A Rainy Night Of Scattered Thoughts

It was a pretty chilly day today. Quite surprising since the weather nowadays has been really hot and humid. I was greeted by a beautiful light shower when I woke up this morning- Secretly cheering that it was a wet morning so that I did not have to trudge to the toilet and prepare myself for my morning jogs to keep fit. As I stared out into the sky of grey from my window and observe those tiny raindrops go splat on my window sill I couldn't help but enjoy the melody of the sound of raindrops falling all over the place. Perhaps not as grand and spectacular as a concert but a fine tune alike a symphony of simple things that we hardly take notice of as we rush through each and every single day.

It struck me as I was preparing for my day that a burden weighed heavily on my heart. How sad it was to know the things that make you sad. How lonely is it to feel a sting but yet be unable to tall anyone about it.

I recalled a day identical to this. A day when the sky was grey and the heavens were mourning. How the atmosphere mirrored my inner world and how melancholy glazed my heart and mind. To a friend once lost and who never came back... I recalled with vivid colours yet like a film without sound.

Why is it so difficult to maintain the bonds that we make between people? Why is it that it is so hard just to be friends. Let's not even talk about lovers. I may not have tasted the honey of sweet romance but I've savoured the nourishment of philio... A love born from the depths of one's heart to care for another. These are the people we love as friends and as family alike.

But at the end of the day as I lay to rest. I weep at my limited capacity as one so human. It was never possible to be friends with everyone forever. Whenever new ones come, the old had to be let go. How else can we keep our attention to so many? How despaired am I to be of knowledge of this fact =(

But I cherish each and moment spent right now in uni. Though it was the one thing I never said. Uni life was only good because of the people I met and the links that intricately link you and I and I and you. Even though people would probably laugh at my naivity or my childishness.... I hold on to the hope that in here I will find a best friend.

A wish long made and which came to pass as a nightmarish torment and agony. I wished upon the stars in the sky and the powers of this Earth... Please grant me my one special wish so that I may free myself from my ghost of the past...

Etching of Feelings On Dreams, Makes Us Move On To New Beginnings

Do you have dreams and ambitions of a better future? Do you wish for a glorious prospect? Do you secretly keep a prayer of your deepest desire?

I have a dream... I have a dream filled with myriad shades and hues of colors in the present world of grey. Where the skies are green and the grasses are pink and in every dark corner there are rainbows to be found. For I so see feelings in color more vivid than what I perceive through the eyes- For the eye sees the appearance but the heart sees the heart of others, and that my friend is a realm of glamorous, dazzling flurry of colors.

But I am not special. Neither are you nor any other people for that matter. Having dreams of a better future is natural. Everyone has them someway or another. Even in deepest slumber we go into our own fantasy world sometimes. And is that dream that we conceive as we lay to rest each and every single night so different from the dream we envision ourselves in 10 years down the road? You think about that, for I have no answer for you.

Remember the times when we were still kids and the World itself was like a dream. Every new place we visited was an adventure and a conquest. The playground was our castle and the swings were the airplanes and spaceship. We left our tooth below our pillows in an attempt to catch the tooth fairy and we told our friends at kindergarten that we would be friends forever and ever and ever... 

Indeed all it took was that tiny ounce of imagination and then we let our hearts take us to where we most wanted to visit. But we lost that ability to imagine... Times are different... Times are hard. Everything moves faster and faster much like a train that will not stop. What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? A clash of the titans for sure. For in this fast paced generation all things demand efficiency and velocity. Even food is prepared fast for that purpose. With each and every single day I get lost in a maze of time and a wall of demons formed by the stress of this millennium- How despaired are we in the arc of time~~

But I still hold on to this remnant of ability probably lost in this generation. To see the color in the souls of people and in the spirit of living. To see the world through tinted lenses so that white things now seem vibrant and ubiquitous becomes unique. For I etch my feelings and emotions into reality... much like an accomplished song writer crafts a beautiful masterpiece which goes into a beautiful symphony. Save this world and pause for a moment. Do not let the pace of this world infect you with the disease of the millennium... For as surely as the world rotates... as surely do we need to take a deep breath and start seeing the color in all things.

I feel the blue of melancholy in the misfortunes that befall on people on this planet. How HIV and AIDS have killed so many; How earthquakes and hurricanes destroy our homes. With a orange fury I despise this trend of all things that are fast and furious. Yet in this bleached and plain picture... I see yellow and green and purple and more in people and their passions for life. 

I wish the world would be one of peace and one of happiness. I simply wished I could do something to help all the chaos in the world today. I wanted so much to make a rainbow cake made out of rainbow and smiles, so that all people can eat and be happy. Perhaps it was naive =X But as I was making that cake I prayed and did it with all the positive feelings I could muster just so that my dreams could be etched into reality. Though things didn't turn out as beautiful as I imagined it would be... My heart was rejuvenated once more by the simple beauties my heart so sees and feels. The tears of love and life~

It's no longer a time to stay at one place... It's time I moved on... Things will never be the same again but it doesn't guarantee unhappiness... So I open my heart and mind to this world of new perception and once again shut my eyes tight... And even with shut eyes I see it so clearly... a World where the skies are green as emeralds; the leaves of trees golden; and the water a gentle shade of the lightest of violet~~

True Strength

'So tell me Zhao Mian, what are some of your strength and your weaknesses?' the interviewer of NUSSF enquired me curiously from the other side of the meeting desk.

The room hardly experienced much privacy when the walls were made of glass- transparent to all- and the fact that people were walking by and I could see them. I thought meticulously for a moment and gave a ginger smile. It was one of those questions that you sort of anticipated would turn up during interviews, but the trick was to pretend that your answer was extempore. I wouldn't have gone as dramatic as to say I was sweating all over and I had butterflies in my stomach. Please... that's so primary school composition writing. My palms, however, were moist despite the chilliness of the air. My mind was like a tape recorder gone haywire, as a question resounded in my head much like the sonorous chimes of a church bell. (We hardly see any of those nowadays- pity...)

'What's my greatest strength?'

I mean really, what is strength exactly? To a body builder it would probably be determined by the weight of the dumb bells he could carry; To a scientist it would probably be something alike the ability of an object to resist force without breaking; To you and me this would probably be what we are good at or what we call our expertise. Surely these are excellent definitions of strength in our daily lives. I'm not about to dismiss them or take them as folly notions. But what I want to think about is the width of this definition.

At this point in time, I feel like I'm about to draft an exposition of sorts to display my language mastery or at least attempt such a feat. But for that reason, I am going to relate this post more toward encounters with strength rather than leaning toward the direction of a boring General Paper assignment.

If there's one big weakness I have in life now it would be my extreme range of emotions. I always think my emotional senses similar to a tongue in the sense that they are both extremely sensitive to changes. Take a needle and prick your hand and do the same for the tongue and you'll realize a world of unexplored pain exists when your tongue feels so much more acutely than the other parts of your body. (Let us not describe other more sensitive parts, this, being a PG blog)

While others may feel happy over something I can be over the moon. When people get hurt, they probably get moody but I cry and let loose. In that sense... I get hurt almost all of the time. Because small things that people do, and probably do not realize hurt me more than they know. But I always feel that I should never show it. Precisely because I know I am sensitive that I must learn to understand others.

In all aspects I always try to be empathetic. I don't ever believe in sympathy for it demeans us all.I do so strongly believe that I ever got so emotional and sensitive not by chance. And right here I'm going to actually leak a bit of my history and experiences as a child and teenager.

I never had much attention from the people around me when I was very young. Often, I would find myself eating alone and doing stuff without the enjoyment of company. I probably would have cried then... but I was pretty young. I envied the friends I had around me all the time. But I was stupid and my studies were bad. My sister on the otherhand was a prodigy =X I had a bad experience with male bullies in my primary school days and thus I drifted to have a lot of female friends as I lived through my primary school and secondary school days.

But despite all the lonely times I had and all the hardships I went through. I really am grateful for the fact that I went through them. You would find my thinking irrational but it is the plain truth, and I would repeat this statement with fain whenever you want to. I hated to be lonely and I really hated it when people didn't care about me. It brings tears to my eyes as I recall but that is exactly why I will never let that happen to the people around me.

That is why... I care so much about how other people feel; that is why I don't ever want people to be left out; that is why I always want to see the good in people; that is why I want to help and protect everyone around me as much as I can; that is why I have grown to be so empathetic... because whatever sort of painful feeling people ever feel... I probably felt it before. I relate and I'll try my best not to let you go over what I gone through...

To me true strength doesn't lie in numbers and it doesn't lie in the tangible realm. For true strength comes from character or rather true strengths comes from feelings. With feelings comes great power to do so many things. It not only benefits ourselves but it gives us the power to protect others. That is so important to me as a person. As a human being.

Sometimes... I find myself selfish and I consider my past damning. I had done horrible things in my time and I'm surely not a good person if you count all those deeds in. =( Once again... I plead guilty to all those things I accuse myself of. Perhaps... making amends would be foolish. But each and every single day I tell you myself:

I know I'm not a saint for I am a sinner. As much as I hate to admit it and would love to be truly perfect I couldn't =( But every morning when I wake up... I tell myself I try to be good. I will try my best to be sincerely and genuinely good to others even if it means I might be less happy about it or peopel hurt me in the process. What matters is... I am happy that people are happy...

And I love people very much...very very very...

The Bear That Was Mute

There's something wrong; There's something amiss; There's something out of place. The heart strings that stir and the cacophony of noises in the head. From a beautiful lushous spring there came the draughty winds of autumn. How fickle is the balance of the emotions when a single expression of a thought-as light as a feather-can tip the delicate balance of the heart.

You saw how I talked to you every night: The laughter and the sad times too. But there was only one wish I had. I wished it upon you that you could talk back to me. That as I narrate the daily dramas of my life. Be it mundane or spicy; jovial or depressing. You were there all the time.

Yet, you spoke no words or gave no consenting nods. You gave me that usual smile and a loving pair of hairy paws. You stood mute witness to it all. How do you endure all that?

We slog through our daily lives searching for happiness in this World of discourse. How messy is the politics between me and you? How superficial is the human judgement when placed against perception. Can there be no genuine and sincere hearts that beat within the crowd- Like the warmth of a nice blanket that keeps us refuge from a chilly and windy night. Move forward and not backward, that we do, as we pursue each of our individual happiness.

Alas, the image of the bus comes to mind yet again. The slow bus ride that we all boarded and eargerly anticipate it's terminal destination. We never could tell whether we've reached it or not. Just we constantly ask ourselves this question when we awake from our slumber be it in the middle of darkest night or at the break of dawn: 'From whence we came, and whither are we going?'

The people that boarded the bus I greeted with smiles and we talked a great deal. But when people grew close the heart grew fonder, contrary to popular belief. When it was their time to alight from the bus that promised to deliver me to my true destiny, I could do nothing but wave goodbye with bitter tears and aching heart. For it's a process I'm so familiar with right now. But then others came when people left. To what end do I open my heart to pain and hurt? An affliction that is the only constant in this cruel game of life. To what end I wonder... to what end?

To my dearest bear. You are indeed my bestest friend of all. For you always accepted me for who I were even though I knew your feelings and views were fabricated from my own imagination and through my dearest wishes. But despite all this... as a silent witness or perhaps a silent guardian. In hugging you and telling you those boring stories and daily dramas. I love you with all my heart.

But if you are truly me and I, truly you... Then the mute bear knows that he is no bear at all. Just a wish I kept dear and secret. A wish that failed and scarred the heart. For each time I take a look at you i ask myself when this bear's life will come to an end?

A wish so simple and naive. Perhaps... It was never meant to be.

It was a sad day today... =(

An Honest Post To A First Week Of School

'How's first day/week of school for you?' that's the absolute cliche question that is buzzing around my head. Every where I turn and every face I meet seems to conceive the exact same question. I do not blame common courtesy or a gesture of concern- It's just that the monotony of this pattern is dreadful and I often find myself at a loss to give the querent an adequate answer that truly sums up my feelings and views of this entirely new world of NUS. Verily, it has indeed been a stressful yet fleeting first week of school.

The environment is totally different from back in the JC days. If I were to make an analogy of a seminar class to a vivid description we are all familiar with it will be: Shark Tank. Think enthusiastic people hungry for knowledge and excited hands raised to satisfy insatiable curiosity. It truly is a culture shock to be exposed to a group of people so eager to chow down on what I term a 'feast of knowledge'. Is this not how sharks behave in their natural state of environment? How lucid is the competition and the strife to emulate, if not, better another. A rat race I heard from seniors; A rat race indeed!

But it will be pessimistic of me to merely point out the specks on a fresh piece of paper - mind you that I am indeed one the same as a faithful pessimist- to not look toward the finer and brighter side of things. Uni life is hard for certain, but it is without a doubt of benefit and value. Now who is not going to agree with that? We gain independence and we learn to manage our own time and interests. It is at this crucial time that we discover most about our attitudes toward our future prospects and see how these prospects will gradually influence our attitudes toward our futures.

Bear in mind: We never turn out to be what we thought we would be.

Please do not take the statement as one of a wet blanket but more of a doorway to even more possibilities. In a nutshell, be receptive to your callings in the next 3-4 years of your life, for isn't all people only going to live these years of youth and discovery once? Be open minded to change and be open to new suggestions and pathways that God will present to you. Do not be myopic and narrow! Embrace new things and be bold to experimentation. That shall be my best advice to all fellow freshmen out there right now.

Do not forget, however, the true blessings around you and beget their kindness and feelings. The friends you make shall be the most important people to you in this season of change. They will support you when everyone rebels against you and they will stick by you through the toughest storms and most painful heartbreaks. Many a time people ask for the secret of life and the secret of love. But is there really a need to think it so deeply and with much complexity? If you ask me to demystify these seemingly perplexing questions it will be:

The secret of life is letting go; The secret of love is letting it show.

With this in mind go forth and spread the love to those who love you and for those who hate you. Be a blessing to others as the ultimate source of delight. To give is better than to receive. For to give someone a gift out of reciprocal is natural. But to give where others don't do the same. Now that's awesome! Give yourself a pat on the back.

Right here, right now. I'm typing this post in the computer lab of NUS. What a funny environment to type this post with people all around me typing away at their own things. But to all out there who want to ask me how the first week of school was in NUS...

I really had a hard time initially. I faced much inertia but I survived with the support of people. In short I met good friends and good people =) Is there anything more I can add on to that? The depth and breadth of its meaning, eternal... Is all that needs to be said... Period.

The Love Of Conjugation

We all learnt at a pretty young age that we needed some attention and loving. We sought attention from those who gave life to us. We wailed and made a mess-- pooped and puked everything else, because that was the only way we knew how; that's what babies do. And then time flew by and very soon we started to take our very first steps on our own into the big bad world out there. Remember those times when our dads would guide and encourage us at every step that we took and our mums would be nearby praising and filming all the memories down. The World was a dangerous place, but we felt safe for our parents were there to protect us all the way. We held hands and the cars on the roads suddenly seem not so menacing anymore.

All those memories in our minds and etched in our hearts: They resound like the sonorous chimes of a distant church bell. 

They showed us love where appearances meant nothing. For they loved us before they even saw our faces. What more would they have rejoiced when we emerged from the womb? They showed us how to love when we had none and then we learnt to give it to others. To those that we call blood and then to those we enjoyed hanging out. But again we held hands as we walk and take that long road to the first day of school. The school bag you carried while I was to walk without any burden.

It felt as if whatever happens you would be there for me. Whatever I do you would not judge me. Even if you scolded you were hurt in the heart for every hurt on my skin it hurt and numbed your own senses. I said I would run away from home and you even helped me packed. I remembered. But after I ran away from home and decided to live at the staircase outside home and it was raining. You came out and told me to go back. I said alright but I will surely leave when the rain has stopped. But funny... I never did run away after that.

Distance made the heart grow fonder. Fonder in a sense that is, fond toward freedom. What is freedom really? We rebelled and started to keep things to ourselves. When you tried to hold my hand, I shrug it away out of embarrassment. I am a big kid now and I no longer needed your protection. I appreciated all that you did but then I grew up. Why do you fuss and why do you whine so much about all those tiny things when I was capable of handling them on my own.

Face it: we all loved our fathers and mothers in our hearts. But when your mum asks: do you love me? Which guy wouldn't freak out like I just saw Britney Spears with her shiny shaved head!!! It was love alright. Just love that is not easy to express. But I hope you would know and feel it as much as I feel yours. Even though I do not need your help anymore, it doesn't mean the love has stopped.

Empathy was the word. It was the empathy for that moment that brought tears to the eyes. But even though you taught me how to hold hands and learn to feel protected and safe, it is now time for me to teach you... how to let go and be protected instead =X I understand and I know the feeling when people don't need you anymore. The best way people showed they loved and cared was to help the ones they care about the most. But let us not forget the bond that is not measured by time and action, cash or attention. Let us focus on that... for surely as I live I know one day when I have children I will face the same heartache you did.

But the love of conjugation was not the fact that we were physically close once. It was the love from within that led to how we touched each others' lives. God's love that he gave me a good family even though I complained much... So let us pray... for our fathers and mothers... siblings and all. That family ties transcend all needs for greater love than what the LORD has already given us. And though I will never say it to you... I say it here... I really do love my family even though I always pretended not to...

The Bitter Irony Of Agonizing Pain

Some memories are just meant to be locked up forever. There's no need for a session of revelation or even a therapy session. We keep them somewhere safe. Somewhere nobody knows but god. Yet we had to have knowledge of this gateway hidden in the darkness. We had to watch ourselves play the joyful soul when deep down under we were oppressed of so much pain and hurt. Hurt that you would have imagined had eroded away with time and space-- yet it continues to haunt you like a vengeful spirit.

Why do you still haunt me every now and then. When the key reveals itself and forbidden doors are opened. All I wanted was to lead a life where I did not have to remember those painful memories; All I wanted was to become a passionate follower of Christ, devoid of my painful past and memories... But I guess a faith was no cure for dies that had already been cast. Am I to rationalize it and make it part of myself? 

How to endure this torment? A whisper in the wind and a nightmare in a dream. All in the mind, yet so lucid. Because whenever keys to the past are seen they bring back flashes and glimpses of a life I wanted so readily to abandon. But like a calm and peaceful pool, a single ripple creates much wrinkles.

But face it... face the fact that the keys will never be destroyed from the face of the Earth. Pray all I want, but memories are meant to stay: they linger. They creep to you when you hate yourself and they prick your heart in the face of others. Where shall you hide? O lonely soul that is hidden in the darkness. Only wanting to lurk to avoid the truth. But they said and claimed... as did many accredited: The Truth Will Set You Free~

The truth is painful, the truth is vile. For whenever people got too close to the truth they ran away. Whenever I got too close, I lost all those I wanted to keep. I grasped a handful of silt to see the sediments slip away through the tiny gaps between my fingers. And so I distanced myself from this painful lesson. That there's pretty much nobody you could trust but yourself...

What am I hiding? What am I hiding that is so agonizing... 

It still brought me back to the threshold. Even when I thought I had ran so far ahead I would never see it again. But at every turn of this path I walk... Never once did it cease to present to me a key to the lock-box in the crevices of my broken heart~ 

A Glitter Of The Heart

Do we trust those around us that we open up ourselves? Called out to people but to be responded with negligence. Is it their fault? Or perhaps I am the selfish one? Because no one could be there for you whenever you need. Only god could~~

Empathy is a curse and a blessing. To be able to feel what others are feeling and to put one's feet into other people's shoes. How wondrous it shall be to see things from other peoples' eyes and to experience life with every fiber of your being-- body, soul and spirit. To be mesmerized by a cocktail of emotions: A touch of heaven and a taste of despair. But when the clock strikes 12 like every Cinderella's story... who am I? But a lost sheep in this fractious world of civic discourse, distrust and hurt... To whom shall I dedicate a plea? To whom shall I seek the light when darkness closes in? 


A child with no name; sad and imperfect creations tossed into the bin. Do we feel lost without the affirmation of others? To feel like you do not belong. That you've be tossed about and around like a wretched piece of cloth in the washing machine. Nobody wants you in their home... Nobody wants to keep you. Just because you're a black sheep among the sea of snow white fleece. Yet the black sheep weeps at his birthright-- longing for refuge. A sanctuary a midst his quest for belonging. A shepherd's voice to guide him through the cacophony of calls, echoed deep from the depths of the Evil one.


Where were you? I ask in pain and disbelief. That the things I say I feared you would rebuke them and take them as childish. Do you not understand how it feels like to be a channeller  of emotions but a source of non? And when certain things really bothered me, all I really wanted was for you to acknowledge that it bothered me and not for a miracle cure. 


I don't feel a belonging. Because I feel that it's all just a show and an obligation. All things happen for a reason dun they? You taught me that god and I believe in it strongly. As much as it hurts inside I'll still smile with this hope in mind. That all that I'm going through now is for something at the end of the day =X 


I showed a bit of my heart as a glitter in the dark~~ But you didn't catch it and it's not your fault. I know... ...