Been on a hiatus for quite some time because I suddenly felt that going public is not always a good idea. Sometimes I wonder why people want to blog about stuff. I asked myself why is it that I want to blog about stuff? I suppose if it was something to do with venting then I might as well get a personal diary instead of sharing it openly. So I guess the real reason why I blog is because I feel very strongly about something and wish that someone else reading this somewhere sometime upon reading this can empathize and feel the way that I do too... Nothing complex really~
So many things had happened since I last penned down my thoughts here. It feels as though I can write volumes but I shall resist that and instead talk more about what is happening now. I think many a times, we face challenges in life. I don't know whether it is emotional, financial, relationship or anything else for that matter. But point is... they hurt. I dare not ever claim that I feel a lot of pain when somewhere out there right now is probably feeling some different kind of pain and mine probably pales in comparison.
So I had my moments. I cried a good hour or so when I was evicted and told to pack my bags and be imposed a 'restraining' order. Initially I was so angry at the ridiculous rules that I were given. But then I suppose... I couldn't do anything about it. Bad things happen due to our own folly sometimes and I have to take up the consequences since I was ready to commit the folly to begin with. Life will be different from now on. But then no one ever said different is always bad. No one also ever said that life would be easy.
But what can I do except to continue to live this life. Trying to find some purpose. I felt that I destroyed my own life just like a piece of glass thrown on the floor and broken into pieces. Right now... all I want to do is try to glue those pieces back together. Is the desire to restore what once was really so much to laugh? But of course... I know full well that even after I had finished piecing all these shards together the lines an cracks will forever follow me and be embedded in the minds and hearts of those around me.
I feel broken and I feel imperfect. But I suppose I shouldn't be afraid to say this out loud because I suppose everyone around me feels that way too. Just because people appear happy doesn't mean that their lives are any better just that they choose to be happy even when they are sad. I wonder if I am speaking sense right now. But I remember an angry friend who told me before that people can be sad and happy at the same time.
Even if life throws me the worst things and imposes on me the worst rules; Even if my paranoia is true and everyone around me actually secretly is irritated and annoyed at me... There is and never will be anything I can do except to use my own healthy pair of hands and legs and crawl up. Limp if I have to or worm on the floor if my legs hurt so badly... But continue to move forward hoping that I will find people who will accept me even as I am trying to accept myself...
And there is one more hurt left that still pains me... But I could do nothing about it but feel it. But then even though it hurts enough to make me want to cry. I will not... Because... I know that being hurt doesn't deprive me the right to smile. Because even the gloomiest person deserves a taste of rainbow.
Will my 'undying love' - a blessing and a curse... really be but a distant dream... With time... and the magic of healing... will you hence go away? Because you are my motivation for so many things I suddenly realize how foolish I was in the past to not realize earlier... so that at least today we could still be...
