A Promise To Remember

Work life so far had been quite enjoyable, and I really enjoy every bit of it, minus all the sleepy and mundane parts of course. But of course, all these wouldn't have been possible without a group of friends that make every single day so colourful and also so worthy to look forward to =) A friend did told me just a few days ago that certain things need not require that much thinking.

It will always be good to delve deeper and reflect upon yourself, but ultimately, I guess... If going deeper is going to make you sink further into a path of no return, then what use is there to do so then? Distracting myself daily with the funny and pleasant things around me. There are so many times when I feel like saying something, but hold it back because I suddenly feel like certain things; certain stories are just not meant to be said...

Alas... At the end of each day when I listen to my mp3 on the long trip home pass the quiet cemetery and through the bustling shopping malls; when I switch on my X-mini and go to sleep; when I wake up in the morning and drag myself to work... I always remember something... And I close my eyes and try to make out an image that I fear will blur in days to come...

It'll forever be a distant memory that I will not forget... But all the feelings that I have today... all those feelings I had yesterday... I wonder if they would also be translated to tomorrow? =/ Will it be that sad that things you really wish to remember at that frozen point in time fade as new memories come in... Because I really dun ever for a second want that to happen... But I'm human =X Just a HUMAN... I can only remember this many things... So I look down into the bottom of my heart and remember a promise I made...

Have you made a promise- ask yourself honestly-to yourself... ... At that point in time when you were so helpless and so hopeful at the same time yesterday?

What I've Been Feeling Since That Day

I have to be perfectly honest that I feel inferior, because everyone around me seems to be perfect looking on the outside. They have good figures and the confidence that I am sure will bring them to excel. I can always hide behind masks and protect myself. Put on a facade that people may think I am so thick skinned. But the truth of it all is I feel fugly =/

I always have this feeling that if I looked better I could do all these things. What am I to say... when it is pretty obvious how this society works: Looks appeal to the eyes of the beholder. Fact: I hate being fat... I absolutely hate being so big-sized. Because when I see my other friends, my buddy wear such nice clothes. It is as if the clothe were made for them to wear and never for someone like me =X

That is why I crave so much to change myself. I want to be confident again. Confident of my looks, my personality. It may seem dumb and foolish but also because in doing so I wish my friends might just treasure me more. I don't really care what other people is going to say anymore about what I am about to do. I only know... I only know... There is not a single person who would truely have understood how I have felt all these years... =/ Everybody has a sad story and this would probably be mine... A tale of how someone struggled with himself because he himself hates to himself...

This is going to be the greatest change in my life... and I think no matter how much it costs it will be worth it... I don't want to be fugly =////

Ice Make Rose Garden

People often don't realize it until the end of time is eminent. We walk into other peoples' lives and other people enter our own. Life is like a bus ride... We boarded our own buses when we were born. Along the way at the different junctures in our lives people board the bus. Some choose to sit faraway from your seat, while others sat near. Our mother was probably the one that sat beside us when we were young and as we grow older and go to school that became our best friends. In the future... Will our best friends still be beside us?

Maybe some of them would have changed their seats to sit with another; While some may even alight and change their bus to reach some other destination different from yours. Only god knows where this bus will take us... But I believe... When we do reach that stop where we were meant to alight we would know it instinctively...

Who are those who would ride with us till the bus reaches its terminal-I would never know... Sometimes along the way... Someone interesting enters our lives... And with the most genuine and purest of hearts we wished we could take the courage to stand up and sit with them... What if a friend told you he would be alighting 2 more stops from now? =X Would I then dare stand up and take the sit beside? There are so many things I want to say... So many things I want to do... But people all have their own destinies...

Maybe in some other juncture in life we would meet again? =/ Because from the very very beginning... I only saw a huge ice berg and I didn't cared so much as I did before... I held on to the tip with the warmest of hands and then time just scudded by... I never took an hour; a minute; a second; a moment to notice the water trickling down... Until now... When I hold on to the remnants of a huge glacial... In my hands is nothing left but a piece of ice...

I don't want to let go... But everyone knows... and I know... Very very soon this last piece of ice would have melted away in my own hands and the water seep through the grooves and gaps of my fingers. I don't... I DON'T want to see with my very own eyes... Feel with my very own hands and experience with my very own heart that which I value disappear into thin air like magic... and I DON'T ever want to forget that feeling... Even after time passes by and I grow old... ...

Alas... I look down at my hands and the remaining shard of ice berg(Once was). In the days to come when all the last remainders had melted away as will my heart and I look down on a wet pair of hands with a wet pair of eyes... I wonder if the dampness of my own two hands would have been the ice or rather a mixture of moisture contributed from a heart weeping bitter tears for a friend he could not keep... ... =/

Magnified

I was thinking to myself the other day... That perhaps things had never changed as I thought they had; What changed was my focus. A shiny precious gem is beautiful, yet, when we place a magnifying glass and start searching around for flaws we are almost bound to see the cracks and the scratches. I do wonder in knowing this what my next course of action shall be.

I only know for now... I strive to search for balance between the two extremes. I am terribly confused and lost =/ But I don't really dare to talk to people about it. Everybody has their own problems and nobody shows them. I admire people who can still put on such a strong and happy face when deep inside they're dying. I can't... =X

I'm terribly self-conscious and I yearn for a chance to change myself 360degrees starting from the outside.

It's not that I don't care... It is because I care but also know my caring will only cause more trouble, and the last thing I ever want is to lose a friend I consider dear... Someone asked me one night when I was walking up the staircase of Alpha wing: Are you sad that... ...? But I told him: A bit la... It has always been like that... When deep down I wished; and perhaps that is my own fault because I had hope to begin with. Time to do some sense making, internalizing and contexualizing of some of my buddy's wise words...

As the exclamation was followed by a thud (I remember distinctly). And then the car scudded past just like that... My heart shriveled.