that will stain our conscience and integrity that we will be free from all bad-comings... ... What about someone who really tried very hard to be a good person... even though along the rocky road of life there will bits and pieces when that trying was compromised because of many many things... Would that still be a clean slate?

Does it always pay to be a nice person? Or perhaps in myself trying to think of the 'payment' I'm already having the wrong thinking =/ I can never ever get angry at people no matter how hard I try... At the end of the day I only feel really hurt that certain things have to be done in certain ways and that people had to get hurt in the process =/ Last thing I ever wanted... was... to see people getting into trouble because of me~~~ Days could pass but my guilt would take my sleep ransom and my happiness stolen from me~ I can never do anything bad even if I tried... bad in a sense that I would bring harm to people. That much I'm sure I can't =/

When will I be that lucky to find the four leaf clover in the vast field ahead of me... Fortune usually comes to those that never look too far. But in my relentless search for happiness and friendships... I wonder if I lost myself somewhere. Was this ever the way to start this? =X Or was I misguided from the beginning.... ...

Bad things that happen... how do people manage to keep it all outside when I've already have been attacked left, right, bottom and top down... with so many holes and wounds for things to come in... I wish I could forget all those things... But when I'm all alone on that bus ride home, lying in bed facing the ceiling... those frozen memories in time come to me. And I dun understand why... just that those happy memories bring not joy but more sorrow for a lost happiness frozen only at one time... and only playable for playback in my memories in black and white; never colour~~

Those lost happiness... it really really added so much salt to my wounds. I begged for the day to end just so I could go to sleep and I wouldn't have to think anymore... I still occasionally shed a tear or two throughout the day... ... when I'm all alone and wonder if things would have changed if I had been a much more better person than I am now~~ Am I okay? =S

I dunno... I really really dun... ... but I dun really think so =////

I'm going to disappear this weekend... ...

It's Raining Outside

Are rainy days really that gloomy? Somehow... the whole setting is such that it nurtures thoughts deep inside me. Especially as I am I sitting on a long bus ride and peering out of the car window. Children in their rain coats playing in the rain; Aunties under their colorful umbrellas; the Bangladesh worker running for shelter... I wondered why... as I sat in that bustling bus on my way home... why things would hurt me so bad?

If I were to see things from an outside perspective I would have probably labelled myself a drama king... and yet I had to feel this way: So extreme and self-inflicting =/ I am a man of pride and I feel utterly useless when faced with my own evidences of shame. I just couldn't tell people the truth- the truth that I had an epic fail. And time and again... I have learnt by now that lying is only the postponing of the inevitable.

I thought I did well today... Though I'm pretty sure when I go back to my Squadron tomorrow they're going to make me feel like I've never tried =X I can't... rather I couldn't blame them for being appalled... =/// For so long I really wanted so badly to tell someone about this traumatizing phase... but yesterday when I was about to tell that someone... something hurtful happened T.T So in the end... ... In the end I guess I am still alone in this war against the world.

I woke up from yesterday with eyes so dry... It had been an awful night and I felt I hardly slept a wink. Even though I told myself that it wasn't fully my fault that things happened. I just couldn't help it but conclude that I'm just a jinx to people's lives~~~ So I made a new promise to myself: To become a mute at least for a time... ...

It's raining outside... but I'm well protected under this shelter I call home... But inside my heart I still am weeping bitter tears... and yet I still couldn't tell why it had to rain =/ Why in the midst of the crowd when the rain was pouring... if any kind soul would offer me a hand or shade... Because I fell like a klutz... drenched and cold~~

Like An Open Book

Why am I so stupid to have thought for sure that things will happen as I thought they would? Having had such a horrible time at work now... I live in agony knowing how horried my reputation is now =/ People are right when they say that... to pick the people that you should confide in well...

And I tried to put my feet into the shoes of these people trying to figure out why the hell they wanna stir so much trouble up =/ and even though I'm so hurt and upset... I just can't find any bit of anger in me to be angry at any of them. I only feel so dumb and foolish to have been too naive and believing~~~

And I cried... and someone told me it was useless... but even so... I couldn't control myself but type and tear and type and tear and hating myself in the process... I really so hate getting other people into trouble. I would rather everything just come to me and period.

Why am I so useless and weak? When people scold me vulgarities and such... I said sorry... Even though it wasn't my fault at all~~ When people asked me why I said things... I felt so horrible and couldn't even do anything useful except to say a 'sorry' hoping deep inside that it will solve everything-- but it can't and didn't...

To Zhao Mian... You're a pest and u hell should have known the meaning of pester by now. Stop moping around showing the world how unhappy u are =/ Dun take getting hurt as an excuse for everything...

I wanna stop those tears... cos I know someone who hated them. But I can't~~ And I have to hide... and pretend I'm asleep when my parents come by or I'll start another hoo haa... If I could re-visit a past... I wish I had more courage than a wimp I am now. That if I said I wanted to die... I wouldn't just whine but take that plunge out of the window just like that... PLEASE... make the pain stop T.T

Incomplete

Ever had a feeling that you aren't making the cut because you're just not that good? That's how I'm feeling now... =/ I feel so incomplete because I can't do it~~ And no matter how hard I try I can't and I'm really ashamed of myself for letting myself go. What happened to the promise I made to myself just the day before? I asked myself everyday...

The truth is I feel really inferior staying around you guys =/ Don't always think when I smile and laugh it off as if it were a joke I really was so carefree... It stung every time~ And when nobody is talking about it I think about my own plight and I feel really disheartened...

On another issue... I just can't stop... can't stop... ... Am I pretending that it is fine too hard? So much so that it will hurt me in the process... knowing that things that can only be accomplished in months cannot be hastened to a few days~ Even so... when I talk to people and people offer me advice... Am I still so stubborn that I can't even heed them? Once again... I reached this crossroad... where I discover that there are just so many so many so many things... I wanted to say and tell... just that... ... I can't seem to find someone I could say them out to T.T

Am I lonely? A question that ebbs through my mind each night before I go to sleep~~

Picture Perfect

Life is like a train that will not stop... Like a train we board in a foreign country... Where the next stop will be we'll never know~ Will we see familiar faces at different train stations? Or maybe different people will board the train and sit next to us. The people we meet... Say Hi to and then goodbye... they change. Some give their seats up for others... While others just left without a word.

*****************************************************************************

What we see... do we believe? How we portray ourselves and tell people things... Are they really what we really feel? And when we play this game of charades... doing so many things and not saying so many words like a game of Taboo.. Will the other people at the receiving end notice? Will it be too subtle... Or will people take it as picture perfect?

I can't force things to happen... When we force things... Things just don't turn out the way we would have thought it would turn out in the end. So then how should I go about things then... ? I wish I knew... ... A friend once said this: We never turn out to be what we thought we would be... ... Starting to see how that fits into the picture. Be it for the better or for worst. I really can't tell from where I'm standing right now!

Why is it... with so many many thoughts and feelings welling inside me like a lava plume expending upwards into a violent eruption... I just feel so afraid to share things with people. Not that I don't want to... Just that I'm really really afraid =X So I suffered in silence...

An Empty Post

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes... a sigh is worth more than the longest post I will ever write. So many feelings and thoughts... Just not enough ink to pen them down...

Raison d'etre

Have we ever wondered why we want to continue to live when life itself is hardship. Sure we have happy moments and glorious moments. But at the end of the day... was life ever fair to us? Put in hard work and are people bound to achieve their goals one day? =X Life never ever was a bed of roses... The thorns constantly jabbing us along the way since we were babies... Whatever we ever do and ever will do... Does it really really make a difference? Ask ourselves deep inside whether we are all indeed that important that the earth will stop functioning just because we were gone~~ The truth will forever be that no one will really care... For all we know... Humans are aplenty. If we give no pity for ants when we crush them... What makes us different from them?

I'm so sick and tired of disappointing people time and again... It doesn't really matter if I tried my best and it absolutely doesn't matter if people tell me that if I tried my best that will be enough. It will never be enough... =/ I NEVER wanted to make myself a letdown... when people put their hopes into me and invest their time and effort to watch a flower bloom in the middle of a dreaded cold winter. When they told me tomorrow I could do it... I said I will give it my best and I hope I will... But deep down inside... I knew I couldn't. But when I see their faces... How could I tell them the truth? =/ That I was going there to fail and be yet again a disappointment. I feel horrible... But I also can't tell anyone that. And even if it were to be a plan to fail, I have to try my best just so I wouldn't have wasted just that last bit of hope and expectation people have for me... ... why... ... ? =////

I've lost important things time and again... If I ever had a good relation with my parents I really want to tell them this:

I know once in awhile you both will have noticed I'm really upset... But the fact as it is is that you never ever established a comfortable relationship for me to share anything in my personal life =/ I wish I could cry to you and tell you all the bad things I've been hiding so hard all the time. When at home... I have to pretend that nothing is wrong when you ask... But the truth is there were so many things going on, but I chose to lie~~~ I chose to lie just so you wouldn't nag; just so you wouldn't worry; and most importantly just so you won't be disappointed to have a son like me- when I always see you enjoy bragging about me to all the relatives that I top my class and school and stuff... It's better you all don't know... about my darker stories... ... T.T

If I could go back in time... to that moment when I first stepped foot in there... and I changed that decision I made would things have turned out differently now? I'm trapped in a cage... on a leash like a dog. I promised to be obedient this time... but at the expense of what? For I feel... if i started off as a dog all this would never have happened...

And I finally understood why all those things happened that occurred before this... I weep silent, bitter tears for my own foolishness and nonsense... I hated myself for being myself... I'm so tired of living... because when I try... I fail; Because when I help... the next thing you know is you get blamed for things; Because when I played the nice guy... I got stabbed in the back; Because when I opened my heart... people left; And most importantly... ... MOST importantly...

Because... when I needed some shoulder to lean on... I realize I couldn't find one... Am I lonely? What exactly does that mean... ... ... I don't know... anymore... =X

Return Of The Attacks From The Past

I don't understand anymore... Maybe I never did... Or never will... I can never understand why after so many chances to redeem my cursed fate, time again I have allowed the past to catch up to me and attack me where it hurts the most =/ Even though every single time I would always have started out optimistic and extremely intent on never letting history repeat itself... That's what everybody does... They try and try again... Because people always say you only truely fail when you stop trying... But right here right now... where I am, what I am today and who I am today... I'm tired... So very tired and trudging ahead like a hurt kitten. Who in this world isn't? ~~~~

Do something stupid and you can blame yourself your entire life for what could have been. Always was easier telling people to cheer up; but where it hurts the most... You can never muster a smile... Even if you did it would be with teary eyes =X My eyes are blurry from all the attacks from the past... coming back to haunt me like a ghost... I wander aimlessly... Wailing silent cries for help... hoping people will hear. In a big busy city... where everybody is always moving... is there anyone there to come tell me that things will be alright? haha... I'm weak... Because where I fall I refuse to stand up... at least for a time...

Cracks in glass... an irreversible fault. Only solution would be to replace it with something new... Who would care one bit for something broken... When there is something new and perfect out there... And who cared for that broken piece that stood there for you when it was truely beautiful at one time... It was at one time... ... When promises and words were said... Words that gave light in the darkness of the void; Words of hope for an alternate future... But in the long run... When things had to come to end... There seem to be no point to raise the past to say that these words were once said...

People change... And it is never anybody's fault... No one could have foreseen what would have happened next. Casualties were abound... Much like myself waddling in a pool of my own blood and tears... ... Least I could do is to fade away like a distant star... ... instead of people avoiding me... I'll save them that much the trouble... ... T.T

The saddest moment in time... for 2012. So far... was today... ... =//////////

Silent Night Thoughts Under The Stars

Night times... quiet nights always seem to be the best incubator for emo-ish feelings and thoughts. Especially when I feel lonely and have so much free time to spare. A questions floats around in my head... much like the moon gravitating around the planet earth. And I asked myself... if I should pop that question when time and again history has revealed to me that it leads to painful consequences... one which I have grown by now to be familiar~ =///

If only wishes could be granted by the stars in the night sky. Some people say when people die, their spirits rise into the sky and become the beautiful stars that we see. Such romantic ideas for masses of hydrogen gas igniting in the blackness of cold dark space~~~ Yet naively I wonder and hoped that these twinkling sparkles will rain blessings on me and make my wishes come true... foolish~~~

As foolish am I to believe so many things I see but do not feel. Big risks; Big rewards... am I too timid to make that first step. My fear of failure and being hurt. =X

Oh please... anyone out there... because I've been wandering aimlessly and looking for the right person to speak to... but have yet to find someone suitable. Will you be able to tolerate this madness and my insanity? It's too much to ask of anyone... ... when not everything in this world is about myself... I am just an insignificant being... I really am... ... so huge but so small at the same time... Like the giant suns in the solar system being tiny twinkling lights when we see them on earth... Should I really believe what I see... T.T

The Moon That Never Catches Up With The Sun

I wonder where that willpower has gone to. I think it is indeed true that being in NS for too long and you lose some of yourself. Won't really say it is all that bad. For after all, life is fair, and when I lose some, I gain something in return.

Certain things happen in life and I really wonder if they are more of fate or chance... I can never decide~ Do I really deserve to be where I am now? Because sometimes I really do feel out of place like I belong somewhere else. And other times I just feel like digging a hole and hiding from the people around me. I wonder why's that... ... =X

Who/What is the Sun that lends me the light to shine so brightly in the darkness of the night sky. Without my sun, I'll just be a floating piece of rock. But like the cosmos... It shall always be that the moon will never ever meet it's Sun, for when one rises, the other falls. Dawn gives way to a beautiful morning but a goodbye to a romantic night sky.

Am I feeling out of place right now? With no one to really look for when I feel lost. It would have been easier in those good old days in school when friends were always there for you. But as I grew up... I've seen the adult world with my own eyes and because of that I've been forced to grow up as well.

P.S. I'm really sorry that sometimes I do feel that I'm a pain. Even though everybody seems not to mind, I mind... ... But the words that were to be an apology could never come out of my mouth~~ Seeing that it will always make things worst to know I'm an emo kid... =//

Crown For Your Prince?

I feel really sad and hurt... =/// Because of so many small things coming together and happening that is making me realize a lot of things... I hate my own title... Because it is making me lose so much... Like grapes on a tall vine that I can never reach~~~ But I also wonder if I hadn't been given the title if I could still have such good memories and met such people...

K said it was all so weird like why I would want to be this way. Why is it that every time I would die die want to go down? What's the purpose of it all? K couldn't understand why I had to be this way. Why can't I just fulfill my own duties and stay in my own tower. Truth was when I tried to explain why I realize there is indeed a mystery to it all... I could find no explanation to all his questions and they scorched my mind with burning questions about myself~~

One time there was an L, that told me about people knowing each other for short moments within hours yet I expected so much... That was a painful jab then... I wanted to hasten a process that took years into days. It was impossible when I looked at it now... It would be nice to said I had tried... But it was never something I should have tried to begin with when there were so many gaps and walls...

Z revealed a truth I never would have expected of all people... =/ It's really kind of funny though... That because of the title I can never have what I wanted... But at the same time I would never have had met these people...

I tried... I tried... Really hard from day one to be a good friend to everyone, hoping people would do the same~ All the things I did, I did for the sake of because everybody were good friends to me and I wanted what was best for all... It was not that I wanted to serve my duty well but more than that the burning passion and diligence I put in was because I treasured the people~ But in the long run... Nobody realized this... ... ... ... T.T

Can I give up the crown and start all over? Will things still be the same?

I'm really really very broken... =/

Emo~~~

An emo post because I'm thinking about something emo~~~ I wonder when this episode will final be over. After all the falls, people would have thought I will learn. Despite being so old already, I have yet to seen the light.

I wish it will all just stop. All the things going on in my head... ... STOP!!!!!!!!!

The Joining String

Wherever we go and whoever we meet we forge friendships and establish relations with everyone and everything around us. And at that particular point in time we can be the best of friends or the most efficient colleague/ working partners. But like a seasonal flux, all that can be gone just like that- A lush green tree losing all its leaves in a passing autumn season~~

There's this invisible string that holds us all together. What makes for a long lasting impression? A bond so strong that can withstand the corrosion of time and space. Why is it that when a beautiful string of beads lose their joining connections they scatter all over the place...

I really wonder if... this string that joins me to people and how it joins people to me is transitory throughout my life... Is it really so hard to maintain the string that joins us all together... For to accept the cold reality that we only form these bonds because they were out of practicality and our individual needs at that moment in our lives... I find it depressing... =X

When I leave; when you leave... Will will still greet each other when we see each other on the road? Is what I'm doing weird... I actually agreed but couldn't help it. But the one thing I couldn't say was... I knew it wasn't normal just that I could find no words to explain and that is just the transparent truth...