A Last Post Before 2010

Today ain't exactly 31st December, the last day of 2009... But I am writing this post now or I won't have another chance to do so tmr since I going countdown ^^V. Life in 2009 has been really messy... A year of tragedies, tears and broken hearts like no other =.= SERIOUSLY... Well but taking things with a pinch of salt bah. I mean through adversity I learnt so much about the way of life and how to handle things.

Every LAST day of the year I would perform the same ritual. Wirte all the bad things of the year and burn them away at my balcony, so that it would go with the wind. Then it's time for new year resolution time =) One thing to note though... would be that I think my life is blessed with great ppl. So I made up this golden fren thingy to make sure these frens shall stay with me for my life =) k la sound a bit like I am trying to drag them all in and tie them on chains XD But I dun care haha...

To the sentimental pisces who aims to be a teacher, Radhiah; To the fun-loving and soon to go NS Cancer, Bao Long; To the Aquarius with the accent and charm, Anna; To the Hot, SEXY Divaish-ish-ish-ish =P Capricorn, Khairiyah; To the leo whose words make me pissed sometimes =.= yet is trustworthy, Toh Liling; To the pisces who has been my great fren throughout my whole JC life, Yuting; And to the Aries who always likes to 'hahaha' and invented HHX, Shun Jie. You guys are my golden friends. =D I love u guys forever (though it sounds gross) Hope we can be frens for the rest of our lives... Best friends forever always.

A Fresh Day

Ever since I went pooling that day, I find myself addicted to the game. Can't wait to go for pool tomorrow again. Though I'm no expert at the game but just enjoy the whole process. And I know that probably all the people there are like laughing at my noob skills. But I'm sure one day I would be a great player too and I won't laugh at any noob players =)

Yesterday's bad vibes were all washed off clean when I woke up this morning. Along with all the tears last night =.= But alright I feel all the more stronger now and all the more capable of handling things. Probably came to terms with the small quest for the BIG why. since I found the answer, I decided to just move on with it. I have hope that someday I will find the one who will accept me for who I am anyways. For now I shall just work hard to improve myself and look out for that someone.

Today I went cycling with bl for like 2 hours and I almost died. K lah i was weak =.= But I guess this just means I'm not that physically fit and probably I need to do something about it. Legs feel like rocks now. So hard and heavy zzzzzz Hope i dun cramp in the morning, cuz I going to pool and buffet tmr ^^V. Sort of thought today if i shld plan a meet up with some of my frens I seem to be ignoring. I guess I'll think of something for the following days.

Well... Today I think I finally got over one thing and cleared a big dilemma for a long time. said the two magic words to someone else for the first time and this time it felt right seriously. So i guess mystery solved. and I'm quite happy about it. I guess in this world we shld put large our views. I won't say everybody is ur best fren. But then one person can definitely have more than one best fren. As long as a fren is able to withstand time and distance and still make u feel that good fren feeling I guess they shall be my best frens. k that's all for today. Feel the light of the world already. Though there is one person i start hating recently...

A Walk In The Moonlight To Remember

I left home tonight becuz I just couldn't take a freakin more second in this madhouse. I really hate my family. I'm serious. And it's not just one day I come walking and say I hate them. To me that's just angry at the moment. But this has lasted awhile since all the troubles begun. It has reached such an extent that I no longer wish to speak to them at all. I spend my days speaking less than 10 sentences a day to all of them... At home I just wanna be alone. I won't go into their space. So I hope they dun come into my space at all... =/

I just realised walking alone at night on the lonely road is so relaxing and calming. Really enjoyed the cool night air and silent road. Initially wanted to go for an ice cream at MacDonalds but I was so unlucky that today it had to be closed early for the monthly sterilisation. So i grabbed an apple cider at 7-eleven instead... I must have walked all the way to my old home. And I was so shocked that it changed so much. It was already so different from afar. And when i wanted to go up the block to see my old unit again I was surprised that the lift was now so high-tech.

In the past my lift only had three buttons. Now it could go to all floors. Stepped out of the lift and was rather afraid that ppl might think I'm some theif lurking outside their homes since it was past midnight le. The ppl in our unit apparently were still not asleep =.= I could hear them talking and they even left the door open. But I dared not take a peek at my old home cuz later they see me will seriously think I'm some stalker or something...

Toured around my neighbourhood... And I always watched those drama shows when u will see visions of ur past self going through those places. And seriously I did. Even took a turn to visit my primary school... The playground I used to go to. and the park I used to hang out everyday on my bicycle when I was young. I wanted to say that everything changed but me... But I just thought as I was walking that if everyone said that then nobody will have changed =.= So seriously I changed so much... I used to love my family. I used to go out on family outings with them and be all nice and all... But now I look at my grown up self... I guess this all just means... This is the adult me. One who is a loner and quiet and just not close to the family...

I look forward to NS so much... everyday I pray that the day will come soon... I wish to take a vacation from my family =/ I wanna go faraway and nvr come back for awhile until all that hatred is gone. =X And through NS if only I can meet someone and like ppl say the best of buddies to make me forget all the misery that's been going on so far...

I slapped myself a couple of times on my way back... thinking of the small quest for the BIG why... See ppl at night walking tgt as couples. And to note is that most ppl who hang out at night so late are the malays and the malay guys to be specific. Not being racist but that's really what I saw. And also at midnight the cleaning crew actually comes to sterilise our busstops everyday. seriously... they come in a van that has the anti-germ spray and all. I guess I would nvr have known if I nvr went walking today...

Feel kinda sad though... depressed... and lost for words to talk. Just wanna be quiet and enjoy the sound of the crickets and the fan blowing at me now. I was just laying down on a bench downstairs just now after the whole journey thinking about how sad the answer to the BIG why was... =/// when my dad appeared and told me go back cuz I left the house without a word for a few hours... So here I am typing right now... If only... if only... I had a buddy i suddenly realise who would go on a night adventure like this with me too one day...

And another matter on my mind... still confused and reluctant... feel sad... but i really wonder whether I'm sad of the former or latter or something else entirely... I just know... I wanna sleep now... I feel really emo... so i hope i wake up to a new mood =/

A Choice Between The Pregnant Lady and The Child

Bl's going to NS pretty soon. It will be in exactly 7 days... And nowadays I go out with him everyday. I guess it has been a long time since I went on outings like these with bl. Last time was probably in our sec school days when we do that every week. I guess ppl are driven by circumstance, but no matter the time and distance I guess two ppl can still be great frens.

Went pooling for the first time in my life today. Gotta say it was really fun and addictive. The satisfaction that u get from hearing the ball go into the pocket and the piak sound of colliding billiard balls seriously sounds splendid. Can't wait to go pool again to hone my skills. In any case always on TV, guys who play pool and are good at it are very cool lol.

Well today when going back home, I took my usual 243 bus. But this time I met with a really difficult situation. The bus during evening was pretty crowded so it was like many ppl were standing. But I got up early so I managed to get a seat. But then hmmm... saw this very young boy with his mother just standing in front of me. So I decided to give my seat up to the boy la. But when I stood up I realised to my greatest shock that the person standing beside my seat was a pregnant lady o.O. And I SERIOUSLY didn't know. Felt incredibly guilty and I asked myself... I mean if I had the choice to choose again... Between a pregnant lady and a small boy who would I choose. =S At the end of the day I thought I would have gave that seat to the pregnant lady u know... hai... I feel she deserves it even more =/ I know how hard it is to carry a tiny human in ur belly =X

hai... Well got home and started thinking more and more about the small quest for the BIG why. And hai... From things i hearing from ppl... frankly I feel super depressed and sad. But I guess they were just being frank so I dun blame them. I shld have known anyways =/

On a totally different matter, I think I shld just surrender u know. Wash my hands off everything. Becuz somehow I dun think I am deemed as trustworthy by that person anyways. More like maybe I'm expecting too much again? or probably thinking too much like I always do? In any case I feel my genesis in this whole episode is probably self-made bah... probably just me seeing it as good when it is in fact nothing. Simple joys over nothing... dratz but I guess it's a hint to wash myself clean =///

The Quest For The BIG why?

I'm on a quest to find out the BIG reason why I am not ****. Becuz as I see ppl in my social circle, and outside the social circle get in pairs. I start to think my life's quite sad.... =/ I mean why is it that in 18 yrs of my life I have failed to **** anyone at all... 18 yrs u know... Probably is something I lack that just keeps them from coming.

But hai... Too embarassing to ask anyone. actually wanted to ask ppl today but got too embarassed =X Oh well... Since I'm using '****' hard for me to blog also. So I shall end le... But with lots of **** in mind. This really is the BIG quest for the BIG why.... =////// How on earth can I make myself ****... =/

Happy Holidays

Today is one of the important holidays which we really get into the festive mood. For some... this year seems rather dead. While for others it is as awesome as ever. And as for me... I am disappointed that there is no 'Christmas Carol' shown on TV this year. It has been a show that I have been watching every christmas since I was in primary school... hai sadded...

Well nothing much to say about today but just that I start to feel even more inferior at my family outing. Shall not say what was that about... But really hope I can rise too and become more superior... It can be done... But then I have to overcome my own mental barrier =/// Once that's settled it would all work out... Hai such a tall mental barrier that is =////

Recently got a bit upset over something i deem trivial... yet I always feel really bu shuang afterwards but I dun say it out. That's why I've decided to blog it out now in my new blogotherapy hoping that it would all be better afterward =X. As I told someone I shall control myself and prevent myself from going haywire anymore. No more repeat of the past. From now on it shall be me and mr cautious and mrs careful... I shall tread like I'm on thin ice and think before I act.

Now is probably a mindset that is crossing the line =.= So I must curb it. Frankly I also dunno why I always have this freakin problem when dealing with this person. What exactly do i want? becuz i see the past happening in my mind and I'm so afraid yet I can't help fitting it into the present now. One story many endings... Wonder whether it is truely with us that the choices lie or is every choice we make the will of fate itself...

I feel bu shuang in my heart. But i know this is haywired thinking... Hope it passes soon... probably after a good night's sleep. Becuz I really wanna be a good fren and someone in control of myself above any other things... I pray with fingers crossed that I've truely changed...

The Rise After The Fall

Yesterday was a rough night. But I realise actually blogging it out makes u feel better afterward. Actually made it a whole lot better after venting it all out. There seriously shld be a therapy called blogotherapy. But hmmm quite proud that I handled everything myself. Well that's been something I decided on quite a few months ago: That is to not find ppl for help on emotional problems unless it really gets out of hand.

In any case, I guess one will eventually reach rock btm, and they will have no where else to go but up. Feeling especially fresh today with a super exotic dream. But haha kinda forgot what it was about already. Just rmb that I woke up and laughed at how stupid it was. I am pretty sure it was something about me being a superhero with special powers XD Well dreams will be dreams I guess.

I just feel that when things are really frustrating, maybe I shld not face them so soon. Perhaps I need a good night's rest to calm down in the morning. So next time, when I get mad at something I shall just ignore it until the next day bah. Probably that would minimize the rashness and probably the fiery fury. For the many disappointments I had ytd... I forgive and forget le. And I sort of learnt a lesson. Or rather had a better impression of one I told myself not so long ago while I was looking through some photos of ppl on facebook.

Well... all I can say is... What's urs is urs. and that's why other's have their own things. Maybe instead of wishing for something that is someone else's I shld just give up quietly and just do my present part. Worrying for ppl is actually not worth it under certain circumstances. for all u know someone else may already be filling in for that part. Someone even better probably. So it is with humility I denounce I give up on my hidden desire bah. let's just be happy at coming moments and let go the unnecessary desires.

As christmas comes... I start to ponder about my own birthday and what i posted ytd. Probably some of the words were exaggerated but thinking about it...it does hold some amount of truth. And I ask myself if I'm a bad person in a sense that maybe I wish ppl would return a gratitude? Perhaps bah i dunno. But I wonder what I want at all in life nowadays. Dun want some expensive stuff, nor want any gadget or gizmo. At the end of the day... I guess what I want is just things that can nvr be purchased by money. A conviction, some luck and self-discovery.

Wonder though... as much as I tell ppl the true meaning of 'Happy Birthday', if mine is much appreciated. oh well... even if it doesn't life goes on. And like my parents used to say. U old liao bday also useless. Ya lol. True... it's just like everyday of a yr. nothing special anyways.

人

It's my third post for the day. And frankly I dun really care if I overexceeded by limits. But as I lie in bed ready to sleep I just have this last urge and breath to do this post particularly. And I'm gonna type this in chinese becuz it is the language best used to truely express my dedication to non other than humans. This is my interpretation of human... I'm sorry if it sounds sarcastic and harsh.

人是世界上的奇迹。 不仅是人类，各种生物都是神圣的，宝贵的。人是何等愚蠢的存在。虽然说是有感情，有自我思想的生存，但，人仍然是绝望的例子：他们是自私的动物，唯有自存的生命力。人人总是想讨好他人；总是想让周围的人更加开心，对自己说自己是无所谓的。但这些想法，只不过是自欺欺人。。。

有的人想为朋友做点有用的事，让他们开心，以让自己觉得自己是有价值的生存。但到最总。。。努力的结晶又算得了什么呢？在你用尽了全力，得到的又是什么？说是感谢也好，那有几人是真正的诚心诚意？就算是为了纯粹好想好想做个让身边人重视的存在。。。在十次内又有几次不是与泪洗面？

人第一位总是只想到自己。。。想为人付出多少多少。。。但到了最后，保证只是看见世界的丑陋。人是矛盾的。因为在你付出的当儿，若想想自己，是否会突然黯然一些？努力的成果又是什么？在你花出宝贵的时间，宝贵的金钱，宝贵的心意。例如说是好朋友的生日。当一年过了又到了自己的生日，你会觉得寂寞吗？在你回想起往年为他人付出的努力。。。人人是否已经早已遗忘？有的人不是要求回报，只是希望，在过去的以后。。。能够成为有价值的人。因为。。。人在寂寞，在孤僻，也还是的认同自己是合群的动物。需要别人的陪伴渡过生活的酸甜苦辣；需要别人给予鼓励，互相守望。

我吃的米不比他人，或没有一个人的盐吃的多。我不敢说自己了解的是人类，也不敢称自己理解的事物比任何人多。。。不过在生活道路上的点点滴滴，我看见的，体会的，听见的，感受的。。。足于让我的心中有个对人类的定义。那是多么惭愧的烙印，紧紧地存在我心上。在我过的每一天，相处的每一个人，我学到了不少。每日的夕阳西下，还是造样要过去。身为人类的我只不过是区区的小点。没有了自己，一天仍会过去。

在我看见的每一次绝望中，我看清了最难说的几句话：‘对不起’，‘感谢你’，‘我爱你’。对不起是我很早就一只会说的话。感谢你也是。要懂得低声下气，敢于认错的人类都是伟大的。在恰当的时候要懂得道谢。因为看见别人的付出，我们能给予最要好的回礼就是发自内心的感激。朋友是重要的，但人类仍是自私的。不过，我们更不能够忘记，是我们的特质。在感到沮丧的时候。。。要懂得原谅自己在能够原谅他人。要懂得了解自己才能够了解别人。

在每个人的眼里。自己的问题总是最惨的。在每个人的眼里，自己的问题是没有人能够了解的深奥.秘密。即使人们想了解，也会被当作是不会了解的。即使真的有人了解，也会被视为自以为是得多管闲事。人与人相处是一种生存之道。是一种深奥的独门艺术。

在当我为了芝麻绿豆的小事所扰。。。在大家深思苦恼的当儿请不要忘记，请千万不要忘记。。。当时的欢笑，和别人为你做的点点滴滴。因为他们是你灵魂的支柱，不是生活的负担！回想年过一年的生日。生日真正的意义不单单是收礼物，和朋友出外庆祝的日子。最重要。。。是他代表了一个人诞生的神圣的一刻。记得你的生日的人，都是欣赏你的存在的真友。因为只有庆幸你的诞生的人才是给你生活价值的鼓励。

人人街上都有。这个世上的确没有了你；没有了我，仍会旋转着。。。但要成为有意义的人，成为有价值的人，让自己觉得活得有意思。。。其实还是需要别人。因为。。。世界也许不留人。但在他人的心中，若对你有重视和关心的心灵寄托，你才能真正对自己的存在更有认同。。。这就是人。。。

Brooding Depressed

I thought I angry one de... But in the end I actually feel so lousy I wanna cry. Now think about it this is actually the very first time my good intentions got turned down. Rather it was brushed aside. Sincerely wanted to thank someone de but turned out I was brushed aside like nothing like that. Not even a formal rejection just anyhow dai guo only. Anyways it's no big thing also... Just something nice I saw while going out today then thought maybe u might like and I feel guilty about going ur house make xmas presents for other ppl but nvr give u anything...

But yar... crying over such trivial matters would be stupid and dumb. But do feel this urge to wanna cry. Feel really lousy and depressed. Online now... also dunno what I'm expecting. Sleep also cannot sleep... I wonder if it's really misunderstanding or not. That I shall not leave to judge by myself. Perhaps hearing an ample explanation would be good. But then again the die has already been cast. Dmg dealt... worst off... this good intention not even for someone I like have a crush on or anything. It's a good fren somemore so makes matters all the more worst. becuz u would have thought good frens would be more sensitive and sensible than to brush u aside... T.T very sad

A Day Of Thinking...

Day started off as sucky as it went today... It all begun with a dream of something annoying. Of someone ps me and somehow I find myself waking up so upset I was crying in my dream, and really I wonder why I was so saddened by that ps when it occurs more often than not. I guess dreams are just unexplainable. But that emotional wave it felt more real than anything else...

Though today was meant to celebrate my dear friend khairiyah's birthday. Sort of feel a bit down in the dumps from the very beginning. But I dun think anyone noticed it le bah. How to say... This is a new me. I've changed to become a positive force instead of a negative one. And I cleverly evaded all those sensitive qns which I expected to be fired at me so it went rather smoothly... My mind was constantly wandering today about a lot of random stuffs and those very subjective qns which ppl often critic as thinking too much...

Just keep asking myself so many qns today pertaining to human relations. Things from how to be a good fren to things like whether to give up on something when the future seems bleak at the moment. Sometimes I wonder if I truely open up to ppl at all. It's a quest to discover oneself and I feel it ever so pressurizing to do it quickly, becuz I'm kinda sick of those masks u pull in different situations. I hate hypocrites, yet I fear I myself am putting on a false image.

Khairiyah and Radhiah were commenting on how much I changed since I were in sec school. Say that I have way more confidence for some reason after I went to JJC and also got so much bolder and daring. Frankly I dunno why also. Used to be rather quiet and shy and also incofident of myself... I guess JC life shaped me. but that really got me thinking of whether changes are truely positive or negative. My relationship with my family has taken a downturn and now it has been reduced to a few words a day. sounds gloomy really... But I have this urge to leave home and be away from them for awhile dunno why. So i particularly look forward to my NS.

Someone made me angry today. I asked myself if I were petty. But really I thought the way it was answered disappointed me. It is more of disappointment becuz I always thought this person was sensible and sensitive enough. Not that much of angry. Just now feeling rather heavy and gloomy. Dun wanna care anymore those kind of feeling. Perhaps this was a misunderstanding bah... That the expression was just wrong. but in the midst of a wrong expression... I really got hurt alot. And I ask myself if that moment of folly showed some true color dare not expressed normally. for now I take a solemn disposition... Just wanna sleep the day away. Wanna sleep early today becuz I feel so fatigued both mentally and physically. And sadly I had so much good news to share today... bad day I guess... Phone also spoilt. =/

Bugging Dread =.=

I'm so bored. Yet I dun feel like doing anything. Played a bit of maple but soon it felt sickening. Read a few magazines and I just realised I've read them at least twice already... Wish there was someone to talk to but then I realise I dun really have anything to say either. Hai... mundane life. But I know can't complain much either becuz it's always this cyclic thing when I always dread the bored when there's not work yet yearn the bored when work piles upon more work. But somehow if i were to choose between the two... I realise I prefer it when there was work, becuz it gives me a direction at least, instead of rotting days away on ends.

Urrrhhh.... Now dying of the dread... Probably irritating some ppl on MSN becuz I'm too broed... >.< ps ah. Well that irritating feeling is upon me again of something I'm supposed to do long ago since the end of A lvls. trust me... I'm FEELING it... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz It's a curse I tell u. A curse that makes my life miserable. Gosh dun even know if anyone can guess what I'm describing. BUGGING FREAK!!!!

A Long Time No Dabble Moment

oooo... It's a long time since I last blogged. Not that I dun have anything to write la... Actually I do have lots on my mind and seriously a lot of things went by this past few days... But somehow whenever I typed halfway I decide to stop le... Feel lazy lol. And suddenly no mood to write le...

Well firstly... Tmr is KHAIRIYAH BIRTHDAY LE ^^ Made a super fantabulous gift that was so totally FREAKIN AWESOME that I keep praising myself LOL ya lar ya lar I probably sound so arrogant now but seriously it's AWESOME *.* Last year's gift already so awesome le so this year gotta be better. Spent like the whole day from morning till night to do, and finally finished. Gotta say again... I am so proud of myself. I am so impressed by myself LOLOLOLOL XD well hope she dun faint when she see it tmr. Gonna pop by her house in the morning and give her her first bday 'cake' as breakfast. MacDonalds hotcakes haha... well apparently she going somewhere with her parents. Some famous religious teacher so too bad me and rad and khai plans ruined. Now switch to wednesday le... Bummer... But still my gift is AWESOME hahaha...

Next... hmmm though xmas is like still rather far away... I delivered xmas presents to my good frens already haha... Must be honoured oh lol It may seem simple but I put in a lot of effort to make de. startong from begging toh liling to lend me her oven to bake my things =.= Thx toh liling ^^ Then I had to learn wrapping from Tay yiling who apparently say that the wrapping i use is very easy de... Guess girls know how to wrap stuff... But I'm a guy zzzz So I really had a hard time rewrapping a lot becuz too ugly zzzz... well hope everyone enjoyed the honey and butter toasted flakes XD they were my first attempt so hope u all udst if they were slightly burnt =P Hmmm... had a serious dilemma while delivering the gifts though. But shall not elaborate yea... Just know i got a huge headache and I felt super sorry and guilty... thx toh liling to tell me what to do when i so panicky =X Well... lets leave this here... shall not gossip. It's not good news anyways.

Hai... Days are passing and the day of me going to teach is starting. Feeling superbly nervous. And feeling ill at the thought of me wearing shirt, tie and long pants. And WORST OF ALL the obiang teacher's shoe =.='' eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... Mixed feelings of daily stuff now. Often think to myself questions of human relation. as in how do we ever tell if we made a mistake. And how do we detect it. Will a 'like' always last... or be sadly mistaken. The boundary between love and like is so thin... I wonder how we tell them apart... =S hai... sadness...

Feeling Sticky

Dunno what's up. But nowadays I have headaches everyday before I sleep. Not sure if it's the weather... But I feel awfully sticky. somehow my skin seems to be secreting excess oils and it just gives ur face especially that wet and moist kind of feeling. Super irritating. Tomorrow's gonna be the day to go Toh Liling house to bake stuff. Kinda look foward but also lethargic as well... zzzzz

Dun really have that mood to go out much since I got addicted to maple again. As much as immersing myself in a virtual reality really passes the time. At the end of the day I always feel that I have no life. well... always a bummer. I mean last few days I was complaining that I have nothing better to do. And now... I finally found something to keep me occupied for the whole day and I'm complaining again. i guess finding what u truely want is a quest that is life-long. zzzz

Teaching days are coming up and I feel I ought to brush up on my academics. BUt then again there is the more threatening problem of appearance. I wonder how I shld appear to fit the role of an educator. What clothes to shop for, what hair to cut, etc etc... It's a bummer. Not to mention chalets are coming up and I really really shld go slim down shldn't I? lol

Well... for now... let's do this one by one... I guess let's see if we can make the desired dream taste that I want in my tarts tmr... so I can give everyone a super sweet xmas hahaha.... well cya peeps... I feel so sticky now... I think i need a bath =.=

Closing Chapter and the Dull Future

Finally finished the whole of the lovely complex manga series. Just as awesome the anime and movie was this manga was definitely worth the buy and the reading. There were many parts in the manga that I had no idea about by just merely watching the anime and movie. Well... bad news is... the poison of lovely complex is intensifying haha. I'm starting to get really high expectations of life and all. well hope there won't be much impact in the future though.

Dun really have anything much to do nowadays... I'm bored zzzzz Even computer games are like boring me and TV programmes just suck sometimes. Wish I could find something interesting to do. Otherwise I shall might as well rot at home =.= Oh well... bored now just typing all this. Gotta go use the toilet liao lol.

Christmas Is Coming =X

Time is moving sporadically nowadays. I mean when I look at the calendar I'm partially shocked and amzaed that it's like just slightly more than a week ago that I was dealing with my last A levels paper, yet time is moving incredibly slow. Feels like it's been a month or more that I've been lazing at home; Ironically as much as I dread that time seems to be crawling I also sort of wish it was not that fast because of many things. =/

Well... Khairiyah's birthday is like round the corner and I am like cracking my brains over what I shld do. =X Well actually I shldn't even be posting this thing here incase khairiyah reads my blog and it no longer becomes a surprise zzzzz. But too late liao, cuz last few post I said le so whatever liao. Anyways got a few things I wanna plan this december. But let's keep it a bit mysterious. Firstly gonna be Santa Clause hohohoho. Secondly Khairiyah Birthday bash and plan ^^V. Next, a surprise sendoff for someone during early january. Gotta start cracking my head for some good ideas zzzz...

Anyways as I continue to read the lovely complex manga the more I feel I'm poisoned by fantasy zzzz. Now i really wish that life was more like the manga. But too bad it's not. Hence feel really bored now.... =//

Still nothing much to say. Rather it's hard to put into words. Well look forward to next monday becuz Toh Liling is coming back from her Genting trip and I can go her house for baking. YAY!!! Toh Liling quick come back leh XD!!! Oh well... I have nothing much to say anyways... So shan't mumble on...

(No inspiration of a title =.=)

Yea today finally mock interview was over. It was a good experience and all... But how to put it... as much exciting as it was I sort of long anticipated that surely I would do good for interviews. So I guess congratz to myself, the trainer said she would definitely give me the scholarship, and if someone didn't it would no longer be that the problem lies with me. Not wanting to sound all arrogant or anything but then... yar a bit expected anyways since I'm a natural at oral skills and now with the interview secrets and techniques that i learnt.

I went to purchase the whole manga set of lovely Complex today. Still reading them as of now. AWESOME as always XD I mean the manga storyline is almost the same as the anime and movie yet somehow different. It goes into greater detail and there was even more scenes which were neither shown in the anime nor movie. For now I'm engrossed. heee so tmr will be a whole day of reading the manga and indulging in the world of Lovely Complex. ^^V

Having these weird empty feelings lately. Wonder what that could mean. Someone warned me about me getting too engrossed in Lovely Complex and hence poisoning my own mind with too much fantasy. A bit skeptical at first. But how to say... Do somehow feel something is lacking. I look towards the romance and frenships etc in the anime and all and start to wish I had them or live a life in that fantasy reality. Perhaps that would start to explain the sudden bore with life itself. Lacks the exciting elements in the fantasy world. Wonder how things will turn out... =X Have imposed silence again today on someone else. Well to be perfectly honest, when i impose silence I always know u know... that I'm being unreasonable. It's not that I am so evil and forceful in wanting people to enjoy the things that I enjoy. It's really not that. When I say I'm angry... I'm not angry at anyone in particular. Just feel lousy and angry that's all... Imposing silence is just my way to avoid like feeling negative or getting angrier while my flames simmer so that next time I see someone I would be alright again...

Perhaps as someone i rmb once told me. What's wrong with me you know? No one thinks like that. Only I do... Well... haiz... I can't really do anything about that. So for now since I've imposed silence... let's be it bah... I guess I just lack the social skills...

Anyways... latest development in the teaching internship thing. Saw a picture and info about the teaching supervisor I would be having already. Apparently it's a physics teacher, and I was rather shocked since... I am not even going to teach physics... so I wonder wth that arrangement was about. Feel the stress coming as I start to realise that the hands of the students are in my hands. Gotta make sure I'm a good teacher or I would really disappoint those students. I do have confidence in the subjects that I am teaching. But then... teaching them to a whole class is another thing entirely. fingers-crossed... ...=X

Do feel fantasy and reality are closing together in my mind... perhaps my mind is really starting to get poisoned by Lovely Complex and it's fantasy ideals... ...

All In A Days' Rant

It's two days since I made my last post, and although it's just a mere 48 hours I sort of have loads of things to talk about. Been wanting to write something the past few days but was too busy to do it, and well finally today I am going to let it all go in one big post ^^V.

Ok let's start with JJC prom 2009. Haha Went through all the prom pictures of our class people and people I know, and i was like shocked and amazed really. I mean the girls particularly. When they doll up themselves they are really really pretty XD No kidding. Hmmm... not exactly some fashion expert, but i thought peishing looked like a princess, nice hair btw. Toh Liling =.= ya lar ya lar I look closer you really look more sophisticated and pretty also la =D. Cynthia from E club was like very nice ^^V and many many more. Though things to comment on the shock scale would be Peiting's surprising hairstyle. Really blew my mind away o.O Abigail also very different. OMG I thought i saw a ghost. You were damn white la. =.= Winnie also look very different. But compared to Peiting they all okok la actually not that big a diff. Well hope everyone had an enjoyable prom night in Las Vegas and brought home with them beautiful and grandur memories of their graduating years. =)

Yesterday I was rather cheerful until some unpleasant incident like burned me up. =/ I was like complaining to toh liling how totally annoyed i was that I had to impose one of my famous silence on people. Sec school people shld know how serious and severe it is when I impose silence on someone. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... Well it started with just a small flame which then escalated into this huge forest fire the more I think about it. Well for now... Fire still sky high and waging. But with time any fire will be extinguished. So let's just see how long this fire would last =/// But point to note to self is that I dun like fiery anger. I dun believe in that. Feel it is childish. Rather I believe in cold anger. The type when u ignore someone or hate them but not say a word. Let it all just rage from the heart, but show it in a subtle way.

Today is the second day of my scholarship course. I have to say it is really worth the money. It cost $90 btw. But the school has subsidised us money already. The speaker was extremely assertive and professional. She was an interviwer herself and is a personal trainer of the corporate world. I mean all of us were like awed at her stories of interviews and her own personal tips. She got us all to go up in front of everyone and like practise some questions that we write for ourselves. Learnt so much about communication and how we present ourselves as well as many things which I can expect to be asked during an interview. As much as it was nerve wrecking to talk infront of everyone, I guess it was good practise u know. after two days i kind of got used to talking in front of people and sharing my views. Another thing to commend about this workshop is that the trainer actually helps us discover what are our values, goals, missions and beliefs. She hears from us individually and give feedback on whether we shld revise it to make it sound more like a goal or what. And THANKS CLAIRE!!! U really helped me forget all about my confusion. For now I think u have finally helped me find out what course I shld take in University ^^V I really appreciate it so much, becuz I have been unable to sleep well for a long time. Becuz I am constantly harassed and haunted by the question. Overall during lunch we all agreed that this was absolutely money well spent. If given a choice of signing up again. GOSH we all would definitely do so and encourage ppl to close one eye on the course and soon they will find out why it is THAT worth it. Tmr would be the mock interview =X Going to prepare for it soon. Going to be interviewed like I am really going to some scholarship talk. There is even going to be a video camera and all so that we can see ourselves. And at the end of the day she is going to tell us if she would award us the scholarship =X Quite nervous. But after I know what I want. I FEAR NOTHING NOW!!!

Well I guess I have some positive bonuses according to Claire before the interview. She says I have an open face and a very friendly smile which not many people have. Which is very welcoming and will help build rapport with the interviewers. Anyways she also taught us how to build physical rapport with the interviewers through our body language which I thought was extremely interesting and useful. Also my language is fluent and clear, and I have a very child-like wonder which makes my voice especially attention grabbing and spirit lifting. AWESOME ^^. Well shall post again tomorrow to say if I will be awarded the scholarship during the mock interview. But really gotta do my hmwk for tmr. (TURNS OUT u really need to do a LOT of hmwk for an interview)

kk last but not least. today I went to the briefing at MOE for my teaching internship. Sad thing was I never really saw any JJ students at all. Perhaps there were? I dunno. But I didn't see any. =/ Felt rather lonely becuz a lot of people came in groups. Well still congratz to myself. I am the 1/4 of the people who applied for this internship and got it. woohoo. Well I think this scholarship workshop helped me have a feel of talking in front of the crowd so I am that much more confident that I will try my best to be a great teacher during my whole school experience. Curiously though, many people say I look like a teacher. So I guess this would the best time to see how true is that yea. Well all is a mystery. Life is a thrill. Continued emphasis today that everyone is equal but unique. Tmr shall be a fun day to look forward to. For now I go do my hmwk and PREP =.=

A Surprising Discovery

Following up from yesterday's prom day at home... hmm seriously went to check out the various scholarships and schools and courses etc. Well sort of made up my mind that I'm going to NUS since they offer a really interesting programme called USP which has gotten sparkles all over my eyes hahaha. Well course-wise still as always a blur. Hopefully as time comes by this haze will slowly subside.

Looked through the prom pictures this morning all excited. But guess too bad 08S02 prom pics are not up yet. Kinda hope they were though. But I did saw F3 prom pics. Some ppl were easily recognisable while others I was like searching high and low becuz below the fb pic they called state the name but I can't even find them =.=. One of these was Winnie. I was like searching so hard you know cuz I was like thinking WHERE THE HELL got? Until I finally gave up and eliminate one by one then I found and I was like AYEEEEEEEEEEEE... There she is. ok so enough of the drama lol. But this game was really fun. Let's call it search for the ppl in the prom pics game ^^V. Mildred also looked quite different. She looked very pretty leh hahaha of course not to say she looks ugly to begin with la =.=.

So woke up this morning all excited. Played the prom pics game and got awed by ppl's amazing transformations, and then again I find myself telling myself over and over in my head... zzz I'm Bored... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Still think Lovely Complex is fantabulous and awesome beyond reason, that goes without saying. It is in thy heart that it shall forever ignite with passion ^^V.

Well some bad news for everyone. Surely this is a douse of cold water. get this! 29.58% of Singapore A level graduates obtain 3H2 As in 2008 T.T Worst 29.31% of A level graduates obtained 4H2 As in 2008 zzzzzz And here I was thinking that if I could get 3H2 As I would be good. But there goes that saying that one mountain is always higher than the other... T.T Well except for Everest of course LOL.

So that means if I just get 1 less A I am out of the game. Loser for life; future ruined; syonarra scholarships; viva la vida my hopes and dreams. It's kind of hard to imagine that majority of ppl get 3H2 As. =.='' seriously. I would have thought it was the minority you know. Well face facts I guess... U snooze you lose. And a startling new thought for me. Perhaps i shld just leave all the future planning to AFTER i get back my A levels. For all u know I may be in for a big surprise and see my dreams plummet to rock btm... Hai depressing. Oh well that's why I have lovely complex for *-*

My Stay-home Prom Day

A lovely 4th time re-watch of Lovely Complex. And I gotta tell you it just doesn't get boring *-*!!! Well... Guess what? Today's Prom Day again. And the decision still the same as secondary school. No prom for me as well. Kinda regret it really but at the same time kinda glad. I guess I'm being ambivalent now haha Perhaps fickle too. But oh well... I have my own reasons.

Decided to do something productive today since everyone was like preparing for prom and I feel kinda left-out sad to say. But nontheless have fun peeps ^^ Hope everyone dress nice nice and have a great time! Look forward to prom pics so that I can laugh at them and perhaps be amazed at 'Ugly duckling to swan' makeover stories LOL. Cleared my room today, and I'm proud to say alas that the right side of my table is finally going to see the light of day. encountered great dilemma though. For I wasn't sure if I could throw all those JC notes away since I was going for teaching intern in Jan and they could really come in handy.

been receiving scholarship application invitation letters from NUS, NTU,... and suddenly I realise that just as I were in primary school till now I have no aims nor aspirations. I wonder what course to take you know. I guess I'm at a bad state right now since I have practically no idea of what I want to be nor what I'm suited for. I only have family goals haha... Sad to say I'm more sentimental than serious and practical. Always watch those shows on TV where guys with dreams are just HOT lol. Guess I must be missing that HOT factor since I have no dreams of the future =.= Boiling down to it I guess I'm just too simple and content with the daily pleasures of life.

Some of those scholarships were pretty tempting I have to say, yet, I dun wanna take up a scholarship anyhows without bearing in mind the aftermath and the things it entails. Again more dilemma and confusion =.= someone funny said I shld go be a writer and I was like laugh laugh laugh. But what truely is to laugh is that I just might go into the writing business. Who knows man? To put it in a good way, I'm a piece of newly-purchased clay that can be moulded into anything. But hey hey, let's face reality that I'm just really indecisive. =/

As I watch lovely complex episode 24. I start to wish my future path will just suddenly come clear to me like on the show when i meet something that truely inspires me on the road and makes me say... I WANT TO DO THAT!!! XD Oh bless Otani and Koizumi, the dynamic duo in Lovely Complex ^^V.

Well... If you ask me, truth is I do have a small dream. But kinda feel awkward to say it out you know. Because this is not something an academic brain will say. Because that just means that I wasted my whole life studying when I do not even need to haha. If only I can open my own store one day I was thinking that sells nice food and beverages. It is to laugh... but my small dream was to open a successful dessert shop I guess =). But I wonder how on earth chemisty, biology, math or even GP is going to come handy for this =.=. Although when I was a baby the fortuneteller did say I would make it big in the food industry and be very rich ^^.

Perhaps one day when I have earned enough money I will do that bah ^^V It is afterall my small small fantasy. The future is a blur to me, and I have my own personal values that I shall not make up things on the spot during a scholarship interview or something. I shall not lie just to get in. I want to be sure before I do anything. That sounds kinda MAN doesn't it? hohohohoho XD

Whether I choose science; Whether I choose business; Whether I choose the Arts; Whether I choose medicine; Whether I choose the public services sector... I just hope when I do I'll be sure. I'll be sure of what I need to do to deliver (Y)

XD

THANKS LOVELY COMPLEX XD
I'm SERIOUSLY SUPER SUPER HAPPY NOW HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

A Drug That Makes Me Go Dazey(HOHOHOHO!!)

Anyone reading this has JUST GOT TO WATCH THIS FREAKING GOOD ANIME!!!! It is not just a show, it is THE show. Emphasis on 'THE SHOW'!!!! OMG I dun even know where to start. It's so great it has got me giddy and excited just talkng about it hahahaha... This anime was SO impactful it made me wanna share my happiness with everyone I know. Becuz after watching it I have this strange sense of happiness and bliss like the feeling of I'm in love. SERIOUSLY I swear. And I'm not the only one who says that! Hooi Kim also say watch le will give a sort of blissful feeling. But oooohhhh.... I feel like I'm in heaven.=) When characters of the anime cry I grab a pack of tissue. When they laugh I laugh along. And when romantic moments come my palms sweat and I stare with my eyes glued to the moniter. I swore i screamed like a fangirl on multiple occasions too XD

kk... I was so excited that I forgot to mention what this anime is called in the first place zzzz. It's... LOVELY COMPLEX. Dear lord jesus and god from all religion thanks for the godsend. I'm so greatful *_*!!! All go this link: http://www.animefreak.tv/watch/lovely-complex-episode-1-english-dubbed-online-free!!! I bet my dignity that u will LOVE it! It's my greatest regret not watched this earlier. The blessing and lover of my present. And the inspiration for my future. This is not just GOOD. It is AWESOME and FANTABULOUS!!! It is MOST IMPTLY... good... for the SOUL... *_* To summarise it's about a relationship between two most unlikely ppl. A girl who is freaking tall and a guy who is freaking short. You can expect to see heartwarming scenes and of course comedic ones that will make u ROFL. U can count on my words.

I wonder what magic this show has that makes me change my view of many things. Used to have these feelings that BGRs are horried and all for awhile post some traumatic experience. But now love is painted in a rosy picture to me now. =D I just keep feeling honey and smile to myself everyday. Never felt this good for ages. It's like all my troubles and worries just momentarily disappeared after watching this life-changing show... It's a magical drug. been rewatching it multiple times. You know it is SO GOOD they converted this anime into a life action movie starring real life actors. AND I NVR THOUGHT REAL LIFE WOULD BE SO AWESOME. After I watched it i almost fainted from happiness... Like if I got hit my a car I would die with no regrets LOL.

Well one of my most fav episodes... (Of COURSE all of them ARE MY FAV!!! HOHOHOHOHO ^^V) was one about the birthday when the guy finally confess to the girl after rejecting her two times, which lasted over 17episodes... =.= zzzz. But it was worth the wait those magical 17 episodes, when they finally got tgt. XD Well... about birthdays... I guess one of my good friend's bday is coming right up... Khairiyah. I wonder what I shall do this time. Oh and not to mention Christmas is coming too. I guess almost everyone would be receiving presents from me since I'm on a starvation diet and have tons of money to spend on gifts ^^V Well did wanted to spend all that money on something i really want... But nah I guess christmas comes once a yr and I'm going army soon so might as well spend my last christmas as a teen before i go into army and become supposedly a man... =.=

Birthdays sure remind me of many things... But I shall not elaborate. And I guess there is such a thing as drug immunity. Becuz... I mean I still think the anime was fantabulous and AWESOME just the effect that it gives me of erasing all bad memories all that seems to be weakening... haha Oh well nothing last forever i guess... So many burning qns in my mind now. but k I guess i just go rewatch the whole anime series again. ^^V

There is a three letter word I have been wanting to use for a long time though... ... oh well... =X

Coming to an end...

I was asking someone a few days ago... what it means to grow up, and then when we grow up do we change? whether that change was innate or shaped by the environment. I have been experiencing negative changes in myself... At the end of the day when all the mood swings fade away as quickly as they arrived, I start to feel disgusted at myself and wonder if I am wrong to blame these changes in myself on that 'incident' that still haunts me till this day. I fear with my greatest of fears perhaps this is the real me. Because when I look at my mum and my dad. It seems I inherited non of their character traits. But nowadays I see my father's violent nature start to appear in me and I hate it...


I start to see my capricorn self start to diminish as my moon sign gemini starts to take over. Maybe it seems funny, but then I start to fear interactions with people as much as I fear myself. I'm so afraid I will explode on someone, and then I ask myself if hanging out with people how many masks have I put on anyways... it all boils down towards the end I guess... I am anti-social and this is a fact. I start to wonder seriously you know... If I am slightly neurotic, because I am so bad at human interactions.


I see F3 and I asked myself how on Earth I managed to join them when I am so much a black sheep in that group of people. I am not bubbly, not a social butterfly, shy and quiet, and saddest thing is I realise I dun really play unless that play is some kind of work like a project or something. I suppose I'm destined to be a loner, but I'm not gonna complain about that, because ppl will just say its my own choice and I face up to that. I'm changing... I feel it and see it. I no longer like to talk to people about things. I keep everything to myself and prefer to give ppl the cold shoulders.


I'm afraid to get into a strong frenship. I am afraid to have a bgr. I'm afraid of change. Just suddenly wanted to be left all alone and wish people dun talk to me at all. I feel this wintry frost of loneliness and some weird sensation but sort of find that to my liking. I guess I'm meant to be solitudinal or at least that's my character. until then what I keep to be once golden friends, I start to ponder as well. feelings waver and I have this urge to just stray away from everyone and maybe with time these golden frens will forget me as much as I want to forget them. But then again... I think I'm thinking too highly again of myself. Who cares about me anyways? For ppl studies probably is number 1 because their future is at stake. It's natural you know. People have priorities and I guess my priorities are different then...


Gaining weight is not helping one bit as it makes me wanna coop myself at home all day. Being fat is an embarassment and I am too embarassed to go workout and stuff. I know this sounds pathetic... =/ Because ppl surely will scold and say to accomplis something you must make the first step. And then again... I dun think people understand. I mean OMG take a look around me and I quickly realise I am the only person having this problem so how can I imagine people to understand. Perhaps they do u know... But I can't understand... =///

Dun even really think people visit this blog anymore. I think I'm gonna delete it for good. Neither do I think I wanna see other people's blogs le bah... Becuz reading them though doesn't sting as much as attacks from the past still hurt to have a flash of the past, feeling at the present and then a thought of the future... A trip to Malaysia... Tried my luck and to my surprise I could still make it... But I start to feel colder and colder and somehow drifted... Sounds sad... I feel so... But actually enjoy this sad feeling. At least it cleans my guilt and my remorse and my feeling of uselessness and unmotivated...

I wanna work hard for that Malaysia trip. Becuz... ... I dun want people to see me as a failure as much as I feel so that way... I wanna be a quiet soul and lonely... With fear I'm wary of my actions and emotions. I no longer enjoy human interactions like last time. Neither do I like sharing thought with people, feelings too unless really wanna explode. Starting to enjoy the company of that presence in my room... It should know me the most... seeing me go through everything silently... I guess silence needs no expression, Just the way I like it...

Dream Field

If one studies colour therapy or the biology of the human eye, then one will definitely easily identify purple and green as the most soothing colours of the visible spectrum, being that green light is the only wavelength that our retina needs no adjustment to see. And then again there's purple, the colour of luxury and calm. Psychologists say lovers of the colour purple are likely to be lazy, idealistic and different from other people in their thinking. Wonder how true is that? as i start to think back which of my friends are purple freaks.

Green is the colour of life. The colour of nature in its most lush and the symbolism of fertility and holy energies. It is intermediate between the yellow of the sun giving life to the crystal blue of our oceans and lakes. Green is internationally associated with healing, peace and vegetation. Lovers of the colour green are peaceful, quiet and careful, and are more often males than females. curiously though... studies show that more guys like purple than girls. lol

And then there is the oxymoronic interpretation of green. In chinese old wives tales we hear stories of ghosts appearing in a green puff of smoke, and in western cultures green is also commonly used to label toxic substances. Green for one is also the colour of poison and immaturity. It is no wonder we call green fruits unripe and a newcomer a greenhorn. More infamously I'm sure everyone has heard the saying 'green with envy'.

A lesson in colour is important to understand our psychology and other's too. Color therapy theory certainy sounds awkward to me... I mean they actually say exposure to light of certain wavelengths of colour will have impacts on cellular activity. Well I only have one thing to say... I am no plant and neither do I have photosynthetic pigments. So I wonder how on earth I will be affected by incident light... lol But I do believe this... The fact that colour affects our moods and the reason is because colours symbolise things we know. I say yellow and one quickly associates that to happiness. there is no argument there.

Dreams in colour... I'm starting to have new outlooks on the effect of colours in dreams. I'm a fan of the colour green and I find those descriptions of green lovers apt. including sayings of 'green with envy'... ... I wonder... if in my dreams I will see those colours reputably therapeutic... or is it just so fast paced in dreams as it is in real life... I nag and complain as time goes by and I am crammed with work. yet when times to take a break comes... I quickly find myself dreading the boredom...

A lavendar field... a lovely contrast of purple and green... I wonder if in my whole life I will ever see something so beautiful... I close my eyes and I imagine... This steep mountain range set in the background with snow capped apexes. The Sun so gently obscured by the tall rocky peaks. And in the fore ground this vast vast field of purple flowers in a sea of thin green leaves that sway in the incoming breezes. Grabbing a jacket people get out of their homes to see those lovely fields so majestic in the pinkish glow of the evening sunset. Chilling dry winds from the mountains scud ever so silently bringing with it a waft of floral and soothing fragrance. It's nature's aromatherapy at work... ... ... ...

Christmas's coming soon... And suddenly I wonder... If i'll see snow in Singapore... Not the white fluffy snowballs of the northern and southern latitudes, but the raging blizzards that surge ever so frequently in everyone's heart this coming season... I feel bored... =/

A Late Early Discovery

I realised something today. Perhaps I'm slow, because i highly doubt there will be someone like me who just discovered this thing. It was true coincidence, a rather distasteful one that I suddenly come to realise that humans are social animals. I knew this from the start, I mean who doesn't? The thing I never really took notice of was the definition of 'social'. What is 'social' exactly? A group of people right? But what about the size of the social circle?

I think I have an answer for that after quarreling with my dad over something stupid. The answer is one is enough. What empowers us exactly? I realise it is support from the people will love and care for. Be it frens, family or something else altogether. I'm sure everyone has that experience of saying to yourself... at least die I wish u die with me. If someone were to think ur idea is good u feel empowered. And when people jeer at it... U feel discouraged though maybe not to the extent give up, just a wee bit less confident.

Nontheless... what am i trying to say? =S It is through quarrel, my dad was left alone. because me and my sis would oppose him. So everone ignores him, and give him the cold shoulders. but then my mum even though think my dad is like that de cannot change still like dun give him cold shoulders like us so he continues to feel he is right. Even though is there even a right? What may seem right to me, perhaps in his eyes he is more right than left itself.lol

But haha... discovery for the day that as long as you have a single person who sticks by you. even if the whole world hates you, I think it wouldn't be that bad. ask those lover birds around you, ask the parents you have and you'll soon realise all it needs is a bit of trust that is worth a thousand grand and more. i'm not saying all we need to do is to find that one fren in ur life or lover for all eternity. Just stating a fact from my very narrow and shallow observation that with just a single support there is great empowerment.

Even if I hate someone with all my heart or the opposite. Even if I curse someone till the day I die or wish so hard till the day I dread the wishful thinking... Nothing will change... only me. And I will then have to bear the resentment and the unpleasant aura that I so willingly put on myself... Only to see the subject of hate or disbelief go happy and blissful far from anything else. Unless someone can make the WHOLE world turn against someone... then I'll say that person is doom. Otherwise... now I am hesitant to say those worlds... Hate forever, love forever and so on and so forth... ... Forever does exist. That's the big correction to all those presumptuous people who keep saying forever exists in fairytales. It exists for yourself and that's a fact. Just dun ever expect your forever to exist for that someone else...

Lights Out

I wonder if anyone remembers this picture... it's late in the night again... And somehow I saw something which brings back memories... Some documents in the computer I guess I shldn't open again because it evokes a tidal wave of emotions. Feel sucky now. Even the lights in my room got spoilt and now I'm typing in the dark... =/

I just start to see so many things when times have ended... what could have been and would have been... But now no more. Would it make myself or anyone else feel just a little better if I said it's my fault? It weighs heavily down on my masquerading heart, whenever I see such things that make me remember wounds so deep...

I wonder if this would be one of those nights I would cry to sleep again... It's been a week since it happened, but haha feel kinda funny now. Feel overwhelming feelings getting barracaded from exploding out. Like a whirpool in the middle of a huge reservoir whose walls now look shakey and frail. Perhaps I shld destroy everything that will make me remember... yet everytime I can't bring myself to delete them or chuck them away...

The truth still lies... I wish for the impossible. Though I know pretty well... everyone has got their lives going on. I'm not the worst case i know. Neither am I worth pity becuz so many others haven probably gone through what I've been through and survived. And of course I agree that i won't die... physicallly that is... but I died, a part of me inside which made me change my whole perception of the world. You know... The world is a selfish place. It's as realistic as you think. No rather... it is more realistic than you think. as much as we call humans sophisticated and a notch above the beasts, we are no different in our behavior. it's survival of the fittest in this perilous worlds, where wolves are masquerading sheeps in the flock, and people around you make you feel like that black sheep in the sea of snowy white.

I shld be selfish and less willing to help in any way I can. For one, not everybody will appreciate it, and two becuz it is foolish to do so at my own expense. I like to brag, that's a fact. I hate to lose, that's a fact of all facts. and as I type this post, this provocative posting, i feel a rushing sense of nostalgia and anger welling inside...

I won't deny the thing I feel now... I feel like crying... ... But I dun want to have pimples, as tears on the face can cause pimples... =/// I'll hold it in for as long as I can, yet it seems futile... To control yourself is a reign on a wild horse... i wonder... why ppl fight if they know they are going to lose... ... sadded... may tears wet our pillows tonight... =(

A Jar of Wishes

A week of A Levels have officially passed... Got to admit though that it wasn't easy, and the fact that I feel extremely guilty that I studied so little as compared to what I did for my O levels. It's the laxing period of A levels now, and I guess this is really the time I should start thinking about some stuff which I have been putting away since long ago.

There's this strange feeling I have, Just have this super good feeling that I am going to ace all my A lvel subjects. But hmmm... imagination? =S I mean, there's no basis for me to make an accurate prediction, yet I feel so confident of myself I sound like a bag of wind zzzz All talk, no results... =/ Chem, Geog and Math I am all quite sure I am going to get an A. GP I am quite pleased this time, so that I shall leave to luck and fate to decide. But alright... I guess that's all I'm going to talk about the A levels. just hope so bad that I am going to be JJC next top scholar.
(fingers crossed >.<)

Recently I signed up for this teacher attachment programme, whose targeted audience was to the primary school kids. signed up mainly because I sort of wanted a taste in the education career path, and also because it was not a 'sure get in when u sign up thing', so tried my luck. And to my surprise MOE ppl actually called me up and asked me if I would instead like to be posted to a sec school or jc o.O so thought about it over the weekends... and now i say my answer is... I want to be posted to a jc. True, I am like about the same age as my students if like that =.= but then, JC classroom management is easier, and I like jc sub better since they are narrower but deeper, not like sec school is wider but shallower. I like deeper things -o-o-

So i guess my holiday job is roughly set. $65 dollars a day haha, sounds good and my NS starts in april so i still have lots and lots of time to earn some $$$ and build up my resume which I am actively working on now. To all my friends out there whom I haven spoken for a long time, I wish you guys all the best for a lvls. Seriously it's not how much we talk about or if we interact. And frankly I am angry with one of my friends now. But still I know they are my friends, just angry that's all...

As A lvls, draw to a close, I guess I start to see my own JC life flashed pass me. to my greatest regret was to nvr have taken H3, when i had he chance. yet in JJC, I lived part of my interesting time of my life. I found something I always wanted to look for, got heartache of the sort i nvr thought i would get, and brought with me a valuable lesson inscribed on my bleeding personna.

The thing about the jar of stars... It just seems so familiar. And as I fold each one with a thought in mind, I remember a door that was opened. I am a boy who gave up his religion, when he stopped beliving in god or buddha or whatever u call it for chinese ppl... Because ppl usually only find themselves looking to the higher plane when they are in need, but nvr when they are fine and happy. It seems so absurd to me that it is only when despearation do we seek refuge in the shadow of god's will, and that's just so sad for god, because ppl only turn to him when there is nothing else to turn to, or when things need... a miracle.

Fate is a powerful thing I assure. As I spend nights sometimes feeling the hurt from my scarred heart and crying out everything held within, I just start to see... How it was nvr anyone's fault in anything, just fate working its way into any opportunity it gets to ruin everything. I want to fold finish this meaningful jar of stars, becuz with each star I implant a memory, and as white as christmas is about to come... May god if he truely exists... show me one last sign...

It'll nvr happen again... ... ... ... =///

9th November

9th November, what a day it brings so much feelings into me... A levels in less than a week... But then suddenly I find myself thinking about something else and the symbolism of 9th Nov and its amazing coincidence... Rammaged through old memories today to find pictures and objects- artefacts of an extinct story- that tell stories of a thousand tears and anguish.

9th November is a day for movies. A time for people grab some friends along and catch that latest movie. Chill out and talk all aboutt he movie after the flick. A horror show would be most apt or even a thriller. Wish I could catch a horror movie on 9th Nov, but unfortunately it is the onset of the A levels and no one will accompany me to watch too =/

9th November is a magical day for telling someone you are not so close with a secret. Tell people of your woes and doubt and sought answers in the most unlikely of people. Because through people u don't know can u get new perspectives that are unbiased. And certain things require a third party to see the bickering two.

9th November is a day when people ps u in all sorts of things. Because that's how people are. No one owes you anything, and you have no control over another's actions. But those that turn up are definitely those you want to treasure and value.

9th November a day I saw from one year ago as a day for celebration... 9th November is a dark day. With its gloomy dark cloud looming ever so close by. Perhaps I am being too emotional, hence getting emotionally clouded than logical... But believe me... I say... to me 9th November's most important event is not the geography paper... for me... it's a day for mourning... ...

I see an orange and a brown. And kept the brown for almost a year, hoping to give the brown to u. But I now believe truely that both brown and orange will remain with me for the years to come... I hate you stirrer... I dun make sense and I am unreasonable probably. But I hate the stirrer despite its many functions. A rusty spoon of camouflaged death, take a sip and get oxide fever... BUt when sugar is added, I suppose even the nastiest of rust would taste like heavean. I'm not blind and not apathetic... I'm human. And humans are such horrible creatures... Perhaps I was never the coffee that is bitter-sweet... But more of the bacteria crowded beverage... A spiked drink... ...

And I feel horried... but I realise I still hate you... ... though I can't bring myself to hate... I lose heart and I ask myself how do I show hate and mean it... I just find it child's play... Because I dun want to be childish in showing actions of hate... I just hate... ...

But I can't... ... Because both people are not deserving to be hated...

Burning The Midnight Oil

Days of doom are far approaching... I wonder how prepared I really am for the unexpected; how prepared I am for the fates; how prepared I am for the strain of it all... I squandered my time playing and now I recall the story of the ant and the grasshopper... But let's not go there or delve too deep into this.

I just realised for a while, as I begin to see things in many different perspectives which I never thought before. From all this I only learn that no one is irreplaceable nor indispensible. Because the truth is everyone has their replacements. I once thought without me some things would never had happened. But now that I think again, perhaps it would have anyway. Without me living time still goes on anyways, and so does the Earth continue to revolve around the sun.

I cried my depression away and bandaged my bleeding heart. I find solace from my silent yells and screams, in everything fun, laughter and procrastination. a double edged sword, both the best of me and the end of me. So here I am burning the midnight oil. Studying like mad, because I was foolish enough to take two weeks of my study break for pure fun and no work at all. No one would be in the same sh!t as me now. If there is, then i tell that person, u gg for sure.

My old sec school friends say I have landed myself in such situtations plenty a times and that always I somehow think of something and get by. I hope, with fingers-crossed it will happen. Because I am already thinking of plans to seal up gaps in this sinking vessel I am floating in right now. As the second hand ticks away, I suddenly wish I had digital clocks because I mean it literally that stupid ticking is happening in my room and its kind of irritating because it sounds so loud in the dead of night. -.-''

I wonder what I'll do after all the A lvl sh!t ends. Watched these shows on dreams and how they empower us and sadly I come to realise I have non. I dun plan for the future, I just make unrealistic far sighted dreams of tomorrow. Yet never have I considered the route to get there. Always the far goal but never any thought about how exactly I intend to get there. I'm a sloth for amusement and lustful for any chance to make excuses.

And if things could get any worst, then screw me. =X It's a quiet night and I'm tired. Eyelids as heavy as weights and a body frail from fatigue. Perhaps it's time to extinguish those midnight oil lamps- because I am no tamil during deepavali nor is there oil to burn LOL- and get some dreams in my head...

I remember once I saw a rainbow in an unexpected place... ...

But I already said... it doesn't matter... so let's just keep what I promised...

Bring On The New War Order

Disgusting cells, the lament of everyone and the new face of the enemy. Tobacco used to be the enemy to the modern society, but times have changed and now we face a new threat. That's right folks, that's the picture of fat cells or to be precise adipose tissues. There is no denying that fats has it's benefits. Common functions include to solvate fat soluble vitamins,to protect many of our important organs ... ...

But I question the efficiency of our bodies or rather what god intends for our bodies from whence we first took our first steps into life. Fats are supposed to be our angels, that help us go through periods of starvation and all, but today it has mutated into a menace. Just look at all those slimming products on the market and the increasing number of gym memberships and promotions. The mere existence of corportaions that feast on our disease is sickening but strangely lucrative from their point of view.

Those pills on the market, god knows if they truely work. However I can only say that if I were a bussinessman, as horried as it may sound and it would seem logical too that we would never want to market something too effective. Highlight is on the 'too'. Because if products were so successful how do we even earn money when a one time usage would be sayonara afterward. Don't believe me? just look around you. America for instance has 1 in 3 people being obese, yet ask yourself if advertisements of slimming miracles have dwindled. face it. If products really work then no one in this world would be fat anymore, and the war on fats would be as sound as nuclear bombs dropped on japan during world war two.

The only solution to emerge triumphant over the persistent lipids is to be smart enough to notice these trends and commonplace phenomenon. After this GREAT realisation, then its time to reevaluate old methods and improvise new ones. Easier said than done, because soon it will be an even greater battle with yourself over sacrifices that HAVE to be made to achieve that ideal weight.

Bummer... If only wars on the fats and inches would be as easy as dropping a nuclear bomb. No one likes to be fat. Hate them, but can't do away with them. Punch it, kick it, cut it... Man I tell you nothing works, and that feeling of feeling so fat is awfully... AWFUL and it is no exaggeration. for now the first fires of war have sounded. A war that a lot of people face today, as do I. Geesh... let's just hope getting mad helps lose a couple of punds because I am fuming at my own fats =@. Hope people see the change in my weight after the two weeks of study 'break'. Which is purpoesly in inverted commas because it is far from a break. Call it literally make or break is more like it. haha... yea... sarcastic here... if u get what i mean

Disappointed In Myself

Counting the days to A levels with my own hands... It seems so close by, yet something in me says there's still time. Disappointed with myself, that I continue to procrastinate as I see people around me work hard and even harder... I have big dreams, but little action. And it is never that dreaming big earns big rewards... it never was that way...

I wake up every morning with that tiny excuse to myself, as with other things I have told myself to do... That to-do list always put off to tomorrow... It's never ever the day after tomorrow... but forever the day afterwards and then afterwards... I don't really know what I am doing to my life anymore or how I intend to live on...

That these past week I have just been playing the day away... and seriously i mean it, zero work at all... Nothing! Flip through or read the notes? No either... not a sentence from a single page... and I know I am getting rusty from how I think my chemistry is starting to suck... And now I see the days ahead... Just 2 weeks and so much that should have been done... I wonder if it's too late... And even later to realise it now than ever before... The evil of temptation... Really.... I rather be a hardworking chap than someone who idles around and thinks he is smart and all and that somehow things always turn out fine...

If life was a gamble... in the truest of sense, the be it 50% I plunder under it all... I wish I had the motivation of last time, and I know it's inside somewhere... I'm constantly making empty promises, but all on impulse and only it meant it at that moment I said it... But time proves it wrong... as it errodes and crumbles into dust and I just tell myself... I give up...

I wonder if in the following remaining two weeks I would say I give up... probably wouldn't but would i be deceiving myself? Because I get complacent and take it easy...

I just wanna depend on myself now... ... because I can do everything in myself... dependency is a weakness and so are lots of things... I'm absurdly jealous of dependence... but that kind of envy will never get me anything... I imagine all day things my mind create, that maybe things won't even be how i thought it up...

Tomorrow alright? I'll say ok... But I just wanna start now... no more tomorrow... I'll start this instant even though its late, just a little will do and then continue tomorrow... This way today... TODAY will finally be the NEW tomorrow...

Jealous as always...

KaBoom It Went

Usual Late late night post... Just the feeling comes at night I guess... Won't say I feel lonely, because this time I am afraid I might be delusional. Don't want to be abnormal, but don't want to be so normal too. This must be what everyone feels too. Wishing perhaps you are special when the cliche saying would be that: 'What makes you so special'? rebuttal. period.

When things go boom in your life, much like the 9/11 terrorist attack on the twin towers or the bombing of Nagasaki and Hiroshima during WW2, one thing always stays... The frantic response and a bewildered mind and never forgetting the sudden decimation of things held sacred. Time bombs are just everywhere so close to us... It makes life as though treading on thin ice, one small touch of those insidious landminds and... KABOOM!!!

So... what are the land mines in our lives? Those turning points in life when we make wrong decisions and reap the direct consequence. It's as if nuclear bomb when head down on you. The loss of life (temporal of course) and the bewilderment at that time so seemingly frozen somewhat. And who can forget the radiation burns after the onslaught: The remorse, guilt and regret that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

It is when we are bombarded that we reevaluate ourselves and mitigate future calamities. The challenge to the sanctity of life, be it ethinicity for u, or a love life, it really doesn't matter. Just gapping wounds of the heart, they recover and reseal scars. And it's never time that heals all wounds. Really it ain't... I would know if it did... Because you can have as much time as you want, but u can spend all of it moping and staying at that same spot-- defeats the purpose yea?

Yet sometimes, bombs set off in our spirits... The typical irritatedness and overwhelming vexness that possess us and make us go mad with anger for no reason. It is the hate we feel that cumulates and one fine day... just KABOOM! Be it mood swings, be it justice, be it fairness, be it hatred... ...

What I am trying to say is... bombs... what are they really? Not bombs of war, but bombs in our daily lives... Where are those land mines that are concealed in my path ahead... because I can't see them... And it is with not knowing that fear arises and when logic fails, religion suddenly becomes the great refuge of answers of the philosophical sort. I respect the buddha and confucius, but I'm starting to see the truth that the greatest refuge is perhaps of something even closer. Not yourself, that's the lame politically correct answer lol... but rather your friends...

There are so many occasions when bombs go KABOOM in myself and I wish so direly to talk to someone and I thought, why? Because it is my own problem just as I know everyone thinks that. ok, so talking goes out of the list... what next? Because bombs are so devastating, all the more I should protect myself... As the clock ticks and the time bomb ticks with it.

Be it explode or dormant we cannot deny it exists, but to look away and pretend so is just plain naive. Let bombs so myriad decorate our night skies as we awe in disgust at fireworks going off here and there... though hurtful somewhere but strangely so beautiful... those crimson-yellows in the night sky...

KABOOM it went... ... KABOOM it did so long ago... KABOOM went things that once abhored... KABOOM it still flashing in my mind like it was yesterday... As KABOOM will soon happen if I procrastinate further... I'm so sick of those landmines the stupid KABOOMS =/

A song that speaks a thousand words... whose rythmn haunts my soul... With regrets or embrace I am speechless... The song and family i've been running from... ghosts...

That Feeling Again

Feel like crying again... =/ but alas I see someone in good hands, that I am sure. Even if it is not me, doesn't matter right? Because any other person is just as qualified... ... Just memories protrude like a broken spring coil... ... Let me wash my soul today with tears...

may tmr be a better day... Value #1 I discover... I always mean it when I say I mean it... ...

What are the laws I abide by?

Finally visited the PSC scholarship website today to take a look at the essay which i am supposed to compose. It's no walk in the park or a time for facades to gain favour. I guess what the scholarship panel is looking for is a true honest and earnest voice, so I have to remember to tone down the malodrama and reach deep inside and ask myself what and how I am in life. Becuase the question this time: What are the values and beliefs you hold strongly to in life?

It is ironic, that is that such questions ever occured to me in my life even though i probably am living through one I have set innate in myself; just unconcious. I wouldn't brag about going through all problems in life. Yet, I guess I am exposed to a variety. Even problems pertaining to friendships I have went through, something which i never forsaw I would go through. Regrets nowadays for the discard of my H3. As fantasies of me going up on stage upon A levels release becomes ever lucid in my dreams. Becoming cocky perhaps... yet I wonder why but I just have this strange strong feeling that I am going to achieve all As.

Digressing as usual now... My mind is digging deep and searching frantic for answers about myself. sometimes I find myself an incredibly selfish person and also very evil, while other times I seem to tone down. And now I ask myself what I have lived by for this 18 years of my life. Those values I hold dear and expect of myself and people. and the crux of it all... in this haze... my personal philosophy that is truely mine and no one elses.

A voice that speaks louder than a crowd. something out of the norm yet neither dramaticised nor pretentious. If I were to say I believe in equivalent exchange I would be lying to myself. Because the world as we see it as I have seen myself is never fair. What about that of the survival of the fittest? Such eugenics, I might as well proclaim myself the next adolf hitler =.=.

It takes time to explore and indulge in your inner being. Going to take the time off to find out the answer for myself. Going to ask for some help too, but ultimately I know the real answer lies deep in thyself. To the senseless world now, I seek ambition in everything I seek. I search for answers in a moral maze and question my ethics. The degradation of core philosophy and hints of radicalism. Lets make something impressive =)

My GP is improving and my human geog seems to miraculousy become good. Hurray ^^V Thanks Ms Huang, Ms Zhou, Dr Gan, Ms Goh and Mrs Joey Tan. And somehow I rmb and hold fondly I feel I thank you too Mdm Sim...