Green Sprigs

Everything felt like a dream... ... A torturous nightmare and then an ignorant fantasy~ Time healed all wounds as expected, but it also felt so unexpected. I know it sounds ironic. It's just that... When I was going through those trials I swore I would forever be cursed and condemned, but now that time and space has created solace things don't seem half as bad anymore.

The raging sea in my heart had calmed and so has my thoughts. My brain is once again fixed on winning and becoming the best in everything I do... I do wonder... when life will throw me off track again =S After all, it is never fun to lose your way; never fun to feel so lost and helpless and never fun to be alone and be forced to keep to oneself...

I have dreams and aspirations and deep inside I want to prove to the world that I, Zhao Mian is going to make my mark in society one day. I'm going to impact lives and make a difference. Doing things just to complete them just isn't my style- going the EXTRA mile is. With that I am going to propel myself forward! I may be soft and gentle, but my will is stronger than steel and harder than diamonds. I won't conform to other people's ways of doing things. For me, there is always only one way: The Zhao Mian way!

I don't care if people think what I do is potentially bad or ineffective. For all I know, that's just the way I want to do things. I will show you all! I will show you all that my way works. Doing things differently doesn't mean it is any less effective, you'll see...

I wandered around in my own dreamworld for a time... Searching aimlessly to find myself and my confidence. I wanted to be close with people but then I came to realize how foolish I was. I desired for a fairy tale in the real world- How ironic is that? But I truely don't care anymore... Because certain things are just not meant to be and things have really gotten me sick and tired. Like a fresh young sprig emerging out of the cold earth. Exposed to the rain and the howling winds. It is a rite of passage~~~ So thou shall endure, so thy may grow strong.

I seriously should pick up horticulture...

The Great Tree

My heart found solace over the pass few days. Somehow I did not feel like replying some of my friends and I didn't really know why. Kind of makes me a selfish jerk. It always worked that I wished people would reply me and I do the exact thing I didn't wish people would do to me in the first place. My emotions have submerged and my heart seems to be at peace again.

I find that my efficiency had rose tremendously and I'm back to my usual undistracted self. It all seemed like a dream. Even though thinking about it and looking back still hurts just a little. I would say the things I did were ridiculous like the last incident. I only tell myself that I was foolish to do things that eventually drove people to the edge.

I want to be a great tree... So strong and towering in the face of the roughest of storms. Have roots that reach so deep down into the earth and branches that spread lush greenery. I want to be stronger than I am now. I want to be superman. I want to change the world so much and I desire more than anything to be somebody. I want to make an impact in other peoples' lives... ...

I still wish... ... and I wished... but that which cannot come true will remain that way... and maybe it's for the better too... It will soon be the day again... What wish will I make then? <> A sincere request from the depths of my heart... All I want is ... ... ... ... I'm sorry... I am who I am...

The Boy Who Wanted To Win

Once upon a time... There was a boy who always wanted to win. Even though everyone around him found his presence overwhelming and stressful, non resented him. To the boy being competitive and open about it was about being transparent. Because nothing mattered more than being honest to everyone and of course himself.

He charted his route since he was very young. Envisioned big houses and money in truck-loads. People admired how straight his road was. Never ever met one bad friend and never ever got betrayed once in his life up till now. He was a decent guy. Perhaps too decent for he would never betray his own morals- Though some may find this attribute irritating since doing the right thing does not always mean the easiest thing~

Nevertheless... He wanted to gain the trust and friendship of his peers. Strongly believing that by opening his own heart, others will open theirs too... This meant helping others as much as he could even when it would mean great inconvenience to himself. He was the sunshine when people were down. Always having those wild and crazy ideas... They were weird of course; they were also fun...

His friends saw him as a pillar of strength. To his competitors he was a go-getter. To those he helped he was a teacher. To those who barely knew him, he was a amiable soul. To his close friends he was a drama king and a kid that never grew up...

It was a moment of sweet triumph when he managed to be the top student in Fuhua Secondary School with his O level results. A moment of glory. Following that he came to JJC and made quite a name for himself. However... It was also in JC when things started to change and morph. The boy felt pain for once in his life... A pain he could not describe but cry and bleed... A gash in his naive spirit... But also a rite of passage... For he finally saw... A glimpse of what life was really like...

To Be Continued...

There was a boy who always wanted to win... Because the thrill of it all gave him strength... But deep down inside he somewhat knew why it had to be this way... Because he wanted to be someone great just so... he could have some friends; just so he wouldn't feel so small in this big big world... He merely wanted acceptance... for he feared he would be lonely on this long, straight road~~~

Colouring Pages

The way we see the world is just like going through a colouring book. I used to adore those when I was young. I would pester my mum to buy them for me and I would spend endless hours just colouring the pages of the colouring book. To me at that time, the white patches held infinite possibilities. The sky could be orange and the sea a brilliant scarlet~~~

Times changed though...

Our hearts and minds were like those colouring pages back then. When we were still young everything we saw were in black and white. We formed our own colouring pages of the world. We experience things and we feel things... Eventually our eyes widened and so did the weight of reality lay heavily on our backs. We coloured our own lives based on what we think was right; we coloured our own world from the inside which decided how we would lead ourselves...

But we always knew deep down in our hearts. The sky is never orange, pink or scarlet but blue. We have something called science to back that up and we can be ignorant and adamant that the sky is orange, but that will only make me a nutcase... I have come to realize now that I can't resist the flow of things. I can't change the ebbs of time; I can't weave something different into reality as things are already cast into stone...

I only wonder why I really wanted to be something different and do things against the World. I should fucking just conform as others have too... I don't want to be so weak =/ Because this World don't accept weaklings... =X Evolution would have us dictate the survival of the fittest. People have told me to not say needless things and for a moment I was shocked and hurt, but I soon come back to reality and tell myself... that's life. That no one cares about you... because everyone should be caring about themselves...

I ventured down a road of pain only to find myself lost and wandered back to the threshold where it all started. 5 months of my life passed and then we met and things suddenly seemed no different from then. I could forget everything and treat it as those 5 months were a dream I yearned for and hoped to have... Perhaps that would be better for you as it will be for myself =//

I do feel left out and alone, drenched in the rain... Because sometimes I wished hard for the bad things that happened to return just so I can have the good too... ... stubbornly ignorant... ... I know T.T

Homing Beacon

How am I feeling nowadays? Feel like I've been washed out at sea... ... Busy and tired; lost and hurt. I know now that I am going to let go of things because I desire to be a better person and a better friend, so I am going to make a wish come true. It pains me to no end inside... But sometimes when you think about it... There is really no point in trying so hard when the result would only bring great unhappiness...

If only shooting stars existed so that I may make a wish of my own. I could pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. But that's ignorance... So I swayed and turned with the waves of the open ocean... Drifting afloat and letting the current bring me through to the next location...

I realized that as I grew up that this world is harder and harder to live. I've always known that life was not a bed of roses, but who knows how hard it is to go through it. I see myself 10 years ago and can't help feeling how much things have changed. But more importantly the fact that things had always been this way. It's also not the cliche saying that I changed... It is just that I am finally seeing this world with my own two eyes and feeling things with my own heart for once.

I've left the shelter and embrace of my friends... From now on wards... people will strive to carry their lives to the next chapter and I am just a passenger on their bus rides to success. We all needed each other and depended on each other when we were learning and growing up. But now that we have grown up everyone is spreading their wings and thinking of themselves for once- because there is only this one shot at life!

People don't care about feelings in the working world. All they care about is productivity and whether you will be a liability. Yet I resist this with the core of my soul and the essence of my will. Should i conform to this reality? Have I not seen enough with my own two eyes to know by now that my philosophy is a mere idealistic perception. Because I care about how everybody feels... It's either I haven't matured and is still reluctant to fly or I have chosen to try to do things my own way and make a name for myself...

I'm fed up with all this nonsense that life throws at me. I know everyone is going through the same thing but I can't conform because I don't feel right. I want to be somebody! I don't want to be a weakling who always just listens to people and follow orders. I want to do things my way where the basis of everything is the trust and the happiness of everyone... Honesty I hate getting hurt so many times because the feelings are real even though people around me diminish them...

I am alone at work because I've chosen to build a barrier around myself. I cannot depend on anybody to help me out when I am in trouble. I was thrown into the lion's den and forced to keep myself alive; I was thrown into the huge and vast ocean where I struggle to stay afloat day in and day out. Being sentimental and emotional is not a weakness... It is being truthful to how i feel and I can NEVER betray my own feelings...

I wish... I were a firefly... With a tail glow so alluring... To guide people to a new perspective... I want to do things differently where I can apply them... But for now I emit my faint glowing shimmer of hope for a better world... wishing to find a beacon to home to in this darkness... Because I hunger for purpose and I am trying and thinking really deeply... What exactly is my meaning in life? =///

The Mountain, the Poker Face & Fears

Recently I am beginning to have clarity of thoughts... My emotions are still as overwhelming as ever and I cannot stop this. However what I do have control over now is whether or not all these powerful emotions are channeled into actions. I see no logic or sense in whatever I feel like doing. Because I ask myself... What's the point of letting these powerful emotions make me do what I feel like doing? Ultimately what I feel like doing will only lead to utter chaos.

So I put on a mask... ... Told myself that if I think everything is alright then it will be alright... But problems just don't work that way. They cling on to you and sap you dry when you least expected. I really wished I had some company which I desperately tried to seek over the long weekends... Part of me had already accepted the fact as part of my daily life. I'm disappointed... that's true... But I also blame myself for it...

Right now... I'm drowning in an open ocean. My heart is in a mess and my mind is in a whirlpool. My soul seeks for purpose because I am lost in my own values and philosophies... I lack direction and I lack drive... And to top it all off... My work is starting to kill me when I least expected. =/

HELP! HELP! I know I don't say it out when I am drowning in my work. But the truth is I am so damn stressed out that I fear going to work itself. I can't even sleep properly with the constant voice inside that is constantly reminding me of the outstanding works and what I have not done... =X I can be on pm shift but to me my only solution is like going in early or I'll die... ... I feel like breaking down and crying... and at the same time... my heart is still suffering grave injury...

Acidity

What the hell is wrong with me? =/// I hate it so much... I really hate it so very very much... I scream inside and I feel like struggling on my own bed under a blanket and just scream because I am so angry inside... It's all so sour... It stings me so bad, and I told myself I won't care about this anymore... Yet I can't stop... Why does it have to be so deadly sour that it causes so much torture.

T.T I really really really... Wish it was on myself instead... But I am so dead jealous and feel so left out... It's so acidic and sour... And I can do nothing but howl and scream because of all the pain and whirlpool of mixed emotions stirring... Someone will you please save me? =X

The Bubble Dream

When was the last time I blew bubbles? When I was still a child and would go downstairs to buy a bottle and blow the bubbles outside my home corridor... Those were the times when life was carefree... Beautiful and peaceful like the bubbly world I created for myself... I held my mum's hand and listened to my parents... Friends were as pure as the driven snow. When everybody told each other: 'We'll be best friends forever' and fight over the smallest thing and say: 'Don't friend you liao'

But we all grew up... and then we realized how fortunate being small was... People say the grass is always greener on the other side. We turn back now and see our life flash back like a film without sound... Some memories bring tears of nostalgia be it happy or sad... If only we could all go back to the times when there was not much to worry or fret about. And then we could blow bubbles all day...

But we all grew up... Sometimes without ourselves knowing. We evolved because when we were small the world seemed so big... But even after being bigger the world seems bigger than ever... I learnt that the world will always be against you, and whatever happens it will always be 'Me Against The World'. The truth is I hate to be alone... ... But like the beautiful bubbles so dreamy but brittle... It is all but a dream... ... I wish I never woke up from...

Red As Saga Seeds & A Heartfelt Gratitude

All the time, I wonder does explaining really do anything? Just accept things for what they are. If I did something wrong then there's nothing I say that will change what is past tense. So... then when people label you or when you become a disappointment what words will salvage a fact? Such a waste attempt to make yourself feel better by justifying for your failures... Ultimately it's just pretty sad that nothing can change things have gone.

And I don't know... Whether what I am saying now is relating to which matter because they suddenly seem linked...

Whatever I say. Be it I tried my best or thought I could have done thing some other way, people won't know. I know... But so what if I know? =X I felt like screaming a reason why I was such a letdown today but I held it in, because at that one point in time when I was about to vocalize my inner feelings I come to realize... I made a choice before so now I answer... And that was why I ate humble pie and swallowed my pride... Said in a sorry tone because I felt deeply apologetic... 'I'm sorry but I really don't know and I don't want to bluff you...'

I picked saga seeds on sudong today because my mum wanted them to give to her friend. As I was picking those tiny red seeds scattered all over the floor I asked myself why I wanted to do so much. My hands and legs were covered with mosquito bites and my sweat kept dripping as I gathered the seeds. I could have just told my mum I was busy at work, but I opt to tell her alright...

The truth was I heard why she needed them and as much as I took a long time and hard work to gather them in the jungle, somehow I just felt like completing the job. Because I remembered a time... when I wanted to do something like that for the value of friendship... I feel no need to explain myself now... because I've learnt that saving my breath saves me from a torture from disbelief and emotional turmoil. Only I know the truth... and maybe that's enough. A gift of red saga seeds to my mum for her friend... at the same time... I presented a gift of gratitude for a spirit I once had for a very important gift as well... ...

Appealing To The Dead

How long has passed? 3 weeks, almost 4... and yet the wound is still as deep. I have come to accept by now that the world works this way and no matter how hard I try or how hard I wish... Nothing is going to change a thing. People can die and so can feelings and other things. Everything has an expiry, but not all things have a warranty. Once break, it's considered sold and you pay the price; be it time; be it heartbreaks; be it money; or other things...

The healing process is a painful one because adaptation is never easy... While some people may let go of things of the past for the new things, others maybe sentimentalists holding on to relics of the old glory. I have given up on the hopes of finding people that will understand. Like I said time and again... I can't wish for people to understand me... because for people to understand me I must first learn to understand others... Yet I really don't know... I don't know... =/// I have been trying with all my heart to understand everyone around me, and eating the pain and sh!t that comes... I don't know when is the time when... ... someone will then understand me. Because I don't want to be so selfish anymore... ='/

But... ... deep down who doesn't want someone to understand him or herself? because when the whole world is against you, which is how I feel now... Sometimes... All I wish is not an answer but just someone there... to listen with the heart; no words required at all =X

I'm appealing to something that died weeks ago... Talking to a corpse? how pathetic I am... yet being hopeful is a sin as is not letting go to something dead... Letting go in a sense that without my existence... this will be a better place perhaps...