Guess What's This

It is a debate whether everyone needs this... We have it from young when it takes the most unexpected of faces. There was a time when our parents were our very firsts, but as we grew older we loathed them most of the time and ended up building a wall with them. We went to school and visited places and we came to know people. People from different walks of life and people with different views altogether.

In our early years, the skies were rainbows and sun shines, and outer space held infinite possibilities, at the mercy of only our creativity. We shared our dreams with each other for a better tomorrow. A time when villains always failed and justice prevailed all. It was perhaps a child's naive touch... or optimistic mind that shaped it from the very beginning... We grew up in a warm sheltered and comfortable Singapore...

Things became complicated as we continued on our own paths. Goodbyes were said and suddenly the skies no longer seem so colourful anymore. There were now occasional rain storms. But this only made life considered living. We had different views about the subject this time. But once again everyone depended on one another to look forward to the sun after the storm. =) We held on to one another and talked things out, forever facing the East where the sun we knew well will rise again the next day at that very spot. There was a time... we depended on these people we called friends because everyone was going through the same thing and understood each other's pain...

Then there was a darkened age... where we started to wonder who we were as our minds metamorphosized into mature brains. While others didn't think back to the past and wonder what it all meant there were also people that did. This would be what everybody would be saying: Think too much...

From love it grew and from loneliness it was needed. Some say they need it more than others while others may find it a waste of time and energy. It was not a matter of independence or dependency. Because two sides to every coin... when there was love, there was jealousy. When there were smiles there were also frowns. =/ It was like a plant. Easy to get but hard to maintain. Because to raise a good pot of plant, we needed a constant supply of sunlight and water as well as a occasional addition of fertilizer...

We faced it... rather I faced it. People my age no longer really need it any more, as do I admit it. We are all too busy about everything else. The pureness or hearts we used to have are no longer. Empty promises and feelings... Best it be let go. Not to fully release it... But maybe to consider playing it as a second fiddle~

The Truth

I wanted to tell people the truth but something held me back. It was the fear inside of not being accepted and probably ending up as a public menace. Why should I burst the pretty bubble for people when now they see a beautiful illusion? =S Perhaps things would be better that way. I aren't completely lying to them =X I am just not showing my real side.

I truely am sincere about everything I do and treat the people around me. But people need to know that I'm not always what I appear to be. It has been a real struggle fighting with the other person inside me. Fighting so hard to come out. I'm not all sunshine and rainbows and oh let's not forget the fanciful unicorn... ... Inside rages a swirling chunk of dark clouds; and emoish and depressing self~

I'm fighting that part... A fight between dark and light, as dramatic as that may sound. But who doesn't face this everyday? =S I wished people to know when I am really upset, heartbroken, disappointed and just plain emo =/ I hated to be alone because I hated to feel lonely =X Alas, I wondered if I wanted attention too =////

Truth be told... I'm afraid people won't want to be friends with me anymore if they knew I had such depressing thoughts~~ But then I ask myself everyday whether putting up a facade is the way to do it... I could have 'friends' but not people who truely know who I am and accept who I am... and if that's the case: Do I even remotely have a single friend now? I know though... I will never be a part~~~

I'm Standing Right Here

Suddenly the year just seems to have passed so quickly. In less than a month's time it will be 2012 and at last we shall see if the Earth truely meets the apocalypse as foretold. In due honesty, I pray that it doesn't just end in some fiery explosion. I still have so much to live for and so much I want to accomplish and I refuse to just drop dead when I still see so much in front of me waiting to be grasped.

I think I became stronger =X After all the ordeals and all the things that had happened this year. My heart and spirit froze over many a times, but I guess in doing so also hardened everything. I wanted an iron will from the start. A spirit unbending and unyielding to even the greatest of corruption, because in life I long for purity in the darkness.

It's kind of funny really that when I look back at a lot of the things which I considered painful they suddenly seem so meaningless now... I once told a friend that I felt really ashamed that I do not have any ambition to work towards yet =/ But that friend told me that it was nothing to be shameful about because probably no one knows exactly what they want in life. Life is big and all about making the trials and errors.

Until now, I'm still a person stuck in the middle of a huge ocean with no sight of land. However, my passion burns vigorously however, and I am filled with hope. Fortune tellers predicted that I would be blessed and protected by the lucky stars when I was still young. I got to admit that thus far, I have experienced a great deal of fortune and luck. However, I also attribute it to the fact that I have done nothing bad and always try to do good. So it could all be just my good karma haha.

Right now. Right here. I am standing right here, where I am supposed to be. I am really not sure if there is really such a thing as fate that ties us down to our destiny, for I truely hate the fact if we are living the lives of people held by puppet strings that are controlled by an invisible hand. I take pride in everything single thing I do. So no one can ever deny one thing about me: half-hearted efforts. For all I do is always as a whole with my heart and soul~

Green Sprigs

Everything felt like a dream... ... A torturous nightmare and then an ignorant fantasy~ Time healed all wounds as expected, but it also felt so unexpected. I know it sounds ironic. It's just that... When I was going through those trials I swore I would forever be cursed and condemned, but now that time and space has created solace things don't seem half as bad anymore.

The raging sea in my heart had calmed and so has my thoughts. My brain is once again fixed on winning and becoming the best in everything I do... I do wonder... when life will throw me off track again =S After all, it is never fun to lose your way; never fun to feel so lost and helpless and never fun to be alone and be forced to keep to oneself...

I have dreams and aspirations and deep inside I want to prove to the world that I, Zhao Mian is going to make my mark in society one day. I'm going to impact lives and make a difference. Doing things just to complete them just isn't my style- going the EXTRA mile is. With that I am going to propel myself forward! I may be soft and gentle, but my will is stronger than steel and harder than diamonds. I won't conform to other people's ways of doing things. For me, there is always only one way: The Zhao Mian way!

I don't care if people think what I do is potentially bad or ineffective. For all I know, that's just the way I want to do things. I will show you all! I will show you all that my way works. Doing things differently doesn't mean it is any less effective, you'll see...

I wandered around in my own dreamworld for a time... Searching aimlessly to find myself and my confidence. I wanted to be close with people but then I came to realize how foolish I was. I desired for a fairy tale in the real world- How ironic is that? But I truely don't care anymore... Because certain things are just not meant to be and things have really gotten me sick and tired. Like a fresh young sprig emerging out of the cold earth. Exposed to the rain and the howling winds. It is a rite of passage~~~ So thou shall endure, so thy may grow strong.

I seriously should pick up horticulture...

The Great Tree

My heart found solace over the pass few days. Somehow I did not feel like replying some of my friends and I didn't really know why. Kind of makes me a selfish jerk. It always worked that I wished people would reply me and I do the exact thing I didn't wish people would do to me in the first place. My emotions have submerged and my heart seems to be at peace again.

I find that my efficiency had rose tremendously and I'm back to my usual undistracted self. It all seemed like a dream. Even though thinking about it and looking back still hurts just a little. I would say the things I did were ridiculous like the last incident. I only tell myself that I was foolish to do things that eventually drove people to the edge.

I want to be a great tree... So strong and towering in the face of the roughest of storms. Have roots that reach so deep down into the earth and branches that spread lush greenery. I want to be stronger than I am now. I want to be superman. I want to change the world so much and I desire more than anything to be somebody. I want to make an impact in other peoples' lives... ...

I still wish... ... and I wished... but that which cannot come true will remain that way... and maybe it's for the better too... It will soon be the day again... What wish will I make then? <> A sincere request from the depths of my heart... All I want is ... ... ... ... I'm sorry... I am who I am...

The Boy Who Wanted To Win

Once upon a time... There was a boy who always wanted to win. Even though everyone around him found his presence overwhelming and stressful, non resented him. To the boy being competitive and open about it was about being transparent. Because nothing mattered more than being honest to everyone and of course himself.

He charted his route since he was very young. Envisioned big houses and money in truck-loads. People admired how straight his road was. Never ever met one bad friend and never ever got betrayed once in his life up till now. He was a decent guy. Perhaps too decent for he would never betray his own morals- Though some may find this attribute irritating since doing the right thing does not always mean the easiest thing~

Nevertheless... He wanted to gain the trust and friendship of his peers. Strongly believing that by opening his own heart, others will open theirs too... This meant helping others as much as he could even when it would mean great inconvenience to himself. He was the sunshine when people were down. Always having those wild and crazy ideas... They were weird of course; they were also fun...

His friends saw him as a pillar of strength. To his competitors he was a go-getter. To those he helped he was a teacher. To those who barely knew him, he was a amiable soul. To his close friends he was a drama king and a kid that never grew up...

It was a moment of sweet triumph when he managed to be the top student in Fuhua Secondary School with his O level results. A moment of glory. Following that he came to JJC and made quite a name for himself. However... It was also in JC when things started to change and morph. The boy felt pain for once in his life... A pain he could not describe but cry and bleed... A gash in his naive spirit... But also a rite of passage... For he finally saw... A glimpse of what life was really like...

To Be Continued...

There was a boy who always wanted to win... Because the thrill of it all gave him strength... But deep down inside he somewhat knew why it had to be this way... Because he wanted to be someone great just so... he could have some friends; just so he wouldn't feel so small in this big big world... He merely wanted acceptance... for he feared he would be lonely on this long, straight road~~~

Colouring Pages

The way we see the world is just like going through a colouring book. I used to adore those when I was young. I would pester my mum to buy them for me and I would spend endless hours just colouring the pages of the colouring book. To me at that time, the white patches held infinite possibilities. The sky could be orange and the sea a brilliant scarlet~~~

Times changed though...

Our hearts and minds were like those colouring pages back then. When we were still young everything we saw were in black and white. We formed our own colouring pages of the world. We experience things and we feel things... Eventually our eyes widened and so did the weight of reality lay heavily on our backs. We coloured our own lives based on what we think was right; we coloured our own world from the inside which decided how we would lead ourselves...

But we always knew deep down in our hearts. The sky is never orange, pink or scarlet but blue. We have something called science to back that up and we can be ignorant and adamant that the sky is orange, but that will only make me a nutcase... I have come to realize now that I can't resist the flow of things. I can't change the ebbs of time; I can't weave something different into reality as things are already cast into stone...

I only wonder why I really wanted to be something different and do things against the World. I should fucking just conform as others have too... I don't want to be so weak =/ Because this World don't accept weaklings... =X Evolution would have us dictate the survival of the fittest. People have told me to not say needless things and for a moment I was shocked and hurt, but I soon come back to reality and tell myself... that's life. That no one cares about you... because everyone should be caring about themselves...

I ventured down a road of pain only to find myself lost and wandered back to the threshold where it all started. 5 months of my life passed and then we met and things suddenly seemed no different from then. I could forget everything and treat it as those 5 months were a dream I yearned for and hoped to have... Perhaps that would be better for you as it will be for myself =//

I do feel left out and alone, drenched in the rain... Because sometimes I wished hard for the bad things that happened to return just so I can have the good too... ... stubbornly ignorant... ... I know T.T

Homing Beacon

How am I feeling nowadays? Feel like I've been washed out at sea... ... Busy and tired; lost and hurt. I know now that I am going to let go of things because I desire to be a better person and a better friend, so I am going to make a wish come true. It pains me to no end inside... But sometimes when you think about it... There is really no point in trying so hard when the result would only bring great unhappiness...

If only shooting stars existed so that I may make a wish of my own. I could pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. But that's ignorance... So I swayed and turned with the waves of the open ocean... Drifting afloat and letting the current bring me through to the next location...

I realized that as I grew up that this world is harder and harder to live. I've always known that life was not a bed of roses, but who knows how hard it is to go through it. I see myself 10 years ago and can't help feeling how much things have changed. But more importantly the fact that things had always been this way. It's also not the cliche saying that I changed... It is just that I am finally seeing this world with my own two eyes and feeling things with my own heart for once.

I've left the shelter and embrace of my friends... From now on wards... people will strive to carry their lives to the next chapter and I am just a passenger on their bus rides to success. We all needed each other and depended on each other when we were learning and growing up. But now that we have grown up everyone is spreading their wings and thinking of themselves for once- because there is only this one shot at life!

People don't care about feelings in the working world. All they care about is productivity and whether you will be a liability. Yet I resist this with the core of my soul and the essence of my will. Should i conform to this reality? Have I not seen enough with my own two eyes to know by now that my philosophy is a mere idealistic perception. Because I care about how everybody feels... It's either I haven't matured and is still reluctant to fly or I have chosen to try to do things my own way and make a name for myself...

I'm fed up with all this nonsense that life throws at me. I know everyone is going through the same thing but I can't conform because I don't feel right. I want to be somebody! I don't want to be a weakling who always just listens to people and follow orders. I want to do things my way where the basis of everything is the trust and the happiness of everyone... Honesty I hate getting hurt so many times because the feelings are real even though people around me diminish them...

I am alone at work because I've chosen to build a barrier around myself. I cannot depend on anybody to help me out when I am in trouble. I was thrown into the lion's den and forced to keep myself alive; I was thrown into the huge and vast ocean where I struggle to stay afloat day in and day out. Being sentimental and emotional is not a weakness... It is being truthful to how i feel and I can NEVER betray my own feelings...

I wish... I were a firefly... With a tail glow so alluring... To guide people to a new perspective... I want to do things differently where I can apply them... But for now I emit my faint glowing shimmer of hope for a better world... wishing to find a beacon to home to in this darkness... Because I hunger for purpose and I am trying and thinking really deeply... What exactly is my meaning in life? =///

The Mountain, the Poker Face & Fears

Recently I am beginning to have clarity of thoughts... My emotions are still as overwhelming as ever and I cannot stop this. However what I do have control over now is whether or not all these powerful emotions are channeled into actions. I see no logic or sense in whatever I feel like doing. Because I ask myself... What's the point of letting these powerful emotions make me do what I feel like doing? Ultimately what I feel like doing will only lead to utter chaos.

So I put on a mask... ... Told myself that if I think everything is alright then it will be alright... But problems just don't work that way. They cling on to you and sap you dry when you least expected. I really wished I had some company which I desperately tried to seek over the long weekends... Part of me had already accepted the fact as part of my daily life. I'm disappointed... that's true... But I also blame myself for it...

Right now... I'm drowning in an open ocean. My heart is in a mess and my mind is in a whirlpool. My soul seeks for purpose because I am lost in my own values and philosophies... I lack direction and I lack drive... And to top it all off... My work is starting to kill me when I least expected. =/

HELP! HELP! I know I don't say it out when I am drowning in my work. But the truth is I am so damn stressed out that I fear going to work itself. I can't even sleep properly with the constant voice inside that is constantly reminding me of the outstanding works and what I have not done... =X I can be on pm shift but to me my only solution is like going in early or I'll die... ... I feel like breaking down and crying... and at the same time... my heart is still suffering grave injury...

Acidity

What the hell is wrong with me? =/// I hate it so much... I really hate it so very very much... I scream inside and I feel like struggling on my own bed under a blanket and just scream because I am so angry inside... It's all so sour... It stings me so bad, and I told myself I won't care about this anymore... Yet I can't stop... Why does it have to be so deadly sour that it causes so much torture.

T.T I really really really... Wish it was on myself instead... But I am so dead jealous and feel so left out... It's so acidic and sour... And I can do nothing but howl and scream because of all the pain and whirlpool of mixed emotions stirring... Someone will you please save me? =X

The Bubble Dream

When was the last time I blew bubbles? When I was still a child and would go downstairs to buy a bottle and blow the bubbles outside my home corridor... Those were the times when life was carefree... Beautiful and peaceful like the bubbly world I created for myself... I held my mum's hand and listened to my parents... Friends were as pure as the driven snow. When everybody told each other: 'We'll be best friends forever' and fight over the smallest thing and say: 'Don't friend you liao'

But we all grew up... and then we realized how fortunate being small was... People say the grass is always greener on the other side. We turn back now and see our life flash back like a film without sound... Some memories bring tears of nostalgia be it happy or sad... If only we could all go back to the times when there was not much to worry or fret about. And then we could blow bubbles all day...

But we all grew up... Sometimes without ourselves knowing. We evolved because when we were small the world seemed so big... But even after being bigger the world seems bigger than ever... I learnt that the world will always be against you, and whatever happens it will always be 'Me Against The World'. The truth is I hate to be alone... ... But like the beautiful bubbles so dreamy but brittle... It is all but a dream... ... I wish I never woke up from...

Red As Saga Seeds & A Heartfelt Gratitude

All the time, I wonder does explaining really do anything? Just accept things for what they are. If I did something wrong then there's nothing I say that will change what is past tense. So... then when people label you or when you become a disappointment what words will salvage a fact? Such a waste attempt to make yourself feel better by justifying for your failures... Ultimately it's just pretty sad that nothing can change things have gone.

And I don't know... Whether what I am saying now is relating to which matter because they suddenly seem linked...

Whatever I say. Be it I tried my best or thought I could have done thing some other way, people won't know. I know... But so what if I know? =X I felt like screaming a reason why I was such a letdown today but I held it in, because at that one point in time when I was about to vocalize my inner feelings I come to realize... I made a choice before so now I answer... And that was why I ate humble pie and swallowed my pride... Said in a sorry tone because I felt deeply apologetic... 'I'm sorry but I really don't know and I don't want to bluff you...'

I picked saga seeds on sudong today because my mum wanted them to give to her friend. As I was picking those tiny red seeds scattered all over the floor I asked myself why I wanted to do so much. My hands and legs were covered with mosquito bites and my sweat kept dripping as I gathered the seeds. I could have just told my mum I was busy at work, but I opt to tell her alright...

The truth was I heard why she needed them and as much as I took a long time and hard work to gather them in the jungle, somehow I just felt like completing the job. Because I remembered a time... when I wanted to do something like that for the value of friendship... I feel no need to explain myself now... because I've learnt that saving my breath saves me from a torture from disbelief and emotional turmoil. Only I know the truth... and maybe that's enough. A gift of red saga seeds to my mum for her friend... at the same time... I presented a gift of gratitude for a spirit I once had for a very important gift as well... ...

Appealing To The Dead

How long has passed? 3 weeks, almost 4... and yet the wound is still as deep. I have come to accept by now that the world works this way and no matter how hard I try or how hard I wish... Nothing is going to change a thing. People can die and so can feelings and other things. Everything has an expiry, but not all things have a warranty. Once break, it's considered sold and you pay the price; be it time; be it heartbreaks; be it money; or other things...

The healing process is a painful one because adaptation is never easy... While some people may let go of things of the past for the new things, others maybe sentimentalists holding on to relics of the old glory. I have given up on the hopes of finding people that will understand. Like I said time and again... I can't wish for people to understand me... because for people to understand me I must first learn to understand others... Yet I really don't know... I don't know... =/// I have been trying with all my heart to understand everyone around me, and eating the pain and sh!t that comes... I don't know when is the time when... ... someone will then understand me. Because I don't want to be so selfish anymore... ='/

But... ... deep down who doesn't want someone to understand him or herself? because when the whole world is against you, which is how I feel now... Sometimes... All I wish is not an answer but just someone there... to listen with the heart; no words required at all =X

I'm appealing to something that died weeks ago... Talking to a corpse? how pathetic I am... yet being hopeful is a sin as is not letting go to something dead... Letting go in a sense that without my existence... this will be a better place perhaps...

Drip Drip Drop

Drip. Drip. Drop. I stand alone beneath a dark gloomy cloud. An unending rain that had dished out cats and dogs since it first came about. Bringing hurt and seeding negativity in my heart and mind every single day. I'm so tired... Drenched and soaked. My eyes hurt and so is my confidence. A shining hope dulls ahead and I soon come to realize how dark reality can be.

No one can understand me; No one can help me... I yearn for miracles only to find that miracles only exist in fairy tales =/ People ask me why I had to torture myself like this. He is after all just a friend. Or he is just a guy. Who cares?

I have come to realize that whatever I explain will be of no use. Because neither he nor other people will believe me too. I thought my friends would trust me but I guess I can't blame them. I whisper silent cries every single second... Because under my seemingly okay face, hides a bleeding heart and face drenched in warm and bitter tears.

Drip. Drip. Drop. When will my world see sunshine again? I dun want to cry anymore... or feel so awful... This never ending rain... I look tirelessly sky bound for a patch of blue sky in the flurry of scudding dark clouds overhead ='//

I told someone: I don't think. I know I'm not gay. But so what if I said this... would anyone believe me? Because if people believed me would they even require an explanation? Words are cheap and so is dignity. But by being myself I destroyed a best friendship. The answer to them was... Yes I am reacting a lot to JUST a friend and yes the friend is a guy. But to me... he was the first male friend I had who I really felt was a best friend to me... and that is why his friendship was so important... and also why... I can't stop the drip.drip.drop... The rain that when will end... ... ?

Nobody Knows What It's Like To Be The Bad Man

Nobody knows what it's like... to be the bad man... To be the sad man... Because all my friends probably don't care that much any more... I have been superbly depressed for a long time... =/// I feel alone with no one to talk to, and everyday when I wake up and see things and feel things they really hurt me more than anything else.

I promised that for work I will not let much of my emotions get to me. It's true I kept that promise. Because at work I don't really show much depression... But when I'm off from work... please I beg you... please just let me be sad because that's how I really feel... Nothing can help much anymore...

Deep down I cried and sometimes during normal working hours tears streak down when I am at a quiet corner. But I'm glad no one notices... I'm not one easy to handle because I am too depressed. I mourn over something lost... since the day it happened... And I realized I never stopped bleeding until today =X Because I have a feeling that... no one was there for me and neither did I have anyone I wanted to turn to when I didn't want to talk but just release a reservoir behind those eyes... =/

Shards Of Broken Glass

I have come to realize myself more now. I know my own weaknesses and my downfall. After the terrible storm hit, I look back at broken things, and I come to realize how fragile everything is. Trust and time mean nothing. Because no matter how expensive something is or how beautiful something is. It doesn't matter if they are fragile. One drop will smash everything to smitherines, and everything will no longer be the same again...

I have a thousand reasons and a thousand 'sorries' but nothing will turn back the hands of time. Nothing will restore what once was. Nothing will heal the scars. Because even if you tried your hardest to glue all the tiny pieces together into the same exact shape, the cracks can still be seen. It can never be the same again. Never ever so beautiful. You can cry and wish a tear of miracle will restore everything like in fairy tales. But I realize they don't exist.

The whole world's sincerity worth... means nothing at all~

Soon to come... I'll be going away. But you'll be going away too... Perhaps it's time feelings are sealed up in permafrost. Because I am quite sure things will never be the same again. I can choose to show how depressed I am, but that will only make you and I and everyone else around me miserable. So I'll pretend that a broken piece of glass was put back together, and be ignorant about the cracks. It will hurt me inside... But that you'll never know... Like you said bah... as pure as water. Which I explained to someone too the meaning...

Making Reality Out Of A Movie

I have been wandering about aimlessly for awhile now...

Have you ever felt like everything you believed in is challenged? Suddenly all your philosophies don't work anymore? I have been trying so hard to find answers since 3 years ago. I have questioned time and again why things happen and who am I? Because I don't know what happened somewhere in time that has caused me to change so much.

I sought the source of all my negative energy and looked forward in hopes of seeing a direction to heed. Only to realize all this time I've grown up. Because I won't forget what a respected teacher of mine once told me before in J1: Zhao Mian I am worried about you because you have yet to seen the world...

I never understood what she meant but now I do. She's right because since I was born till I had my terrible encounter in JC my road had been straight and easy. I've never been betrayed before in my life and I always got what I wanted. I cried over 99/100 because I always wished for perfection. All the things I believed in stayed true to me in the past, but that was only because I was too naive and was still a child. I forgot a very important thing: People change...

I can't find happiness anymore because so far I have only started to see things. Things which others have seen when they were still kids. Things people have long accepted. But I have not... ... Is it too late? Will it be too late? =X

And then a friend of mine told me... Whatever I said sounded like it came out of a movie. That perhaps everything I am doing is really just like a movie of a guy who lost his way and had a touching conclusion about what life really means... Am I thinking too much? Too dramatic perhaps? Do I need professional help?

I understand what you said... And I find myself at a loss... All these years trying to be as selfless as I could. Yet in the end I am still a selfish human. I wished people would care for me as much as I would always go the extra mile to help people before I help myself... It was selfish of me... because deep down I always hoped people would appreciate me one day and take me as a good friend too... ... Because... I was just lonely... ... and hated to be alone =X

The Silence After The Big Bad Storm That Came

Days have passed since the great storm that struck. The devastation was grave and so were its victims. But even after the storm had lifted, the decimation left behind remains... Much like the scars in the hearts and minds of those whose feelings and mentalities were so violently shaken up by the stir in the heavens.

Then there was the silence. The dreaded silence. No more laughter and talk; only weeping and sighs. I took it upon myself for creating the perfect storm which utterly destroyed something I held so dear. But it's too late now... ... I hope and pray for a miracle that will end the dreaded silence. Because the silence is disturbing. =X

I understood through wise words from a wise man: For people to understand you, you must first learn to understand others. For this time, I finally set aside what I wanted and listened closely to the silence. I tried to make sense out of why certain things had to happen, even if they wrenched my heart to shambles. I tried to wear someone else's shoes to truely understand what went wrong and what I am to do.

My heart was lost and so was my voice... I could not stop the seemingly eternal rain cloud pouring endlessly over my head. It's because it hurt yet I know. To not be selfish anymore because I need to understand what others are thinking before I wish others will understand me. =/ As much as I wanted to salvage the damage dealt out... I only see the light: Perhaps salvation was what I wanted but not the other party. So I decided to wait and be patient because that was a bitter lesson I learnt about forcing an answer when perhaps non-existed.

In days to come I foresee more tears... The rain cloud I have become, forever feeding off the empty void the storm left behind. Embracing the silence because I know I am in no position to decide. But I'll continue to follow my heart to do what I have come to accept even if it means having to face the silence that tortures my mind and dulls my hopes. It is because... I want nothing more than to do what he wants now instead of what I want... ... really really... T.T

Learning To Be Happy

For awhile now... I realize I haven truely been happy. I've lived in illusion and forgotten about a very important person in my life. That person is... me! I have been trying so hard to please people and focused too much energy on friends. I cared too much about others but forgot what it meant to actually care for myself. There are so many times... When I really wanted to laugh when things were very funny but I held back. It felt wrong to be that happy when I am facing a problem and I ask myself why I had to be so... ... ...

I missed the days when things were carefree and I only focused on my future and producing a great portfolio for myself. I had friends then... maybe not super close but they made the bits and pieces of my life complete. I always told people that things happen for a reason only to have people who heard that line fire them back at me today... shag... lols I admit I'm lost now... I've lost direction because a lot of things I believe in have collapsed and I'm no longer the pillar of strength I used to believe I will become in the future.

Deep inside I know a storm still brews from the loss of a 'best friend'. I cried and I mourned till my eyes were nearly blood red... But I guess that's enough already. Just like how I've been forcing myself not to laugh when things were funny... There's really no need to punish myself so much. One day will do! Because after that you must learn to move on. Running away is really awesome but then how long can I run away from? =X Becuz someone impt to me pointed out that... I was not naive or dumb... It was that I was ignorant and refused to face the mountain straight up. People say ignorance is bliss... but I think it's delusion.

When have I last spent money for myself? When was the last time i spent on others? I need to care about what I want more instead of trying to be everyone's best friend. But I promise myself... Never to make people a priority anymore... When I am only an option. Deep inside, I sealed a part of me away. But I hope in time to come that will remain forever buried... So just smile when you want to... because it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 muscles to slap that bitch* to get him/her to shut the fuck up! lols

Ignorance

His words were pinpoint accurate. Probably because I never thought him capable of using such vocabulary but he was right. It was never me being naive. Perhaps... just stubbornly ignorant. Because I wanted to live in my own fantasy when nothing were true from the start. 'We are best friends' and even 'We were best friends'... None of it were true and this time round compared to shunjie's time I guess I felt ready. I should have saw it coming I guess... Or maybe I always knew... Because somehow I seem cursed with these stupid feelings and behaviors...

He said I was gay. Why was I not surprised? And even though when it struck I almost thought I would die... I really didn't know what to think... I never lied because I didn't know. Where did Zhao Mian go? The one with so much drive and energy. With so much optimism. He seemed to have disappeared since last time he got hurt.

It's really not his fault. The fault is all mine. I really wish... I could go back to that time... When all was good again. And I was so strong... And proud... Of all my abilities... I promise myself now... I would listen to Corina. and this time I fucking should listen. Becuz FUCK U Zhao Mian. When will u finally learn about urself? To let it go... becuz it's something u were never meant to have... ... at all...

A Wish Below The Capricorn Stars

I am a Capricorn and I receive the quiet yet powerful forces from my guardian constellation every single second of my being... Sometimes, I wonder if attributes of a Capricorn are a curse: The powerful drive in life that propels me towards achieving my goals that could also backfire when concentrated on the wrong things... =X

Friends have told me time and again about my condition. But one thing I know I won't commit again... and that is to be too paranoid. Take things with a pinch of salt bah, because maybe things which are not yours are just not meant for u. Time is your enemy but also your friend. To wish for an 'arc of time' to find back lost happiness will always be just a fantasy. Would I wish to turn back time to restore a moment in time I made? I don't think I would... because... without those pasts there could be no new beginnings. Without the pain... all those years would not have been called living...

I'm living now and I wish under my Capricorn constellation-hoping my guardian stars will hear- I wish.... for nothing more but a silent reassurance of myself =X

Unbending Mantra

I dun understand sometimes... I really dun understand. I look at the world and make my views and sometimes when I share them with my friends they find me melodramatic. I wonder though. sometimes, whether they were right after all. That maybe all this while I've been making a mountain out of a molehill. Focusing too much on the small details and magnifying them with my own mind. Because in the long run, life would've been twice as easy without our brains constantly thinking too much into things.

We all meet with our downfalls, because the road to the end is filled with ups and downs. It is a winding road that sometimes bring us to where we started or maybe it even swerves to the sides and we meet with the most unexpected things in life. I won't deny... sometimes I find myself having double standards and I know deep inside I am selfish after all even though I do wish I were the selfless one that wants to help people as much as I can.

Just as now I am dealing with issues. And it sucks because I have always realised this flaw of mine: My work efficiency decreases dramatically when my emotions are at their peak. And still I remember a good friend of mine once told me: If you're going through hell, keep on going. I know... u know... I know that I won't die... That everything will turn out fine in the long run because nothing lasts forever... But it hurts you know? IT hurts because I am human and I feel the emotions gnawing away at my heart and soul... and it sucks to feel sucky... But all I can do is to recite this mantra... I wish so much... to tell someone and share...

Desert

I don't know why... because I felt so sad; I got so dashed; my hopes were shattered and I told myself it's time to accept what I refused to believe. I cry a lot over drama serials and even other daily things... but when I truely wish I could cry for this one... I only feel pain but my eyes are dry =///

Can You Hear Me?

I tried to establish something which I felt was slipping away. I wanted to give up but then I watched a show and decided that maybe I shouldn't be so rash afterall. Deep down I know that it will never happen like how I imagined because things just don't work that way for this sort of thing. Still I can't stop myself from dreaming so I'll still hang on for it's the only thing I can do now... And tonight I'm calling all astronauts, all the lonely people that the world forgot... Can you hear me? =X

Facade Of Life

It seems pretty obvious to me that whatever is happening nowadays; whatever is going through my mind is translated to my incessant instinct to blog entry after entry. Somehow I just don't feel like talking to anyone about it, and the only other way I can think of to clot the bleeding wound is to write it all out and feel better afterward...

No matter what happens we must still continue to live and to survive. Living is after all about surviving and making a name for yourself in this world where everyone is the same- everyone is merely human. Yet despite the harsh realities that we visit every single day-and sometimes things get so depressing you swear you want to just break down-we find ourselves just living it off like every normal day. Masks as I said it... A mask for every occasion; for every purpose.

I don't want to think so much so much anymore; as if engrossing in daily work is enough to make me forget... because those quiet moments are always intermittent throughout the day. I marvel at how I read other people's blogs and whatever they say seem to make so much sense and I ask myself the question: Why didn't I think of that? =X

I wonder though... with each mask after the other... What is the true face of the holder when everything seems to be just a glossy picture and a lie. This truely is the facade of life.

I Don't Think So =/

I don't think so... I think all this was just me being the one-sided fool that I've always been. This sort of thing always requires two hands to clap =/// I feel really hurt inside but tell myself to not jump to conclusions. A part of me wishes to just cry it all out or even force a confrontation though it'll definitely make things ugly...

I do feel sad... ... That's the truth. You hurt me quite a lot with the actions =X Because I only find myself keep asking the question that resonates in my mind: Why did you do that sia? =///

Like A Rose

It's a strange sort of feeling that as much busy and spirit-draining a task might be, somehow at the end of the day the end-rewards lingers like honey in the mouth. I cannot deny the truth that I find myself enjoying the entire process as much as I always deny the fact that I do. Bottomline: I can lie to everyone but never myself... But I guess I am just too proud to admit it and I think it would make me look weird too. Pride is indeed a scary sin =X

I would never have put in so much passion otherwise and expended so much energy and stay so cheerful throughout. But everything comes with a 'but', otherwise life would've been a bed of roses from he start... It's all because behind the beautiful bouquet of red luscious roses hides the intertwined maze of thorny branches.

I've flt embarrassed and ashamed of myself for a long time simply because I am a boy sailing aimlessly in a vast ocean that sees no boundaries or whatsoever to coast towards. A vast ocean as they say hides infinite possibilities, and unlimited pathways to the future, but to think it myopically and pessimistically just shows how shallow I am to dream. We are after all... all dreamers hoping to live in a fantasy of our own making.

We all have probably many years down the road... But we all know life like all things will come to an end... A nightmare which you thought you would never wake up does so; A good story or a movie does; And so does Pokemon one day when the creator is just so tired of making new pokemon lol

What I am trying to say is that even until today... Where I am standing now and breathing and thinking... I have absolutely no direction towards the future. I count and live through everyday like there's no tomorrow. Remember the things I want to keep close to my heart because I'll never know when destiny so decides that I have to move on to another world...

But perhaps... I should be more honest with myself and also be honest with everyone else... I may often appear to talk about my feelings and problems a lot... But deep down... I don't really like to talk about somethings and it feels as though a bottled coke is about to burst =/ Like a rose... Everything always appears cheery and sunshine. But just delve a little deeper sometimes... And see that ugly stems of thorns that hide behind; But that's why they support us and is thus strong- They are the experiences we have in live that keeps us strong. But do be careful... and thorns may prick too. Ouch!

A Promise To Remember

Work life so far had been quite enjoyable, and I really enjoy every bit of it, minus all the sleepy and mundane parts of course. But of course, all these wouldn't have been possible without a group of friends that make every single day so colourful and also so worthy to look forward to =) A friend did told me just a few days ago that certain things need not require that much thinking.

It will always be good to delve deeper and reflect upon yourself, but ultimately, I guess... If going deeper is going to make you sink further into a path of no return, then what use is there to do so then? Distracting myself daily with the funny and pleasant things around me. There are so many times when I feel like saying something, but hold it back because I suddenly feel like certain things; certain stories are just not meant to be said...

Alas... At the end of each day when I listen to my mp3 on the long trip home pass the quiet cemetery and through the bustling shopping malls; when I switch on my X-mini and go to sleep; when I wake up in the morning and drag myself to work... I always remember something... And I close my eyes and try to make out an image that I fear will blur in days to come...

It'll forever be a distant memory that I will not forget... But all the feelings that I have today... all those feelings I had yesterday... I wonder if they would also be translated to tomorrow? =/ Will it be that sad that things you really wish to remember at that frozen point in time fade as new memories come in... Because I really dun ever for a second want that to happen... But I'm human =X Just a HUMAN... I can only remember this many things... So I look down into the bottom of my heart and remember a promise I made...

Have you made a promise- ask yourself honestly-to yourself... ... At that point in time when you were so helpless and so hopeful at the same time yesterday?

What I've Been Feeling Since That Day

I have to be perfectly honest that I feel inferior, because everyone around me seems to be perfect looking on the outside. They have good figures and the confidence that I am sure will bring them to excel. I can always hide behind masks and protect myself. Put on a facade that people may think I am so thick skinned. But the truth of it all is I feel fugly =/

I always have this feeling that if I looked better I could do all these things. What am I to say... when it is pretty obvious how this society works: Looks appeal to the eyes of the beholder. Fact: I hate being fat... I absolutely hate being so big-sized. Because when I see my other friends, my buddy wear such nice clothes. It is as if the clothe were made for them to wear and never for someone like me =X

That is why I crave so much to change myself. I want to be confident again. Confident of my looks, my personality. It may seem dumb and foolish but also because in doing so I wish my friends might just treasure me more. I don't really care what other people is going to say anymore about what I am about to do. I only know... I only know... There is not a single person who would truely have understood how I have felt all these years... =/ Everybody has a sad story and this would probably be mine... A tale of how someone struggled with himself because he himself hates to himself...

This is going to be the greatest change in my life... and I think no matter how much it costs it will be worth it... I don't want to be fugly =////

Ice Make Rose Garden

People often don't realize it until the end of time is eminent. We walk into other peoples' lives and other people enter our own. Life is like a bus ride... We boarded our own buses when we were born. Along the way at the different junctures in our lives people board the bus. Some choose to sit faraway from your seat, while others sat near. Our mother was probably the one that sat beside us when we were young and as we grow older and go to school that became our best friends. In the future... Will our best friends still be beside us?

Maybe some of them would have changed their seats to sit with another; While some may even alight and change their bus to reach some other destination different from yours. Only god knows where this bus will take us... But I believe... When we do reach that stop where we were meant to alight we would know it instinctively...

Who are those who would ride with us till the bus reaches its terminal-I would never know... Sometimes along the way... Someone interesting enters our lives... And with the most genuine and purest of hearts we wished we could take the courage to stand up and sit with them... What if a friend told you he would be alighting 2 more stops from now? =X Would I then dare stand up and take the sit beside? There are so many things I want to say... So many things I want to do... But people all have their own destinies...

Maybe in some other juncture in life we would meet again? =/ Because from the very very beginning... I only saw a huge ice berg and I didn't cared so much as I did before... I held on to the tip with the warmest of hands and then time just scudded by... I never took an hour; a minute; a second; a moment to notice the water trickling down... Until now... When I hold on to the remnants of a huge glacial... In my hands is nothing left but a piece of ice...

I don't want to let go... But everyone knows... and I know... Very very soon this last piece of ice would have melted away in my own hands and the water seep through the grooves and gaps of my fingers. I don't... I DON'T want to see with my very own eyes... Feel with my very own hands and experience with my very own heart that which I value disappear into thin air like magic... and I DON'T ever want to forget that feeling... Even after time passes by and I grow old... ...

Alas... I look down at my hands and the remaining shard of ice berg(Once was). In the days to come when all the last remainders had melted away as will my heart and I look down on a wet pair of hands with a wet pair of eyes... I wonder if the dampness of my own two hands would have been the ice or rather a mixture of moisture contributed from a heart weeping bitter tears for a friend he could not keep... ... =/

Magnified

I was thinking to myself the other day... That perhaps things had never changed as I thought they had; What changed was my focus. A shiny precious gem is beautiful, yet, when we place a magnifying glass and start searching around for flaws we are almost bound to see the cracks and the scratches. I do wonder in knowing this what my next course of action shall be.

I only know for now... I strive to search for balance between the two extremes. I am terribly confused and lost =/ But I don't really dare to talk to people about it. Everybody has their own problems and nobody shows them. I admire people who can still put on such a strong and happy face when deep inside they're dying. I can't... =X

I'm terribly self-conscious and I yearn for a chance to change myself 360degrees starting from the outside.

It's not that I don't care... It is because I care but also know my caring will only cause more trouble, and the last thing I ever want is to lose a friend I consider dear... Someone asked me one night when I was walking up the staircase of Alpha wing: Are you sad that... ...? But I told him: A bit la... It has always been like that... When deep down I wished; and perhaps that is my own fault because I had hope to begin with. Time to do some sense making, internalizing and contexualizing of some of my buddy's wise words...

As the exclamation was followed by a thud (I remember distinctly). And then the car scudded past just like that... My heart shriveled.

Living Off Your Own Blood

I am very angry... No rather I think I am really frustrated and vex at the fact that my parents always quote the same things when we argue, and the worst thing is I can never win because I owe them my life. As much as Singapore goes by the motto: No one owes Singapore a living; Ironically I happen to owe my own parents a living.

How I wish I was more independent... Able to live without them; Able to survive. I swear one day... whether be it out of filial piety, or even all the frustration accumulated over the years I am going to make sure I repay every single thing they did for me. So that they can never use that same old line back at me. I dun EVER like to owe anyone anything. I don't want to be a reigned horse who is too afraid to defy the ringmaster.

Because as of now... I think it's true that I do live off my parents. And I can do no freaking thing to be fucking INDEPENDENT because as of now... before I embark on my journey to success I still have to live under them until I graduate from my university which is probably 4-5 years down the road. It really sucks...

And deep down I do understand why they scold me and such... and I am disappointed that I let rage take over... I am selfish because I want others to do things for me just because I thought blood was thicker than water. When the truth as it is... I realise I am the only one around be it family or friends who is actually the type of person that will go the extra mile just to make others happier even if it means I take the sh!t... ...

Words That Bring Sorrow

There are just things in the mind not meant to be said... Not because it's a secret; Not because it will surprise people; Not because it will change the way things are... It is just that because some things when spoken out and vocalized will only cause sadness. It is because everyone knows it and probably people choose not to feel it. I cut off those thoughts when they delve too deep, yet I know it exists deep inside... That is why when people question I opt to be the mute...

Is there really a right and wrong way to do things in this world? Is it really such that whatever we do is always the right thing. Is it really true that personal expression is always a show of one's individualism? Then tell me why I feel so restricted to be myself. Tell me why I am so self-conscious.

I really really fear that the same cycle will repeat again... ... Because I really want to bring it to an end... No more please...

Fate Vs Chance

Is it fate or chance? I can never decide... ...

Time always flies so fast whenever things are nearing an end. While the same time spent in between may seem mundane and painful to the receiver. I guess people only start to realize how much things actually mean to them when they are about to be lost, and time is the one thing that can never be replaced =X

The family members that we have; The friends we meet that come and go; The strangers who touch our lives; The strangers whom we touched with our life... I wonder if everything we have today is more of a compliment to chance or fate, and then I stop to ask myself whether I have a chance to change my fate.

I really hate goodbyes. Especially when the people involved mean that much to you. When deep inside you truely wish that everybody can forever be living together and interacting with each other day in and day out. But everyone knows- and I know- that friendships come and go. Our common work has brought us together. It had given us a chance to have a fateful encounter, and I am almost for certain in meeting each and everyone. Each and everyone of us change somehow because of this fateful encounter...

I wish... I wish so hard and sometimes it stings. But then a good friend of mine told me to cut off my thoughts whenever I delve too deep into them, and it has made the thought of things much more bearable. I suppose now... I leave it to fate to decide... ... To decide if we have a chance to actually be fated as friends for life... or just... colleagues =/

Silently Loud

It's been 1/4 year, 3 months and about 90 days... Still that fragment of a distant memory lingers and stabs somehwere inside where it is sore and raw. I asked myself what exactly it is that I'm feeling... But sometimes feelings are indescribable. =X In my heart sometimes I'm screaming and shedding a tear, yet, I find no real words to express, only to stay silently loud, and hoping someone would hear. =/

I told people before that individualism is a gift. Ironically, I turned out to be the greatest hypocrite of them all because I don't believe in what I say. I always find myself so different. I feel left out and lonely, but sometimes I feel I complain too much over too little. All my life, since I was born, I've been surrounded by good people who care and protect me in the most adverse of storms. I've grown up surrounded by people who I can trust; I've met all the right people at the right time... I've never ever been exposed to the darker side of the world -- Only the bright and sunny.

Even though the course is soon coming to an end... Memories linger on. I remember all the fond memories but also the unpleasant ones. Till today, they haunt me and I sustain internal injuries day in and day out. I am not a confident individual to begin with, and I really care about how other people think and care. I know... I'm not such a great person as well... Hoping always to be someone that I'm not. How I wish I were this person or that... I'm weak... period.

A Lot That Fulfilled Its Prophecy

Do you believe in lots? Believe in prophecies or even a higher power up there somewhere that already knows the route chart out for you? A lot has gone by... Flashes of memories in my head now like a film in black and white; without sound. I prayed to god when I most desperately needed a miracle, a refuge for my restless soul... It came to me in a message which I now see fit where it belongs.

I didn't achieve what I desired to achieve from the beginning, but I tell myself I should not be too greedy. Be satisfied with what I have and not to be unhappy with what I don't. It's always easy to say that to look back is to regret and to look forward should be the present. But frankly, how many of us really do that? Today is a very special day because I finally attained my IPPT silver. On the last round of my 2.4km run I thought I would die... My heart wanted to give way, yet I told myself at that waning moment... ... Even if I were to die, I MUST make it to the finishing line. Because this is no longer... about... ME.... It is no longer about pushing myself; no longer about pride; no longer about family; no longer about friends. It is because it involves a lot of people, fighting so damn hard to believe in me more than I ever did believed in myself... =X

I feel comforted by all those lights in the dark. I contemplate as to whether those are more of stress or should they be the encouragement that will make me all the more determined to succeed. I can only say... The deed is finally done. I accomplished something which I have worked for 5 months and have kept everyone waiting with me. I think I achieved this not only for myself but to everyone who believed in me and supported me. I cried on the phone when I told my mum of the good news in the morning. She had been so worried and everytime when I take my IPPT she will never forget to send me an SMS to wish me all the best even though her english is poor and I think she probably asked my sister how to translate to english from mandarin. =X

A boulder has lifted. I feel different. In some ways I no longer feel as much like the liability of the course and such. It's been a long way down this path... I still have lingering thoughts... I wonder why I still feel affected by him... And yet I dunno what word is the right one to use when I see him and I get that mysterious feeling. The only thing I know is that it's not a pleasant feeling. And one more thing... I feel... ... always had... been lonely =/// And I feel sad about it sometimes...

The Rise After The Fall

I only come to realize that my emotions are now more or less contained after the furious storm that just scudded through. The wake of the onslaught left behind a trail of destruction which I am quite sure will leave scars behind; however time moves on and it is already quite obvious that the healing process has begun. I read this article online during the weekend when I was randomly googling some stuff and it made me understand a few things about people recovering from a traumatic experience.

I learnt that one should not try to hasten the recovery process. By forcing one to 'move on' will only cause one to suppress a lot of emotions. In other words, the person will be deprived from certain feelings that are only necessary to be what it means to be human and becoming stronger afterward. No one ever rushed people to move on, because the truth as it is is that everybody has been there and done that and KNOWS that someone badly injured cannot just wake up the next day like the world is rainbow and sunshine.

To put on a facade will be detrimental. The best way is to actually find a few good friends that you trust and can confide in to share about the feelings that you are supposed to feel, because by expressing it you yourself is facing up to reality instead of avoiding the issue altogether. To confess to something unpleasant takes courage to do so. It takes courage to admit to people who you are and how you exactly feel.

I admit that nowadays... Even though feelings have more or less subsided... ... Sometimes fantasies still cross my mind and honestly that sucks to the very core. What he does I still am interested to know which I sometimes also ask myself who exactly he is to me? I mean why do I even care when I don't even really care about what other people do. Yet, if time were to reverse I also ask myself if I would try this whole friendship again knowing how things would have went and prevented it. The answer to myself was... I don't think it would have worked anyways and I don't think I would want to be good friends with him anymore then as it is now... because the hurt dished out is something I don't think I can handle again... Just as it is now... I wish we never rubbed shoulders to begin with... ... =/// I care...