Coming to an end...

I was asking someone a few days ago... what it means to grow up, and then when we grow up do we change? whether that change was innate or shaped by the environment. I have been experiencing negative changes in myself... At the end of the day when all the mood swings fade away as quickly as they arrived, I start to feel disgusted at myself and wonder if I am wrong to blame these changes in myself on that 'incident' that still haunts me till this day. I fear with my greatest of fears perhaps this is the real me. Because when I look at my mum and my dad. It seems I inherited non of their character traits. But nowadays I see my father's violent nature start to appear in me and I hate it...


I start to see my capricorn self start to diminish as my moon sign gemini starts to take over. Maybe it seems funny, but then I start to fear interactions with people as much as I fear myself. I'm so afraid I will explode on someone, and then I ask myself if hanging out with people how many masks have I put on anyways... it all boils down towards the end I guess... I am anti-social and this is a fact. I start to wonder seriously you know... If I am slightly neurotic, because I am so bad at human interactions.


I see F3 and I asked myself how on Earth I managed to join them when I am so much a black sheep in that group of people. I am not bubbly, not a social butterfly, shy and quiet, and saddest thing is I realise I dun really play unless that play is some kind of work like a project or something. I suppose I'm destined to be a loner, but I'm not gonna complain about that, because ppl will just say its my own choice and I face up to that. I'm changing... I feel it and see it. I no longer like to talk to people about things. I keep everything to myself and prefer to give ppl the cold shoulders.


I'm afraid to get into a strong frenship. I am afraid to have a bgr. I'm afraid of change. Just suddenly wanted to be left all alone and wish people dun talk to me at all. I feel this wintry frost of loneliness and some weird sensation but sort of find that to my liking. I guess I'm meant to be solitudinal or at least that's my character. until then what I keep to be once golden friends, I start to ponder as well. feelings waver and I have this urge to just stray away from everyone and maybe with time these golden frens will forget me as much as I want to forget them. But then again... I think I'm thinking too highly again of myself. Who cares about me anyways? For ppl studies probably is number 1 because their future is at stake. It's natural you know. People have priorities and I guess my priorities are different then...


Gaining weight is not helping one bit as it makes me wanna coop myself at home all day. Being fat is an embarassment and I am too embarassed to go workout and stuff. I know this sounds pathetic... =/ Because ppl surely will scold and say to accomplis something you must make the first step. And then again... I dun think people understand. I mean OMG take a look around me and I quickly realise I am the only person having this problem so how can I imagine people to understand. Perhaps they do u know... But I can't understand... =///

Dun even really think people visit this blog anymore. I think I'm gonna delete it for good. Neither do I think I wanna see other people's blogs le bah... Becuz reading them though doesn't sting as much as attacks from the past still hurt to have a flash of the past, feeling at the present and then a thought of the future... A trip to Malaysia... Tried my luck and to my surprise I could still make it... But I start to feel colder and colder and somehow drifted... Sounds sad... I feel so... But actually enjoy this sad feeling. At least it cleans my guilt and my remorse and my feeling of uselessness and unmotivated...

I wanna work hard for that Malaysia trip. Becuz... ... I dun want people to see me as a failure as much as I feel so that way... I wanna be a quiet soul and lonely... With fear I'm wary of my actions and emotions. I no longer enjoy human interactions like last time. Neither do I like sharing thought with people, feelings too unless really wanna explode. Starting to enjoy the company of that presence in my room... It should know me the most... seeing me go through everything silently... I guess silence needs no expression, Just the way I like it...

Dream Field

If one studies colour therapy or the biology of the human eye, then one will definitely easily identify purple and green as the most soothing colours of the visible spectrum, being that green light is the only wavelength that our retina needs no adjustment to see. And then again there's purple, the colour of luxury and calm. Psychologists say lovers of the colour purple are likely to be lazy, idealistic and different from other people in their thinking. Wonder how true is that? as i start to think back which of my friends are purple freaks.

Green is the colour of life. The colour of nature in its most lush and the symbolism of fertility and holy energies. It is intermediate between the yellow of the sun giving life to the crystal blue of our oceans and lakes. Green is internationally associated with healing, peace and vegetation. Lovers of the colour green are peaceful, quiet and careful, and are more often males than females. curiously though... studies show that more guys like purple than girls. lol

And then there is the oxymoronic interpretation of green. In chinese old wives tales we hear stories of ghosts appearing in a green puff of smoke, and in western cultures green is also commonly used to label toxic substances. Green for one is also the colour of poison and immaturity. It is no wonder we call green fruits unripe and a newcomer a greenhorn. More infamously I'm sure everyone has heard the saying 'green with envy'.

A lesson in colour is important to understand our psychology and other's too. Color therapy theory certainy sounds awkward to me... I mean they actually say exposure to light of certain wavelengths of colour will have impacts on cellular activity. Well I only have one thing to say... I am no plant and neither do I have photosynthetic pigments. So I wonder how on earth I will be affected by incident light... lol But I do believe this... The fact that colour affects our moods and the reason is because colours symbolise things we know. I say yellow and one quickly associates that to happiness. there is no argument there.

Dreams in colour... I'm starting to have new outlooks on the effect of colours in dreams. I'm a fan of the colour green and I find those descriptions of green lovers apt. including sayings of 'green with envy'... ... I wonder... if in my dreams I will see those colours reputably therapeutic... or is it just so fast paced in dreams as it is in real life... I nag and complain as time goes by and I am crammed with work. yet when times to take a break comes... I quickly find myself dreading the boredom...

A lavendar field... a lovely contrast of purple and green... I wonder if in my whole life I will ever see something so beautiful... I close my eyes and I imagine... This steep mountain range set in the background with snow capped apexes. The Sun so gently obscured by the tall rocky peaks. And in the fore ground this vast vast field of purple flowers in a sea of thin green leaves that sway in the incoming breezes. Grabbing a jacket people get out of their homes to see those lovely fields so majestic in the pinkish glow of the evening sunset. Chilling dry winds from the mountains scud ever so silently bringing with it a waft of floral and soothing fragrance. It's nature's aromatherapy at work... ... ... ...

Christmas's coming soon... And suddenly I wonder... If i'll see snow in Singapore... Not the white fluffy snowballs of the northern and southern latitudes, but the raging blizzards that surge ever so frequently in everyone's heart this coming season... I feel bored... =/

A Late Early Discovery

I realised something today. Perhaps I'm slow, because i highly doubt there will be someone like me who just discovered this thing. It was true coincidence, a rather distasteful one that I suddenly come to realise that humans are social animals. I knew this from the start, I mean who doesn't? The thing I never really took notice of was the definition of 'social'. What is 'social' exactly? A group of people right? But what about the size of the social circle?

I think I have an answer for that after quarreling with my dad over something stupid. The answer is one is enough. What empowers us exactly? I realise it is support from the people will love and care for. Be it frens, family or something else altogether. I'm sure everyone has that experience of saying to yourself... at least die I wish u die with me. If someone were to think ur idea is good u feel empowered. And when people jeer at it... U feel discouraged though maybe not to the extent give up, just a wee bit less confident.

Nontheless... what am i trying to say? =S It is through quarrel, my dad was left alone. because me and my sis would oppose him. So everone ignores him, and give him the cold shoulders. but then my mum even though think my dad is like that de cannot change still like dun give him cold shoulders like us so he continues to feel he is right. Even though is there even a right? What may seem right to me, perhaps in his eyes he is more right than left itself.lol

But haha... discovery for the day that as long as you have a single person who sticks by you. even if the whole world hates you, I think it wouldn't be that bad. ask those lover birds around you, ask the parents you have and you'll soon realise all it needs is a bit of trust that is worth a thousand grand and more. i'm not saying all we need to do is to find that one fren in ur life or lover for all eternity. Just stating a fact from my very narrow and shallow observation that with just a single support there is great empowerment.

Even if I hate someone with all my heart or the opposite. Even if I curse someone till the day I die or wish so hard till the day I dread the wishful thinking... Nothing will change... only me. And I will then have to bear the resentment and the unpleasant aura that I so willingly put on myself... Only to see the subject of hate or disbelief go happy and blissful far from anything else. Unless someone can make the WHOLE world turn against someone... then I'll say that person is doom. Otherwise... now I am hesitant to say those worlds... Hate forever, love forever and so on and so forth... ... Forever does exist. That's the big correction to all those presumptuous people who keep saying forever exists in fairytales. It exists for yourself and that's a fact. Just dun ever expect your forever to exist for that someone else...

Lights Out

I wonder if anyone remembers this picture... it's late in the night again... And somehow I saw something which brings back memories... Some documents in the computer I guess I shldn't open again because it evokes a tidal wave of emotions. Feel sucky now. Even the lights in my room got spoilt and now I'm typing in the dark... =/

I just start to see so many things when times have ended... what could have been and would have been... But now no more. Would it make myself or anyone else feel just a little better if I said it's my fault? It weighs heavily down on my masquerading heart, whenever I see such things that make me remember wounds so deep...

I wonder if this would be one of those nights I would cry to sleep again... It's been a week since it happened, but haha feel kinda funny now. Feel overwhelming feelings getting barracaded from exploding out. Like a whirpool in the middle of a huge reservoir whose walls now look shakey and frail. Perhaps I shld destroy everything that will make me remember... yet everytime I can't bring myself to delete them or chuck them away...

The truth still lies... I wish for the impossible. Though I know pretty well... everyone has got their lives going on. I'm not the worst case i know. Neither am I worth pity becuz so many others haven probably gone through what I've been through and survived. And of course I agree that i won't die... physicallly that is... but I died, a part of me inside which made me change my whole perception of the world. You know... The world is a selfish place. It's as realistic as you think. No rather... it is more realistic than you think. as much as we call humans sophisticated and a notch above the beasts, we are no different in our behavior. it's survival of the fittest in this perilous worlds, where wolves are masquerading sheeps in the flock, and people around you make you feel like that black sheep in the sea of snowy white.

I shld be selfish and less willing to help in any way I can. For one, not everybody will appreciate it, and two becuz it is foolish to do so at my own expense. I like to brag, that's a fact. I hate to lose, that's a fact of all facts. and as I type this post, this provocative posting, i feel a rushing sense of nostalgia and anger welling inside...

I won't deny the thing I feel now... I feel like crying... ... But I dun want to have pimples, as tears on the face can cause pimples... =/// I'll hold it in for as long as I can, yet it seems futile... To control yourself is a reign on a wild horse... i wonder... why ppl fight if they know they are going to lose... ... sadded... may tears wet our pillows tonight... =(

A Jar of Wishes

A week of A Levels have officially passed... Got to admit though that it wasn't easy, and the fact that I feel extremely guilty that I studied so little as compared to what I did for my O levels. It's the laxing period of A levels now, and I guess this is really the time I should start thinking about some stuff which I have been putting away since long ago.

There's this strange feeling I have, Just have this super good feeling that I am going to ace all my A lvel subjects. But hmmm... imagination? =S I mean, there's no basis for me to make an accurate prediction, yet I feel so confident of myself I sound like a bag of wind zzzz All talk, no results... =/ Chem, Geog and Math I am all quite sure I am going to get an A. GP I am quite pleased this time, so that I shall leave to luck and fate to decide. But alright... I guess that's all I'm going to talk about the A levels. just hope so bad that I am going to be JJC next top scholar.
(fingers crossed >.<)

Recently I signed up for this teacher attachment programme, whose targeted audience was to the primary school kids. signed up mainly because I sort of wanted a taste in the education career path, and also because it was not a 'sure get in when u sign up thing', so tried my luck. And to my surprise MOE ppl actually called me up and asked me if I would instead like to be posted to a sec school or jc o.O so thought about it over the weekends... and now i say my answer is... I want to be posted to a jc. True, I am like about the same age as my students if like that =.= but then, JC classroom management is easier, and I like jc sub better since they are narrower but deeper, not like sec school is wider but shallower. I like deeper things -o-o-

So i guess my holiday job is roughly set. $65 dollars a day haha, sounds good and my NS starts in april so i still have lots and lots of time to earn some $$$ and build up my resume which I am actively working on now. To all my friends out there whom I haven spoken for a long time, I wish you guys all the best for a lvls. Seriously it's not how much we talk about or if we interact. And frankly I am angry with one of my friends now. But still I know they are my friends, just angry that's all...

As A lvls, draw to a close, I guess I start to see my own JC life flashed pass me. to my greatest regret was to nvr have taken H3, when i had he chance. yet in JJC, I lived part of my interesting time of my life. I found something I always wanted to look for, got heartache of the sort i nvr thought i would get, and brought with me a valuable lesson inscribed on my bleeding personna.

The thing about the jar of stars... It just seems so familiar. And as I fold each one with a thought in mind, I remember a door that was opened. I am a boy who gave up his religion, when he stopped beliving in god or buddha or whatever u call it for chinese ppl... Because ppl usually only find themselves looking to the higher plane when they are in need, but nvr when they are fine and happy. It seems so absurd to me that it is only when despearation do we seek refuge in the shadow of god's will, and that's just so sad for god, because ppl only turn to him when there is nothing else to turn to, or when things need... a miracle.

Fate is a powerful thing I assure. As I spend nights sometimes feeling the hurt from my scarred heart and crying out everything held within, I just start to see... How it was nvr anyone's fault in anything, just fate working its way into any opportunity it gets to ruin everything. I want to fold finish this meaningful jar of stars, becuz with each star I implant a memory, and as white as christmas is about to come... May god if he truely exists... show me one last sign...

It'll nvr happen again... ... ... ... =///

9th November

9th November, what a day it brings so much feelings into me... A levels in less than a week... But then suddenly I find myself thinking about something else and the symbolism of 9th Nov and its amazing coincidence... Rammaged through old memories today to find pictures and objects- artefacts of an extinct story- that tell stories of a thousand tears and anguish.

9th November is a day for movies. A time for people grab some friends along and catch that latest movie. Chill out and talk all aboutt he movie after the flick. A horror show would be most apt or even a thriller. Wish I could catch a horror movie on 9th Nov, but unfortunately it is the onset of the A levels and no one will accompany me to watch too =/

9th November is a magical day for telling someone you are not so close with a secret. Tell people of your woes and doubt and sought answers in the most unlikely of people. Because through people u don't know can u get new perspectives that are unbiased. And certain things require a third party to see the bickering two.

9th November is a day when people ps u in all sorts of things. Because that's how people are. No one owes you anything, and you have no control over another's actions. But those that turn up are definitely those you want to treasure and value.

9th November a day I saw from one year ago as a day for celebration... 9th November is a dark day. With its gloomy dark cloud looming ever so close by. Perhaps I am being too emotional, hence getting emotionally clouded than logical... But believe me... I say... to me 9th November's most important event is not the geography paper... for me... it's a day for mourning... ...

I see an orange and a brown. And kept the brown for almost a year, hoping to give the brown to u. But I now believe truely that both brown and orange will remain with me for the years to come... I hate you stirrer... I dun make sense and I am unreasonable probably. But I hate the stirrer despite its many functions. A rusty spoon of camouflaged death, take a sip and get oxide fever... BUt when sugar is added, I suppose even the nastiest of rust would taste like heavean. I'm not blind and not apathetic... I'm human. And humans are such horrible creatures... Perhaps I was never the coffee that is bitter-sweet... But more of the bacteria crowded beverage... A spiked drink... ...

And I feel horried... but I realise I still hate you... ... though I can't bring myself to hate... I lose heart and I ask myself how do I show hate and mean it... I just find it child's play... Because I dun want to be childish in showing actions of hate... I just hate... ...

But I can't... ... Because both people are not deserving to be hated...

Burning The Midnight Oil

Days of doom are far approaching... I wonder how prepared I really am for the unexpected; how prepared I am for the fates; how prepared I am for the strain of it all... I squandered my time playing and now I recall the story of the ant and the grasshopper... But let's not go there or delve too deep into this.

I just realised for a while, as I begin to see things in many different perspectives which I never thought before. From all this I only learn that no one is irreplaceable nor indispensible. Because the truth is everyone has their replacements. I once thought without me some things would never had happened. But now that I think again, perhaps it would have anyway. Without me living time still goes on anyways, and so does the Earth continue to revolve around the sun.

I cried my depression away and bandaged my bleeding heart. I find solace from my silent yells and screams, in everything fun, laughter and procrastination. a double edged sword, both the best of me and the end of me. So here I am burning the midnight oil. Studying like mad, because I was foolish enough to take two weeks of my study break for pure fun and no work at all. No one would be in the same sh!t as me now. If there is, then i tell that person, u gg for sure.

My old sec school friends say I have landed myself in such situtations plenty a times and that always I somehow think of something and get by. I hope, with fingers-crossed it will happen. Because I am already thinking of plans to seal up gaps in this sinking vessel I am floating in right now. As the second hand ticks away, I suddenly wish I had digital clocks because I mean it literally that stupid ticking is happening in my room and its kind of irritating because it sounds so loud in the dead of night. -.-''

I wonder what I'll do after all the A lvl sh!t ends. Watched these shows on dreams and how they empower us and sadly I come to realise I have non. I dun plan for the future, I just make unrealistic far sighted dreams of tomorrow. Yet never have I considered the route to get there. Always the far goal but never any thought about how exactly I intend to get there. I'm a sloth for amusement and lustful for any chance to make excuses.

And if things could get any worst, then screw me. =X It's a quiet night and I'm tired. Eyelids as heavy as weights and a body frail from fatigue. Perhaps it's time to extinguish those midnight oil lamps- because I am no tamil during deepavali nor is there oil to burn LOL- and get some dreams in my head...

I remember once I saw a rainbow in an unexpected place... ...

But I already said... it doesn't matter... so let's just keep what I promised...