Drip Drip Drop

Drip. Drip. Drop. I stand alone beneath a dark gloomy cloud. An unending rain that had dished out cats and dogs since it first came about. Bringing hurt and seeding negativity in my heart and mind every single day. I'm so tired... Drenched and soaked. My eyes hurt and so is my confidence. A shining hope dulls ahead and I soon come to realize how dark reality can be.

No one can understand me; No one can help me... I yearn for miracles only to find that miracles only exist in fairy tales =/ People ask me why I had to torture myself like this. He is after all just a friend. Or he is just a guy. Who cares?

I have come to realize that whatever I explain will be of no use. Because neither he nor other people will believe me too. I thought my friends would trust me but I guess I can't blame them. I whisper silent cries every single second... Because under my seemingly okay face, hides a bleeding heart and face drenched in warm and bitter tears.

Drip. Drip. Drop. When will my world see sunshine again? I dun want to cry anymore... or feel so awful... This never ending rain... I look tirelessly sky bound for a patch of blue sky in the flurry of scudding dark clouds overhead ='//

I told someone: I don't think. I know I'm not gay. But so what if I said this... would anyone believe me? Because if people believed me would they even require an explanation? Words are cheap and so is dignity. But by being myself I destroyed a best friendship. The answer to them was... Yes I am reacting a lot to JUST a friend and yes the friend is a guy. But to me... he was the first male friend I had who I really felt was a best friend to me... and that is why his friendship was so important... and also why... I can't stop the drip.drip.drop... The rain that when will end... ... ?

Nobody Knows What It's Like To Be The Bad Man

Nobody knows what it's like... to be the bad man... To be the sad man... Because all my friends probably don't care that much any more... I have been superbly depressed for a long time... =/// I feel alone with no one to talk to, and everyday when I wake up and see things and feel things they really hurt me more than anything else.

I promised that for work I will not let much of my emotions get to me. It's true I kept that promise. Because at work I don't really show much depression... But when I'm off from work... please I beg you... please just let me be sad because that's how I really feel... Nothing can help much anymore...

Deep down I cried and sometimes during normal working hours tears streak down when I am at a quiet corner. But I'm glad no one notices... I'm not one easy to handle because I am too depressed. I mourn over something lost... since the day it happened... And I realized I never stopped bleeding until today =X Because I have a feeling that... no one was there for me and neither did I have anyone I wanted to turn to when I didn't want to talk but just release a reservoir behind those eyes... =/

Shards Of Broken Glass

I have come to realize myself more now. I know my own weaknesses and my downfall. After the terrible storm hit, I look back at broken things, and I come to realize how fragile everything is. Trust and time mean nothing. Because no matter how expensive something is or how beautiful something is. It doesn't matter if they are fragile. One drop will smash everything to smitherines, and everything will no longer be the same again...

I have a thousand reasons and a thousand 'sorries' but nothing will turn back the hands of time. Nothing will restore what once was. Nothing will heal the scars. Because even if you tried your hardest to glue all the tiny pieces together into the same exact shape, the cracks can still be seen. It can never be the same again. Never ever so beautiful. You can cry and wish a tear of miracle will restore everything like in fairy tales. But I realize they don't exist.

The whole world's sincerity worth... means nothing at all~

Soon to come... I'll be going away. But you'll be going away too... Perhaps it's time feelings are sealed up in permafrost. Because I am quite sure things will never be the same again. I can choose to show how depressed I am, but that will only make you and I and everyone else around me miserable. So I'll pretend that a broken piece of glass was put back together, and be ignorant about the cracks. It will hurt me inside... But that you'll never know... Like you said bah... as pure as water. Which I explained to someone too the meaning...

Making Reality Out Of A Movie

I have been wandering about aimlessly for awhile now...

Have you ever felt like everything you believed in is challenged? Suddenly all your philosophies don't work anymore? I have been trying so hard to find answers since 3 years ago. I have questioned time and again why things happen and who am I? Because I don't know what happened somewhere in time that has caused me to change so much.

I sought the source of all my negative energy and looked forward in hopes of seeing a direction to heed. Only to realize all this time I've grown up. Because I won't forget what a respected teacher of mine once told me before in J1: Zhao Mian I am worried about you because you have yet to seen the world...

I never understood what she meant but now I do. She's right because since I was born till I had my terrible encounter in JC my road had been straight and easy. I've never been betrayed before in my life and I always got what I wanted. I cried over 99/100 because I always wished for perfection. All the things I believed in stayed true to me in the past, but that was only because I was too naive and was still a child. I forgot a very important thing: People change...

I can't find happiness anymore because so far I have only started to see things. Things which others have seen when they were still kids. Things people have long accepted. But I have not... ... Is it too late? Will it be too late? =X

And then a friend of mine told me... Whatever I said sounded like it came out of a movie. That perhaps everything I am doing is really just like a movie of a guy who lost his way and had a touching conclusion about what life really means... Am I thinking too much? Too dramatic perhaps? Do I need professional help?

I understand what you said... And I find myself at a loss... All these years trying to be as selfless as I could. Yet in the end I am still a selfish human. I wished people would care for me as much as I would always go the extra mile to help people before I help myself... It was selfish of me... because deep down I always hoped people would appreciate me one day and take me as a good friend too... ... Because... I was just lonely... ... and hated to be alone =X

The Silence After The Big Bad Storm That Came

Days have passed since the great storm that struck. The devastation was grave and so were its victims. But even after the storm had lifted, the decimation left behind remains... Much like the scars in the hearts and minds of those whose feelings and mentalities were so violently shaken up by the stir in the heavens.

Then there was the silence. The dreaded silence. No more laughter and talk; only weeping and sighs. I took it upon myself for creating the perfect storm which utterly destroyed something I held so dear. But it's too late now... ... I hope and pray for a miracle that will end the dreaded silence. Because the silence is disturbing. =X

I understood through wise words from a wise man: For people to understand you, you must first learn to understand others. For this time, I finally set aside what I wanted and listened closely to the silence. I tried to make sense out of why certain things had to happen, even if they wrenched my heart to shambles. I tried to wear someone else's shoes to truely understand what went wrong and what I am to do.

My heart was lost and so was my voice... I could not stop the seemingly eternal rain cloud pouring endlessly over my head. It's because it hurt yet I know. To not be selfish anymore because I need to understand what others are thinking before I wish others will understand me. =/ As much as I wanted to salvage the damage dealt out... I only see the light: Perhaps salvation was what I wanted but not the other party. So I decided to wait and be patient because that was a bitter lesson I learnt about forcing an answer when perhaps non-existed.

In days to come I foresee more tears... The rain cloud I have become, forever feeding off the empty void the storm left behind. Embracing the silence because I know I am in no position to decide. But I'll continue to follow my heart to do what I have come to accept even if it means having to face the silence that tortures my mind and dulls my hopes. It is because... I want nothing more than to do what he wants now instead of what I want... ... really really... T.T

Learning To Be Happy

For awhile now... I realize I haven truely been happy. I've lived in illusion and forgotten about a very important person in my life. That person is... me! I have been trying so hard to please people and focused too much energy on friends. I cared too much about others but forgot what it meant to actually care for myself. There are so many times... When I really wanted to laugh when things were very funny but I held back. It felt wrong to be that happy when I am facing a problem and I ask myself why I had to be so... ... ...

I missed the days when things were carefree and I only focused on my future and producing a great portfolio for myself. I had friends then... maybe not super close but they made the bits and pieces of my life complete. I always told people that things happen for a reason only to have people who heard that line fire them back at me today... shag... lols I admit I'm lost now... I've lost direction because a lot of things I believe in have collapsed and I'm no longer the pillar of strength I used to believe I will become in the future.

Deep inside I know a storm still brews from the loss of a 'best friend'. I cried and I mourned till my eyes were nearly blood red... But I guess that's enough already. Just like how I've been forcing myself not to laugh when things were funny... There's really no need to punish myself so much. One day will do! Because after that you must learn to move on. Running away is really awesome but then how long can I run away from? =X Becuz someone impt to me pointed out that... I was not naive or dumb... It was that I was ignorant and refused to face the mountain straight up. People say ignorance is bliss... but I think it's delusion.

When have I last spent money for myself? When was the last time i spent on others? I need to care about what I want more instead of trying to be everyone's best friend. But I promise myself... Never to make people a priority anymore... When I am only an option. Deep inside, I sealed a part of me away. But I hope in time to come that will remain forever buried... So just smile when you want to... because it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 muscles to slap that bitch* to get him/her to shut the fuck up! lols

Ignorance

His words were pinpoint accurate. Probably because I never thought him capable of using such vocabulary but he was right. It was never me being naive. Perhaps... just stubbornly ignorant. Because I wanted to live in my own fantasy when nothing were true from the start. 'We are best friends' and even 'We were best friends'... None of it were true and this time round compared to shunjie's time I guess I felt ready. I should have saw it coming I guess... Or maybe I always knew... Because somehow I seem cursed with these stupid feelings and behaviors...

He said I was gay. Why was I not surprised? And even though when it struck I almost thought I would die... I really didn't know what to think... I never lied because I didn't know. Where did Zhao Mian go? The one with so much drive and energy. With so much optimism. He seemed to have disappeared since last time he got hurt.

It's really not his fault. The fault is all mine. I really wish... I could go back to that time... When all was good again. And I was so strong... And proud... Of all my abilities... I promise myself now... I would listen to Corina. and this time I fucking should listen. Becuz FUCK U Zhao Mian. When will u finally learn about urself? To let it go... becuz it's something u were never meant to have... ... at all...