Bring On The New War Order

Disgusting cells, the lament of everyone and the new face of the enemy. Tobacco used to be the enemy to the modern society, but times have changed and now we face a new threat. That's right folks, that's the picture of fat cells or to be precise adipose tissues. There is no denying that fats has it's benefits. Common functions include to solvate fat soluble vitamins,to protect many of our important organs ... ...

But I question the efficiency of our bodies or rather what god intends for our bodies from whence we first took our first steps into life. Fats are supposed to be our angels, that help us go through periods of starvation and all, but today it has mutated into a menace. Just look at all those slimming products on the market and the increasing number of gym memberships and promotions. The mere existence of corportaions that feast on our disease is sickening but strangely lucrative from their point of view.

Those pills on the market, god knows if they truely work. However I can only say that if I were a bussinessman, as horried as it may sound and it would seem logical too that we would never want to market something too effective. Highlight is on the 'too'. Because if products were so successful how do we even earn money when a one time usage would be sayonara afterward. Don't believe me? just look around you. America for instance has 1 in 3 people being obese, yet ask yourself if advertisements of slimming miracles have dwindled. face it. If products really work then no one in this world would be fat anymore, and the war on fats would be as sound as nuclear bombs dropped on japan during world war two.

The only solution to emerge triumphant over the persistent lipids is to be smart enough to notice these trends and commonplace phenomenon. After this GREAT realisation, then its time to reevaluate old methods and improvise new ones. Easier said than done, because soon it will be an even greater battle with yourself over sacrifices that HAVE to be made to achieve that ideal weight.

Bummer... If only wars on the fats and inches would be as easy as dropping a nuclear bomb. No one likes to be fat. Hate them, but can't do away with them. Punch it, kick it, cut it... Man I tell you nothing works, and that feeling of feeling so fat is awfully... AWFUL and it is no exaggeration. for now the first fires of war have sounded. A war that a lot of people face today, as do I. Geesh... let's just hope getting mad helps lose a couple of punds because I am fuming at my own fats =@. Hope people see the change in my weight after the two weeks of study 'break'. Which is purpoesly in inverted commas because it is far from a break. Call it literally make or break is more like it. haha... yea... sarcastic here... if u get what i mean

Disappointed In Myself

Counting the days to A levels with my own hands... It seems so close by, yet something in me says there's still time. Disappointed with myself, that I continue to procrastinate as I see people around me work hard and even harder... I have big dreams, but little action. And it is never that dreaming big earns big rewards... it never was that way...

I wake up every morning with that tiny excuse to myself, as with other things I have told myself to do... That to-do list always put off to tomorrow... It's never ever the day after tomorrow... but forever the day afterwards and then afterwards... I don't really know what I am doing to my life anymore or how I intend to live on...

That these past week I have just been playing the day away... and seriously i mean it, zero work at all... Nothing! Flip through or read the notes? No either... not a sentence from a single page... and I know I am getting rusty from how I think my chemistry is starting to suck... And now I see the days ahead... Just 2 weeks and so much that should have been done... I wonder if it's too late... And even later to realise it now than ever before... The evil of temptation... Really.... I rather be a hardworking chap than someone who idles around and thinks he is smart and all and that somehow things always turn out fine...

If life was a gamble... in the truest of sense, the be it 50% I plunder under it all... I wish I had the motivation of last time, and I know it's inside somewhere... I'm constantly making empty promises, but all on impulse and only it meant it at that moment I said it... But time proves it wrong... as it errodes and crumbles into dust and I just tell myself... I give up...

I wonder if in the following remaining two weeks I would say I give up... probably wouldn't but would i be deceiving myself? Because I get complacent and take it easy...

I just wanna depend on myself now... ... because I can do everything in myself... dependency is a weakness and so are lots of things... I'm absurdly jealous of dependence... but that kind of envy will never get me anything... I imagine all day things my mind create, that maybe things won't even be how i thought it up...

Tomorrow alright? I'll say ok... But I just wanna start now... no more tomorrow... I'll start this instant even though its late, just a little will do and then continue tomorrow... This way today... TODAY will finally be the NEW tomorrow...

Jealous as always...

KaBoom It Went

Usual Late late night post... Just the feeling comes at night I guess... Won't say I feel lonely, because this time I am afraid I might be delusional. Don't want to be abnormal, but don't want to be so normal too. This must be what everyone feels too. Wishing perhaps you are special when the cliche saying would be that: 'What makes you so special'? rebuttal. period.

When things go boom in your life, much like the 9/11 terrorist attack on the twin towers or the bombing of Nagasaki and Hiroshima during WW2, one thing always stays... The frantic response and a bewildered mind and never forgetting the sudden decimation of things held sacred. Time bombs are just everywhere so close to us... It makes life as though treading on thin ice, one small touch of those insidious landminds and... KABOOM!!!

So... what are the land mines in our lives? Those turning points in life when we make wrong decisions and reap the direct consequence. It's as if nuclear bomb when head down on you. The loss of life (temporal of course) and the bewilderment at that time so seemingly frozen somewhat. And who can forget the radiation burns after the onslaught: The remorse, guilt and regret that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

It is when we are bombarded that we reevaluate ourselves and mitigate future calamities. The challenge to the sanctity of life, be it ethinicity for u, or a love life, it really doesn't matter. Just gapping wounds of the heart, they recover and reseal scars. And it's never time that heals all wounds. Really it ain't... I would know if it did... Because you can have as much time as you want, but u can spend all of it moping and staying at that same spot-- defeats the purpose yea?

Yet sometimes, bombs set off in our spirits... The typical irritatedness and overwhelming vexness that possess us and make us go mad with anger for no reason. It is the hate we feel that cumulates and one fine day... just KABOOM! Be it mood swings, be it justice, be it fairness, be it hatred... ...

What I am trying to say is... bombs... what are they really? Not bombs of war, but bombs in our daily lives... Where are those land mines that are concealed in my path ahead... because I can't see them... And it is with not knowing that fear arises and when logic fails, religion suddenly becomes the great refuge of answers of the philosophical sort. I respect the buddha and confucius, but I'm starting to see the truth that the greatest refuge is perhaps of something even closer. Not yourself, that's the lame politically correct answer lol... but rather your friends...

There are so many occasions when bombs go KABOOM in myself and I wish so direly to talk to someone and I thought, why? Because it is my own problem just as I know everyone thinks that. ok, so talking goes out of the list... what next? Because bombs are so devastating, all the more I should protect myself... As the clock ticks and the time bomb ticks with it.

Be it explode or dormant we cannot deny it exists, but to look away and pretend so is just plain naive. Let bombs so myriad decorate our night skies as we awe in disgust at fireworks going off here and there... though hurtful somewhere but strangely so beautiful... those crimson-yellows in the night sky...

KABOOM it went... ... KABOOM it did so long ago... KABOOM went things that once abhored... KABOOM it still flashing in my mind like it was yesterday... As KABOOM will soon happen if I procrastinate further... I'm so sick of those landmines the stupid KABOOMS =/

A song that speaks a thousand words... whose rythmn haunts my soul... With regrets or embrace I am speechless... The song and family i've been running from... ghosts...

That Feeling Again

Feel like crying again... =/ but alas I see someone in good hands, that I am sure. Even if it is not me, doesn't matter right? Because any other person is just as qualified... ... Just memories protrude like a broken spring coil... ... Let me wash my soul today with tears...

may tmr be a better day... Value #1 I discover... I always mean it when I say I mean it... ...

What are the laws I abide by?

Finally visited the PSC scholarship website today to take a look at the essay which i am supposed to compose. It's no walk in the park or a time for facades to gain favour. I guess what the scholarship panel is looking for is a true honest and earnest voice, so I have to remember to tone down the malodrama and reach deep inside and ask myself what and how I am in life. Becuase the question this time: What are the values and beliefs you hold strongly to in life?

It is ironic, that is that such questions ever occured to me in my life even though i probably am living through one I have set innate in myself; just unconcious. I wouldn't brag about going through all problems in life. Yet, I guess I am exposed to a variety. Even problems pertaining to friendships I have went through, something which i never forsaw I would go through. Regrets nowadays for the discard of my H3. As fantasies of me going up on stage upon A levels release becomes ever lucid in my dreams. Becoming cocky perhaps... yet I wonder why but I just have this strange strong feeling that I am going to achieve all As.

Digressing as usual now... My mind is digging deep and searching frantic for answers about myself. sometimes I find myself an incredibly selfish person and also very evil, while other times I seem to tone down. And now I ask myself what I have lived by for this 18 years of my life. Those values I hold dear and expect of myself and people. and the crux of it all... in this haze... my personal philosophy that is truely mine and no one elses.

A voice that speaks louder than a crowd. something out of the norm yet neither dramaticised nor pretentious. If I were to say I believe in equivalent exchange I would be lying to myself. Because the world as we see it as I have seen myself is never fair. What about that of the survival of the fittest? Such eugenics, I might as well proclaim myself the next adolf hitler =.=.

It takes time to explore and indulge in your inner being. Going to take the time off to find out the answer for myself. Going to ask for some help too, but ultimately I know the real answer lies deep in thyself. To the senseless world now, I seek ambition in everything I seek. I search for answers in a moral maze and question my ethics. The degradation of core philosophy and hints of radicalism. Lets make something impressive =)

My GP is improving and my human geog seems to miraculousy become good. Hurray ^^V Thanks Ms Huang, Ms Zhou, Dr Gan, Ms Goh and Mrs Joey Tan. And somehow I rmb and hold fondly I feel I thank you too Mdm Sim...

A Dream

Sleep has obviously dulled my senses. Its 0145 now... Probably half of Singapore is asleep now. But I'm stoning. Wondering what to do tomorrow and the days to come, suddenly it feels as though life is so stale, or perhaps that we just dun push forward. Spent the day watching GP movies as borrowed from Ms Huang. Got me thinking for a long time afterward. And that was just the aftershock. The intial shock was appalling! That Osama was once funded by the American CIA, the funding of so many conflicts by the US, the Columbine highschool massacre, the gun culture in US and the shocking truth that Canadians dun lock their doors!!! It's rather information overload. But nontheless I feel intrigued and excited to research more about these and find out how applicable they are to Singapore and discuss it with Ms Huang. Sort of can't wait haha.

Thoughts of the scenes of the documentary still run through my mind. But whatever the case, it will be a long day tomorrow. No more maple for me at least until I have the time to afford it =/ Work is in order, well, at least I finished chemistry weekend homework today.

Alright, enough of my own boring life today. Suddenly just have this recurring thought in my mind pertaining to dreams. I have a dream (ya I know it's so Martin Luther king -.-''), and that is not to say I am the only one with dreams. Everyone has them, and I can bet a million that everyone my age probably have that same dream as me now. I have a dream, but where does dreams play to second nature? I have a dream and it doesn't make me or anyone ever more special. It is commonplace example and ubiquitous phenomenon.

But i wonder if in seeing our dreams and projecting ourselves into it. Whether if we should define our visions logically and discard all emotional definitions. Then maybe it would be truely realistic and attainable. But what's the challenge with something attainable. Humans have long conquered great barriers, just as how rockets and aerospace technology has transcend the boundaries of our atmosphere into ink black outer space. It is as logical as how games are fun when they pose a challenge to our 'skills'.

Although people can laugh at others people dreams, do we laugh at ourselves sometimes? Is it naivity we see in our remaining child-like wonder or is it the fact that we feel foolish lying to ourselves. Laugh all they want, I am keeping them. But as I know many will have this same stand, how many are really willing to keep it and not be guilty of a double standard. I just think to myself that GP class for me now always the teacher marks work on the spot and selects a few 'lucky' people to show on the screen, that how truely lucky they are without the inverted commas. getting our work marked is a good thing right? But why? Why dun anyone volunteer?

It is as logical as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west that we are afraid of criticism and the always ever-green excuse to other people and most APPALLING* to ourselves is that 'I think I did a bad job, so I shouldn't show it'. I was once such a person but today I volunteered. Turned out okay i guess. Because at least the AQ which the teacher grade passed haha. Well, even if I failed i was prepared. becuz what's there to be ashamed off when everyone says that we should stand by our own dreams when no one will.

I have a dream i will one day walk the stage. that I will return to JJ one day with glory and pride and with a new stride in my footing. I think about what dr Gan said about ambition and how I am unambitious. I always thought I were. But reflecting upon myself... i gradually find myself skewing towards her side. To change? it is not an option. I need to stretch my limits and do things that will make me go: ' GOD!!! I am dying' and mean it.

To ambition is to have a crazy dream. To step out of the comfort zone and take criticisms with an open heart. To face your fear is through everything you are running from. Hence, to reach a dream you have to sleep haha... So i think i going to sleep now lol...

One more thought lingers though... for a long time... =/

I wonder if... I shld leave Singapore to go somewhere else for uni... ... ...

Once In a Blue Moon

Long time since i updated... So much time has passed. Mid-Autumn festival is behind us and A levels is that much closer from today. Starting to feel that weird tingling sensation in my head as if I had gone mad... Start having these intense cravings to study. I must be going bonkers. But then again it's good sign as I slowly emerge from my 'drug addictions' and start to move on, leaving what was history behind me.

From start of the year I have been procrastinating and always finding this miracle formula to success... Debated with my GP teacher for secret techniques to smoke my way through and spending at least three quarters of my J2 life in a messy friendship and never ending drama. But haha... eating my own words now from not so long ago... I guess the search for my answers just brings me back to the point from whence i started. It's ground zero for me, while other probably somewhere above.

A nice saying I often use now. To ascend one must first hit rock bottom. I guess I must be somewhere there because I am starting to see improvement at long last. I was a crazed believer to aspire to be a renegade. as if defying laws would get me further it has only hindered me all the way. Surly as it may sound. I guess dreams are meant to truely crash and burn as I see some people's just disintegrated in a puff of smoke. Seeing anxiety in others, I also start to worry about myself and the future.

Things need to be done, and of course the never ending journey to understand myself and who I truely am. Not going to be malodrama, just going to do it the old fashion way. and that is to work hard like everyone else is. As someone told me a day before the mid-autumn festival about this legend of making a wish to the full moon would definitely come true. Many admire the moon on this night but no one actually knows that wishes come true though. Skeptical of course... But i guess the first step to success is to open to all chances. Even if it means luck willl just ensure success by one more percent.

Jovial feelings of empowerment from general paper as I start to see improvement and also I myself feel that much proer lol with more general knowledge. Alas I finally start reading content, something which i swore I would never do since J1. Problems are still frayed ends, and I guess its time to burn those ends up and get to things like a nail on the head.

My only dream now is to my obligations. and my obligations are foolhardy and naive. Because to wish for something truely meaningful. I guess I was greedy haha. Wishing to the moon that night with all my innate powers(incase I had) that I, zm, will dominate the playing field and be the best of the best in JJC and Singapore. I guess its old times again... even if knowing standing up you'll fall down... I can't face the ground forever right?

and with that one last wish before I dozed off in bed. If the moon spirit hears... I make my secret special wish... but nah... its not to get back some fren or anything... but for now... let's keep it to myself... Only time will tell... ...

Once in a blue moon, i wished upon a full moon hoping my wishes would come full bloom and soon...